The very first day of my annual
leave, or should I say the very first day of the first leave that I have taken
in two years. It is
Have you ever seen the movie
(father of the bride)? Well, I am watching it right now and it brings such feelings
in my heart. I have seen this movie over and over many times and I love it to
death. I have no idea why but the relation ship between the daughter and her father
is so intriguing to me and maybe that is why I long to have a daughter in the
future, also I want my first born to be a girl. We were going to name her (Norah).
The future daughter that we dreamt about many many times and who may never exist.
Somehow I have this love inside of me for this future girl whom ever she maybe.
But I guess above all of that, she should have a mother who is as beautiful as
can be not appearance wise but heart wise. I know my love has it all and more
and all I can wish for is for a miracle to save my life. Last night I Emailed
her with all my thoughts and I know for sure that she will be very upset with
all of it but I really hope she will understand me and understand what she was
doing to me. Somehow I don’t think things will get better.
Yesterday I went to visit my
mom in the evening and I walked in with some food In my hand and she asked me
what it was and I answered that it is something that she cant
eat , that is when she started crying and once again
we don’t care about her. I got so pissed off and I felt like shouting at her but
with her situation I can understand that she is going through a lot. But even
though, she was like this long long time ago. We hate her, we want to control
her , we have been a thorn in her side and so on. Why
can’t she understand that we want the best for her? I have no idea. She is old
but she is not as old to not understand that. She wants things her way and we
have to obey and shut up. Of coarse
that will never happen. My cousin was setting with my sisters and I overheard
them talking about a magazine writer who writes about women’s issues and solve
problems or give advice and they were talking about sending her a letter and at
that point I thought o myself that what in the world do they have in their minds?
What I mean what kind of problems are they suffering from? Some of it is the same
as me. They are getting older everyday and no comfort form anyone. No husbands
and no life. It’s terribly hard to live like that and I know some cousins of mine
who are going through that. They are 40 and above and yet single. Anyway, I got
very upset with my mom and I just sat there as quite as usual and by
“Oh, think twice, it’s just another
day for you and me in paradise”. Phil Collins sang this song some time in the
late eighties I think. The song was simply about homeless people and how we tend
to ignore them when we shouldn’t turn the other ear and just give a hand. Now
here is someone who doesn’t have a home and no job and tries to survive. How does
that person live? How does he/she feel every single day? Why that person does
keep trying to find food and shelter? Is the answer (life)? With all of what that
person goes through he /she still fights everyday for survival. I look at myself
and how am I doing and all the problems I go through every single day and all
what I have been through, is that enough for me to end my life or wish it ends?
To be honest I think I would be a big time loser. Why is it that every time we
face problems we try to run away by thinking about death? It might be an easy
way out of all the pain and suffering but is that what life is about? Maybe some
people commit suicide because they are weak and can’t face this life. People get
by even in their worst cases with something as simple as smile or nice word. I
remember one time I heard on the radio about a woman dedicating a song to a guy
who she doesn’t know but her only reason is that he made her feel good. She was
stuck in traffic for over an hour and she was on the way home after a long day
of work and feeling very tired and pissed off from the traffic when suddenly she
turns around to look at the people around her in traffic and there is this guy
who she sees eye to eye and he was smiling and she smiled back and that smile
made her feel so comfortable. Maybe it is the feeling that she is not alone in
this. Today I got a call from my cousin who just came back from
Well, it’s finally here, the
big answer I was waiting for. I woke up this morning and I went on the net to
check my email and there was the reply of my love. Straight away when I read the
subject saying (too late) I knew things will be over. As I read the email, I felt
scared and nervous and by the end of the email I have to admit that I was totally
crushed. Once again parents prevail and win the contest. Things have to go their
way as usual. I felt so mad and so angry about her parents and especially her
father who to me had planned all this waiting just to make us go this way and
separate. I feel like I want to curse him with all what I know but then again
I shouldn’t. for those of you who don’t understand,
for us as Muslims , we tend to obey our parents as it is a request from Allah
or god. Arranged marriages are the most popular around and they work just fine
and this might seem as a surprise to many but they actually do and they last longer
than marriages that starts with a love relationship. But even in Islam it is widely
known if two people are in love, then they should be wed but who listens to that
now a days. I can understand the reason why parents would refuse cretin people.
Some parents would look for a rich guy, other would look for an educated guy,
and some look for someone who is nice and kind regardless weather rich or educated.
