One more occasion to celebrate in this summer. So far there
have been about 5 or 6 weddings and this is the only engagement. My dearest friend
has finally tied the knot. I don’t know why I am feeling very sad. I am very happy
for him and to be honest so surprised to hear about his MAHR (something of a value
like money, given to the bride) for the girl he is marrying. 500 dirham and the
holy Quran, I mean these days to hear of some one accepting this is like a miracle.
It’s not about money, but it’s mostly about the type of people he is becoming
apart from which are his family. I think his future wife will be so good and I
do wish him all the best in his life. For me, I guess life hasn’t started yet.
I am sure that is the reason why I feel so sad about the whole thing. I mean setting
with all my friends and being the only one who is single still and getting older
by the minute or second. I’ve always thought of myself having the worst of luck
around and I guess I am. After the break up of my relationship I have to admit
that I am so lost now. There are so many mixed feelings about everything. At some
points I want go back and talk to her and others I just want things to be over.
We always hear the thoughts of (if you want something you have to fight for it)
and (if you love someone, set them free)..Where am
I now? Should I let go or should I go on?? How do I know which is which. I love
her and I miss her more and more but it hurts so much to be this far and in this
situation. Who’s to blame and what to do? The Worst of all
who to talk to. So far all I have is this to say all my thoughts. Maybe
it will make it a bit easier but I don’t think so. I wish I have someone around
who can understand what I am going through but sadly there isn’t.
And even if, I don’t know if I will have the strength to talk
about it. Anyway, I guess this is another night of so many lonely nights
to go through and who knows what the future hides.
From spending awful nights to starting
awful mornings also. I got a call from home that my mom is in bad shape
because of hear heart condition so I called an ambulance and shot straight home
where I found the ambulance in front of the house and the medics were already
inside checking her. This is the fourth time she goes with this problem and even
though she seemed alright when I arrived, she was a complete mess when I last
saw her in the ICU.
Another day goes by so meaningless and so not worthy. Some
times I wonder why we are really living cause I am so tired of it but then I think
of all the people who lived or are living and how they survived years and years
of pain and agony so why can’t I do the same. Anyway, mom is doing well and I
am very glad to see her walking normally a little. Why is it hard for elders to
understand that we are trying our best for them? I don’t know why. She’s feeling
scared though and I really wish I can make it better for her but I don’t know
how. She knows she will have to go through an operation and it’s a scary thought
for everyone. A lot of times we hear about these operations and we tend to think
it will never happen to us but think again. We are like any normal humans.
Yesterday I got an email from my love
,a song. I didn’t know exactly what to reply to her. There is so much that
I want to say even I feel sometimes I want to shout at her but then again as we
broke up why bring the heartache more and more. No matter how much I shout to
her that I love her, she will doubt it. Her love is bigger and stronger and higher
and better but I am always on the down side. I have to admit that I want her back
so badly but the problem is that I can’t allow her to control me and make me live
the way she thinks life is. She is so moody and changes faster than the seasons
but the problem is she throws everything on me like it is my fault. I can’t understand
that a single bit. So many times she say to me that she gets hard on me so I can
learn to feel her as if I am little kid who doesn’t
know how treat people. One days she
is happy and the other she is upset and her usual answer is (I don’t know). In
the end some how things turn against me and I become the problem. Somehow she
has the right to insult me and treat me in a cruel way and then apologize as if
nothing happened but if I did the same, it’s the end of the world. Why and why,
what have I don to deserve this?
She broke up with me because I described her as (complicated)
which meant disrespect to her and she told me that breaking up is what I was after.
It really amazes me that she was the one who kept talking about breaking up and
how it might better for the both of us and how she hates making me wait like this
and she is feeling guilty about it and in the end guess who’s
to blame? Me. I am the one who is looking for a break up.
Sub7an Allah.
She mentioned in her last email the word (complicated) few
times describing herself and it is obvious she is hurting from it but I really
wonder did she ever think how she made me suffer the last few weeks of our relationship.
