Not all of the great heroes were deified, and a lot were a lot of fun. Thanks to Homer, we have psychologically realistic heroes dating back to c. 800 BCE. So...let's figure out what some of our favorite Achians and Trojans would be doing today.
Achilles: After being raised as the pampered only child of two wealthy parents (he got a new sports car for his 16th birthday), he went on to medical school to get an MD PhD. He proceeds be snippy to anyone without either an MD or a PhD, feeling that they are rather inferior. He also claims that MDs are not "real" doctors and feels that only medical research could truly utilize his unique talents. He practices classical piano, and thinks that any other sort of piano is "amateurish". Enjoys getting into debates with liberal arts majors and proving that he knows more about history, philosophy, etc. than they do. Achilles likes to claim that we can know nothing, and periodically drives himself crazy with this question.
Agamemnon: Lives a paranoid life as the head of a major company. He perpetually fears that someone...someone...someone will attempt to take his place, and thus fights with all his might to retain his position. He continually attempts to take over smaller companies so that he can expand his "empire". He dies of a heart attack at age 55 when he sees his neglected wife in bed with a young man who looks like an action figure.
Ajax: Never feels that he quite lives up to his cousin Achilles, and has typical middle child syndrome, even though he's not the middle child. Big, strong, quiet, sensitive, reliable. He eventually marries a nice woman and lives as an engineer of sorts in suburbia. He never does manage to do as well as Achilles who does so well at everything in material terms, but does live a happy, contented life. He only differs from the norm in that he cannot stand the idea that there is a god of some sort and thus, as an atheist, does not work well with his fundamentalist Christian neighbors. However, his mild temperment manages to make things work well despite this (in the neighbors' eyes) flaw.
Antilochus: Whines consistently about being the baby of the family and how he is never allowed to do anything when he is young. Later, goes on to be a junior executive at Agamemnon's company. He dies in a tragic plane crash at an early age.
Clytemnestra: While in college, becomes engaged to the suave Agamemnon. She is greatly impressed by his determination, and marries him and helps him climb to the top. When he consistently deserts her for younger bimbos, and even abandons her while their oldest daughter lays dying, she ditches him completely and starts sleeping with men who are young enough to be her sons.
Diomedes: Bounces around a lot and manages to go into middle managment where he is considered a "dynamic part of the team framework".
Electra: After living a life where she is virtually ignored by both of her parents, Electra goes on to decide that nothing will stop her from getting exactly what she wants. An angry woman, Electra leads several women's rights marches, and finally dies at an old age having accomplished very little.
Helen: Models when she's young to make extra money, but finds that not a suitable outlet for her talents. Eventually she beings to make movies. She is known, throughout her life, as one of the most beautiful, romantic, and mysterious women of the world. She never states her feelings on this statement.
Hermione: Though as beatiful as her mother Helen, she always lacks something of the same aura of mysery that Helen had. She decides to marry Neoptolemous, but leaves him once she realizes that he's having an affair. She runs away with Orestes, and lives as a happy, wealthy wife who continually flaunts her position.
Iphegenia: She decides at a young age that she will save the world. In her late teens, she goes to India to try to save the poor. She contracts antibiotic immune TB there and returns home to die a martyr.
Menelaus: Feels ignored for his entire life by his parents as Agamemnon gets all of the attention. He does manage to marry well, however, to an ex-model named Helena. He dotes on the woman, even though she blatently runs around with other men behind his back. If he does realize that she does this, he forgives her completely. He's fairly content in his life as the husband of Helena and a vice president in Agamemnon's company. He periodically wonders why he ended up being as lucky as he was to get all that he has, and secretly believes that all he deserves is to be in middle management with a fairly typical looking and behaving wife. He would probably be happier if his life went that way.
Neoptolemous: Never really does manage to imitate his father, Achilles. He spends most of his life trying to be as good, but fails. As a result he has much anger. He eventually does make it into medical school, before he dies in a bar room brawl.
Nestor: Though people realize, logically, that he must have at one time been young, no one really believes this. He continually goes into long stories about how when he was young, children knew how to behave, and the world had *real* heroes, etc. He also tells old war stories about WWII where he discusses all sorts of things of dubious truthfulness.
Odysseus: Odysseus manages to make his life out of figuring out what makes other people do what he wants. He convinces people, through commercials, to buy whatever product he wants them to buy, even though he, personally, doesn't care what it is. He eventually is recruited for a propaganda campaign during a war where he convinces his country that the war they are fighting against starving women and children is a religious crusade. People believe him, afterall, they used to storm toy stores in order to get the newest toys that he promoted like "Cabbage Patch Kids", "Tickle Me Elmos", and "Furbys".
Orestes: Never quite knows what he's supposed to do or where he's going. Eventually manages to find a job as a part of his father's company more from the virtue of birth than anything else. He is constantly haunted by fears of failure.
Patroclus: Spends most of high school and the first four years of college with his best friend Achilles attempting to calm Achilles down so that he doesn't hurt himself with his 20 unit of purely math and science classes schedule. Eventually gives up on this vain persuit when Achilles leaves him for graduate work and marries a nice woman to live in suburbia as a run of the mill engineer.
Aeneas: Believes strongly that God has told him to spread his words around the world. He takes off as a missionary, avoids all temptations of tropical women dressed in very little, and preaches the word of "the one true God" for his entire life, driving everyone around him stark raving mad.
Hector: Hector lives a happy life with his wife and son, in a superconventional suburbia home, while worshiping some very typical form of fundamentalist Christianity and never questioning anything.
Penthesilea: Penthesilea, like Achilles, becomes a MD PhD to practice medical research. She continually fights for women and believes strongly that they are not represented equally either in research or even when they go into hospitals as patients. She competes viciously with Achilles and practically kills herself when he wins a nobel prize for medicine. When, the next year, she wins her own Nobel for discovering the cure for cancer, she flaunts it for about a month before going home and being very bored.
Cassandra: Cassandra works in a company as an executive. Though no one knows what she is supposed to be doing, she spends huge amounts of time pointing out things that will absolutely not work, like garlic flavored breathmints, cars with solid wheels, etc. People rarely listen to her, and she would secretly gloat when these products are not big sellers except that they cost her beloved company huge amounts of money.
Andromache: Manages to live with Hector in the perfectly conventional world where he lives. She's not real exciting, needless to say.
Polyxena: The beautiful girl shows great promise. Everyone is amazed by her beauty, grace, politeness, bravery, etc...until she reaches high school. The brat then begins to run off with older men, do drugs, etc. until her parents were rather wishing that they'd allowed Achilles and Penthesilea to run lethal tests on her.
Hecuba: Lives a difficult life where her only pride and joy is her well behaved, although boring, son Hector. Hey, wouldn't Polyxena, Cassandra, Hector, and Paris (not to mention 48 other sons and 48 other daughters) be enough to make any woman's life difficult?
Paris: Never does manage to think of anything other than girls, girls, and maybe a few more girls. Eventually even his friends begin to find him boring as, at least they, have interests other than, uh, girls. When he finally makes it to forty, he becomes very depressed realizing that the "girls" are now young enough to be his daughters and will have nothing to do with him anymore.
Memnon: Manages to rise to the top of a company and be featured
in all sorts of magazines such as the greatest black business man of the
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