-----
TEACHER'S PET -----
Season 1, Episode 4
Guest Fiver by Dave
*Girl screams as vampire enters the Bronze, Buffy
begins to punch*
Buffy: Hey Xander, OOF, nice dream sequence!
Xander: Wha, how did you know that thi---
Buffy: This is the first vampire in the series I havent
totally wailed on, yet you can down him in two punches.
Xander: Good call, now if youll excuse me, I need to
channel Jimi Hendrix
Buffy: Actually you need to wake up. You're slobbering all
over your desk.
Dr. Gregory: Now, Im going to pick on someone to embarrass
with a question.
Buffy: Willow, help me out! Hes going to pick me!
Willow: How do you know?
Buffy: Cuz the show is Buffy The Vampire Slayer, not
Willow The Wacky Wicca, Im the protagonist!
Help me out by miming answers or something.
Dr. Gregory: Ms. Summers, how does the North American Hissing
Cockroach mate?
Willow: Uhm... *gulp*
Dr. Gregory: You know Buffy, if you just applied yourself, you
could do great things at this school.
Buffy: Youre showing compassion. On this series.
To me. That means youre toast, extra boy.
Mantis: Works for me! *GOWARF*
Angel: Big Fork Guy is coming.
Buffy: Eh, at least its not Attack Of The 40-foot
Cordelia.
Xander: Holy gha- is that the new substitute teacher?
Buffy: Given the drum-laden model-walkway-esque music thats
filling the air, Im gonna have to say yes.
Buffy: Oooh, look, obvious clue to someones demise.
Willow: Mmmaybe the janitor left them on the ground because of a
massive janitor strike?
Buffy: Optimistic much?
Willow: Give us a break, already! Its only the first
season.
Miss French: Blah blah blah Praying Mantis, blah blah blah Mantis
blah blah.
Buffy: Shes a bit big on the mantis.
Willow: Ya think?
Buffy: Gee I wonder what this episodes major plot-twist is
gonna be, its not obvious at all.
Cordelia: AAAHHH, Dr. Gregory without his head! And this is my
only scene in this fiver! WAAAAHHHH!
Willow: Doesnt the praying mantis decapitate it's
prey?
Buffy: Nope, not obvious at all.
*Big Fork Guy runs up to Miss French, then runs away*
Buffy: Ooooh, look over there! Away from the obvious plot. AWAY!
*Buffy peaks into the classroom*
Miss French: *spinning head* Your mother sucke---
Buffy: NO! Theres already an exorcist reference in the
show, we cant do it here.
Random guy passing by: Hey, cant the praying mantis
rotate its he-
Buffy: SHUT UP.
*Miss French chows down on a cricket sandwich*
Buffy: Alright, we get the friggin point already!
AWAY obvious plot! AWAY!
Willow: Hey, the marks on Dr. Gregorys neck match mantis
teeth exactly!
Buffy: Obvious plot, didnt you hear what I just said?
Obvious K. Plot, would you please go now?
Dr. Suesss estate: *Attempts to sue 5MB*
Miss French: Would you like a martini, Xander?
Xander: Shaken no-
Dave (the author): NO!!!! Im not gonna do a joke as obvious
as that!
Kel (the 5MB site mommy): Awwww....
Xander: What a large, serrated hand you have.
Miss French: The better to imprison you with my dear.
Xander: My what large, nibbly teeth you have.
Miss French: The better to bite your head off, my dear.
Xander: What large, jumbly, gravity-scoffing boobies you have.
Miss French: The better to seduce you with, my dear.
Xander:
You know, for a minute it sounded like there
was going to be a downside, but damn if I can see it now.
Buffy: Lets kick down Miss Frenchs door!
Old Miss French: *aiming a gun at Buffys head* Freeze
motherf***a, you move and Ill blow your friggin head
off!
Giles: Clearly, Charlton Heston is having a bad effect on the
elderly.
Miss French: *starts laying eggs*
Xander: I distinctly ordered a short stack, not eggs.
Audience: Ewwwww.
BFG: If I tell you where she lives, and promise not to hurt you,
will you not stake me?
Buffy: Yes.
BFG: There! Now.... Haha! I was lying!
Buffy: Me too. *stake, poof.*
Miss French: Im gonna kill you!
Buffy: Oh please, Im the title character.
Miss French: Uhm... well, I could.... errrr... Oh yeah. *sigh*
CRAP! GAK.
Blaine: Now why do I have to be the stereotypical jock guy and
also a virgin?
Joss: Because people like you made my high school life a living
hell and I wanted to try to emasculate you on national TV.
Blaine: Well I was in this whole episode, why am I only in this
scene?
Dave: Because people like you made my high school life a
living hell. So HA!
Buffy: Well Angel, you can have your jacket back. *flirt, flirt*
Angel: Keep it, it looks better on you. *flirt, flirt*
Costumer: Um, you better give it back to us! And if you think I'M
flirting, you're nuts!
Other creepy teacher: BWAH hahahaha, I own you all now!
Buffy: Is it too late for the other substitute to come back? I
like the mantis lady.
Eggsack: Hahaha, you missed me, now I shall rule the world!
Janitor: Dum de dum de dum *starts spraying*
Eggsack: Wha? RAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIID
The little Grr Argh! Demon drives across the screen in the exterminators truck from Men In Black.