----- I ROBOT, YOU JANE -----
Season 1, Episode 8
* Guest Fiver by Dave *

The Place: Corzona, Italy.
The Time: A long time ago. Long ago. Trust me. You really need a year? Oh… Um…. Let’s say 1418.

Moloch: (Speaking in Ye Olde Italiane) Carlo… Carlo my dear one… I need your love.
Carlo: Wait a sec… you aren’t… y’know… “funny” are you?
Moloch: What?! No!! I just need your love!
Carlo: Ok, so you’re just a massive, green-scaled demon with horns big enough to take out a horse’s brains in one headbutt. What could go wrong?
*Moloch snaps Carlo’s neck*
Carlo: Forget I asked!

Chief Monk: Quickly! We must form the circle of Kayless!
Monk: Isn’t that a Klingon?
Chief: No, this isn't Five Minute Next Generation, now work with me people! Bo rders. Ama zon dot com. Bar nes et No bel.
Moloch: Nooooooooooooooooooooo! *gets sucked into the book*
Chief: Good, now put the book in a box. Put the box in the ground. Put the ground in… nevermind. Just bury it and make it someone else’s problem.
Monk: Why don’t we just burn it?
Chief: Shh! Plot holes are there for Joss Whedon’s convenience.

The Place: Sunnydale, CA
The Time: About 2:30 p.m.

Buffy: So what’s in this box?
Giles: I haven’t had time to look through those books so I imagine its some major plot point.
Willow: Cool, give it to me. I haven’t had an episode really focus on me yet.

Jenny: Hey, is Angel around?
Buffy: No, why?
Jenny: Nothing, you’ll find out next season.

Xander: Willow do you need me to hang around?
Willow: No thanks; I’ll just sit here and see if this plot point comes around soon.
Computer: Where am I?
Willow: Cool, that didn’t take very long!

*The following week*
Buffy: Willow? WILLOW! *getting out a megaphone* WILLOW!
Willow: Oh, wha-? Sorry Buffy, I didn’t hear you.
Buffy: How could you not?
Willow: Sorry, I have a new boyfriend. We met online.
Buffy: *thinks* Wait, it’s only 1996, and we haven’t had the huge online boom yet. On line for what?
Willow: Moron.
Computer: Watch her. Closely…. Every supple curve…. Jeezus I need a new body desperately, now!

Guy with laptop: Wait a sec, who deleted all my porn? Where did my porn go?!

Xander: Doesn’t this Malcolm guy give you the wiggins?
Buffy: The fact we constantly say wiggins gives me the wiggins.
Xander: But aren’t you worried he could be something he’s not?
Buffy: You’re right. He could be a midget. Or a circus freak. Or Steve Case! He’s probably Steve Case!

Xander: You know what happens, people meet on the net, go to a show, and then have hot sweaty sex.
Buffy: Hmm. Willow… hot sweaty sex…. With Steve Case… Sounds kinky, but it could have possibilit--
Xander: Please don’t mention Steve Case and Willow having sex EVER again.

Buffy: Look at me… being really stealthy… in the loudest-patterned full-length trench coat this side of Tupelo, Mississippi.

Moloch: Kill her. That ensemble is just way too ugly to let her live.
Fritz: Finally some action in this talky episode. I mean, blah blah blah, Moloch, love you, blah blah
Moloch: Shut up, I’m the star of this episode
Fritz: *quickly* Yes master. Sorry master.

Giles: Now whatever you do, you mustn’t break into CRD.
Buffy: Oh puhleeze, you just said the words “break in” and you expect us to obey you? Later! *Beeeooom*
Xander: Later! *Beeeeoom*
Giles: Why couldn't I have been a fighter pilot? It would have been far less dangerous.

Dave: Hey Buffy, Willow was looking for you. In the girl’s locker-room.
Buffy: Why would you be in the girl’s locker-room?
Dave: Um, gotta go!
Buffy: Pervert.