In the end, the girl decides with a yes or no. now a day even though it doesn’t
happen as much, girls still have a hard time to choose. We heard so many stories
about girls who fell in love and got married behind their parents back only to
find out later on that the guy was a big liar. This is why parents over here are
scared and want to choose rather than allow their daughter to choose because naturally
it is well known that women or females are very sensitive and could follow their
emotions blindly. Sweet words can do a lot to woman’s heart. But every now and
then there comes the cases of people like me who spend a long time trying to convince
his lover’s parents of his good intentions but they have the wrong idea. In my
case, it is mainly because I am not from their own people. What I mean is that
I am from this country and they are originally from another so it is hard for
them to accept a stranger. What amazes
me is that I have two uneducated parents who hesitated at first when they knew
that I want to marry someone from outside the family but they just said that the
choice is mine and they accepted the girl even though they haven’t seen her. I
can remember the only thing my mom asked me about her family is that (are they
nice people?). Then of coarse I come to the other side and see my lover’s educated
parents and how they reacted. Probably as I can remember the first three years
were complete refusal but they didn’t dare to tell me and then of course came
the questioning of my education and salary and my family and how they are a bunch
of carpenters not business men. Somehow all of that stood in the way and I tried
to correct whatever I can but not my family as it is something that I can’t and
won’t ever change and they will have to accept it. I got myself into school to
continue my education and I am looking for a better job with a better pay but
somehow in the end that didn’t mean anything. What they wanted happened and now
I have no idea of where to go. With all the problems that we went through I still
had some hope but now, I am totally lost.
It is Thursday afternoon
Somehow all of that has gotten me thinking of something about religion. I am not very religious but I do tend to follow what I was taught. One of our Imams once side that if you fall into a lot of problems then it means that you have gone on a wrong path and the problems are Allah’s way of telling you to get back on the right path. More over, having problems are Allah’s way of testing someone he loves so he would see if that person would be able to handle it and be patient or not. Sometimes I think that he loves me and other times I see my self doing wrong things and I am sure I am way out of line. All of this has gotten me thinking about my religious side very seriously and I guess that is something I need to get in touch with. The past couple of nights I have been leaving a radio station that broadcasts the Holly Quran 24 hours on during the night. I think that will be the new quest for me now is to learn about my religion very deeply as I am missing so much of it and who knows, that might be the solution to a peaceful mind.Only last week I had this big beard and mustache and everyone asks me why and my reply would be ( I got into Islam ). If they only would know why.
Today I had a big row with my rich business man friend who wants me to get into business with him but without me asking where the money come from. Being a Muslim, I have to know because the money could be what we call (haram) or coming from a bad or wrong source and that type of money is something that I cannot accept but for him he wants me to just do whatever work to be done and look the other way and take the money. I think we are going to have a lot of headaches if we go to work together and I have no idea how long will I keep doing this but I guess the best thing to do is to make him understand my point of view of the whole matter , otherwise there wont be any kind of work between us. I can’t understand his concept of work. For him money is everything and a man must do whatever it takes to get money and money is the source of happiness. Surprisingly, he cant see his father who is one of the riches people here and he is paralyzed totally. What has money done to him? Did it save him? His kids hate him so much and wish he would die. So why still run after money? I don’t understand. All I know is that I am sticking to my views and nothing is going to change it no matter how crazy it might seem to some people.
August 9 ,2003
5 minutes after midnight and I will be getting ready for bed thought I slept so much today that I don't think I will be able to shut my eyes now. I tried to do some work around the place but my mind wasn't into it so I spent it mostly on the net reading a book. Today somehow I got my wallet and I was going to change it with a new one and as I was talking everything from the old one , the pictures of my sweetie came out. she gave me a couple of pictures of her when she was a baby and some pictures she took in a one of those picture booths. suddenly everything changed around me and I felt so depressed. I kept looking at her pictures and all the memories started to flow back .of coarse as they say all good things must come to a end as my phone rang and it was my friend who was on the way here. I spent about 6 years in a relationship but I pity him so much as he was in love with his cousin for 10 years before his father refused to marry them. He has such hatred for his father till date and he still thinks of his cousin who is married now with children. Sometimes he keeps saying that one day when he is rich and powerful, he will have her back and I keep asking him to forget and move on as his problem ended about 7 years ago and he still cant forget so what about me? it's been almost 6 weeks now and the pain is hurting worst and worst everyday. the funny thing is that he keep asking me questions wanting to know how I am feeling and for me I hate to talk about it and I keep it to myself but I really admire his curiosity sometimes. so here we are , a couple of grown up men who lost loved ones and we have no clue of what to do other than work and work and work and hoe things will be good someday. I got this funny idea in my head that we should start a club for men who broke up with their loved ones for some reason or another. I guess we can call it (the losers club). how would it feel?
How many roads must a man
walk down
Before you call him a man?
the answer my friend, is blowing in the wind,
the answer is blowing in the wind.
