This page is a personal journal. I may at times ramble on and re-hash the past...but I feel it will..... in time.... let you know me better. There are links at the bottom of other periods in my life......sweet wishes......
I was raised by a father who had a drinking problem and was what I called a control freak (ok..so this is only my opinion and may not be shared by anyone else in the family). He wanted his family to be the perfect little family but in fact we could never raise up to his expectations.
My father also lived by the rule of never sparing the rod...or in his case it was his military belt with the buckle at the flying end.
I have always wanted my mother to leave my father but she was tied up in the co-dependent roll (which I found myself in with my first marriage...) so history repeats itself..... and I have found that because of that I can understand why my mother did what she did.
We have just learned to survive it all and found happiness outside of the house..and where we could. My father...like us all are in many ways a product of his up-bringing etc...so in some way I can understand why he was the way he was..but it doesn't excuse it.
Maybe sometime down the road I may go into finer details about my childhood....but not at this time. Most times when I look back at my childhood I would remember the good times. I used to love to roam the hill-tops of my home. I laid in the tall grasses and dream with the floating clouds. Afternoons I could be spending going to the local swimming pool and getting sunburnt....the movie theater afternoon shows at 35 cents a movie with my hand coated with butter and my face glued to the screen as I imagined I was part of the movie. I was a dreamer then in many ways...and still am so some degree.
Evenings may find me sitting on the street corner under the street light..... playing a game of hearts or rummy with my childhood friends...or camping out in the backyard telling ghost stories with a flashlight under my chin.
My sister and I were never close growing up. With the years we have learned how better to be sisters, but it was a very long time in coming and still at times strained. This may mainly be to the idea that we are totally different in personalities.
My younger brother was the "wanted child". My father wanted a son to do what is called...carry on the family name. My whole growing up years it was impressed upon me how it was acceptiable to have my sister being born first...but I was a dissapointment in that I was not born as a boy. My mother produced the wanted child (son) over seven years after my birth...and from what I heard she was not planning to have a third child....not that she regrets it...it just wasn't planned.
Needless to say...my brother was treated differently then the rest of us, at least I thought so. Yet when he went through his rebellion (we all go through as a teen...) he then felt the ire we have felt all our growing up years. I doubt he will understand ....for his perspective is different from ours...but I imagine his life was no picnic either...just different from mine.
Life during my childhood, growing up at home, boiled down to just staying out of everyones way....blend into the woodwork and maybe you can have a day with no hassels.
I have always been overweight. I tend to think it is mostly in your genes as to how you turn out. Sure you can work on it etc..but mostly you get what you are born with.
My father hated my weight problem. When we would go to company picnics he would introduce my brother and sister but I was ignored...guess he was just too ashamed to admit I was his child. This hurt a lot.
At meals when I was a child he would pick on my food plate and take things from it with the comment that I didn't need that or this. I found myself not eatting at meals very much. Hunger might find me raiding the fridge late at night when all was asleep...but mostly I just went hungry. I found it interesting that everyone would eat more then I, yet I was the one with a weight problem...go figure.
Needless to say my wanting to leave home was instilled young in my life. I ran away from home when I was a young teen and was returned a few days later. My mother at the time decided to teach me a lesson and had me thrown into the local county jail for a week. All this taught me was to want to leave more so. My father was away in Vietnam at the time...so I imagine the event would have turned out differently if he was home...the belt would have gotten a work out I am sure.
I found that I never fit in at school. A part of the problem was because I had to make my own clothes at an early age. I was made fun of at school for my frumpy clothing and my overweight. I found that there were others like me who were on the outside looking in...and I skipped school a lot to hang out with them.
My life took a bad turn in my later teen years. I found myself kicked out of school...my parents then moved out of state, leaving me behind...and soon I became homeless. Life was not pretty at this point. After a period of time trying to make it, I found I had no choice but to suck-up my pride and ask to return home.
My father be-grudgingly let me back home and I finished high school. I then obtained a job but all the money I earned my father decided was to be paid for rent...food...etc...etc..to stay at home.
At my job I met my first husband. He was what I thought a way out of the situation I was in at the time. So...I married him. Turned out I jumped from the frying pan into the fire when I did.
My family moved again leaving me alone with my new husband and the life I was making for myself. He turned out to be just like my father in many ways.....except he didn't have an alchol problem to blame for his cruelity. I have started to lead the life my poor mother had lead.
That marriage lasted for twenty years....twenty years of loneliness...hurt and sorrow. I found myself becoming more and more homebound and fearfull of the outside world. For you see...I was being told I was stupid..ugly...worthless...etc..etc..by the man who married me and said he loved me.
The good thing that came out of those years was my son. He was a joy to me and gave me reason to live when otherwise I would have taken my life long before.
He also gave me the biggest regret of my life. For you see....I had thought over the years that I was the one who took the brunt of the abuse from my husband....and later found out that my son was suffering in private. I blame myself so much for not leaving my first husband. To this day I wish I had done differently. Yet...we are a product of our lives...and mybe many things was meant to be for a reason I have come to feel.
I have found that the hard years I lived through made me look inside of myself for the answers to why life was the way it was. I found a deep spiritual sense and understanding. I am thankful for this fact.
After my divorce from my first husband I found myself lost and scared of life. I was reaching out for a man to give me a sense of meaning to my life...etc..when I should have been trying to find happiness within myself..
I started to date men who were abusive and users. I was falling into the same pattern again....until Michael came along.
Michael was a man I found hard to understand and to feel comfortable with....for you see...he was a kind person. This in some ways scared me and I didn't trust this type of person. He was so alien to what I was raised with and was used to.
The silly guy somehow saw something in me that made him want to stick around. I pushed him away so much in the beginning...he was so young...so kindhearted...and so pure of spirit. What was I to do with him?(giggle)
In time I found that I could love this strange man who was good to me...and yes in time I was starting to enjoy his attention. The silly man thinks I am beautiful....imagine that!
You can understand why I feel he is my reward in life for all the bad that has happened to me in the past. I find that with each and every day I love this dear man more and more. I am one lucky gal!
Note:
Links are listed at the bottom of this site for other journal pages of mine.
|
Please help support the 'Adopt A Guardian Angel' program. By doing so you are virtually taking the hand of a neighbor and joining us in creating a never ending circle around the world that will empower us to stand up and be the voice for all children of this planet! Show them we care enough to make a difference. In reality, by displaying this link back to our site you are helping us to meet our goal of creating awareness, education, recognition, prevention and intervention and that is the first real step towards breaking the cycle of abuse and stopping all forms of maltreatment! |
Augustina Marie |
|---|
Links
To My Main Web Start Page
Childhood Years Journal
My Early Teen Years Journal
My Late Teen Years Journal
My Early Adult Years Journal
My First Marriage