Does she know what I have been through and how I felt? I don’t think she does.
Dear, I love you more than you ever know but I can’t live with you this way. I
am sorry.
Today is like hard decision day where I have to chose where
my mom will go for an operation. I have to say that I feel
so bad about this as I keep seeing her in the hospital everyday so sad
and so tired. Even through the doctor assured me of a 95% chance of passing, still
there is a 5 % of trouble which is very scary. Mom knows about the operation and
naturally she feels very scared and it is the same as I am the decision maker
and if anything goes wrong, I have no idea what might happen to me. I love this
lady so much and I want to see her happy and try to make her dreams come true
at least and show her the world and that there is another life than the one she
lived for the past 50 years.
In other news I managed to get one place today to go and
furnish my new apartment tomorrow so I can make the move within the next tow days
and after that I came home to shower and pray , eat some food and go to the hospital
. by the time I reached over there I felt so exhausted
and so sleepy. Sometimes I wonder if someone would understand what I am going
through. Other times I would say to myself, other people are in much more trouble
than me so why am I complaining?? Today I had a talk with one of the guys at work.
He is an Indian, married with children and he touched on the subject of life.
Why are we living? He talked about what he thought he would be doing but then
again priorities came. Kids and family and work and trying
to make everyone happy. but with all of that
is he happy? Somehow it made me realize that we work and work trying to please
everyone. I am trying to please my family, trying to be good at my work so my
bosses are happy with me, trying to do great in school so the teachers are happy
with me, and I tired to make my love happy doing whatever it takes and whatever
she wanted or at least I tried but then again what have I done to myself? Does
anyone think about me and my needs and requirements? I sure can stop at some point
and say enough, I have to look for myself but that would never be me. Maybe that
is life. Just do the best we can and hope things come out right. What hurts in
this matter is one thing; does anyone appreciate what we do? Maybe, for me, so
far all I have seen is (give me, lend me, help me) people, still no (take this,
have this, this is for you) people and some how I always end up alone.
I am writing this now on a regular basis and I am quite surprised
about myself. Is it because I feel sad about my worthless life??
Maybe. I am sure I will stop as I have tired this before
and it didn’t work but anyway, I spent the day at the hospital with my mom who
got discharged but will be going back again on the 27th to go under
surgery on the 28th under a Swedish doctor who peaks very good English
and somehow I think I might be wrong also. Everyone is asking me about how
good he is and what can I say. Do I go and check his
medical records or should I just trust him that he can do it? And
if things go wrong god forbids, will I be blamed? It’s
still a scary thought but I will have to go with it to the end. Mom is in bad
mood and I have to admit that she makes me so pissed off when she starts talking
about how worthless she is. All what we do to her is just annoying and we are
treating her worst that animals. I have no idea why she thinks that way and I
am sure it is not because of the operation as I have heard this type of talk from
her over and over again. So does this mean that women are ungrateful about what
men do? I know no one will ever be able to understand what women think or how
but can’t there be any fairness in the matter. We are worried about her and we
want the best for her but she can’t seem to see that. All she sees is that we
are trying to run her life the way we want to not the way she wants. I mean nothing
we do is good enough and it is always wrong.
Is there some kind of magic in the matter?
It is just few seconds after
My 5th day already at the new place and I feel
quite pissed off with myself and with everyone around me. My mother’s operation
is hunting me and I wish it ends so quickly. The other thing is that I feel so
pissed of with work. I am quite fed up with the company and its rules and regulations
and how work goes up to the point where I don’t want do anything anymore to anyone.
And the problem is that I don’t want to have a bad name.
