THE NIGHT OF A THE BIG NIGHT
DOING a PYGMALION on HENRY.......by Coralynn
AND THE WINNER IS......
on to next part of STORY
MILLION STARS!
WandaSue arrives at Sally Jenning's house dressed for the big night out at the Emmy Awards.
Sally is impressed, "Look at you! That dress is incredible! Turn around, let me see it in the back too. Whew! That back is low, WandaSue! Looks great! Red is your color!"
Henry2 looks at WandaSue and sees a woman wearing a red sausage casing that flares at the bottom. Her breasts are hiked up so high they're all but under her chin and her makeup is one step short of the jesters that entertain at Court. What is that awful color she has on her lips? It hurts my eyes just to look at it!
"Better get you two duded up and ready to go!" WandaSue announces cheerfully as she plops a large box on the table. "This is your tux, Henry! I'm just renting it for the night. I think it oughta fit ya. Hope so, because you're wearin' it!"
Henry looks at the box through squinting eyes. What is a tux? He is afraid to look. He's afraid he'll look as ridiculous as WandaSue in whatever she got for him.
"What are you wearing, Sally?" he asks, hoping to divert attention away from himself.
"I'll go put it on!" she skips out of the room into her bedroom. Henry hopes against hope that Sally's taste is better than her friend's. He has to appear in public with these people! Well, he reassures himself, at least no one knows I'm the King of England.
WandaSue opens the box and lifts out his tux. Oh, well, he thinks, it's black, not red, so that's a relief.
"Now, Henry, I know you wanna be modest, but I've gotta help you on with this," she says as the undoes his pants and quickly whisks them down to his shoes. "Take off the shoes, too."
Henry breaths out loudly and does what she wants, repeating to himself, "They can't see this humiliation back at Court. No one knows that Henry2 is now being stripped by this low-life woman and dressed in whatever atrocity she's brought."
She holds up the pants. He grabs them and puts them on. "Really, WandaSue, I can dress myself!"
"This shirt is kinda tricky, though," she forces his arms into a fancy shirt with pin-tucks on the front, and buttons it up. Reaching into the box, she produces a cumberbund and slaps that around his middle.
"Now, the jacket! Hold out your left arm! That's a boy!" she slides his left arm in. He grabs it and puts it on by himself.
"Oooooops, the shoes!" she brings out some black shoes and jams them on his feet. "These pinch my toes!" he complains.
"You'll be sitting down a lot, so it's no problem."
Henry looks at himself in the full-length mirror. Hmmmmm, really, not bad. Of course he looks like Henry2 in a tux instead of a medieval outfit, but it could be worse.
WandaSue echoes his thoughts, "Ya look great, Hank, but ya look like yerself. Gotta do something to disguise your face. Let's see, sit down, let me comb yer hair a different way."
She combs it straight down into his face. "Hmmmmm, ya look a little like one of them Three Stooges guys, but hey, at least ya don't look very kingly. Now, what else?"
"Oooooo, Sally!" WandaSue is obviously impressed, "That dress says "take me"......oh, well, I mean, it says, "don't mess with me, buster!" The two of us will be the best dressed dames at the party!"
"Par - ty?" Henry asks.
"Ya know what I mean, Hank, the event, and betcha they put a TV camera on us. You know they do that. If someone in the audience looks really, really hot the cameramen put their camera on them. Makes all the people at home jealous, wishing they could be there lookin' like a million bucks!"
"I see," Henry replies, wondering if he can somehow sit in another location from these two, or, with his luck, will they have assigned seats?
"Looking sharp, Hanks!" Sally chirps, "But you look too much like yourself. The hair is a nice touch, WandaSue. Let's see, how about we shave off your beard? Yeah!"
Before he knows it, the women have plugged in clippers and the hair from his long cherished beard is lying useless on the floor.
"Alllllllmost," WandaSue declares, "I think with the glasses, we'll have it knocked!"
Oh no, Henry shudders, Not those glasses again! WandaSue shoves them on his face, and stands back to survey her handy work.
"Perfect! Yer own mama wouldn't know ya!"
He stands in front of the full length mirror, but he can't see the effect he'll be making on people, because he's blind as a bat.
"What say I take these off from time to time?" he suggests as he folds them and slips them into a pocket on the inside of the jacket.
"OK, but only if you must, and only for a minute!"
"What is it we're trying to accomplish at this Emmy thing, ladies?"
"I told ya! Rosebud, Rosetramp, whatever, will be there, and so will that drug-dealing bum she's married to, John Gwinett. They think they've got the world by the tail, but when she looks into the audience and sees YOU, she'll be so flabberghasted she'll make a fool of herself!"
"Let's see if I have this right, ladies. You want her to see me and be alarmed, right? OK, then, why am I going in this disguise?"
"We have ta get ya into the audience, and dressed the way you were when we brought you from Court would draw too much attention!"
"Right. Hence the 'tux', as you call it. But why do I have my hair hanging down in my face, and these glasses?"
WandaSue heaves a sigh, "For a king, ya sure are slow, Hank! Look, we don't want anybody to recognize you till it's time for Rose to recognize you. Get it?"
Henry scratches the back of his head, "I suppose so."
Sally punches him on the arm, "Hey, Hanky, the limo has just gotten here......ready to roll?"
"Ready to rock and roll?" WandaSue laughs hysterically. Henry doesn't get it. Sally doesn't either, but she laughs to be friendly, besides, this is a big night. This is the night they get it stick it to that snooty Rosetramp!
"Bring it on!" WandaSue yells as they leave the house, Henry adjusting his glasses and tripping over the pink flamingo Sally has in her front yard.
.......................... ....
GETTIN' READY RAG...........by Coralynn
"Where's Jerry?" Eleanor looks impatiently at her watch, "We have to be on our way."
"Is he your driver again tonight, El?" Bethia asks.
"Ahhhh, that was the night!" Eleanor laughs, "No, he's my escort. William! William! Where are you?"
William comes down the stairs attaching his cuff links, "Right here! What's the rush?"
"I hate being late to anything," Eleanor tells him as she hears Jerry ring the bell. She opens the door and smiles up at him, "I say there, Sir Lancelot! You are the answer to a young girl's prayer, but since I'm not a young girl, I'll have to do! Mind if William rides with us?"
"Wouldn't have it any other way," Jerry smiles at William and links arms with him, "I need another man so I have someone to talk hunting and fishing and football with!"
"Ohh yeah! That'll be the day! You two!" Eleanor jokes.
Behia, who has come over to help with everyone's makeup, looks out the window and announces, "You limo is here!"
"You carriage awaits, madame! And what a gorgeous madame you are in that deep green gown! You'll stop the show!" William laughs as the three leave the house.
Bess and Marthy watch all the glitz and glamour and sigh, "How romantic! Think we'll ever be treated like Princesses, Marthy?"
"You mean Slim doesn't treat you like one?" Marthy asks.
"Slim is a great guy; lots of fun. Elegant he isn't, however. Is Jack elegant?"
Martha thinks that over, "You know, he does have a bit of that. Given the right clothes and situation, he could be quite the dashing figure! Ooooops, he just came in the room, shhhhhh."
Jack joins them on the window seat. "Pretty exciting stuff, aye, ladies? I'm looking foward to seeing the Emmys on the new 800 inch TV William just brought home a couple days ago. Should be almost as good as being there!"
"800 inches?!" Marthy pokes him, "You made that up!"
"Yes, I did. It's big, though. Huge. Has wrap-around sound that, from what I can tell, comes from every corner of the room. William must have bought eight or ten speakers for that thing."
Marilyn comes in from the kitchen, drying her hands on a tea towel.
"You should be there!" Bess exclaims, "You're the most glamorous person alive!"
Marilyn sits down and pulls up her knees. Hugging them, she sighs, "I am so glad to be out of the glare of the spotlight! You can't imagine! I love being just a regular person."
"Well, we just want you to know that you're.......you're......." Bess begins.
"Elegant!" Marthy finishes it with Marilyn's favorite word.
Marilyn swats them with the tea towel and looks toward the staircase. "Have Rose and John come down yet?"
"Not yet!" Bethia takes a seat nearby, "I'm just dying to see how super those two look for their big night, too! Think they'll win again?"
"YES!" everyone present says with one voice.
.......................................................
BARBIE and KEN AT THE AWARDS......by Terri
Rose put on a diamond necklace. "I can't believe the jewelry stores lend us such beautiful pieces!" John was fiddling with his cufflinks. "Honey, I can't seem to get these fastened. Would you mind?" She deftly fastened them.
She put her lipstick on, watching John in the reflection of the mirror. "It's hard to believe the last Awards show I was pregnant with Julie and there with Billy Bob! That was the night I kicked him out of the bedroom and he threatened to kill you. Seems so long ago."
John kissed her neck. "It WAS a long time ago!"
Will came in and bounced on the bed. "YAY! Mommy and Daddy are going to be on TV!" John caught him in mid-
bounce. "No jumping on the bed, son. I want you to be good for Auntie Marilyn, OK?"
