November 1, 2003
"Are you married?", "why don't you get married?" , " when will you get married?" , " you should get married " , and on and on and on. suddenly the focus is on marriage right now and somehow and for some strange reason i get that question . I would understand it if it came from close friends or relatives who know my situation but when meeting other old friends that is the first thing they ask, marriage, why??? I keep thinking so much of a cousin of mine who lives in Iran and he is sort of a look alike to me. He is older than me but all his younger brothers who are older than me also , got married before him and he eventually got married two years ago in his mid 30s and i keep thinking that maybe that is what is going to happen o me as we are alike and i mean alike by looks only. for years and years from watching movies and TVs and reading books and stories , what i got from the whole thing is that there should be love before. not necessarily . there shouldn't be any love and love does come after marriage for anyone who disbelieve that, there are a world that lives like that. respect is the key. once there is respect and once there is acceptance from both to share a live , then comes love slowly. of coarse in some cases , love does play part of the who equation and it is undeniable. when it is there then that is it but if it isn't there then live can still go on . part of me still rejects the idea of going to my parents and asking them to find me a girl. another part of me says that i have to face the truth t some point and go on with my life. the problem is , even if i thought about it now, i can't. with everything that is going on around me and in my life now and the so many decisions that i have to make, getting married is somehow the bottom of the list unless i want to throw myself and my future wife in a troublesome start. they do say marriage is a blessing and it brings good luck and fortune to people who are truly trying to live and do their best but there are (to my opinion ) a difference of having a blessing and making a decision to be in trouble as if it is not enough what i am going through. Maybe i can't explain it to people around me but all that i am wishing for is for others to be more considerate and not ask (are you married yet, then when?).....it hurts.
November 4, 2003
Mornings are so beautiful and peaceful. I mean the early hours of the morning just before sunrise when it is so quite that at some points I wish it just stay like that all the time. with all that it hides, night time seems to be the favorite time for a lot of people to go out and have fun . Last night was the first night that i go out in Ramadan and it was a nice change. One of my friends came over and we went to a restaurant on the creek side where it was loaded with people . So far apart from work, school and mosques, all i did is set here and do nothing but read or watch TV or simply surf the net . My problem has always been trying to find someone who can share my thoughts and ideas but i can't find any .I have become so conscious about going to places left and right as somehow i see it as a waste of time. it is nice to waste time at some point just to relax but i don't think it is nice to do it all the time. Being in a holly month like this one , we're expected to pray more and devote our time to Allah but the commercial side of it somehow managed to overcome all of this. Tents are being set up by hotels to cater for food and games and drinks and of coarse personal tents are being set up with people setting watching TV and playing cards most of the time till the morning hours and then everyone goes to work in the morning feeling tired and cant work properly as they are fasting. what a thought. I do feel sorry for the way we live now a days. the joys of life has taken over our lives. Two Fridays ago, i was listening to the Friday prayers lecture where the Imam was talking about how our Arab countries has made some kind of a record in buying food in this month more than any other month. A big time spending on food and inviting guests and spending time in eating and drinking. so sad. Few days ago, there was a cartoon in one of the magazines where two cats were inside a garbage drum next to one house and one of the two cats was asking the other ( hey are you sure this is a Locals house? it is almost 8:00 and they didn't throw any food.). that got me laughing so hard as to how true what we do with food here. the funnier thing is , the very next day there was another cartoon with the same cats and one was saying ( how stupid are you to bring us next to a Filipino house?? they wont throw food, but they will have us for food)..what a world. 8 days has already passed and it is flying at the speed of light. it seems that only yesterday it was 2002 and now we are almost 2 months apart from another new year of our lives.
November 6, 2003
Back to life again. God somehow I hate being here without this internet thing. it has become somehow part of life now and somehow even if I don't have anything to do I just set here and do nothing . what a waste of time. Things haven't been going to well and i have been in a depression mood for the past 3 days. No matter how much i try to convince myself to stop thinking of everything and just go on, i just set and keep thinking more and more of my life and what have done so far and what are my plans and bla bla bla. (opps more bla also). The weekend is finally here and instead of relaxing , i have to study for an exam on Saturday and try to finish before the evening time as i will have to go and teach my friends about the exam questions. what kind of a weekend is this. i feel so tired and so bad. My colleague offshore wants to go for about 10 day holiday starting on the first day of Eid and i was so happy to hear that cause that way i can run away in peace for 11 days till he is back. but then again i gave it away to a friend who wanted it because of the overtime he will get. now i have to think of somewhere else to run away. very nice of me right.?.. i keep hitting walls everywhere i walk. one wall is higher than the other and it is hard to climb. maybe it is not but honestly i am tried of even trying anything. I hate everything around, i hate myself more and more every single day and i really wish i have never existed. i mean what is the point of me living in this life. i feel like a thorn that needs to be cut and disposed off for the safety of everyone. what's going to happen if i go away? nothing. few cries and i will be a past. (he was a good guy, he spend all his life being lost) .thank you very much. I really like to be remembered by as the one who always smile no matter what. what about all the tears behind this smile? where would that go and who will know that .i guess some things are better kept unsaid.
