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July 6th, 2003

One more occasion to celebrate in this summer. So far there have been about 5 or 6 weddings and this is the only engagement. My dearest friend has finally tied the knot. I don’t know why I am feeling very sad. I am very happy for him and to be honest so surprised to hear about his MAHR (something of a value like money, given to the bride) for the girl he is marrying. 500 dirham and the holy Quran, I mean these days to hear of some one accepting this is like a miracle. It’s not about money, but it’s mostly about the type of people he is becoming apart from which are his family. I think his future wife will be so good and I do wish him all the best in his life. For me, I guess life hasn’t started yet. I am sure that is the reason why I feel so sad about the whole thing. I mean setting with all my friends and being the only one who is single still and getting older by the minute or second. I’ve always thought of myself having the worst of luck around and I guess I am. After the break up of my relationship I have to admit that I am so lost now. There are so many mixed feelings about everything. At some points I want go back and talk to her and others I just want things to be over. We always hear the thoughts of (if you want something you have to fight for it) and (if you love someone, set them free)..Where am I now? Should I let go or should I go on?? How do I know which is which. I love her and I miss her more and more but it hurts so much to be this far and in this situation. Who’s to blame and what to do? The Worst of all who to talk to. So far all I have is this to say all my thoughts. Maybe it will make it a bit easier but I don’t think so. I wish I have someone around who can understand what I am going through but sadly there isn’t. And even if, I don’t know if I will have the strength to talk about it. Anyway, I guess this is another night of so many lonely nights to go through and who knows what the future hides.

 

 

July 9, 2003

From spending awful nights to starting awful mornings also. I got a call from home that my mom is in bad shape because of hear heart condition so I called an ambulance and shot straight home where I found the ambulance in front of the house and the medics were already inside checking her. This is the fourth time she goes with this problem and even though she seemed alright when I arrived, she was a complete mess when I last saw her in the ICU.

 

 

July 11, 2003

Another day goes by so meaningless and so not worthy. Some times I wonder why we are really living cause I am so tired of it but then I think of all the people who lived or are living and how they survived years and years of pain and agony so why can’t I do the same. Anyway, mom is doing well and I am very glad to see her walking normally a little. Why is it hard for elders to understand that we are trying our best for them? I don’t know why. She’s feeling scared though and I really wish I can make it better for her but I don’t know how. She knows she will have to go through an operation and it’s a scary thought for everyone. A lot of times we hear about these operations and we tend to think it will never happen to us but think again. We are like any normal humans.

Yesterday I got an email from my love ,a song. I didn’t know exactly what to reply to her. There is so much that I want to say even I feel sometimes I want to shout at her but then again as we broke up why bring the heartache more and more. No matter how much I shout to her that I love her, she will doubt it. Her love is bigger and stronger and higher and better but I am always on the down side. I have to admit that I want her back so badly but the problem is that I can’t allow her to control me and make me live the way she thinks life is. She is so moody and changes faster than the seasons but the problem is she throws everything on me like it is my fault. I can’t understand that a single bit. So many times she say to me that she gets hard on me so I can learn to feel her as if I am little kid who doesn’t  know how treat people. One days she is happy and the other she is upset and her usual answer is (I don’t know). In the end some how things turn against me and I become the problem. Somehow she has the right to insult me and treat me in a cruel way and then apologize as if nothing happened but if I did the same, it’s the end of the world. Why and why, what have I don to deserve this?

She broke up with me because I described her as (complicated) which meant disrespect to her and she told me that breaking up is what I was after. It really amazes me that she was the one who kept talking about breaking up and how it might better for the both of us and how she hates making me wait like this and she is feeling guilty about it and in the end guess who’s to blame? Me. I am the one who is looking for a break up. Sub7an Allah.

She mentioned in her last email the word (complicated) few times describing herself and it is obvious she is hurting from it but I really wonder did she ever think how she made me suffer the last few weeks of our relationship. Does she know what I have been through and how I felt? I don’t think she does. Dear, I love you more than you ever know but I can’t live with you this way. I am sorry.