"Sure, Daddy! Slim is coming over to watch the awards with Bess and he is going to teach me how to belch!"
Rose was shocked. "Will! NO! I forbid it!"
John said with a straight face, "Mommy's *burp* right, Will! Not *burp* in polite society! *burp*"
John and Will both laughed wickedly. Rose was even more shocked. "I can't believe you just did that, John! NOW! How do I look?"
John said, "Mrs. Gwinnett, you capture my breath--what there is left of it!"
Will bounced one more time and said, "Mommy? You look bitchin'!" and ran out of the room.
Rose stammered, "John, did..did..wh-what...did I hear right?"
John shrugged and said, "What can I say? You look bitchin'!"
They came downstairs. Marthy and Bess clapped. Marthy breathed, "You two look fantastic!" Bess quipped, "Just like Barbie and Ken at the prom!"
Rosamond looked over at Julie. She was snuggled on Henry8's stomach, sleeping.
She moved rhythmically up and down with his breathing. Rose covered Julie up, even though she was in her sleeper. Henry8 laughed, "Just think, Rose, this could have been our child if you had co-operated at that cocktail party from Hell!"
Rose patted him on the shoulder. "But where would we be now? Languishing at Court with Henry2. If I never set eyes on him again, it will be the happiest day of my life!"
John helped Rosamond into her silver fox coat. He muttered, "I wish you would get rid of that coat. HE gave it to you!"
Rose patted him on the cheek. "Consider it a trophy, darling. The skin of a leopard!"
Marthy and Bess looked out the window. "Limo's here!"
"OK-here we go!"
As they walked outside, John said, "You know, I would buy you a full length ermine coat and you could auction that one off."
"No, John, I earned this coat! It should be a fantastic evening! Montgomery won't be there this time...." Her voice echoed outside as they entered the limo and whisked away toward New York.
PUTTIN' ON THE RITZ.......by Terri
"Hey, lookin' sharp there, BB!"
Bobby Joe was walking past the bathroom as Billy Bob was trimming his newly grown mustache and beard.
"What made you decide to grow the facial hair?" he asked him.
"Winter is coming up. And Rosamond mentioned once that she would have liked to see me in a beard."
"Oh, and you decided to grow one, knowing you will see her tonight?"
Bobby Joe leaned against the door post. Billy Bob grinned at him in the mirror.
"Partly.It keeps the face warmer. If I'm going to be outside training those horses, it beats the heck out of a ski mask! Always felt like a robber in that."
"What about your law degree?"
"What about it?"
"Ever intend to use it?"
"Yeah, in about a year. The ranch is starting to organize itself. I only got the degree to stay in the old man's good graces. Where there's a will...."
"Does the former un-Mrs. Montgomery know you will be there at the Awards ceremony?"
"No, Penelope Patterson wants to use it to 'blow her out of the water'. Her words, not mine. I think Miss Patterson is ticked off because Rose got her 'Daisy' part and the fact that Penelope was not asked to be a presenter ticked her off. Believe it or not, she and Rose are running against each other in the 'best actress' catagory."
"Who ya rootin' for?"
Billy Bob shrugged. "Makes no nevermind to me. Part of me wants Rose to win so I could say 'I used to be married to her.'...."
"But you WEREN'T married to her."
"Shut up, Bobby Joe. And the other part of me wants to be there when she is headed for a fall. The woman always got what she wanted. It's about time that changed. Like the song says, 'I wanna be around to pick up the pieces....' And now if you'll excuse me, I've got to change."
Bobby Joe bowed low. "Pardon me, captain. Change away!"
Billy Bob emerged fifteen minutes later. Jameson and Bobby Joe were getting ready to eat pizza, drink beer and watch the football game. "What? You guys aren't going to watch the awards?"
"NO WAY!" Jameson said. "Besides, Anastacia is home taping it.I'll watch it if and when there is a good catfight in it. And my money is on Fluffy and Snowball getting into it."
Billy Bob laughed. "And Fluffy and Snowball would be...?"
Jameson poured the beer. "They are interchangeable. But for sure one of them will be Rosamond Montgomery."
Billy Bob's face darkened. "Gwinnett. She traded Montgomery in for Gwinnett. I'll bet Julie is trying to stand up now."
"What do you care? She's not your kid."
Billy Bob snapped, "Thanks for reminding me! Now I'll have to split Sundown with Donna! She'll never give her share up. It will turn out to be a vacation home for the Montgomerys instead of a working plantation like I planned it to be."
Bobby Joe threw a popcorn kernel in his mouth. "Can be both. Maybe this ranch will be like a Sundown outlet...annex? Whatever." Then he casually asked, "How is Donna?"
"Why do you care?"
"Hey, just asking!"
Billy Bob narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "I have a feeling you and Donna were more than casual dates."
Bobby Joe coloured. "Of course not! She married Lyle, didn't she?"
"Only because she knew he was going places! So what about you and my sister?"
Bobby Joe jumped up. "LIMO' S HERE!!"
Billy Bob said, "Gentlemen? A night to remember!" And he walked out the door singing, 'Tonight is the night, for feeling alright, we'll be making love the whole night through....'cause I'm saving all my love for you.....'
Jameson closed the door. "He is SO delusional!"
Bobby Joe sighed, "A night to remember? Wasn't there a movie by that name?"
Jameson took another piece of pizza. "Yeah. The Titanic movie. Case closed!"
The limo driver opened the door for Billy Bob. Penelope Patterson was already sitting inside, pouring a glass of champagne from the backseat bar.
"The network thought of everything!" she purred. It had been evident that Penelope had a head start on the bubbly. She handed him a full glass.
"So...how do you like my dress. It was red and skintight with a flare at the bottom.
"Uh.....very nice, Miss Patterson."
"PLEASE! Call me Penelope. Or Penny!"
He took the glass of champagne and upended it quickly. She reminds me of....aw, hell! Wanda Sue!! Thinking she's sexy and broad in the beam! And wearing red with that haircolour? And that lipstick? Coral with red hair? Rose would never have....
what the hell do I care what Rosamond would or would not have done? Got to get over it. Finis. Done. Over. Case closed. Adios, sugah, it was an experience being married to you!
"Hello? HELLOOOOO..." Penelope snapped her fingers in front of Billy Bob's face. "Are you with me? As I was saying....I aim to blow that bimbette out of the water! Think this dress will do it?"
Billy Bob snapped out of his reverie. "Huh? OH! Oh, yeah, that will do it, alright. Why or why didn't I agree to stay home with Bobby Joe and Jameson. What am I doing? A little voice inside him said, 'hoping to be near her, you schmuck. Hoping she'll get hit by a lightning bolt from Cupid. Because that is what it will take. A lightning bolt.
Penelope leaned forward, spilling out of her dress. "Now, darling, you have to act like you are so totally enamoured of me. You want to show that wench you don't give a frog's fat patootie about her. That will cause her to wonder why....and leave the field wide open for me to move in on her inamorata, John Gwinnett. We all get what we want. I get John Gwinnett and my role back, you get the slattern and brat back, and in the meantime, I walk away with the best actress award! Comprende, dear heart?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I understand. But wishing doesn't make it so."
"It couldn't hurt. NOW! Here we are, pulling up to the auditorium. Remember! You are so totally in love with me, so SMILE!! And for goodness sake, act like you are having the time of your life. Remember-the face you show today just may be in People magazine tomorrow. By the way, I like the mustache and beard!"
"Really?"
"Yes. Tres sexy. OK, let's go! Their cameras are poised and flashbulbs at the ready!"
Penelope and Billy Bob exited to a flood of flashes and bright lights.
Billy Bob thought, this had better work. But at least I get a night out for this effort.
And he and Penelope walked into the auditorium.
................................
DOIN' WHAT COMES NATURALLY........by Coralynn
Sally Jennings peers out the windows of the limo at the skyscrapers. "Will ya look at that?!" she keeps saying over and over.
"Manhattan is quite a place, Sal, we oughta come here sometime during the day and I'll give you the tour!"
Henry2 is sitting between them, listening to this patter. When will this be over? he wonders, What have I gotten myself into? Yes, I very much want to shock Rosamond and mayhap even persuade her to return with me to Court. She belongs to me. She has a nerve getting married to these other men, and such riff-raff men they are! Not a royal bone in their bodies! What was she thinking? Ohhhh, so she's mad that I slapped her around, is she? Why does she think she deserves better treatment than any other woman in the 12th Century?
"Here we be, Hanks!" WandaSue announces loudly as the limo pulls up in front of the auditorium, "Time to get out and walk the red carpet into the place! Make a big entrance!"
Sally Jennings pushes Henry toward the open car door while WandaSue yanks at his arms to pull him out. He decides to cooperate so that they don't rip the 'tux' he's been forced to wear.
There are fans flanking the entrance to the auditorium, yelling and cheering their favorite stars as they parade by. WandaSue hikes her bosom up higher, yanks on the top of the dress a few times and smiles broadly at the fans. One of them yells out, "HEY! Who are you?!"