August 10,2003
It is 3:25 in the afternoon and I just got back from lunch at my parents house. I haven't seen my mother as she was sleeping but I will be talking her to a doctor's appointment by 5:00 later on. Yesterday she had an appointment with two doctors and both were very pleased with her progress. the funny thing about the whole thing is that both doctors had offices next to each other and I couldn't understand why they wouldn't check on her at the same time. As I was having lunch I was watching an Arabic mini-series and there was a mother who was talking to her son about when she grow old where would she stay if he and his sister are already married and each living in his and her own place. The boy answered her that she can stay with him or his sister. then she asked him what if his sister married a man who is mean and doesn't want her to stay so the boy suggested that she can live with him. the whole point behind this conversation was because the mother's father or uncle is living with them and the boy was a little annoyed as he is trying to study and that man is disturbing him as I understood from the whole thing. In the end the boy understand what his mother was trying to say so he jokes with her saying that when she grows up and old she must live with him as he will give her one whole floor of his future villa and she laughs saying that she only wants a very small room and that is all she is asking for. What would you say about mothers. how do we get so pissed off with them but in the end we have this big love inside of us? in western worlds parents live alone till they die with occasional visits from sons and daughters and grandsons and daughters, as we see on TV parents visits always considered some kind of headache for their kids and they wish it ends very fast. of coarse in the end , they end up in houses for the elders where they can be taken care of by nurses. we come to this side of the world where we see parents are highly regarded and no matter how old they grow, their kids take care of them. It all depends how they raise their kids, if they did a good job then they will have a nice life later on . sadly now a day, even over here people started to get used to the idea of giving up their parents to hospitals and elder houses just to get them out of their way and let some one else take the responsibility. I remember when my grandmother was in the hospital in her last days ,I used to visit her daily. in that ward were about 6 women. One of them had a one who had a name the same as me and she used to call on him many times , when we asked the nurse about her she told us that her son brought her here over a week and only visited her once. how painful can that be? had she been blind, maybe I would have acted as her son, I had that thought in mind. Strange enough with all what our parents have gone through to get us where we are right now, we don't seem o have time for them and why is that? because we lost touch with the world somehow. Everyone is running after money and how they can secure their lives. It's work and work and work and why have time for some old sick people who will eventually go any minute. For me , I kept dreaming one day that I would build a house big enough to house my parents and my lover's parents also. We wound take care of all of them and our future kids also. As tough or hard as it may be , that is our duty. they took care of us when we are young, we do the same for them when they are old. being at home with their family and grand kids around them
must be one zillion times better than setting in a house all alone. My dear love was so very understanding and I am sure had we been together, she would have been more of a daughter to my parents than a son's wife. She longed to meet my mom and even though they met on the net through net meeting I am sure it is a different case in reality. I wished so badly for the past 6 years that her parents would have accepted me as son but I never got anywhere close. I remember watching that movie (meet the parents) and we had a such a laugh at it that I was telling her (that movie is exactly about me and your dad). How I miss everything about her. Aِِِs one Palestinian poet recite in one of her famous poems
و كا ن , و كان
و غص القلب بالأحزان
(sorry, I can't say it in
English)
August 11, 2003
Ever get depressed? well here is a brand new product to solve your problem. try thinking of nothing and if you can manage to do it please teach me how. how silly is that. It's one of those days where I feel completely out of my head and into another dimension. Honestly what gets me more and more depressed is that I go out and I see couples together and I keep thinking of stuff like (oh look at how they are smiling with each other, or walking together, or talking and sharing thoughts ..etc) and then the thought of me comes to my mind and I see myself how far am I from being or having that condition or relation. having someone to turn to any time and share dreams and thoughts, laughter and tears, sharing a life with all of it's ups and downs , I would give anything to have that life. I remember years ago when I had this small thought in my head that someday I will meet the woman of my dreams and we will live happily ever after. With all what I had and all that I did to make myself busy , there was always an empty space that I never could fill. I traveled left and right thinking that I will meet someone but maybe luckily for me I am too shy to talk to girls and that has prevented me from have any relationships , the thought of that was scary but somehow I thought so much that I will meet someone. With my situation, I never knew how it would happen. One time in Paris, I took a boat tour and while passing under on of the many bridges, the tour guide mentioned that one king or somebody like that made this bridge as a wishing place and anyone passes under it and make a wish, it will happen within a year or so and when we passed , I wished that I would meet my future woman. Of coarse it never happened in a year but after many years. earlier than that, I read one time in magazine that on valentine day , if you light tow candles in front of a mirror and at a cretin hour of the day or night ( I cant remember how exactly) if you keep staring at that mirror, the face of your future woman would appear. Again, it never happened cause I tried it. I guess that was the kind of search someone like me would do instead of going out and meeting women. I just never knew or ever imagined that it would happened they way it did through the net. A simple hi in a chat room has completely turned my world upside down. I remember that moment so clearly . I was chatting or should I say in a whispering mood with three guys when she sent a whisper to me saying hi. and I was so happy that a girl is talking to me so one by one I left the others and I started talking to her. Six years down the line and I still can't imagine what happened and why it happed like that. 1998 was the year that I have gave up my search and decided to end it by going through an arranged marriage. I had one girl in my mind but I never spoke to anyone about it except my cousin who asked me so many times to talk to my parents so they would arrange it before someone else comes and asks for her hand but I kept refusing to do and I was just going to wait till the end of the year and if she was still free, then I would have asked for her hand. but guess what, four moths into the new year and there she was. looking back at all of what went on, I still think of why and I really wish to know why if there is anyone who can explain it to me. I could have been married with children and settled down and al of that crap. I am not saying that I hated it or wish it never happened. NO and a big no, I'll never ever regret meeting her not for a single second. with her I had the best laughs I ever had, truly from my heart. I was happy, I dreamt of our future and our kids, I dreamt of what I would do for her , I'll build her a house, I take her to all kind of places, I'll make her dreams come true . I never ever knew that I had all those feelings in me but with her everything hidden came out and it really amazed me of what a person I have become. But I just want to understand. Was this just a beautiful dream that had to end? was this a life experience if I should call it? was it a test?