 

 

July 14, 2003

Today is like hard decision day where I have to chose where my mom will go for an operation. I have to say that I feel so bad about this as I keep seeing her in the hospital everyday so sad and so tired. Even through the doctor assured me of a 95% chance of passing, still there is a 5 % of trouble which is very scary. Mom knows about the operation and naturally she feels very scared and it is the same as I am the decision maker and if anything goes wrong, I have no idea what might happen to me. I love this lady so much and I want to see her happy and try to make her dreams come true at least and show her the world and that there is another life than the one she lived for the past 50 years.

In other news I managed to get one place today to go and furnish my new apartment tomorrow so I can make the move within the next tow days and after that I came home to shower and pray , eat some food and go to the hospital . by the time I reached over there I felt so exhausted and so sleepy. Sometimes I wonder if someone would understand what I am going through. Other times I would say to myself, other people are in much more trouble than me so why am I complaining?? Today I had a talk with one of the guys at work. He is an Indian, married with children and he touched on the subject of life. Why are we living? He talked about what he thought he would be doing but then again priorities came. Kids and family and work and trying to make everyone happy. but with all of that is he happy? Somehow it made me realize that we work and work trying to please everyone. I am trying to please my family, trying to be good at my work so my bosses are happy with me, trying to do great in school so the teachers are happy with me, and I tired to make my love happy doing whatever it takes and whatever she wanted or at least I tried but then again what have I done to myself? Does anyone think about me and my needs and requirements? I sure can stop at some point and say enough, I have to look for myself but that would never be me. Maybe that is life. Just do the best we can and hope things come out right. What hurts in this matter is one thing; does anyone appreciate what we do? Maybe, for me, so far all I have seen is (give me, lend me, help me) people, still no (take this, have this, this is for you) people and some how I always end up alone.

 

 

July 15, 2003

I am writing this now on a regular basis and I am quite surprised about myself. Is it because I feel sad about my worthless life?? Maybe. I am sure I will stop as I have tired this before and it didn’t work but anyway, I spent the day at the hospital with my mom who got discharged but will be going back again on the 27th to go under surgery on the 28th under a Swedish doctor who peaks very good English and somehow I think I might be wrong also. Everyone is asking me about how good he is and what can I say. Do I go and check his medical records or should I just trust him that he can do it? And if things go wrong god forbids, will I be blamed? It’s still a scary thought but I will have to go with it to the end. Mom is in bad mood and I have to admit that she makes me so pissed off when she starts talking about how worthless she is. All what we do to her is just annoying and we are treating her worst that animals. I have no idea why she thinks that way and I am sure it is not because of the operation as I have heard this type of talk from her over and over again. So does this mean that women are ungrateful about what men do? I know no one will ever be able to understand what women think or how but can’t there be any fairness in the matter. We are worried about her and we want the best for her but she can’t seem to see that. All she sees is that we are trying to run her life the way we want to not the way she wants. I mean nothing we do is good enough and it is always wrong.

Is there some kind of magic in the matter? 

 

 