Another yells out, "Hey lady! You've got Penelope's dress on!" and several others point and hoot.
WandaSue ignores the taunts and walks faster. Sally and Henry catch up with her as they enter the place. The usher shows them to their seats, which are in the 12th row back, on one of the aisles.
They plop down in their seats, Henry again between the two women, who proceed to talk over him.
"Why are we so far back, Wandasue?" Sally asks, "We're famous! We won a big contest! We should be in the front row!"
"Yeah, we should, but they put the TV celebrities in those rows. See? Look; there's that snooty Eleanor, there's the cast of "One Life to Lose"....my favorite.........where is Roselslut? Must be backstage! She would be, the whore! and look over there, it's........ her mouth drops open....." Billy Bob Montgomery, my lawfully wedded husband!"
She whistles through her teeth till almost everyone turns around and glares at her. "Over here, Billy Bob!" she yells, tilting her head and flicking it around to show him where she is.
There is a general sound of "shhhhhhh" from the audience. BB hasn't looked at her, and she knows he heard her yell at him. What is he doing here?
Then she sees the woman sitting next to him..........oh-oh, that's Penelope Patterson, the really bad actress who never should have been nominated, and she is wearing......."MY DRESS!" WandaSue yells.
An usher hurries over to WandaSue and whispers, "If you cause any more disturbance, we'll have to ask you to leave."
The usher leaves and Henry pleads with her, "Now, Wanda, you told me that I have to be inconspicuous till the time is right .....when we jolt Rosamond with my presence.......but if you insist on yelling out like that, I'll be noticed very quickly. You wouldn't want that to happen, would you?"
"Nawwwwww," she agrees, rummaging around in her purse, bringing out a huge pack of chewing gum, which she offers to the other two. Sally takes one stick, Henry passes, so WandaSue jams five sticks into her mouth and chomps on the wad vigorously.
"Is this about to start?" Henry asks.
"Yeah," WandaSue checks her watch, "Just a couple minutes left. OH, OH, the curtain is going up........."
..........
Part 1: by Coralynn
"And now, ladies and gentleman, your host for this evening's presentations: the most recognizable face in the country, in the world........Tiger Woods!"
Thunderous appaluse as Tiger comes onstage and stands behind the mike. "I was flabberghasted when they asked me to host the Emmy Awards," he begins, "After all, I play golf...... (more applause)........I don't have a regular TV show."
"Shure ya do!" some fat guy in the 30th row yells out.
Tiger smiles and looks at the telepromter......reading......."We have a great variety of entertainment to recognize this evening......news, daytime dramas, specialty shows......game shows.......the list goes on. To begin with one of the most eagerly awaited awards, we have the nominees for best actress in a daytime drama!"
The orchestra plays tense music, softly, aiding the mood as Tiger reads off the nominees: "Our nominees are: Rose Gwinett for As The Planet Turns, Suzy Randall for One Life to Lose, Penelope Patterson for The Bad and the Vicious, Virginia Parker for General Mayhem, and Lottie Lombard for All My Husbands. And the winner is.....................(he fumbles with the envelope, smiling apologetically to the audience)..........Lottie Lombard for All My Hubands!"
The music swells and shifts into the theme of that program. Lottie Lombard is gasping with her hands in front of her face. She stands, but cannot seem to walk forward........she is in such shock........
"NO!" is heard from Penelope Patterson, who can't believe she lost! DAMN, how can she show up Rose if she doesn't win?!! She fumbles for a kleenex to wipe away her tears as Lottie slowly stumbles toward the stage, unable to see because of her own tears.
"Get yer ass up there!" comes from the 12th row.
The audience gasps and looks around.
Henry sits down lower in his seat and uses the program to hide his face.
Lottie does manage, with assistance, to mount the few steps up to the stage and, taking the statuette from Tiger, cries uncontrollably.
The audience claps vigorously for her.
When she has finally managed to eek out a barely audible 'thank you,' she returns to her seat.
Rose is disappointed, though she has heard about this new actress and how brilliant she is in the new soap they just began this year. Oh well, ya can't win 'em all, she thinks as she smiles at John, who gives her arm a gentle squeeze.
Tiger continues:
"Shifting gears, we now present the Emmy for the best specialty show! The nominees are: Trash Your Neighbor's House while They're on Vacation; William the Conquering Chef; Exercise Till You Drool; The Oil Painting Extravaganza; and Makeovers so Extreme Your Own Mother won't Recognize You!"
There is quite a stir in the audience. Everyone has heard about the Makeover show; how extreme it is; how avante garde.
..."And it's a TIE!" Tiger laughs, "How often does this happen? Seems we have a tie between the Makeover show and William the Conquering Chef! Come on up, winners!"
William fully intended to lose to the makeover program, so he's surprised to find himself walking onto the stage. The makeover guy is already up there, dancing around nervously. The guy reaches for the Emmy, then delicately takes it, drops it on the floor, gasps, picks it up and swings it over his head. William walks decisively to the mike and says, "Thank you! This is a surpise! I appreciate your support!", takes his statuette and walks off the stage.
The makeover guy is still flitting about the stage. Several people hired to escort confused winners on and off the stage, corral him and indicate the direction in which he should walk to return to his seat. He ignores them and continues to dance, holding the Emmy high, then bringing it down and hugging it to his heart, then flailing it up again. The audience is tittering, then snickering, then general guffawing breaks out.
The makover guy stops in his tracks, looks out at the audience and says, "OH, thank you so very, very much!" and runs down the stairs to his seat.
........
Part 2: by Terri
Rosamond and John discreetly left their seats and went backstage. Mr. Heaton, in charge of the co-ordination, gave them the thumbs up. "You two look terrific! And it's time to go onstage....NOW!!"
Rose hoisted her boobs up and lowered her neckline. John said, "What do you think you're doing?" Rose whispered, "Marty said to do it. It's good for the ratings!"
John pulled her neckline up. "Not on my wife!" and as he turned his head momentarily, Rose pulled it back down. What does John know, anyway?
Tiger Woods said, "And to present the best sportscaster award....last year's hottest couple onscreen and THIS year's hottest couple OFFSCREEN,....John and Rosamond Gwinnett!"
Rose and John walked confidently onto the stage, to the thunderous clapping of the audience. John smiled, "Best sportscaster award? This is rich, seeing my wife knows nothing about sports!" he quipped.
Rose gave a dazzling smile. "I know enough from having to serve all those half-time snacks, darling!"
A voice from the tenth row yelled out, "BET YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT INDOOR SPORTS!!"
Henry bent over to tie his shoes which was a joke seeing he was wearing loafers. Would this night never end? He looked up at Rose. What is with all this sweetheart and darling stuff? I'd call her 'wench' and she'd come running. A little of the rough stuff, that's what women respond to. I see she's lost her babyfat. More mature. More....lively. Like a fine wine.
Billy Bob sat there fuming. I should be the one sitting with her. Like last year. Now I'm sitting in the sixth row with a psycho-revenge seeking schitzo.
John said, "The nominees for best sportscaster award are....Bud Olinski for Monday Morning Quarterback."
Rose read off the teleprompter, "Carl Johnanssen for Dialing for Bowling Dollars."
John continued, "Eleanor Acquitaine for Wonder Woman of Sports" and here Rosamond gave her a smile. El gave her a two-thumbs up.
Rose read on, "....Bart Gamble for Mud Wrestling Between the Sexes" and John finished with Jim Boutwell for Ball Four!"
He turned to Rosamond, "Darling? Want to do the honors?" Rose held up her fingernails to the camera. She gave a smile like in a toothpaste commercial, utterly unaware that three to five of her worst enemies were sitting in the audience.
She said, "I don't think so, John!"
He laughed softly and said to the audience, "What we do for our women, eh?"
Billy Bob and Henry both did a slow burn.
John ripped open the envelope and he read, "And the winner is....Bud Olinski for Monday Morning Quarterback!"
And Eleanor did something Rosamond didn't expect.
She flipped a bird.
Rose took one look at Eleanor and totally lost it. Partly from nerves and partly in response to Eleanor's unexpected gesture.
Rosamond put her hands to her mouth and started to giggle. Then she gave way to uncontrollable laughter. She doubled over. Bud Olinski reached for the statue but Rose had turned around, she was laughing so hard. John walked over to her and hissed, "Rose, for Pete's sake, get control of yourself!"
Which made it that much worse because John forgot his microphone was on and his voice carried all over the auditorium.
Bud was still clutching in mid-air, trying to claim his statue. Which made Rose laugh and hiccup all the more. By that time the entire audience was laughing.
John grabbed the statue out of Rose's hands and shoved it into Bud's waiting and outstretched hands.
Bud started in with, "I'd like to thank my mother for taking a chance on an unknown kid...I, uh, mean, my COACH for taking a chance...and my mom...and my dad, and my ten brothers and sisters, Harry, Joe, Luke..."
Mr. Heaton drew his finger across his throat in a "CUT" motion. And that made Rose laugh all the harder. By this time, John explained, "Too bad there isn't the 'most poised' award. But guaranteed my wife wouldn't win it!" He smiled broadly.
