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9. the search

"I tried to find him on the Christian cross, but He was not there;  I went to the Temple of the Hindus and to the old pagodas, but I could not find a trace of him anywhere.

I searched on the mountains and in the valleys but neither in the heights nor in the depths was I able to find Him. I went to the Caaba in Mecca, but He was not there either.

I questioned the scholars and philosophers but He was beyond their understanding.

I then looked into my heart and it was there where He dwelled that I saw Him; He was nowhere else to be found."

Jelaluddin Rumi

for me, i don't know what to say about the question or quest for religion, or even to define who "He" is.
but i have questioned why i live, why my life must be so short and what i am here to be or do and why, and where will i go or be when it is all done...when i was seven or so, i suddenly was overcome with an incredible sadness for the life i was about to live. i knew i had only started but that it would only be a speck, virtually nothing, on the infinite. i saw myself then and at ninety, still crying for time. at ten i was perfect and sixteen i was perfect, and never growing old.
at twenty i cried again for myself at ninety and could not dream or sleep. i was so afraid to live knowing i was dying. i watched myself live my life but there was no attachment between us.
all that time i cried from a fathomless hole in my being that wouldn't go away. but at some point it did go, i don't know how..maybe it was  the support from my friends, maybe it was rationalization that i wouldn't die any faster than anyone else and that others lived and died before me. the world became safe again, i wasn't going to die in the night. sometimes i would remember my dreams, dreams about houses and elevators and pools and i was shown pain and couldn't look at it. (i still refuse to see people suffering, it's too hard..i don't understand this) one day i knew i was peeling away from the old me (again?) and i stopped crying from that well-hole, and when i did cry it was for love's overwhelming. in the not-too-distance, i saw myself in the way that was beautiful to me, and in the mirror i made myself promise me that i would love me. a few things happened to me that i find hard to explain but some would say i saw a vision, an angel or guide, guardian.. in any case i was not asleep nor was i day-dreaming. i felt/saw the face above me to my right in the south-east of my bedroom. i felt my heart break open and the face was smiling at me with the most beautiful smile i have ever seen or felt in my whole life. this vision/angel loved me more than anything ever could or had before and i felt so much comfort and support, that i gave way all my sadness and was at peace within the feeling. then the angel tickled me and i started to laugh and the joy of a child filled me completely and i was so overcome with happiness and then the angel related a feeling of understanding and empathy that i had felt alone and that this would prove that i was not alone and that i was loved and supported by "Him" and all i could do was know *yes* i was loved and supported always and was left there with that happy memory as the smile slowly faded away. so many things have happened since, and always i remember the angel whom i've come to know as  "Paul". when i feel despair creeping in i think of Paul carrying me away or enveloping me and supporting me.

the ground constantly falls away, lines begin to blur and fade, thoughts sublimate and tears fall.
but i know my life is still changing, i am closer to my true self and the part of me that is Paul.