The song (kite) by U2 says
It's somewhere I can taste
the salty sea
There's a kite blowing out of control on the breeze
I wonder what's gonna happen to you
You wonder what has happened to me
so what is next for us? I keep wondering how she is keeping and what is she doing? is she happy? is she sad? is someone comforting her?
I really wish I could scream for help, but whose is there to listen? I love you, I LOVE YOU, I love you , I don't want to stop saying it , I LOVE YOU
August 13, 2003
Say cheese...CLICK....alright..now go back to crying.. today I sat down and had a look at all the picture albums that I have, and I decided to buy one of those huge albums and put all pictures in there nice and tidy. going through all the pictures just brought back so many beautiful memories. I have a picture of me and My dearest friend when were about 13 or 14 years old ,setting on a bus after we went for a book fair exhibition. there was a picture of the whole school that I went to study English at in Bournemouth , England. that was my very first time in a foreign country. I remember when me, my cousin and a guy who we met on the plane and was heading to the same school as we were, flew into this new place and we were about to live a different life for one month. we got off the plane and somehow I felt that I am in charge. I have never ever been to a foreign country before but from watching the TV and movies I knew exactly where to go and what to do and strange enough I wasn't shy anymore. A man from the college was waiting for us and I spotted him because he had our names on a big sign. we drove about 45 minutes till we reached the small town and the first stop was my place. I was very scared and I was wishing that the people in the house were out and thankfully they were. each one of us was to live with an English family. then it was our new friend turn where he was met by his family and then my cousin. I was taken back to the college where they contacted the house lady who was at work and decided to pick me up after she finishes. while waiting , I went to have a look at the place. I walked to the small garden they have and I was so shocked to see two people in a deep kiss. for them its normal but for me who comes from this Islamic culture this was something out of this world. I turned my head the other way as it is rude to stare but I couldn't help just looking at their side every now and then. the lady arrived and she drove me home and on the way she asked me few questions about myself and I talked to her normally till she hit me with something , she said (hey, you are speaking English very well) and at that point I stopped talking and thought about it. I wasn't there to study English, I was there on a vacation, I just deiced to study because my cousin was doing it and to me it was fun. I don't know why but I kept a low profile on my English. The house was full of student. I was number 5 and I had the biggest room in the house. there was a Japanese girl, a Spanish girl, a Turkish man and a Swiss man. The family consisted of two parents and girl. they had a boy who was married and living somewhere but he used to come on weekends for dinner. the next day we went to school and went through an English test to decide our levels and I scored 97 out of 100. I remember when we went to take our results, the teacher looked at my cousin and gave him his level and classes then the same to my friend and they turned to me and said ( well, we are not sure about you but we will put you in level 4 and if you find it easy , let us know). I wasn't sure what level 4 was but why should I care. we started our classes the next day and I was very eager to see who are my class mates and to my shock and horror, my class consisted of 13 girls. Anyone else would have been so happy but for me it was so strange and scary as I have never ever dealt with the opposite sex and here I am alone in a class full of girls Japanese, Brazilian, Spanish, and French. Of coarse that was something that I had to brag about. what surprised me was as soon as the teacher began talking, all the girls reached into their bags and took out dictionaries and I didn't have anything. she was talking and writing few things and all the girl were searching through the dictionaries. they didn't understand fully as their level was still low. again , that didn't bother me at all. the next day I was helping the teacher teaching . sometimes we played games and the teacher would divide us into groups and the girls would be like ( hey I wan to be with Abdulla) and that made me feel so happy. by the end of the week the teacher asked me to go and see the head master as I was to be transferred to a higher level. she kept asking me about how and where I learned my English and she wouldn't believe that I learned here at home in government schools with Arabic teachers. by the end of the moth when I asked her she told me that they have never had an Arabic student who is at my level. I went from 4 to 3 and from 3 to 2 and I stayed there till the school finished. with the school came the activities and mostly the parties at night clubs. another first experience for us. I remember the first time we went to the night club with most the students from our college, we stood outside the dance floor looking at the people and it was really a cultural shock for us. we all had this urge to dance but each was shy from the other. I remember that my drink finished so I went to get another and when I came back my cousin and friend had gone. I looked left and right and I even went outside looking for them but no luck so I decided to wait by the dance floor and suddenly I noticed