"Jason, I want you to meet my mom."

"Wha-- ?"

"Hello Jason."

"Ummm... hi, Ms. - umm... Ms. Jason's mom.  Jason, can I talk to you alone for a sec."

"Sure"

"..."

"What?"

"WHAT THE FRICK ARE YOU DOING YOU IDIOT!?!  WE HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP, WE HAVE NEVER HAD A RELATIONSHIP, AND WE WILL NEVER HAVE A RELATIONSHIP! WHAT'S NEXT - PICKING OUT CHINA PATTERNS!?!"

"Well, since you bring it up, there's a sweet dusty rose antique down at the -  "

"NO!"

"You're really blowing this out of proportion - remember, this is supposed to be a light comedy piece."

"Like 'Throw Mama From the Train'?"

"Manhandle my momma and I'll remove your left eyebrow... well, the left half of your monobrow...  Now, handle this like the man and talk to her before she gets a bad first
impression."

"Ahem... So, what brings you here?"

"No clue.  The writer was getting desperate for material, and wanted a new character."

"No motivation."

"Not really... I think I'm supposed to dislike you.  And hilarity ensues."

"Sort of like a sitcom."

"Yeah, but I'm not channeling the Will and Grace writers yet."

"So, settle a bet for me - how old is Jason?"

"Well, although he doesn't like to admit it, he's twenty--"

"Alright, that's enough.  I don't think we'll find a plot muddling through my chronological history."

"Now, son, don't let your age get you down.  If you'd just learn to accept it, you'd do fine."

"What do you mean!?!"

"Sweetie, midriff-baring shirts are only for those still with a midriff worth baring."

"I DO SO HAVE A - "

"And those pants!"

"WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINS - "

"Oh, don't get me started - I don't know who dresses him, but it's certainly not me."

"THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WI - "

"Maybe next time try 'loose fit' - oh, and something long-sleeved to cover those underdeveloped biceps."

"MY BICEPS ARE THE EPITOME OF - "

"When he was a child, we used to put a bag over his head when he got into a fit - sure it was dangerous, but unconsciousness is a much better alternative to that screechy little voice."

"I'M CALLING SOCIAL SERVICES RIGHT NOW AND-"

"Kidding, dear.  We never let you lose consciousness.  Well, not often."

"Alright, that's enough!  Mom, you're supposed to be on my side!  I'M THE ONE HERE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEVELOPING CHARACTER!  I'M THE ONE WHO'S GOING TO BE A LOVABLE, CARING, THREE DIMENSIONAL-- "

"See, he's always had that touchy side."

"Do tell."

"Ever since he was a baby - if the diaper didn't have pink flowers, he'd throw a fit - stomping, screaming, the whole nine yards - very unbecoming for a twelve year old."

"MOM!"

"Heh heh.  I like you, you can stay."

"Oh, I'd love to dear, but I'm due at the Rancheros this evening.  All night bingo - there's no way I'm missing it.  They're having a stripper tonight - well, actually it's just Herald... he's taking a new medication that removes all his inhibitions.  He channels Ricky Martin.  Not bad, but his
bon-bons have definitely seen better days."

"Byebyemomtakecareloveyabye."

"Such a nice lady.  What happened to you?"

"I should have never let her out of the home.  I didn't think the anti-christ would be a blood relation."

"Well, at least I know what to get you for your birthday."

"Ooo! What?"

"I'm thinking something with pink flowers..."

"Oh, that is such a cheesy way to end a story."

"It's the best the writer could do - it's his third rewrite and he just gave up."

"Quitter."