Is being too nice a big problem?? At the moment people think
somehow is that I am some kind of a hot shot who can do anything especially to
go and talk to the big guys upstairs as if they will listen to me. It’s very strange
that all nationalities stand together one hand in helping themselves except us
Arabs. The past two weeks have been quite a nightmare especially with all the
firing that kept happening in the company which is making everyone in a bad mood
and of course speculations of weather they will be fired or staying. From my short
meeting the general manager I understood that the company is in deep trouble and
he wants people off. That is something that is understood but the problem is that
people don’t understand it. I can see all the westerners are prepared to leave
at any time because they know they will get other jobs and each have a secured
plan of some type of investment the will help them through out their later years.
The kind of life I am living at the moment is not much of help and I really need
to settle down before I make any decisions about how to run my future and how
it will be, but settle with who and when and where. One Filipino man who has been
so quite and a very good worker had all circumstances against him and he got fired
another man who is Palestinian man got fired also and both came over to me for
help to try and speak with the big guys upstairs. I quite hated to do such a thing
even though it is help but they can’t see that I can’t do anything. I mean there
are guys in the company who are local and have higher positions and can do something
but they won’t and who get stuck with doing al the favors? Me. I spoke to the
general manager about them and he agreed to have the Palestinian back only for
a short while and they guy was happy but he still want me to stand up with him
when he gets fired again maybe in two months time. The man looked so poor and
I know he is but what shocked me is that the same day I talked to the general
manager; I was told from a friend of mine that he has talked to cretin people
and they talked to the company’s head director who agreed to have him back. More
over, I was told that he is a drinker and is cruel to his family and that really
shocked me. My picture of him has changed even though I don’t want it to. Another
one tells me today that I saved a family because the guy’s wife is sick and his
two children have yet few years to go before graduation and working. I have no
idea but all I know for now is that I want to stay far away from everyone so I
think maybe the best thing to do is close my mobile off once I go on leave in
10 days time. With all of what is going on at the moment the thought of leaving
the place is growing stronger and stronger so I will gather all my stuff and go
back to the capital city and see if I can find something during my leave. I guess
this would mean that I will have to leave college
but honestly I don’t really care much right now.
I managed to find a place where they can manage to convert
work experience and other studies to some kind of a degree so I will plane to
see them shortly because I might be able to get something out of it. As the song
say (there must be some way out of here).
3 minutes past
Strange enough that schools prepare
you for life but they don’t prepare you for all of this. There is so much responsibility
to undertake and what can a man do? We are expected to take the load and just
shut up and not complain. Strange enough, I keep thinking about what my closest
friend said about the palm reading where I have two
lines in my palm and he said that they represent two marriages and even though
I know that a lot of this palm reading is not true but somehow stuff like that
do happen to me and I keep thinking who will be my first wife? And who is he second?
And will there be a divorce or death? Its kind of scary thing to think about and
there is always the question of why me? But then again why not, who am I to avoid
all of that? There is always stuff that you we as human seem to take for granted
and think it will never happen to us but we are far away from the truth cause
the more we think of as far away stuff the more we are likely to have it happening
to us(haven’t I said this before???). I have always watched movies and TV and
all about love and romance and I laughed so much about it cause I couldn’t understand
how stuff like that happen and how lovers will commit suicides which seemed utterly
a stupid thing to do. The years gone by and I grew up feeling more lonely and
lonely every day until I met her and all that I laughed about is happening to
me. Its moments like these which make you look at life in a complete different
way and start thinking about so deeply.
I’m just watching Brian Adam’s
song (summer of 69) and it is
Son of Adam, your mom brought
you crying and people around you laughing happily ,
so make sure that when comes the day you die and people are crying , that you
will be laughing happily.
Long as I read that I loved it
so much and how true it is as this is something that we have to accept. I haven’t
lost a very close person to me yet but I am sure some day it will happen and I
really dread that day. Still, I wish I would go first rather than see anyone go.