tow guys jumping up and down and every time I remember that scene I get a laugh cause it was so funny. one night the Spanish girl asked me if I want go out with her to a bar to meet her friend so I said yes. we went over to this big place which was like a restaurant and on one table sat about 8 or 9 girls and I sat with them. WOW, Abdulla is a lucky devil. BULLSHIT. (sorry for that). she only knew one girl of the lot and that one talked English very fluently. as usual, I was very quite and didn't interact with any of the girls but I was talking to this Spanish girl as I knew her. Our first trip to the ever so famous city of London was on our second week there. we went on a bus with two hours drive and once we reached there we were so amazed at this city that we kept hearing about. We had fun and went back with nice memories. by the end of my stay I remember that day before I left, the hose lady and her husband went on a vacation and left the place for their daughter. I was just coming down the stairs when the lady saw me and said goodbye and I just said by so she just came close and kissed me and I can remember how my face turned worst than a tomato. I've never been kissed on the cheeks before . well my mom when I was small and occasionally by friends or relatives (men only ) but that is our greetings here (doesn't mean we are gay ok) . it really shocked me and I didn't know what to say or reply. the next day early in the morning I was setting with the Spanish girl and we were talking about what we will do and how was our experience when the bell ran and my lift was outside, so I grabbed my bag and I looked at her and said goodbye when again she hugged me and kissed me. I smiled back and off I went. on the way to the airport I nearly throw-up. I was almost in tears and I didn't want to leave. A new feeling was coming over me , something that I never felt before. what was it? I never gave it much of a thought but it made me so sad. I came back from that trip and views of life changed so much. Sweet memories that will always be with me. And all of that from a picture. I laid that picture aside and went to get my secret bag where I hide all the special things and in there were the picture of you know who. yes someone so close to my heart. I kept looking at her pictures and once again the memories flooded my brain. how beautiful she was when she smiles, when she acts funny , when she poses like models , god why did all of that had to end. there was picture of me in a suite and I remember when I wore that she asked me of how our wedding night would be and asked me to act it out. so we stood by the door and it was like we entered the room then I had to close the door and somehow I got this idea in my head that the door should be looked and secured so I acted like I was locking the door in several ways from keys to slides to hammering wood on it and my god by that time both of us were on the ground laughing so hard. I don't know what would happen to the pictures. at some point I think I would just send it back to her and sometimes I think I would go personally and give her back cause sometimes in the future, whom ever I end up with, wont accept another woman in my life. and I don't have the heart to destroy anything. One of the pictures she gave me was a picture of her when she was about 2 years old and I kept looking at that one and her later pictures and I thought to myself (had that angle any idea of what would become of her) of coarse not and I guess no one knows but it's sad, it is really a sad sad situation.
August 17, 2003
It is 12:27 early Sunday morning (mid night is where the day begin) and i still can't sleep. Two days ago i received an email from my love with a song and a picture. She made this picture of her and me next to each other and named it ( our memories). I kept staring at her picture for a long time and somehow it was like seeing her for the first time. while the song played in the background i couldn't do anything but set here and cry. Unmanly maybe, but it felt good to let something out. I haven't replied back to her and somehow i may not. I don't see any point of it and most of all i don't know still of what to say. whenever i think about all of this i have this urge to break things around me and get my anger out . I started thinking about buying some of those dummies and beat the hell out of it . this is what some psychiatrist do with people who have anger problems. I kept looking at her picture and all I could think of is that i lost her, i lost her, i lost her. Some times i think at some point she will call back and say ( i was kidding ). but again what are the odds of that? ZERO.
Today i talked with my friend about this situation and strange but i found myself wanting to talk about what i feel and it felt good. someone else knows what i am going through. I don't usually like to discuss my problems and feeling with anyone but i did a little today and i wish i can do it a bit more often. I know it is hard and it will take a long time to heal or to forget but the problem is that i know for sure things will not get any better for me. Its not just a feeling but it is something that i know so well and i have no idea how long will i be able to hold on. I was trying to run away for 3 or 4 days out of here but it seems even that wont happen and i will spend my holiday just stuffed inside this city ,talking to the same people , doing the same things . At some points i think of so seriously that Allah should take me away as i am absolutely useless in this life so what is the point. who will miss me ? life always goes on and people continue to live with or without me.