Every time Rose tried to straighten her face, she laughed all the more.
John just shrugged his shoulders, smiled at the audience and said, "What can I say?
She's my wife and I love her!"
The audience roared and clapped their approval.
John propelled her off the stage. "OK Little Missy---what was so funny?"
Rose gasped, "Eleanor just flipped me a bird from her seat when she lost! OH! OH! OH!!" and by that time they both dissolved into laughter.
Tiger Woods said from the stage, "Whew! Are they not the perfect couple?"
Billy Bob sulked, "Perfect couple? They said that about US last year...."
Henry thought, "Perfect couple? They never saw the magic WE had together..."
Penelope Patterson said, "Perfect couple? We'll just see about that when they announce the hottest couple as John Gwinnett and Penelope Patterson..."
Sally and Wanda Sue looked over Henry's slouched figure and high-fived each other.
Wanda Sue said, "Perfect couple? They should have seen her work the Gold Rush!"
Tiger continued, "And now our next category........"
Part 3:Part 3: by Coralynn
Penelope Patterson pokes Billy Bob and whispers, "She doesn't seem to be eaten up with remorse for leaving you, BB. Wonder if she even still remembers your name! Are you going to put up with that?"
"There's a party after these ceremonies, right?"
"Ohhh yeah, and it'll be a blast!"
"We'll see how she handles it when she sees me there with you. I don't think she even knows I'm in the audience."
"Like I said, it'll be a blast!"
Henry sits in his seat sulking, thinking, 'I doubt I'll be able to convince Rosamond she should return to Court with me. This isn't good. I thought at least she'd be unhappy with that commoner she married, but nooooo, she's glowing. Better shift to plan B: get Little Will away from here. Yes, that's what I'll do. The child need to grow up in a castle, since he has royal blood.'
Rose is still stifling giggles as she and John return to their seats in the 3rd row. She looks over at El, who makes a weird fact back at her, which sends Rose into another fit of laughter. John tries to shush her, and she finally gets herself under control. She just doesn't dare look at Eleanor again.
Tiger proceeds, "Where would any TV show be without lights? In the dark, that's where. Technicians use their expertise to light each scene to reflect the mood, the action, and highlight the actors. Not a small responsibility. The nominations for excellence in lighting are: Sam Smith for A Touch of Irresponsibility; Larry Lumpas for The Bold and the Timid; Edward Edwards for As The Planet Turns; Jim Hones for General Mayhem, and Willy Williams for the Bad and the Evil. And......the award goes to..............Edward Edwards!"
Tepid applause is heard, except for the part of the auditorium where the As the Planet Turns cast and crew are seated. Rose stands up and leads a chous of "Wahoooooooo" and whistling. This goes on even after poor Edward is standing in front of the mike ready to give his acceptance speech. He looks as the cheering group, smiling at first, but then it gets tedius. He can't be heard over it. He finally yells out, "SIT!" and it stops dead.
"I appreciate your support, gang!" he starts his acceptance speech, then goes on to thank everyone he has ever known, extending all the way back to his kindergarten teacher.
"Stuff a sock in it!" comes from the 12th row.
The ushers know who is responsible for these outbursts, but don't want to ask her to leave in the middle of the show for fear she'll make an even louder, uglier scene. So they stand there shaking their heads.
"Equally important is the sound department," Tiger takes up his duties as MC again, and describes how, without a good sound crew, even the best TV show ever done is reduced to rubble. The audience gets restive. Loud yawning is heard. The fat man back in the 30th row falls asleep and snores so loudly it can be heard clear to the stage.
The winner of the sound award is Theresa Thumbnail. When her name is called, there is genearl tittering in the audience. Theresa accepts the award gamely and after thanking every religious figure since the beginning of time, shoots a dirty look at the audience and stomps offstage.
Henry is squirming in his seat. He turns to WandaSue and asks, "How much longer does this torture go on? I am bored beyond belief!"
Sally pokes him, which really hurts, and whispers, "They haven't done Hottest Couple yet, Hanky! Just wait!"
"How many more hours till they get to that one, though? Will I still be alive by then, or will I have melted into a pool of despondency?"
Sally giggles, "You sure do use some funny words, Hanky!"
Even Tiger Woods is beginning to look bored, until he sees the next category. "NOW, ladies and gentlemen, the award for Best Actor in a daytime drama!"
The music swells, then recedes.
The air becomes full of anticipation again.
"The nomiees for best actor in a daytime drama are: Pete Winters for the Evil and the Ugly; John Gwinett, for As the Planet Turns; Chuck Dutton for General Mayhem; Tom Foster for The Bold and the Timid; and John Mallory for All My Husbands! And............the winner is............Chuck Dutton for General Mayhem!"
The music blares out the theme of that show.
Other people associated with it are all sitting in one area and they go crazy high-fiving each other, and whistling.
Rose looks up at John, who grins at her and comments, "Just wait, our award is yet to come!"
Chuck Dutton stands in front of the mike, running his left index finger around his too tight collar, flop-sweat pooling on his face. He tries to speak. Nothing comes out. The orchestra leader plays the threme music softly to encourage him. Still, he cannot speak. Several people call out derisively, but not from the 12th row. Chuck finally breaks the log-jam and says loudly, "DAMN! Thanks!" and leaves the stage.
Part 4: by Terri
Rosamond and John heard a stirring a few seats over. They saw El and Willliam get up. El looked at Rose and made a fish-face, sucking her cheeks in squishing her mouth up. She moved her mouth like a goldfish. Rosamond totally lost it again.
John put his hand around her neck and gently drew her ear to his mouth. "One more peep out of you, darling, and I will turn you over my knee and spank you!"
Rose looked up at him with her blue eyes wide in surprise. "Promise?"
John shook his head. He leaned over to Jerry and asked, "Where are they going?"
Jerry whispered back, "They are presenting an award together."
Within five minutes, Tiger Woods announced, "She can announce the games and he can serve a mean cocktail weinie for half-time. Talk about your role-reversal! Our next presenters are.... Eleanor Acquitaine but you know her as Wonder Woman and her partner for the evening, William the Conquering Chef!"
William escorted El out on his arm. She was elegant in her emerald green silk dress and William resplendent in his tuxedo, even though it was extra-extra large.
"Eleanor? It is indeed a privilege to be on stage with you."
"As I am with you, William. And the last category is the one that everyone waits for. Even more than the best actor/actress category."
William fakes surprise. "OH? And which one would that be?"
El raised her eyebrows. "Why, that would be the most disgusting couple ever to grace the TV screen!"
William's face registered shock. Eleanor laughed, "I'm only kidding, Big Guy! Actually, it is the coveted 'Hottest Couple in Daytime Drama' award.
William put his hand over his heart in a gesture of fake heart-attack. "Whew! You scared me there for a minute, Eleanor."
Henry leaned forward. "What? What did he say? Hottest couple? What is that?"
Sally stage-whispered, "That's the category of who looks the best without their clothes on!"
"WHAT???" Henry yelled.
"SHHHHHHH!" came a collective hiss from the crowd. Wanda Sue smiled deviously.
"Actually, it's for the couple who can fake like they are really in love!" She looked over at Sally and put her finger to her lips and tapped it. She looked up at the ceiling and said to Sally, "I do declare, Miss Jennings! Who possibly could be in the running for THAT award?" Sally faked bewilderment. "I honestly have not a clue, Miss Skaggs!"
Henry looked from one to the other like he was watching a pingpong match, threw his program down and slunked into his chair, crossing his arms.
Penelope Patterson leaned forward. "NOW is the time to watch your former heartthrob writhe in the throes of despair! When they pair my name up with John Gwinnett, you are going to see fireworks! And when he leaves with me after the party, you WILL see to it that the little loser gets home, won't you? Unless you have other plans!"
Billy Bob looked at Penelope with incredulity. How can one person be such a permanent resident in a fool's paradise? Still....maybe it could work...
Eleanor read off the teleprompter, "The nominees for the Hottest Couple in Daytime Drama are as follows..."
William picked up, "Lottie Lombard and John Mallory for All My Husbands"...
Eleanor read, "Virginia Parker and Chuck Dutton for General Mayhem."
William couldn't help but smile for the next one, "Rosamond De Clifford-Gwinnett and John Gwinnett for As the Planet Turns"
Penelope Patterson leaned forward more and more in her seat. Billy Bob kept sneaking peaks over at Rosamond. Could she possibly not know I am here? She hasn't glanced once in my direction...
Eleaor continued, "Peter Winters and Candace Colyer for The Evil and the Ugly"
and William finished up with, "Sue Sowers and Benny D'Amico for Buon Giorno, Mi Amore"
A crash was heard from the sixth row. "DAMMIT!" was heard loud and clear. Billy Bob reached over and righted Penelope Patterson. "NO FAIR!"
She said in a loud voice. "I was supposed to be nominated for that category! ME! ME and John Gwinnett!" People in the rows around her shusshed her.