Somewhere over the Rainbow blue birds fly, birds fly over the rainbow ,why oh why can't I
November 9, 2003
Today for the second time , I got to hold my new nephew. Every time I see him , he's with his father or mother and I just set and watch but today somehow they felt that I wanted to hold him so my sister brought him to me. Just simply more beautiful than an angel. he didn't last much in my hand as I but him on my legs and he fell asleep. I was very happy to have that moment. Years have past by with hatred between me and my brother but somehow this marriage has lifted everything and now all I want for him is to be happy . Of coarse that sent me back in time and through my life and what have I been going through. how odd. with all of what happened it seems somewhat untrue that everything just disappeared. all the dreams that were there , has vanished and no more. every night passes by and this loneliness growing worst and worst. a friend of mine was joking with me about marriage and saying that he will look for a girl for me and i found myself shouting out loud at him (OH PLEASE).. I am tired of talking to walls , i am tired of talking to myself , i am tired simply of being tired . I want to put a smile on my face but i want it to be from the heart not just a disguise. Life is a roller coaster, and you just have to ride it. going up , then going down and round and round. when is it going to end or stop? what will be at the end of this ride ? more over what has yet to come, cause i know for sure , the way it is going now, it wont be easy. with all of that, funny how the heart works. its just refusing to let go of old dreams and memories. refusing to let go of the one I adore the most. refusing to believe that she wont be around any more. refusing to accept her being out of it. Oh dear heart of mine. should i trust you or not? should i listen to you or not? should i keep part of the flame lit up , just incase she comes back ? should I ? how do you love? how do you feel? how do you hate? how do you cry or laugh? how do you beat so excitedly upon hearing the sound of someone or even simply by thinking of someone? what is your secret ?....
November 11, 2003
They say that laugher is the best medicine. They also say that laughter is the closest way to a person's heart. It is a blessing to know how to laugh. Ever since i can remember , i wanted to be funny. I had a cousin who seems to have a wonderful sense of humor and he always makes us laugh so hard at simple comments. He is one year younger than me but i was really impressed by his style and the effect of laughter on everyone. ever since, i kept watching anything funny and comedy has became my favorite thing. In the beginning it was all Arabic plays that kept us laughing but then again once i managed to understand English , i discovered a whole new world of comedy. I can recall the early days back in 1985 or 86 when there was an English radio program being broadcasted and it was called ( I'm sorry I'll read that again) . I have never ever in my life laughed as hard as i laughed at that program because of the absolute stupidity in it. one by one i was drawn in the world of laughter until i managed to make people around me laugh and that made me feel so happy about myself. I hated seeing anyone frowning or being sad. of coarse as they say nothing lasts forever and at some it was like i lost the magic and i cant be funny as i used to be. it really hurt me badly as i loved being funny. I remember my grandmother was always happy when i was with her and she always kept telling me how i make her laugh even days before she died. I grew up with sort of pain and it all stopped. i don't laugh or joke with my family any more . some how i can't do it around them but i do feel free outside . Tonight i was watching the new movie (scary movie -3) and for the first time in a long time i laughed from my heart. A stupid as it may sound and as stupid as the movie, it really managed to make laugh on and on and on and somehow i do feel grateful for that time that i sat and watched it. it felt as if something heavy has fallen of my shoulders. no worries and no sadness and no nothing, just simple nonsense that managed to grip me. If i ever had the chance maybe i would thank those guys who did that cause they did put a smile on my face or laughter to be exact. really what would we do without it? life , work pain, sorrow , problems , stress , anger , headache and the brighter side of all of that, simple laughter. All i would like to say is thank Allah for it . it is one treasure of many treasures that we have as humans but sadly we don't realize it . in one sketch of the famous Monty Python which made me laugh and laugh is this name which i am still trying to spell....
""Why is it that the world never remembers the name of
Johan Gambolputty de von
Ausfernschpledenschlittcrasscrebonfriediggerdingledangledonglebursteinvonknackerthrasherapplebanger
horowitzticolensicgranderknottyspelltinklegrandlichgrumbelmeyerspellerwasserkurstlichhimbleeisenbhan
wagengutenabenbenbitteeinnurnburgebratwusrtlegerspurtenmitzweimachluberhundsfutgumberaberschonen
dankerkalbsfleischmittlerraucher Von Hauptkopt of Ulm??"
November 13, 2003
And the days go by slowly at times and fast at other. So far i feel that this month has been a blessing for me and i so happy about it . Sadly in 10 days all will be over and it is back to normal life and normal routine. Maybe this way it always keeps it fresh and keeps everyone looking forward to it. life hasn't changed much around me but my ideas of life has begun to change so much. I think i might be coming to a point where i am willing to accept my life the way it is as it might be the way that Allah intended for me so i will just be thankful for what i have and just move on. There are still times when i feel so down to earth and wish things would just end but i am sure that one by one i will be able to control all of that and leave it all behind me. let life do what it wants with me as i know now for sure it wont make much of a difference. I know it wont last forever and the after life is what i will try to win. I don't want o be rich , i don't want to have everything , all i want is a peace of mind and hopefully Allah is happy about me and what i do. I really hope so. for so long , i kept thinking that i want money to make my life better and better , but now nothing matters anymore. how wonderful is the simple life how i long to live it and settle down at some point . I am sure that there is something good ahead. I don't know when and I don't know what and i could be wrong even but it's a nice feeling and i hope i can hold on to it.
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