August 19, 2003
It is 2:08 in the morning and i don't feel much sleepy. Today (or should i say yesterday) has been quite a busy day for me. I got few calls in the morning from the company and i didnt answer but when i finaly did, it turned out to be one of the guys who was in need of some money. I met him an hour later to lend him some money and to my surprise i saw that he has a new BMW . It really amazed me and i am not going to say anything more. later on that day i went home for lunch only to find out that i became an uncle. My brother just had a baby boy. Of coarse when i say my brother i mean his wife. somehow i knew he decision of that day and by 5:30 we were all in our cars heading to Al-Ain to see the new born. we walked in and my brother's in laws were there and the little angle was sleeping. As his grandfather was saying ( he is charging himself so as soon ass the parents go to sleep he wakes up). I can't say i would babies and whom do they look like. I can only say that my sister's kid was the only one i managed to see a resemblance of me but my brother's kid is still to young but already the discussion of (he's got his father's eyes and mothers hands and bla bla bla) I can never understand that. I sat in that room directly opposite the bed of my brother's wife and i was too embarrassed to look around. her mom and sisters were there plus her father and cousin and uncle. till date , i haven't even spoken to her normally. I still have this shyness in me and i feel a bit scared but i don't know why. I don't talk to my brother and i am sure she must have a wrong or a bad impression of me and i wish that would change except i know it wont as my only way to appeal to people is to make them laugh but how i lost that now. I sat there so quite and not knowing what to say and what to do. At cretin points i feel so ashamed of myself . Of coarse how would all of that make me feel? going worst and worst. I kept looking at the baby and i kept thinking of Norah. Yes Norah, the future daughter that we dreamt about. So far we have two boys in the family and my sister is pregnant again and who knows, i really hope it is a girl but as my mom said she dreamt that my first born would be a girl and i really wish that would come true as i have this big passion for a baby girl. I wish i could be the first to have a baby girl but as my time hasn't come yet i will pray that my sister have one. and the depression go on and on. It was really hard to keep a smile in that room and i kept feeling very bad but when i realize that i am looking sad i smile quickly so no one would notice. what is going to happen? I've never asked for much, I've never hurt anyone or at least i hope i never had, I've always tired to help and be good as best as i could, so what am i doing wrong or what have i done wrong? was it wrong to fall in love? should i have listened to my friends and family to forget and find someone from here? To me that is quite like giving up a dream. why should i give it up? and how would i know it would fail if i don't try? everything went in vain.
August 22, 2003
just about 10 minutes after midnight and here I am once again on a weekend all alone in this apartment which is beginning to kill me softly. Me and my friend were suppose to go to Oman on Wednesday but at his request we delayed it till tomorrow but my mom has a doctor's appointment on Saturday afternoon so I will delay it till then and as soon as I drop her home , I will be on my way out of here. One of my cousins came over for a visit tonight and just came from a trip to Iran and Morocco and tomorrow he is going to Saudi for 4 days visiting several cities on the way. Its very strange how things turned out now as i was the only traveler in the family and now i am setting here and watching others going and coming and i can't make any move. I love traveling so much and there are so many places that I want to go and see but i guess for the time being , i have to stop dreaming. I had my fun in the past and its now time to look at my gloomy future. I've been quite depressed the past two days that I haven't left the apartment . I just go for lunch and dinner at my parent's place and then come back here either on the net or watching TV . Last night and tonight i tried going out for a drive but after 15 minutes or so i change my mind and come back here. you might wonder, where are my friends, well, I don't have any. The only friend i have is someone who is so obsessed with money and how to get rich and become a millionaire and with that i get all his problems and somehow he has got it in his head that I am his assistant now and he wants me to be involved into his project and making decisions and I quite hate that. I am so fed up with listening about problems from people. Honestly i dread the day i go back to work in one week cause i am sure there will be a line up to tell me all the nice problems everyone had during my leave. Right now i am faced with a very difficult decision which is stay in this company for one year till i finish my school or make the move and skip school . I am so tired and i hate this job and this company so much. As you can see i complain a lot as if i am the only one who is feeling that way. what can i say , i don't have anyone one to share my problems with. She has vanished away. The only one who listened to me and comforted me . Yes, i still dream about her. i still close my eyes and see her smiling. I still day dream about her walking in front of me , talking, working, even just lying in my arms and resting her head and i keep holding her tightly and telling her that i will take care of her . then of coarse the day dream vanishes and I wake up to reality. I really don't know of what to say more than of what i said. My heart is longing for her so badly. I wish my phone would ring and her voice would be on the other line telling me that everything will be alright. ( i am only for you, I am not going to give you up) she used to tell me. I remember the first time she hugged me and cried saying that she is scared that we wont be for each other, and i comforted her saying why not . I wanted to make her dreams come true, make her happy , get her away from her world and her problems , live our own lives with our own rules , just be together and survive. I want you back if you can hear me. my heart is shouting and aching from pain. I need you please , i am begging you please come back to me. Don't let me walk alone, don't walk away from me. where has all your promises gone? I know you love me so much and i know you need me so much so why let me go? WHY WHY WHY HWYWHYWHWYHWYWYHW.