July 20, 2003

It is just few seconds after midnight and here I am relaxing at my new apartment. Sadly I still don’t have any of my entertainment stuff like the internet or satellite TV but so far I am getting by with the normal channels and working around to put my life back on normal track. There is so much to be done around the place and few things to buy also so I guess I will be having a terrible headache by the end of the week. So far, my mom and sisters are coming tomorrow to work in the place and I am sure most of the hard work will be done beautifully. The thing is I have discovered while moving that I was living alone but I had the stuff of a big family. Mom likes to buy stuff for absolute no reason just because it looks nice and she wants it. Now there is so much stuff that I have to get rid of especially the books. I have a large number of various books but I haven’t read any of them in the past 15 years. Just saved like that so I will try and donate them to a charity and get ride of them. The funny and the most headache thing about all of this is the whole move to this place which I have to mention. My friend, being the son of a millionaire, offered to bring me some people to help me with the move when I was thinking of calling  a movers company to help me with it but as long as he have contacts then things will be easier. On Thursday by 7:00 PM, he calls saying he is under the building waiting with workers and I went down to meet him where I faced three rugged, dirty ,black and smelly men with a medium size truck. I was so shocked about it and when I asked him he said he got the pick up truck for 60 dirham and he grabbed three malbaries from a construction site each for 50 dirham to do this job. Unbelievable, this guy will do anything to save a penny and yet he is wealthy, all I say thank god I am not like that but that does remind me of one thing, always do my own work my way even if its hard or wrong. It took us till midnight on Thursday to deliver everything to the new apartment and of coarse the truck cant handle everything so it was delayed till Friday when about the same time he brought three more people and they handled things till about 11:00 PM , then the rest was on Saturday. Lucky I managed to get one cleaning company to clean the old apartment and they did so well so I was happy with that service. Now all of that gets me thinking about my dear friend and his money. Why are we so scared to spend money for services like that? I sweated so badly helping the people move the stuff around when I could have been setting down and just monitoring the work anyway, that has all passed and the only thing left is to arrange for phones to be connected and arrange the place, order curtains and buy two wardrobes. I don’t know for how long this will be my home as I am finding it harder and harder at work which is making me jump again to the capital city and get some work off shore and get out of that miserable company. I am trying to lead a normal life but I guess life doesn’t want me to live normally and quietly. My breakup is still killing me softly and my mom needs looking after and now my new role is helping people get their lost jobs back as if I am the head of the company. Out of everyone in the company with high positions, I am the only one who is capable to handle stuff like that. And damn my boss of going on leave and doing this to me. And above all of that there are people who aren’t afraid of asking for money or even referring others to me. One after another, everyone wants something form me and what I want, no one can do anything about. Few days ago I read about this local guy who died in his twenties and all he did is help people in anyway he can and was a very active member in his society , that got me thinking, will this be my role in life, just to help people only? Its not bad to help but only if you can and if you have the means other wise it is hopeless but who can see that I cant do anything? No one. I work at that company and since I got promoted my office has been worst that a shrink’s office. Everyone comes in to complain about his life and it is only me who has the ears to listen. Anyway, as usual, I will not complain and let things go by(man after all of that), but one thing keeps hunting me now? Is running away the answer? Who knows?

 

July 22, 2003

My 5th day already at the new place and I feel quite pissed off with myself and with everyone around me. My mother’s operation is hunting me and I wish it ends so quickly. The other thing is that I feel so pissed of with work. I am quite fed up with the company and its rules and regulations and how work goes up to the point where I don’t want do anything anymore to anyone. And the problem is that I don’t want to have a bad name.

Is being too nice a big problem?? At the moment people think somehow is that I am some kind of a hot shot who can do anything especially to go and talk to the big guys upstairs as if they will listen to me. It’s very strange that all nationalities stand together one hand in helping themselves except us Arabs. The past two weeks have been quite a nightmare especially with all the firing that kept happening in the company which is making everyone in a bad mood and of course speculations of weather they will be fired or staying. From my short meeting the general manager I understood that the company is in deep trouble and he wants people off. That is something that is understood but the problem is that people don’t understand it. I can see all the westerners are prepared to leave at any time because they know they will get other jobs and each have a secured plan of some type of investment the will help them through out their later years. The kind of life I am living at the moment is not much of help and I really need to settle down before I make any decisions about how to run my future and how it will be, but settle with who and when and where. One Filipino man who has been so quite and a very good worker had all circumstances against him and he got fired another man who is Palestinian man got fired also and both came over to me for help to try and speak with the big guys upstairs. I quite hated to do such a thing even though it is help but they can’t see that I can’t do anything. I mean there are guys in the company who are local and have higher positions and can do something but they won’t and who get stuck with doing al the favors? Me. I spoke to the general manager about them and he agreed to have the Palestinian back only for a short while and they guy was happy but he still want me to stand up with him when he gets fired again maybe in two months time. The man looked so poor and I know he is but what shocked me is that the same day I talked to the general manager; I was told from a friend of mine that he has talked to cretin people and they talked to the company’s head director who agreed to have him back. More over, I was told that he is a drinker and is cruel to his family and that really shocked me. My picture of him has changed even though I don’t want it to. Another one tells me today that I saved a family because the guy’s wife is sick and his two children have yet few years to go before graduation and working. I have no idea but all I know for now is that I want to stay far away from everyone so I think maybe the best thing to do is close my mobile off once I go on leave in 10 days time. With all of what is going on at the moment the thought of leaving the place is growing stronger and stronger so I will gather all my stuff and go back to the capital city and see if I can find something during my leave. I guess this would mean that I will have to leave college but honestly I don’t really care much right now.

