Peace and tranquility...freedom, serenity, understanding....and unconditional love! These are the things that my dreams are made of! The simple things! The things that are the most difficult to possess, because they do not carry a price tag to be purchased in our "disposable" world! They cannot be bartered, demanded, or coersed! They are created in a rhelm beyond this one! That elusive longing that so many hope for, but few find!
I have awakened from a very long sleep...and I have reached a cross-roads! Life is peaceful and comforting as I manage to by-pass the controllers, the manipulators, the indifferent, and the self-absorbed that abound. I am grateful for the progress.
My arrival on this earth came on Wednesday evening, February 11, 1948. I was the first child of two very youthful parents....much too young for the responsibility that they created together. Their marriage failed before I celebrated my second birthday. That began a series of repeated failed relationships for my Mother; while my father seemed to have a more stable personality! He remarried, and has remained in that relationship which added two more daughters for him! They were not family that I would come to know very well over the years, and I always felt that was unfortunate!
Soon after the departure of my father, my bonding with my Grandparents became the ultimate in my very young life! I was very close to both of them! However my Grandmother had the most active influence on my life. She was a "piece of work"....and I adored her! She was my protector, my provider, my disciplinarian...my mentor! She grounded me with an intense sense of right and wrong...and made sure that I had a good foundation for life's journey! She taught me the ways of my heritage, as best she knew them. She instilled pride in me, but discouraged false pride for any reason! She was a feisty woman who stood about five feet, two inches tall. She was a dynamo of sheer fortitude...and I loved her!
My Grandfather was a truly unique man! Some would say "odd"! I loved his oddness! He was my first "buddy", and we got into a great deal of mischief together! He was a farm boy from Indiana that had come to the big city, yet wasn't happy with city life! He was a quiet man. When he laughed it came from deep within, and his laughter would nearly shake the house! He was happiest when he was on horseback, and from an early age he took me with him to ride! I learned my love of horses from him, and we shared that throughout his lifetime! We also shared our birthdays together for many years! I was born on the same day some forty years his junior. He was a special man in my life, and I miss him! He taught me things that he felt were useful! He always told me..."don't be a prissy girl!" Translation: don't be helpless and useless. My Grandfather gave me the gift of resourcefulness, and I am eternally grateful to him for that!
I grew, and progressed through all the usual childhood stages, as does anyone! However, I realized at an early age that my life was to be very different from those of my peers. There were constant entrances, and exits, of what might be viewed as authority figures. Some were disturbing losses...others a blessing! Their influence did, however, round out my life in a way that few people have experienced! I have lived all over this country...and feel the better for it! I was a "Navy Brat" for a time...and played the part very well! It was an adventure for me...and for the most part I loved it! There were many moves to adjust to then (and throughout my life). I seemed able to take them in my stride! Life was full of adventures for me...always.
My first sister arrived when I was nearly five (just after Christmas). I was thrilled beyond belief to have a baby sister! Some eight years later, my second sister arrived...again I was thrilled! Unfortunately, I was not privileged to share too much of childhood with my sister that is closest to my age. The loss for me was always painfully lonely. My youngest sister and I fared a bit better, however I am twelve years older than she, which created quite a gap in our sharing of childhood. When she was into "toys", I was into dating "boys"...definately a gap! We three sisters are uniquely different people, yet our differences and circumstances have not diminished our love for one another...ever!
After graduation, I ventured out into the work place! A new adventure at my doorstep and, I have gained some wonderful experience from the variety of jobs that I have held! My schooling, interests, and proper training found me in the Graphic Arts Field where I have pretty much remained! I have worked in several different areas of Graphic Arts and always found terrific people in this line of work...I have always loved it. I married in the early seventies...a lapse in judgement on my part, or youthful miscalculation perhaps. Sadly the marriage was dissolved in the mid-nineties. It's was time to begin anew...regardless of how difficult that was. My ex-husband and I were both in an out of "sync", unhappy relationship that had no solutions other than divorce.
From that union, came two wonderful off-spring...now in young adulthood. My first born is a delightful young man...and my friend. He and I have had our disputes, but by in large, we have a special relationship that is difficult for me to put into words for strangers. I simply adore him...all his foibles, and all his triumphs. We share a wacky sense of humor that is often misunderstood by others, but it is a constant source of amusement for each of us. We love to laugh at the absurd! My second child is a daughter. She was an adorable youngster, that grew to be a beautiful young woman. She's has been a bit misguided in some of her decision making from time to time...but she is very bright. I trust that she will succeed in her journey through this life, and realize all of her fondest dreams! I wish that for both of my children.
As for my progress...it is moving by leaps and bounds! Totally unexpected, but gratefully accepted. I have allowed myself the time needed for grieving since my divorce. It was time well spent. I had great expectations of not repeating generational errors. I failed. However, I have finally come to accept that I did not fail as a person...but rather...I failed as a participant. I can live with that notion.
I have come to know so many things that were not very clear to me for a long time! I have learned to make better choices in my personal life recently...although the process seemed a bit stalled at times. I have a deep love, and abiding gratitude for those who always walk with me through all of life's circumstances. A major phase has closed and a new phase has begun...I am embracing it warmly. I seek only the positive aspects for my future, and leave the negative ones to their own devices. For me, that is extremely liberating, wise, and beneficial for the years ahead. It occurs to me that I am closer to achieving peace, tranquility, freedom, serenity, and understanding than ever before. The unconditional love has always been there...and I am grateful to those who give it freely. I hope that I return that quality of love to each and every one of them...always.
I am at peace and I celebrate!