Billy Bob ignored Penelope and listened with rapt attention.
William tore open the envelope handed to him. He said to Eleanor, "My dear, would you like to read this?"
Eleanor exagerratedly snatched it out of his hand.
"And the winners are.. .."
"ROSAMOND DE CLIFFORD-GWINNETT AND JOHN GWINNETT FOR AS THE PLANET TURNS!" Eleanor shouted in glee.
William led with his most enthusiastic clapping. Rosamond gasped and John grabbed her hand and pulled her up. The entire audience stood up and gave them a standing ovation.. ...Well, almost everyone!
Rose scampered up to the stage, dragging John with her. People stopped to hug her and clap John on the back. They ran up the stairs.
El whispered, "Nice going, Rosetramp!" and grinned.
Rose fought off the urge to laugh.
Eleanor handed Rose her statue and William handed John his.
All of them were grinning. John and Rose stood before the microphone.
John said, "Honey? Want to go first?"
Rosamond held the statue and said, "This is indeed truly an honor. I feel unworthy to accept it.." Her face was blushed.
The twelfth row yelled, "Then give someone else a chance!"
"...because what you see onscreen truly is not acting. I am fortunate to be married to my co-star. It was a long and arduous journey but we found our way to each other.
I want to thank William for bringing me here, Marty for his guidance and direction, Gwen for her wonderful costumes, my children, and for the people in my life who for the past two years have made me realize what love REALLY is! Most of all, I want to say to John.. ...I love you, from the heart of my bottom!"
Rose did not realize what she said until it was too late. She turned red and broke out in uncontrollable giggles again. Nerves. The audience roared with laughter.
John smiled indulgently. He stepped up to the microphone. "Wow! What can I say?
Thank you to all the terrific writers who gave us the great storylines...thanks to William, who I can't thank enough for all he has done for me.. ..Marty, who took a chance on me....but most of all this beautiful woman who is my best friend and lover.. ..my wife. Rosamond, I love you from the BOTTOM of my HEART!"
And then John and Rose gave each other a hug and a romantic but tasteful kiss.
The flashbulbs popped and exploded. They smiled broadly and waved their statues.
Eleanor whispered to Rosamond, "I need to talk to you before we get to the party. I'm not joking now. Serious."
Rose continued to smile but whispered, "Are you out of your mind, El?"
Eleanor smiled to the audience and whispered back. "I think you and I have trouble on the horizon. A ship that crossed our wake one too many times!"
A FACE in the CROWD.............by Coralynn
"That was so cool!" Marthy exclaims, "I taped the whole thing so William and Eleanor and Rose and John can see it again and again! It's almost over. It's showing some of the people in the audience, too! That's a nice touch! Ooooooooh oh, it's HIM!"
"It's who, dear?" Celeste asks as she puts down her embroidery and looks at the screen more closely.
"HIM!" is all Marthy can say. "Just a minute. It's going off now. I'll rewind and show you. Jack! Jack! Get in here!"
Jack saunters in from the kitchen, where he's been making cinnamon toast, chomping on a slice, dropping crumbs all over the floor.
"JACK! You'll have to clean those up, ya know!" Marilyn tells him.
He grins at her and sits by Marthy. "Now, what's all the fuss, and who is 'him'?"
Marthy rewinds to just before the camera pans over the audience, as everyone watches with rapt attention. When it gets to the right spot, she hits 'pause.'
"It's Henry!" she says, "Look!"
Jack looks and comments, "He has no beard, but I can see a vague resemblance."
"It's him!" Marthy insists, "Look at those piercing eyes! I'd know them in any nightmare!"
Celeste sees the women sitting on either side of Henry2 and realizes that he is the man she saw in the crystal ball, assisting those two hoydens with the salacious photo.
"Those women are Sally Jennings and WandaSue Skaggs," she mentions.
Marilyn gasps, "Those two trainwrecks? What's he doing with them? Could it just be coincidence he's sitting between them?"
"No." is Celeste's answer.
"We oughta warn Rose!" Bess jumps in, "I wonder if she knows he's there?"
"How did he get here?!" Marthy worries aloud, "How did he manage it? Ohh, this is disastrous!"
Celeste stands up and puts her hand-work in a basket, saying, "Rose is an adult. She'll handle it. Eleanor will also find this a turn for which she isn't prepared, but she is also very capable of dealing with it. Let's not panic."
"Not yet, anyway!" Marilyn adds, wishing she were there herself so she could attack Henry2 in the way she knows best.
The lights in the auditorium go up and people begin to stand and move out of their seats into the rows. Many, who don't have tickets to the after-ceremony party, leave.
"Ahhhhh, that was glorious!" Rose says as she joins the group, "Did you think we'd win?"
"Of course!" William says, putting an arm around her, "'Hot' is a word that is so synomymous with you, that if you look it up in the dictionary, there's a photo of you right there in the description."
Eleanor tries to get Rose's attention, but Rose is so caught up in the moment that, by the time El decides to just march up and waylay her, Rose has proceeded up the aisle too far. El hurries, but can't catch her.
"I'll tell her at the party," she thinks as they all proceed to the site of said party.
"HEY! We get to go to the party!" WandaSue says with glee, "See? It says so right on our tickets. We get to rub shoulders with those big stars. YOU," looking at Henry, "get to stick it to Rose and Eleanor and watch them squirm."
Henry is mute. After witnessing what he did tonight, his confidence is considerably lower than it was when this whole thing started.
He wonders if Eleanor recognized him from the stage. She looked straight at him, too, and he saw a flicker of recognition on her face. Very briefly, but it was there. Ohhhh rats, he thinks, the last person I want to tangle with is Eleanor!
Billy Bob, disappointed, but not surprised, that Penelope's plans have come to naught, follows her out. "I'll signal for our limo," he tells her.
"Not so fast!" she grabs his arm, "We're going to the party. Everyone will be there!"
"Why do I want to be there, though?"
"Because......because Rose will see you with me and see how sharp you look, and how madly in love we are, and get jealous! Of course!"
"I have to pretend to be madly in love with you?!"
"It won't be hard! I can be pretty hot when I want to be!" she stands on tiptoe and gives him one of those kisses that pulls your lips straight out. It hurts, and his hand goes to his mouth to see if his lips are still on his face.
He follows her, not knowing what this party will bring, what advantage it will be for him. He shruggs and proceeds into the large ballroom in which the party is being held.
WandaSue, Sally, and Henry2 are standing along one wall of the room. The orchestra, hired to play dance music, is almost all set up. There is a cluster around Rose and John; people congratulating them.
WandaSue grins smugly, and thinks, "Just wait, Rosetramp! I have your nemesis right here!" and she looks at Henry2, who isn't wearing the glasses anymore. He took them off early in the evening.
He's looking longingly at the table laden down with food, hoping to at least get a meal out of this. Someone puts a tall stack of dishes at one end. He walks toward the table, the two women following.
"Ya hungry?" WandaSue asks as she takes a plate, "Man! Look at this grub! Whew, this is worth the price of admission, what say ye, Sal, olde pal?"
"Since we got in free, I say time to eat!>, Sally replies.
The two women are busily loading up their plates; Henry being last in line. Others begin to wander over to the table as well. As he decides between the shrimp and the chicken fingers, a familiar voice whispers, "What in hell are you doing here?"
PEERING THRU THE PALM FRONDS....by Terri
Henry whipped his head around.
"I said, What the hell are you doing here?" It was Billy Bob Montgomery and he was talking to WandaSue, not Henry.
Henry breated a sigh of tempoary relief.
"Why, darling, the same as you. Having a good time!" Wanda Sue retorted.
Henry looked over and recognized Billy Bob.
Henry quickly slipped on his cokebottle glasses while balancing a plate in one hand.
"How could you garner an invite? You have friends in low places, dirt bag!"
Wanda Sue airily waved her hand. "Au contraire, mon mari! I happened to win a contest on TV that gave me carte blanche to enjoy myself and three of my friends to this soiree (which Wanda Sue pronounced sore-eee) I scalped the last ticket to a Japanese tourist. That's him over there. HEY! Soon-Yee! Enjoying yourself?"
Soon-Yee turned to Wanda Sue, put his hands together and bowed. "Nice kimono, don't you think?"
"Who would be crazy enough to show up and hang out with you?"
Wanda Sue said, "Why, surely you know my new best friend Sally and her cousin from England. Bertram Higgenbotham. Legally blind bastard, too!"
Henry stuck his hand out to shake Billy Bob's but he ended up shaking his cummerbund.
"What are you, a blind pervert too?"
Billy Bob just about knocked Wanda Sue's drink out of her hand. "Stay out of my way, dirt bag! Work the opposite side of the room!"
Wanda Sue shook her head in mock sadness. "I see that your Rosetramp won hottest couple. Thought she and Gwinnett were gonna do it on the stage, they were all over each other. Doesn't that just frost you, lover?"
Billy Bob yelled, "Just shut your mouth, trash-brain!"
He turned on his heel. Wanda Sue said to the other two, "Was it something I said?