I managed to find a place where they can manage to convert work experience and other studies to some kind of a degree so I will plane to see them shortly because I might be able to get something out of it. As the song say (there must be some way out of here).

 

 

July 25, 2003

3 minutes past midnight and I just got back from my parents house. Night after night I keep thinking of this damn loneliness and of shattered dreams. There is a lot of mixed feelings about the whole thing and I don’t know what is right form wrong. I received and Email from My love asking how I was and I replied back so today I got her reply back telling me that she is still breathing as if she is telling me how badly she is affected by all of this and I am sure she is but does she think I am flying out of happiness here? I wish I can tell her how I truly feel but I don’t want her to feel hurt because I know in the end as usual everything will be my fault no matter what.  Its been over six months since I last talked to her father who simply doesn’t care even picking up the phone and calling and yet I am expected to have a good relation ship with this family if things worked out fine. Tow days ago, I was talking to one guy , our eldest man in the workshop and he was telling me about marriage that marrying a woman sometimes means marrying her whole family. You get the whole package and more headaches so he was advising me that I should get to know the family better before I make a decision. Now my question is that if so far I have been treated as stranger for the past five years should I still keep going? Five years I am running after this girl and trying to convince her family that I want to be one of them and have them as a family but I haven’t seen any response apart from her words about what they feel about me. It has been hatred for the first three years until they started to accept but they kept delaying and delaying and five years without any response and all of this just because the way we met and because I am not one of them. Once things started to look fine from their side, things went bad on our side. Suddenly the thought of marrying a girl form the family seems very right and arrange marriage is the answers to all problems. Yet I still have something in my heart and somehow a feeling that I will end up with her. I want to try and forget but it is very hard. I have made a decision that by next year no matter where I am either working in another place or whatever , I will get married through an arranged marriage and end all of this. I am just scared that she will come somehow in my life and I wouldn’t know what to do. If I get her back then surly I will stay with her but what does that mean? More waiting? More daily problems? More cloudy skies and rainy days?? Should I accept her back in my life? Should I let it happen? Yes I love her so much but is that enough to start back all over? And will I ever feel about her or look at her the way I used to look at her and feel about her?  What can I do and what can I say and who to turn to? I seem to listen to people’s problems and try to give solutions but all my problems are laid out here and I guess I wont ever get an advice. If it wasn’t for my family, I would have ran far away from all of this. Where do you go when you’re lonely, where do you go when you’re blue?

Strange enough that schools prepare you for life but they don’t prepare you for all of this. There is so much responsibility to undertake and what can a man do? We are expected to take the load and just shut up and not complain. Strange enough, I keep thinking about what my closest friend said about the palm reading where I have two lines in my palm and he said that they represent two marriages and even though I know that a lot of this palm reading is not true but somehow stuff like that do happen to me and I keep thinking who will be my first wife? And who is he second? And will there be a divorce or death? Its kind of scary thing to think about and there is always the question of why me? But then again why not, who am I to avoid all of that? There is always stuff that you we as human seem to take for granted and think it will never happen to us but we are far away from the truth cause the more we think of as far away stuff the more we are likely to have it happening to us(haven’t I said this before???). I have always watched movies and TV and all about love and romance and I laughed so much about it cause I couldn’t understand how stuff like that happen and how lovers will commit suicides which seemed utterly a stupid thing to do. The years gone by and I grew up feeling more lonely and lonely every day until I met her and all that I laughed about is happening to me. Its moments like these which make you look at life in a complete different way and start thinking about so deeply.