I remember quite few years ago where we had a large number of deaths that at some
point I hated going to funerals and I stopped. Thinking back, I have to admit
that the first person I felt bad for when I heard he died was Freddie mercury
Lead singer of the English band Queen. I never knew the guy, never spoke to him,
never met him face to face but I heard his music and I loved it and some how I
felt sad when he died. The same thing with princes Diana. I remember clearly the
night she died and I was in Miami and I just got back from dinner to the hotel
and I opened the TV and it was on
the news and my first reaction was that I wished it wasn’t her. Why did I have
that kind of a feeling for two people whom I had no contact with ever?
Some how they might have affected my life in cretin ways.
I love rock music and Queen was one of the best and their songs really meant something,
talking about life and its problems. That was something I related to and maybe
it is why I felt sad about Freddie’s death. For princes Diana, you can say I thought
of her as the most beautiful woman in the world. Maybe that was like what they
call a crush. She was somebody that I related to in my thoughts and she became
close to me. Strange enough, I don’t have that feeling for any family members.
I’ve never felt close to anyone then comes this girl in my life and turn it upside
down. Even though she is still alive and kicking, losing her has been pretty painful
so far and if she ever goes away for real, I have no idea of what or how I might
react cause so far and since losing her, I have lost
all interest in life. My only purpose now is to help my parents and family and
to hell with my life cause I don’t see me living anymore.
And finally come the day of the
big operation. I woke up a bit late today and I managed to make it to the hospital
about
Day 2 after the operation and
I have to say that I am so relieved. I went to see my mom this morning and she
looked so tired but it was because of the sleeping drugs they were giving her
to keep her relaxed but in the afternoon when I saw her she has improved a lot
and I managed to talk to her. She was doing a breathing exercise which I was happy
to see her doing it as it means part of the crucial operation time has passed.
I could hear the other guy who had the same operation talking to his family so
it seems that things have gone quite well for both of them and thank god for that.
I couldn’t sleep well last night and I don’t know why. Is it the bed or the thinking?
I kept thinking that I might get a phone call at night saying something has gone
wrong with my mom and I am still thinking of that right now and hoping the phone
wont ring. I was suppose to go to work today but when I woke up on the alarm ring,
I was so lazy and decided not to go but I will be going tomorrow just to clear
everything on my disk and get ready for my holiday starting form next week. There
are quite few things in my mind that I want to do but I have no idea of how things
will go. It is in regards to work and mom and travel. Apart from going
What if we get back now how would
things work? I haven’t spoken to her father for many months now and I wouldn’t
know how to explain it. And more over, will we get into the same stuff as we did
before? It’s very confusing. I don’t want to throw blames left and right, what
I really want is to know why and how did we end up this way. Did we stop caring
or did we let things go between us? Trying to keep a relationship form distance
is so hard but we managed to do it for five years so why not more? I can remember
the last year we had so much fights. Is it because I went back to school and I
didn’t have enough time for her? But I expect her to understand. We are far away
and there is time difference which makes it even worst so eventually it will be
hard to do it because I work and study. Should I Email her with my thoughts? The
thing is I am afraid to get back with her. Apart from going through all of this
headache and problems, my life will have to change. After spending all my money
on my mother’s operation, I won’t be ready for any engagement or marriage plans.
I am sure that will go against me and if I asked for more time to prepare myself,
it will be my fault for the delay. I am sure I will be accused of it as I have
once before. Then again I want to build a house and I need the money to do it
and if she came in then the housing thing will have to be delayed which means
I might lose my land that was given to me by the government in two years time.
And above all, if I say to hell with the land and all of that, what assurance
do I have that we will end up together? To be real honest about it, the whole
delay is from her side but I cant say that to her cause
she will be very upset about it and start asking me to leave and that she don’t
want to waste my time. Just like every time she gets upset that would be the usual
thing to hear. I am bad and I don’t deserve you and you go and find someone better
and bla bla bla. For the time being, I prefer to have things the way they are
now. I might miss her and feel the need to talk to her but at the same time; I
need to be alone for a while. I think that is the best thing to do now.
Main August September October November