Some people are sooo touchy!"
Rosamond and John entered the ballroom. Marty came bustling up to them. "I may have lost the best producer award but you two took the prize! All the better to advertise Time and Chance! What do you say?"
Rose tried to keep a bright smile. "Marty, please! We are high off winning our award! Let's just enjoy the party and leave the shop talk for later, OK?"
John smiled. "Yeah, Marty--darling? Would you like some champagne?"
"I'd love some!"
"Come on, Marty-let's grab a glass. Be right back, honey."
El came up to Rosamond. "I need to talk to you right now! RIGHT NOW! It's important!"
She dragged Rosamond by the arm behind a potted palm. Rose said, "OW! El, you are digging your nails into me! You'll leave a bruise!"
Eleanor hissed, "Never mind that sh...stuff! Look over there!"
"Where?"
"THERE!! Tell me what you see!"
"I see Fat Butt Pastrami Patterson and Wanda Sue Skaggs..WANDA SUE SKAGGS! What is she doing here? And I can't believe it! They are wearing the same dress!"
El said impatiently, "Look closer. Who else do you see?"
"I see the back of a very good-looking guy with Pastrami. Broad shoulders. Narrow hips. Cute butt. He has blond hair and OMIGOD!" Rose said loudly.
El put her hand over Rose's mouth and dragged her further behind the palm tree.
Billy Bob turned at the sound of Rose's voice and said, "Rosamond?"
But he didn't see her. Rose began to struggle with El's hand over her mouth.
"Rose? Problem?"
Rose nodded her head.
"Can't breathe?"
Rose nodded again.
El said, "I'm going to take my hand away but no more outbursts, OK? OK? This is important. REAL important!"
El took her hand away. Rose whispered loudly, "Are you insane? I couldn't breathe!"
El pointed to Wanda Sue and Sally Jennings. "Look over there. I saw him sitting with them at the awards show. He was right between the two of them."
"Are you talking about the guy in the kimono?"
"NO! Rose, I am about ready to slap you upside the head like I do Daniel. Look closer."
Rose parted the palm fronds and peered through them. "You mean the guy with the Pepsi can glasses?"
"Coke.Coke bottle glasses. Look at the way he stands. Who else stands like that?"
"Henry, but only because he has that sword scabbarded on his left side. He always listed to one side. That guy doesn't have a sword."
"Maybe not, but who's standing there tilted ever...so...slightly?
"Oh, Eleanor! Don't be ridiculous! Henry is moldering for the last 800 years!"
El pinched her. "OW! Eleanor, stop that! What has gotten into you?"
"Rose, for once in your pampered, spoiled life, listen to me! For Pete's sake, I was MARRIED to him! Now tell me, who is Mr. Coke Bottles with?"
"He appears to be with Wanda Sue Skaggs and that horrible Sally Jennings."
"who...?"
"who.....what? what?"
"WHO HAS A TRAVEL COIN! Do I have to spell it out to you? I think those two ditzes went back in time and brought our worst nightmare into the 21st century!"
Rosamond's hands flew to her mouth. "No! NO!! I can't believe it! How can we find out for sure?"
El said, "I have a plan. How about each of us approach him, you on one side, me on the other and pretend we don't know who he is. He'll feel confident and let his guard down. Oh, oh, I see Jerry found John and they are both coming over with our champagne."
John handed Rose her fluted glass. "Ah, so this is where the two of you are!"
Rose nodded wordlessly to him, her mind in a whirl. Henry? Here? I'll never be safe. I'll never be free.
El narrowed her eyes in the direction of Wanda Sue and Sally. He stands just like Henry. Right size. Right coloring. Same piercing blue eyes. I saw him without his beard once, when the royal barber slipped....nice jaw. But what is his agenda? Why is he here? Somehow we have to find out for sure...
MY NAME IS.......UH.......BERTRAM!.........by Coralynn
Eleanor all but drags Rose over to the side of the room where Henry2 is standing.
"But I'm scared!" Rose keeps whispering to her.
Eleanor stops her forward motion and stands facing Rose, fixing her with an intense glare. "Look! Rose! Whose timeframe is he in? Whose turf is he on?"
"Ours?"
"Exactly! Who is in a position of power, Henry.....or us?"
"Us?"
"Does he have kingly power in the 21st century?"
"I guess not."
"Damned straight!" Eleanor takes Rose's arm and they again walk toward Henry, who seems to have lost his two guard dogs.
Eleanor stands beside Henry and casually asks, "What TV show are you affililiated with? Have we met?"
Henry is not prepared for questions. He grabs for a glass from the tray of a passing waiter, and knocks over every glass the poor fellow is carrying.
The waiter yells, "Watch what you're doing! Are you blind?"
Henry decides to go with that. "Yes, as a matter of fact."
El suggests, "Let us move over there........away from the broken glass.......now, as you were saying......."
Henry knows he's trapped, so he answers, "I'm Sally's cousin, Bertram Higginbotham from England; just jumped the pond for this occasion."
"Bertram?!" Rose echoes, hoping her voice doesn't tremble.
"So, Bertram, are you enjoying the party?" Eleanor needs him to keep talking. What he's said so far has allowed her to zero in on his vocal tone. El hears a voice that, were it not for the false affectation he's obviously putting on, sounds eerily like Henry's.
"Oh yes, quite, quite."
"What do you.........do.......in England?" Rose asks.
For just a fleeting moment, Henry forgets to disguise his voice, "I'm the kin........"
"You're kin? to whom?" El has his number now.
"Excuse me ladies, I need to visit the men's room," Henry wants to escape this interrogation. How dare Eleanor do this to him? He tries to walk away, but El grabs onto his arm, "Not so fast, Henry!"
He looks into her face, and his guard drops, "Unhand me, woman!" he tells her in his imperious voice that she recalls so well from those years of being married to him.
Eleanor holds on tighter and digs her nails into his arm.
"Get the other arm, Rose!"
Rose grabs Henry's other arm and between them they walk him out of the ballroom into a deserted hallway.
He squirms and tries to free himself, but having fingernails dug into both arms when he struggles, is painful. When did these two grow such weapons on the ends of their fingers, he wonders.
Eleanor slams him up against a wall. "Who brought you here?" she demands, "Wanda Sue? Sally Jennings? Who?"
He tries to intimidate her with his piercing eyes, which are now turned on full throttle.
Rose, in a fit of bravery, reaches up and undoes his tie. Whisking it off, she suggests, "What say we tie him up?"
Henry struggles in vain. Before he knows it, his hands are tied behind his back.
Eleanor undoes his cummerbund and ties it around his ankles.
They shove him down the hall, slowly, as he can hardly move his feet more than a few inches at a time.
"There! That closet!" El points to a utility closet, which, thankfully, is not locked.
When it has been opened, the women look around for something to use as a gag. Rose spots duct tape, and, pulling it off the shelf, tosses it to Eleanor, and between them they wrap his lower face in several layers of the thick, sticky tape.
"There!" Eleanor stands back to admire their handywork. "NOW, buster, get in the closet and stay put!"
Henry is pushed into the closet and the door is shut. There is no light and his childhood fear of the dark is revived. He is so totally trussed up that he can't move his hands, his legs, or his mouth. He slumps down on the floor of the place and groans.
Eleanor opens the door a crack and yells in, "No groaning, Henry! Now you know what it's like to be held captive. Enjoy!" and slams the door shut again.
"Shall we rejoin the festivities?" Rose quips as the two women walk back to the ballroom.
When Penelope Patterson spots Rose and Eleanor walking into the ballroom, she sees her chance. Grabbing BB, she engages him in a clinch so tight that he has no time to react, and kisses him passionately. He knows it must be her idea of 'passionately'.....but he simply finds it annoying. However, this was part of the deal, so he stands there and lets it happen.
WandaSue chooses this moment to confront the woman who is wearing 'her' dress. Approaching PP from the back, she yanks the other woman away from BB and yells, "Get your own dress, slut! And, while you're at it, your own man! This one belongs to me!"
People in that area of the ballroom stop what they're doing, dancers stop dancing, eaters stop eating......and watch.
Penelope strikes back, delivering a blow to WandaSue's face. WandaSue reaches over and grabs PP's hair, pulling as hard as she can. She is rewarded with a handfull of wig; PP is........bald!
PP's hands fly to her head. With a look of panic and humiliation, she runs from the ballroom.
"Hmmmm, Billy Bob, ya really know how ta pick 'em!" WandaSue chides, "Next time try to find someone who's not a man in drag!!"
PP runs down a deserted hallway, looking for a place to hide. Ahhhh, a utility closet! PP opens the door and goes in, and just as the door is shut, bumps into a large lump on the flooor. Reaching over, flipping on the light, PP sees a man all tied up with duct tape over his mouth.
"How'd you get in here?"
"ummmmppppphhhh," the man tries to communicate.
PP looks at the man's clothes. Yes! Those will do! "Tell ya what, mister, I'll untie you IF you'll switch clothes with me."
"mmmmmmmm!"