 

July 27, 2003

I’m just watching Brian Adam’s song (summer of 69) and it is 12:13 in the morning. One of the song versus says (I guess nothing lasts forever) and how true is that. As Muslims, our religion teaches us that all what is in this world is vanishing except Allah himself as he is the creator. Why is death so scary? I am sure that one day I will face it but I am not sure how. Maybe that is the scary part of it. But leaving myself and onto other and I mean loved ones. If a loved one goes, we cry and we become sad even though we are taught to accept it as it is part of live. As my mom is going into an open heart surgery after tomorrow, it really scare me what the outcome of this will be. I really really hope she pulls through and gets back to her normal life but there is always the negative side of thinking around. I am scared of losing her. I sat watching her today at lunch time and how she looked so far away in her dreams or thought and it really hurts me to see her going through all of this. She is getting older and her thought are getting older also. Today I had to go with my sisters and donate blood for the operation but when she found out about it she freaked out as to her giving our blood means we might die. More over she won’t hear of anything other than that thought. To her, the doctors had fooled us into doing it and we don’t have a clue of what we did. How do you deal with minds like these, I have no idea. But with all of that, I don’t want to loose her and I hope I won’t. Similar to my lover who I thought so many times of this. If we lived together, I would want to die first instead of seeing her away because I might not be able to handle it. Maybe in heaven we will be together again. Once a friend of mine gave me some versus of a poem in Arabic which says

Son of Adam, your mom brought you crying and people around you laughing happily , so make sure that when comes the day you die and people are crying , that you will be laughing happily.

Long as I read that I loved it so much and how true it is as this is something that we have to accept. I haven’t lost a very close person to me yet but I am sure some day it will happen and I really dread that day. Still, I wish I would go first rather than see anyone go. I remember quite few years ago where we had a large number of deaths that at some point I hated going to funerals and I stopped. Thinking back, I have to admit that the first person I felt bad for when I heard he died was Freddie mercury Lead singer of the English band Queen. I never knew the guy, never spoke to him, never met him face to face but I heard his music and I loved it and some how I felt sad when he died. The same thing with princes Diana. I remember clearly the night she died and I was in Miami and I just got back from dinner to the hotel and I opened the  TV and it was on the news and my first reaction was that I wished it wasn’t her. Why did I have that kind of a feeling for two people whom I had no contact with ever? Some how they might have affected my life in cretin ways. I love rock music and Queen was one of the best and their songs really meant something, talking about life and its problems. That was something I related to and maybe it is why I felt sad about Freddie’s death. For princes Diana, you can say I thought of her as the most beautiful woman in the world. Maybe that was like what they call a crush. She was somebody that I related to in my thoughts and she became close to me. Strange enough, I don’t have that feeling for any family members. I’ve never felt close to anyone then comes this girl in my life and turn it upside down. Even though she is still alive and kicking, losing her has been pretty painful so far and if she ever goes away for real, I have no idea of what or how I might react cause so far and since losing her, I have lost all interest in life. My only purpose now is to help my parents and family and to hell with my life cause I don’t see me living anymore.

 

