"being alone and liking it is, for a woman, an act of treachery, an infidelity far more threatening than adultery." -molly haskell
"what a commentary on our civilization. when being alone is considered
suspect; when one has to apologize for it, make excuses, hide the fact
that one practices it- like a secret vice!"
-anne morrow lindbergh
i'm growing to love being a single mother. you can go wherever
you want to go, stay however long you want to stay, sleep however much
you like to sleep, eat whatever and however much you like to eat and meet
whomever you like to meet. when i take my daughter out for a walk in her
stroller, people always open the door for me, ask me if i need help carrying
things and compliment me. people always look at me- most smile, our eyes
meet and those who admire me look longer. why do people help me? is it
because they think i'm a weak person or a nice person? i can carry my daughter
in her stroller, plus a packed back-pack up the stairs to my second-floor
apartment by myself, all the while weilding various keys, mail etc. no
problem. if someone sees me do this they are shocked and amazed. nevermind
that the best training one can go through is to have a child. first your
body rids itself of all its toxins by means of morning sickness, your doctor
prescribes you the best vitamins money can afford, then day by day, month
by month, you put on the pounds. gradually, you work yourself up to carrying
40 lbs or so extra weight than you normally carry, up the stairs, through
the house, through the mall's baby sections and maternity shops, and to
the bathroom where you end up doing yet another leg-strengthening squat.
by the time the baby is born you're strong enough to carry it for another
three years, all the while your baby is slowly growing into a child. and
people feel perplexed about this.
today i went to the library, got out a few thick novels, a movie- gideon
fell asleep in her stroller. then i went to the coffee shop and went upstairs
where there is a casual layout of futons and wodden crate tables and french
doors that look out onto the neighbouring park. i ordered a specialty coffee
and an orange juice. i lay my sleeping daughter onto the futon beside me
and loosened her outside clothing. then i pulled out one of my books and
commenced to read. inside i felt supreme. the slightly upbeat jazz music
and the scattered individuals, who were keenly interested in me at about
that time while maintaining their slightly uninterested poses, made for
great atmosphere. after a few sips of coffee, gideon woke and lit up when
she realized where we were. after she had a bit of juice she was released
onto the floor to inspect her surroundings. i am never more delighted by
her when she walks up to people and melts them into adoring slave-puffs,
who ask the obligatory "how old is she?" and then give the obligatory "she
is [adorable]" compliment which forces me, willingly, to beam with pride.
she runs around the room tapping tea spoons on everything. i wouldn't have
it any other way. i give my internal self a swift kick for ever having
thought for one moment that i should have called up someone to share the
moment with. what the hell was i thinking? presently, the thought leaves
as soon as it entered my mind and i go back to my contented feeling, realizing
i don't have a schedule to conform to except that of the stomach. so, i
pack up my miniature lady and proceed past two women sipping coffee and
gossiping, all the while keeping me in their peripheral. one offers me
assistance down the stairs. i politely refuse while i gather up the stroller
and backpack with one arm, baby in the other. no, i'm not too proud- i'm
just capable. i walk on, towards the back of the shop where, and not many
people know this, there is an elevator. sly, clever girl that i am. i walk
home from there, after dipping briskly into an art gallery, feeling quite
cultivated.