PP pulls a small revolver out of the top of the pantyhose she's wearing, and points it at Henry. "I can blow your head off with this! So, change clothes with me or your brains get to be the new wallpaper!"
Pain and fear register in Henry's usually piercing eyes, which have lost most of their luster.
PP stands him up, holding the gun strategically.
His hands are unbound, his legs as well. PP decides to leave the gag on.....after all, his clothes are what she's after.
PP disrobes Henry, who is past the point of being modest. When will this nightmare end?? Why did he agree with those crazy women to go into the 21st century? Why? It has all gone terribly wrong!
PP gets out of the red gown with some effort, it being as tight as it is, and begins to don Henry's pants, shirt and jacket. That still leaves her head to cover, somehow. "Look around.....ya see anything I can wear on my head?"
With the duct tape still securely around his mouth, Henry is unable to make suggestions.
PP spots a roll of cloth and grabs it. It's not a full roll, fortunately, and it goes around her head several times, turban style. She tucks in the end of the cloth and calls it good.
Slipping the gun into one of the pants pockets, PP turns to Henry who is now standing in his underwear, and says "Good luck, bud, you'll need it!" and leaves the closet.
HENRY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET......by Terri
Rose began to giggle uncontrollably. She whispered to El, "You are going to be the death of me yet! How come we didn't have this much fun at Court?"
El said sensibly, "Because our closet buddy made it impossible! He flaunted you in Court. I was relegated to a prison, actually. For that I can never forgive him!"
Jerry looked over and saw El and Rose. "There they are! Where in the hell were you girls? John and I looked high and low for you. Thought you'd been kidnapped!"
Eleanor patted his face. "No, just girl talk!"
Rose blurted out, "We saw Henry the Second and stuffed him in a closet!"
Eleanor thought fast, "Oh, that is so funny, Rose! John, this has been her night for giggles!" She pinched Rose's butt behind her. "OW!"
John raised his eyebrows. "You OK, Honey?"
"Ye-yes! Something just stuck me. Must be a pin that Gwen put in this dress. No time for alterations."
Marty came up to the four of them. "What a wild scene! Penelope Patterson with no hair! I asked Alan Kershaw, her director, about it. He said Penelope was up for that new StarTrek sequel. She thought she'd gotten the part, so she shaved her head! Just trying to get into the role. Turns out she didn't get it. So there she was, stuck with no StarTrek part, this awards show, and a bald head! Heard her hair took a beating when Rose threw bleach on her during that catfight in the studio."
Eleanor said to the guys, "Would you excuse us? Rosamond and I have to use the little girl's room."
"No, I don't."
Eleanor grabbed her arm and dragged her away. "Yes, you do!"
Over her shoulder, El said, "Be right back!"
Jerry looked after them. "Something weird going on?"
John downed his glass of champagne and grabbed another. "Yes. And I don't want to know what it is!"
Eleanor grabbed Rose by the arm and led her to the bathroom. "Are you crazy?" Rose gasped. "John will know how to take care of Henry! I need to tell John what is going on!"
El was exasperated. "Don't you want to handle Henry yourself? Honestly, Rose! You can do this. You can't keep running to men to solve your problems."
Rose said, "You are right. Like the song says, 'I am Woman, hear me whine!"
"Roar. Hear me ROAR! Don't bother John with it. He almost got himself killed by Marshall Dillon not to mention that little hunting expedition with Henry that first time we went to Court. Let the man live!"
Rose squared her shoulders. "You are right. We can do this!"
"Now go out there and be your charming, scintillating self!" and El made a fishface for Rose that caused her to dissolve in laughter.
"Eleanor, you will be the death of me tonight!"
As they joined the men, John handed Rose a glass of champagne. "Would you two excuse us?" He led Rosamond over to the potted palm trees. Deja vu! Wasn't I just here? Rose thought.
John backed her up against the wall and put his hands on the wall on either side of her head. "OK, Missy---what's going on? What are you and Eleanor plotting?"
Rose put on her innocent face. "Plotting? Us?" She ducked down under his arms and then took his hand. "Come on, love. Let's get something to eat!"
They walked up to the serving line. John said, "Oh, damn! I forgot to tell Marty something. I'll be right back, honey."
Rose picked up a plate and headed for the salad. As she reached over to put an oriental salad on her plate, a voice said" Why, Mrs. Gwinnett---as I live and breathe!"
Rosamond looked up into the cool blue eyes of her former husband.
She said cooly, "Well, if it isn't William Robert Montgomery-as I live and breathe!
Aren't you out of your element? I remember how you hated these occasions."
Billy Bob picked up the tongs and put a cherry tomato on Rosamond's salad plate.
He said softly,"I remember how you like them. In fact, I remember everything about you."
Rose said, "That was another lifetime ago."
BB asked, "How is Julie?"
"She's fine."
"Is she walking yet?"
"She's starting to crawl. She gets up on all fours and rocks back and forth, ready to take off."
"Will she remember me?"
"She was three months old when you pulled your disappearing act. NO. She wouldn't remember you. John is the only daddy she knows."
"Congratulations on your win. You always were a terrific actress. You sure had me fooled. I thought we were solid. I thought you loved me."
"I did. At one time I did."
"I have to tell you, Rosamond. I still love you."
"Then that is something you will have to deal with."
Rose turned her back on him as John approached. "Darling! Whatever took you so long....?"
Virginia Parker grabbed Chuck Dutton's hand. She whispered, "Oh, darling! I can't wait another minute longer!" She kissed him passionately in the hallway.
He whispered huskily, "Where can we go?"
Virginia put her hand on the janitor's closet. "In here, my love...."
"WHAT THE HELL....?"
Henry came stumbling out of the janitor's closet in his underwear. He gasped, "Thanks for rescuing me!" as his eyes squinted in the bright light.
Virginia and Chuck were speechless.
Sue Dutton approached the couple. "There you are, Chuck! I was looking all over for you!" To Virginia, she said, "Thanks for finding my husband for me!" She took Chuck's arm and led him back into the ballroom. Virginia got red in the face and kicked the door repeatedly.
"I say, Madame, there seems to be a problem?" Henry asked, bewildered.
She pushed Henry. "YOU RUINED IT! YOU RUINED IT!" and stomped off.
Henry did a slow burn. Those two wenches! So they HAVE become best friends! Comrades in arms! Mutual enemies will make strange bedfellows out of people.
Now what to do? He looked down and saw himself in his underwear. Strange garments they are. I must remember to take some back to Court with me.
He squared his shoulders. After all, I AM king, no matter what I am arrayed in!
And he marched into the ballroom.
As he stood there, surveying the crowd, he caught sight of the women who had put him in that predicament. They were laughing and talking with their men. John Gwinnet I know, but who has Eleanor taken up with? OH, and over there is Rosamond's former husband, Billy Bob Montgomery, glaring at her.
Wanda Sue and Sally were standing over by the waiter drinking champagne.
Sally nudged WandaSue. "Look! It's Hank! But....where are his clothes?"
Wanda Sue burst out laughing. "I don't know--but guaranteed Rosetramp is behind it!
Looks like Hanky is about to confront her!"
From the undercurrent of casual conversation, laughter and the tinkling of champagne glasses, a voice was heard to bellow out,
"ELEANOR!!! ROSAMOND!!!"
Rosamond's hands flew up to her open mouth. Eleanor got a deliciously wicked grin on her face. The room became silent.
Henry stood there in his underwear, duct tape hanging all over his face. Sticky glue dotted his face. He clutched Penelope Patterson's red dress.
Wanda Sue yelled out, "Hanky!! Ya got her dress off! Fast work! Gives new meaning to the words, 'hanky panky', don't it?"
Henry marched up to Rose and Eleanor and threw the dress down at Eleanor's feet.
"I was stripped of my garments by a bald doxy in a scarlet colored gown! Nay, but not before I was thrust in a small darkened room with only a mop for company! Dost thou not know that I am KING??"
He got up in Eleanor's face. She had a hard time maintaining her composure.
"Mayhap I shall put you in the Tower for all eternity, or the end of your miserable life, oh ball and chain of my life!"
Rosamond looked at Eleanor and started to giggle.
"OH! You think this is amusing, trollop?" He looked around at the crowd, sweeping his hand around. "Or shall I daresay tell these fine noblemen how you would come to my bed without benefit of matrimony, from the tender age of 16!"
To the crowd, he said imperiously, "After all, I am Henry Curtmantle of the Angevin kings!"
Everyone started applauding. "What a performance!" "Man should be on Broadway!"
"Wow! The next O'Toole! The next Burton!" "Wonder if he has an agent?"
Marty stood next to John, clapping enthusiastically. "Wonderful performance! Just spell-binding!" John stood there wordlessly, turning to Rosamond. His eyebrows shot up. Rose whispered, "I'll explain later, sweetheart."
"Damn right you'll explain later! Why didn't you tell me?"
Marty whispered to his wife, "I think I just found the man to play Henry the Second in Time and Chance!! What a performance!"