July 28, 2003

And finally come the day of the big operation. I woke up a bit late today and I managed to make it to the hospital about 9:30 as my mom was to be taken away at 10:00 to input the heart assisting device on her. I got there and she was lying in bed half a sleep and she didn’t even hear me coming in. she was looking bored and very sad also which has really broken me so badly . That sweet old lady going through a lot and why did she have to go through it? I don’t know. I sat with her and I watched some TV and during that time the doctors were in and out asking about her and checking her blood sugar. By 12:00 mid-day my two sisters arrived and about 2:00 PM the doctors came to take her for planting the device on her for her heart and that was the last she saw of us. When she came out of there and on the way to the operating room she was drugged and sleeping. I remember on Sunday when I took her to the hospital and it felt like taking a prisoner to death row. For the past few days she has been walking and talking so freely with out problems and I really didn’t want her to go through with his operation but I know for sure that however she was feeling good , it wont last long and she will drop down at some point. I have never been through something like this and last night I remember my friend saying to me that the painful part is during the operation while waiting which was so true. It was so horrible and it was something that I don’t want to feel ever but somehow I get this horrible feeling that I might go through it again and again. I sat outside the operating room with all sort of bad thoughts and to be honest I was thinking that my mom would die. I can’t help the thought. The doctors kept coming back and fourth, reassuring me it will be ok, but I just couldn’t help it. Had I been alone, I would have broken down in tears as it took so much out of me to keep my self from crying. We always take things for granted and once they are gone, that is the time when we realize how much we want or that that thing or person. As the old saying goes (you don’t know what you got, till it’s gone). But you know what is even worst than that? It is finding someone to be by your side and someone you can talk to. My case, as usual, no one. Once again that is why I lay it all out here. I sat there on the chair thinking about my mom and then thinking about the one I love. I thought of writing her all of this just for the sake of it but I don’t want to disturb her life anymore. I wish things could have been better so I could talk to her again and just bring back the old time and be together. She was the only one I could talk to freely with all my thoughts and problems and fears but now no more. How I miss her and how I long to be with her. I wonder how she is keeping now. I keep thinking of that song for Lionel Ritchie (hello) where he says (cause I wonder where you are and I wonder what you do, are somewhere feeling lonely or if someone loving you, tell me how to win your heart cause I haven’t got a clue but let me start by saying , I LOVE YOU)

 

July 29, 2003

Day 2 after the operation and I have to say that I am so relieved. I went to see my mom this morning and she looked so tired but it was because of the sleeping drugs they were giving her to keep her relaxed but in the afternoon when I saw her she has improved a lot and I managed to talk to her. She was doing a breathing exercise which I was happy to see her doing it as it means part of the crucial operation time has passed. I could hear the other guy who had the same operation talking to his family so it seems that things have gone quite well for both of them and thank god for that. I couldn’t sleep well last night and I don’t know why. Is it the bed or the thinking? I kept thinking that I might get a phone call at night saying something has gone wrong with my mom and I am still thinking of that right now and hoping the phone wont ring. I was suppose to go to work today but when I woke up on the alarm ring, I was so lazy and decided not to go but I will be going tomorrow just to clear everything on my disk and get ready for my holiday starting form next week. There are quite few things in my mind that I want to do but I have no idea of how things will go. It is in regards to work and mom and travel. Apart from going Iran for few days early this year, I have been stuck here for two years now and I am so tired. I am planning to go to Oman with my friend even though I know it won’t be such a good idea but it will only be for few days.  With all of that in mind, I keep thinking of going back to Canada for one last look. I keep thinking that I might just see her somewhere or get a final glimpse of her walking, talking, laughing, I don’t know.

What if we get back now how would things work? I haven’t spoken to her father for many months now and I wouldn’t know how to explain it. And more over, will we get into the same stuff as we did before? It’s very confusing. I don’t want to throw blames left and right, what I really want is to know why and how did we end up this way. Did we stop caring or did we let things go between us? Trying to keep a relationship form distance is so hard but we managed to do it for five years so why not more? I can remember the last year we had so much fights. Is it because I went back to school and I didn’t have enough time for her? But I expect her to understand. We are far away and there is time difference which makes it even worst so eventually it will be hard to do it because I work and study. Should I Email her with my thoughts? The thing is I am afraid to get back with her. Apart from going through all of this headache and problems, my life will have to change. After spending all my money on my mother’s operation, I won’t be ready for any engagement or marriage plans. I am sure that will go against me and if I asked for more time to prepare myself, it will be my fault for the delay. I am sure I will be accused of it as I have once before. Then again I want to build a house and I need the money to do it and if she came in then the housing thing will have to be delayed which means I might lose my land that was given to me by the government in two years time. And above all, if I say to hell with the land and all of that, what assurance do I have that we will end up together? To be real honest about it, the whole delay is from her side but I cant say that to her cause she will be very upset about it and start asking me to leave and that she don’t want to waste my time. Just like every time she gets upset that would be the usual thing to hear. I am bad and I don’t deserve you and you go and find someone better and bla bla bla. For the time being, I prefer to have things the way they are now. I might miss her and feel the need to talk to her but at the same time; I need to be alone for a while. I think that is the best thing to do now.

 

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