"I tried to find him on the Christian cross, but He was not there; I went to the Temple of the Hindus and to the old pagodas, but I could not find a trace of him anywhere.
I searched on the mountains and in the valleys but neither in the heights nor in the depths was I able to find Him. I went to the Caaba in Mecca, but He was not there either.
I questioned the scholars and philosophers but He was beyond their understanding.
I then looked into my heart and it was there where He dwelled that I saw Him; He was nowhere else to be found."
Jelaluddin Rumi
for me, i don't know what to say about the question or quest for religion,
or even to define who "He" is.
but i have questioned why i live, why my life must be so short and
what i am here to be or do and why, and where will i go or be when it is
all done...when i was seven or so, i suddenly was overcome with an incredible
sadness for the life i was about to live. i knew i had only started but
that it would only be a speck, virtually nothing, on the infinite. i saw
myself then and at ninety, still crying for time. at ten i was perfect
and sixteen i was perfect, and never growing old.
at twenty i cried again for myself at ninety and could not dream or
sleep. i was so afraid to live knowing i was dying. i watched myself live
my life but there was no attachment between us.
all that time i cried from a fathomless hole in my being that wouldn't
go away. but at some point it did go, i don't know how..maybe it was
the support from my friends, maybe it was rationalization that i wouldn't
die any faster than anyone else and that others lived and died before me.
the world became safe again, i wasn't going to die in the night. sometimes
i would remember my dreams, dreams about houses and elevators and pools
and i was shown pain and couldn't look at it. (i still refuse to see people
suffering, it's too hard..i don't understand this) one day i knew i was
peeling away from the old me (again?) and i stopped crying from that well-hole,
and when i did cry it was for love's overwhelming. in the not-too-distance,
i saw myself in the way that was beautiful to me, and in the mirror i made
myself promise me that i would love me. a few things happened to me that
i find hard to explain but some would say i saw a vision, an angel or guide,
guardian.. in any case i was not asleep nor was i day-dreaming. i felt/saw
the face above me to my right in the south-east of my bedroom. i felt my
heart break open and the face was smiling at me with the most beautiful
smile i have ever seen or felt in my whole life. this vision/angel loved
me more than anything ever could or had before and i felt so much comfort
and support, that i gave way all my sadness and was at peace within the
feeling. then the angel tickled me and i started to laugh and the joy of
a child filled me completely and i was so overcome with happiness and then
the angel related a feeling of understanding and empathy that i had felt
alone and that this would prove that i was not alone and that i was loved
and supported by "Him" and all i could do was know *yes* i was loved and
supported always and was left there with that happy memory as the smile
slowly faded away. so many things have happened since, and always i remember
the angel whom i've come to know as "Paul". when i feel despair creeping
in i think of Paul carrying me away or enveloping me and supporting me.
the ground constantly falls away, lines begin to blur and fade, thoughts
sublimate and tears fall.
but i know my life is still changing, i am closer to my true self
and the part of me that is Paul.