HENRY GETS A GIG............by Coralynn
Marty Henshaw approaches Henry2 and tells him, "I'd like to star you in a min-series we're filming soon. It's all about Henry the Second, Eleanor of Aquitaine and Rosamond Clifford. You'd be perfect!"
"Of course I'd be perfect!" Henry replies, throwing out his chest.
"Where are you staying?"
"With friends temporarily, till I decide if I want to stay here or move on."
"OH you must stay! Tell you what: my wife and I have a large apartment here in Manhattan, and, since the kids grew up and moved out, we have three empty bedrooms. You must stay with us!"
Henry strokes his beard, but since it's been shaved off, he strokes his neck, then pulls his hand away before anyone notices. "I suppose that could be arranged!"
"You must come home with us this very night!" Marty is getting caught up in his own enthusiasm, "Where is your luggage?"
Henry wonders what 'luggage' is, but replies, "I don't have any," which he figures he probably doesn't if he has never even heard the word before.
"No matter. First thing tomorrow morning, we'll outfit you. What size do you wear, 42 long?"
Henry has no idea what that means, "Yes."
"You can wear some of my stuff till we get you outfitted. You are going to be sensational. Do you have an agent?"
"Should I have?"
"Absolutely! You need someone to represent you so that you get the best offer, the most money. I'd say half a mil per episode, easy!"
Hmmmm, Henry thinks, that must be a lot, so he nods his head in agreement, "I'll get an agent." he tells Marty, wondering how he'll go about doing that. Marty probably knows how; so he won't worry about it.
As Marty and Henry2 are talking details, Eleanor picks up the red gown that has been flung at her feet and hands it to Rose. "Here, a little souvinier!" she laughs.
John hates to be kept in the dark, and frowns at his wife, "I want to hear all about this, Rose. How did Henry end up in the closet?"
"El and I dragged him out and tied him up and threw him in the utility closet," she says, laughing again.
"This isn't funny, Rose! You could have been harmed!"
"Oh John, for the love of mud, will you please give me credit for being a grown-up? I'm not that simpering little 16 yr old he alluded to in his grand speech to the masses we just heard. And I have Eleanor. You want to vanquish your foes, you want El by your side!"
Eleanor is far from happy, however. "Didn't you hear Marty, Rose? He wants Henry to be in the 'Time and Chance' mini-series! Didn't you tell me he wants you to star in it as well?"
"Yes. This could be a problem."
"You are not going to be in that movie! I put my foot down!" John rants.
Rose looks up at him and glowers, "You're beginning to sound like Billy Bob Montgomery, my friend. I advise against this.....I highly advise against this. I don't put up with people who try to run my life. Please let's not go down that road, John."
WandaSue turns to Sally Jennings. "I think we just lost our boarder. Our house-guest. Our way to stick it to Rose and Eleanor."
Sally grins, "But, WandaSue, that guy over there, Marty somebody or other, said he wants Henry to be in a movie, playing Henry the Second. Our little ploy may work out even better than we originally planned!"
WandaSue's eyes light up. "Yeah! Yeah! I just wish we were going to be around to see it!"
"You've heard of 'extas'?"
"No."
"I saw something on television about how movies have to hire a lot of people to make up crowds and stuff. You know, people passing by on the street, just people in the movie who don't have a big part, but they do get to be on the set!"
"Ahhhhhh, you thinking what I'M thinking, Sal old pal?"
"Our brains are in perfect alignment, WandaSue, my friend!"
YOU DON'T OWN ME.......by Terri
Jerry looked over at the crowd thinning out. "Looks like the cream of the crop has departed and the unwashed masses are left behind. You ready to go, Eleanor?"
"Yes, I think this party has hit its climax and is coasting its way downhill. Rose? John? You coming too?"
John stared hard at Rosamond. "I don't know yet. Darling? You ready to go?"
Rosamond recognized the steely resolve in his voice. "In a few minutes. Oh, garcon? Another champagne, if you please!"
Jerry took John aside. "I think you and Rose had better go home. Looks like you both have had a wee too much bubbly. That stuff creeps up on you."
John said, "No, I'm OK. I just don't like being kept in the dark where Plantagenet is concerned. He tried to shoot an arrow in me once. I would have expected Rosamond to tell me he was in town."
Rosamond quickly downed the champagne and signaled for another one. Uh, oh, from the look on John's face he is highly displeased with me. I'll deal with that in the limo--or when we get home. She grabbed another glass as the waiter walked by.
John took her firmly by the elbow.
"Come on, darling. We are going home."
Marty came over to them. "I'm serious, Rosamond. I want you in Time and Chance. I won't take no for an answer!"
John snapped his rope. "I'm sorry, Martin. Rosamond won't be available. I think the subject matter is too time-consuming for her. After all, she has the soap."
Marty waved his hand. "We'll put Daisy lost at sea or in a plane crash in the Amazon. No problem!"
"She has a house to remodel. We want to be in there in a few months. And she has two small children who consume her attention. No, Marty, she won't be doing it!"
Rosamond had finally had enough. "Excuse me! I am here in the first person. Don't treat me like I am here in the third person. Marty, yes! I am willing to do the role."
"Wonderful!" Marty said.
John looked at her and grabbed her arm. "I think we will be going home now, Marty. We'll talk about this tomorrow."
Rose, who wasn't in the mood to be told what to do, said, "Nothing to discuss, darling. This is a role I was *hic* born to play!"
"I-said-we-will-talk-about-this-in-the-morning!" John said between his teeth.
Rose jerked her arm away and went to the coat check. She pulled the claimcheck out of the bosom of her dress. "Safest place in the world, sometimes!"
John turned to Marty. "Thanks alot, Marty!" and stomped off after Rosamond.
Marty stood there and yelled after John, "Congratulations on the Hottest Couple Award!"
John glared at him in a backward glance. Marty scratched his head. Now what did I do wrong?
Rosamond was putting on her silver fox full-length coat when John reached her.
"Ready to leave, darling?" she said tersely.
John said curtly, "You'd better believe it!"
Several of their co-workers and people from other networks came by.
"Congratulations!" "Knew you'd win!" "You guys are magic!" "Not fair to anyone else, ha-ha!"
Rose and John put on a front for everyone, accepting their congratulations and best wishes. Their limo pulled up as they reached the curb.
Rose flashed a smile at the chauffeur. "Thank you very much!" She slid in the seat and looked out the window.
"Rosamond..."
"I would appreciate it if you didn't talk to me at this moment. I am trying very hard to cool down so I won't say something we may both regret."
"FINE!" John said.
They sat in silence. The miles from Manhattan to Chappaqua seemed endless. Finally they arrived home. As they entered, Marilyn was the only one still up.
"Hey, you two! Congratulations!"
John said wearily, "Thanks, Marilyn. And thank you for watching the children."
Rose said quietly, "Were they any trouble?"
"No trouble at all. Oh, Julie spit up on Henry, but that's no big deal! He'd dribble more food on his shirt than a little baby-puke."
Marilyn looked from one to the other. "You guys OK?"
Rose rubbed her temple. "Yes. Just tired. I am going to bed. I owe you one, Marilyn! Thanks! I love you!"
Marilyn looked puzzled and then shrugged. "That's OK. I'm going to bed now. Goodnight!"
"Goodnight, Marilyn, and thanks!"
Rosamond climbed the steps with John right behind her. As she entered the door, she slammed it behind her.
"OW! Dammit, are you trying to break my face?"
He kicked the door open with his foot. "Let's get it over with,." he said. "I don't want you in that miniseries. Case closed. Not open for discussion."
Rose kicked her shoes off and pulled off her dress and left it crumpled on the chair. "I agree."
"You do? Darling, I knew you'd see reason!" He put his arms around her. She grabbed his arms and pulled them off her. "I agree--case closed, not open for discussion."
"WHAT? Let me get this straight. You fully intend to star in a miniseries featuring YOU. Not you today, you of 800 years ago. You are going to star opposite the man who despoiled you when you were sixteen. Never mind the fact that I have been thrown over for that part. But your co-star has been dead for 800 years. So you are going to be working with your worst nightmare. The man who shot an arrow at me. The man who roughed you up and slapped you at your Mother's castle. The man who attacked you. The man who was going to run you through with a sword in your Grandmother's stable."
Rose pulled the covers down. "Yes. I guess you covered it all. Now I am going to bed. I fully expect to have a hellacious headache in the morning."
John stormed into the bathroom. Is she out of her mind? This has disaster written all over it. Why won't she listen to reason? He washed his face and something caught his attention. Rosamond's birth control pills. He looked at them. Hmmm....about the same size as those baby aspirins....if she was pregnant, she'd be too sick to play that role and Marty would have to replace her....
John sighed. NO! I can't do that. WAY too dishonest! No, something like that has to be a mutual decision.
He sighed again, turned out the light and crawled in bed next to Rosamond. He tried to put his arm around her but she had moved to the far side of the bed.
John rolled over, thought to himself, tomorrow she'll see reason, and went to sleep.
Back to Table of Contents
[ Read / Sign my guestbook ] Get a free Guestbook