Buffy: Wow, a shower running with no one near by, and let’s face it, pretty much no one showers during gym class, I fail to see how this could be a trap in any way, shape, or form.
Dave: Buffy! There’s a demon in the computer trying to take over Sunnydale.
Buffy: Yea, right.
Dave: Ok, then you’re about to get electrified!
Buffy: Oh god, my Prada boots!

Dave: I won’t do it again.
Moloch: You won’t have to once the project’s complete.
Dave: But it’s obscene! It’s crazy!
Moloch: But I’ve shown you a world, you need to do this for me!
Dave: But I can’t. I mean, bungee jumping is so dangerous a sport.
Moloch: B- bungee jumping?
Dave: Yea, what were you talking about?
Moloch: Oh... nothing. Hey! Look at Fritz glaring behind you!

Buffy: Well I found Dave hanging around the computer lab.
Xander: God, that is the lamest pun ever! Why'd you let this guy write a five-minute Buffy, again?
Kelonzi: Two words: I don't have this episode on tape.
Xander: That's not tw---
Kelonzi: Don't you start.

Giles: Well I think I found Moloch.
Buffy: Where?
Giles: He’s probably in the computer.
Xander: So how do we get rid of him?
Buffy: Let’s try deleting a file.
Xander: Probably won’t work, we’ve still got about 20 minutes left in the show.
Moloch: Leave Willow Alone!
Buffy: Wow, Microsoft has really stepped up their error messages.

Willow: Mom? Dad?
Clearly-not-AOL-voice: You HAVE Mail. I didn’t say got mail, HAVE mail.
Willow: God, did I really tie up the phone so long? And I don’t even remember logging on, and-
Voice: Just roll with it, woman. Plot holes are there for Joss Whedon’s convenience.

Buffy: Ok, we go to CRD and most likely get killed; you stay here and work on exorcizing the computer with Ms. Calendar
Giles: But I hate that woman!
Buffy: You’ll get lucky with her next season!
Giles: *pause* Ta ta, have fun getting killed.

Robo-Moloch: Hey Willow.
Willow: Eeeee! You’re my boyfriend?
Robo-Moloch: Yup.
Willow: Well at least you’re not Steve Case!
Moloch: No kidding, then I’d never be able to logon to my systems.

Buffy: Here we are, trapped in a hallway, gas leaking in…. Why couldn’t I have been the Chosen One for skiing?

Robo-Moloch: I love you Willow!
Willow: I don’t think so!
*Robo-Moloch appears to power down*
Willow: Well that was easy…
Robo-Moloch: FOOLED YOU! Man, that’s the oldest trick in the book! I can’t believe you fell for that! Wait, what the-? YAAARRRRRRRRRRRGH!
Willow: Giles’ spell must be working!
Robo-Moloch: No, I logged onto the Bee Gee’s website!

Buffy: Here I come to save the day! *CLANG* Ow!

Robo-Moloch: Klaatu! Barata! Nikto!
Willow: Remember me? Let’s break up! *goes postal with a fire extinguisher*
Vince MacMahon: Hey Willow, why don’t you come work for me!

*Robo-Moloch stops moving*
Buffy: Wow, good thing he was using Windows ’98!
Robo-Moloch: I’ll be back!
Buffy: No you won’t! Five seasons later and not even a peep. And just to be sure… *electrocutes Moloch*

Buffy: Well let’s face it; we’ll never date normally. I mean, I’ll probably do something like boff two vampires who both go incredibly evil, one guy in college who will never talk to me again, and Riley, who’ll SO not be a major conquest.
Xander: And I’ll probably sleep with giant bugs, mummies, an evil Slayer.. and I might just leave my significant other at the alter just to top it all off.
Willow: Yea. I mean, I’ll probably get involved with a werewolf or some wacky stuff like that. It’s almost enough to swear off boys entirely.
Joss: Hmmmmmmm…

(The little Grr! Argh! Demon zips across the screen, surfing on top of a Bookmobile)