August 23, 2003
Why are we alive? or what is the reason for our existence? Even though I should know the answer to this question being a Muslim, but still at some point i don't see any point of me being here or any of us for that matter. Allah said in the holy Quran (وما خلقت الجن والأنس الا ليعبدون ) . In English that means that Allah created humans and Genies to worship him. That is what we were taught and that is what we believe in as Allah is our creator , he gave us life and in return we are to worship him and do what he asks of us like prayer, fasting , doing good and staying away from anything that he forbidden us to do. Yet, sometimes when i am out in one of the centers and i see people are wondering about and people buying stuff and others setting an eating and so on , and i keep thinking ( is this it?) i mean is this how life would be and should be? isn't there anything more? and if there is what is it? then of coarse what do i want?? I haven't the slightest clue. The past two days i sat around the apartment wondering where to go and what to do. I found myself clueless about the whole thing. what is there to do ? I can be out with friends but where to? another coffee shop? what's the big deal and fun about that? I remember one comedian female talking in one of her acts about what to do with i think murderers? sentencing them to death is an easy way out so the best sentence for them is to live. as she puts it ( another 20 years of "where do you want to eat?". " I don't know , where do you want to eat?". " I don't know, where do you want to eat?"). that is what happened to me tonight as i was going around in my car and thinking WHERE THE HELL DO I WANT TO EAT? I thought of all the restaurants but nothing came to mind. in the end i came back here and made some scrambled eggs and ended the whole thought. I keep thinking so much abut my life and how it went so far. have i done good or have i done bad? and what is next? Tonight i had talk with my business man friend who told me that he made business cards for me for the new advertising company he is doing and my title is ( a legal accountant), and i have no clue what is accounting and how it is done but he wants me to learn. It is not that i would refuse the job but it is because i don't have time. in one week time, my college will start and my days will be 7-2 at work and 3-8 at college which leaves me hardly enough time to breath a little and study and do home work so how can i do that? he is suggestion is to come on the weekend and do it. Great , so i will be working on the weekends, when will i rest? when will i have time for myself? at some point in the future i will have a family and i would want to spend time with them. but he doesn't seem to see that as to him , work and work and work and get money that is the important thing. As i said earlier in one of my previous writings, one reason for us being here is to work and work and work and after that work a bit more. Anyway, this is my final writing for tonight a i will be traveling to Oman for 3 r 4 days but i will try to connect somehow and probably post everything when i come back. (or should i say, IF i come back inshalla).
August 23, 2003
Well here we are at last in Masqat the capital of Oman. We are at the Grand Hyatt which is brand new to me and it is a massive Hotel with beautiful designs. The trip took us about 5 hours as we moved late from home and we had few stops along the way. We reached here by 9:00 and my friend was totally out. This is his first time out of the country and his phone didn’t stop ringing as everyone was worried about him and quite surprised that he left the country for the first time. It is quite nice to have someone worrying about you. Sometimes we say that we are grown up and we don’t want anyone to worry about us but somehow deep inside we do as it makes us feel that someone out there cares. Lucky him I would say. His new love is calling and asking and was sad that he left and he is thinking of her a lot and wishing that I would change my mind and go back home. I keep looking at him and thinking about the one who used to be mine. How she acted with me. The very first time when we met and in the woods behind the library, we kissed goodbye and I left and I stopped at some point and looked back only to see her wiping her tears away as she went inside. I couldn’t help a tear flooding my eyes. I remember how I flew back home all the way trying so hard to keep myself from crying even the air hostess started asking me if I was ok. Being away from the one you love is very hard. Who doesn’t know that? I remember the times when she used to ask me to say and not leave and every time I go and see her, the same thing happens and I depart and tears start flowing. I wish I could tell her that I never wanted to leave. I never wanted to leave her alone, I never wanted to be far away from her and I never wanted to see tears in her eyes. I never wanted her to feel bad that way I never wanted to hurt her but I guess I never knew how things would turn out and how would I know. The more I think of this the more I just wish I could fly away and see her face to face and god knows what I might do. Breaking up is never easy I know, but again I have this big emptiness now that I don’t know how to fill. What is there for me in this life? …………….a big nothing
August 25, 2003
Once again here I am writing down few more stuff about this trip. Let me just speak about our first day and then I will go on to my second one and last. (short trip aih?)On Saturday mom had an appointment with the doctors and as soon as she finished, I dropped her home and I went and picked up my friend. We headed to the boarders where it seemed to me that my friend has never been to that area and true as it was because this was his first time out of the country. He kept looking at the mountains and marveling at the sight . it took us just about an hour till we reached the borders and he was so excited as he was expecting the first stamp on his passport but to our or should I say his disappointment , no stamping was required. So we kept on driving as we nedded about 4 hours to reach the capital here. During the way I could see signs of trouble but I hoped all will go well when we reach here. He was asking that we should stay in one bedroom but I didn’t want that cause he is a smoker and he wants to speak to his girl privetly and more over , he snores and that bothers me a lot. After many discussions we decided to stay together but at the hotel all changed thankfully. Along that was the feeling of guilt that has became over him as he was leaving his ill father and to make it worst, he told his father that he is on the way to Oman but his father called up later asking if he is coming to se him. Pretty sad . so that messed up his mind and then again the calls kept coming from friends and families and I had to speak with his mom who was very worried about him as it was his first time out so I reassured her that i will bring him back safely. More over, phone calls from work partners kept coming and he ignored some and replied to some and kept talking to me about what might happened while he is away and he went on and one about work and business and money till I got so fed up and asked him to forge about work as we are on a holiday so we should enjoy it and leave work behind but that only stopped for a while. By the time we reached the hotel he was fast a sleep and snoring loudly. He woke up and stayed in the car while I went to see if can get a booking. Once that was done we got our bags and in we went. The first complaint was from the room levels. Why are they on the third level not higher? And then he wanted a sea side view. Like I knew all of that but I talked him into accepting this and that is it. The rooms are accessed using cards and here we go with another so difficult problem for a grown up. He didn’t have a clue of how to use the card and I had to teach him. As the card is used to connect the electricity in the room he forgot to remove it only 20 minutes later as he came to my room asking for help. He had the shower water on and he was filling the bath tub and when I entered his room the bathroom looks like it has been hit by a hurricane. I have never ever met someone even a child that takes shower like that. Anyway, later on after relaxing, we went out for dinner and we managed to find a Lebanese restaurant (Automatic) and to my surprise, it was the same one I had dinner in 5 years ago. Dinner was nice and as soon as it was done we were full and headed back her to relax for the night. That night or should I say last night, I couldn’t sleep well. My problem was the bed and the cover. The cover was very heavy that it made feel hot and if I leave it , the place becomes cold so it was some kind of a struggle but in the end I woke up by 7:30 and stayed awake till about 9:00 when I called my friend and woke him up to have breakfast.
We went downstairs and it was buffet. As usual, he started ordering like crazy. First it was the soup and he filled a plate with sausages and strange looking things then he went and ordered one omelet along with baked cake only to finish it and order once more and tea plus a soup and some veggies in the end. For me I just had a cup of coffee, an omelet plus tow pieces of toast and an orange juice. After that heavy meal he wanted to go to his room and sleep. I came over with him and I continued talking to him so he would get dressed and we can go out. During our stay in his room, it was business and phone calls again. Then we went out and had a drive around and took some pictures then went back to the hotel as most shops closed for the afternoon. He came back here saying he would sleep so I left him and I went out for a walk on the beach. The weather wasn’t so bad and some nice wind blowing, I walked about one kilometer and back. By that time he called me saying he too would come to the beach but after 30 minutes of wait he turned out to be somewhere else as he got lost. I have no idea how would a person residing on a beach front hotel, can loose the beach?? But anyway it is his first time. I went back to my room and had a shower then we left to the market. To my surprise , the parking meter system has been introduced here. We managed to get some change then had a walk in the market where it was quite in some parts and busy on the other. Our main target is to find some of the famous Omani sweets. We managed to find one place but it wasn’t up to the standard he was looking for. We asked around and we were told about a place very famous so we went hunting for it. Before that, we stopped at their city center which wasn’t bad and we had dinner at chilies. From there we shot to find that sweets place where me managed to find it and we are going tomorrow to buy some. On the way back, more talk about business and his friends and his problems then something happened which made his so upset and me too as we played a song which for both of us made was so heartbreaking. He kept thinking about his love and I was thinking about mine and trying my best not to cry. He was quite for a while then he started to talk about himself and how people are dependent on him and how he helps an what he can do and more problems and problem till I got fed up and that is when I decided tomorrow we might go home cause I cant take this much longer. We reached the hotel and he went to his bedroom and I went to see the reception as I was trying to surprise him with trip to the green mountain. After that I went to try and find a barber as I wanted a hair cut but I couldn’t find one and then he called asking me to come back as he is feeling scared alone here. He asked me to buy him some burgers and drinks. I came back here and I offered him the offer of going to the green mountain and how much is the coast or going back home. He got a little furious when i asked him if he is welling to spend money and kept saying that he doesn’t care much and I should take to him about money and blab la bla but when he found out that we might need to stay here for two more nights things changed and thankfully we are going home tomorrow. In away I think he felt that I was upset but I managed to convince him of the opposite and why we should go back. Now here I am, I just had a very late club sandwich dinner and I guess I will go to bed and finish the night. I felt so relaxed at last when I got here but I guess nothing last forever. I will think a zillion times before I take him with me in a trip. He wants me to take him everywhere but he doesn’t understand that at some point and the way his life is going, he won’t be able to go where he wants as he will be working and working and working. Of coarse he is expecting me to be the same as we know, there is nothing more important than money.
August 26, 2003
Well, back home finally. I have to admit that i am glad that we decided to come back as it has ended the agony of problems and headaches for me. I no longer have to look after my friend and i no longer need to listen to headaches about business and money. Surprisingly, his family and especially his mom was so happy to see him back and all of this because it is his first time out of the country and he is 34 years old, everyone was surprised at him and everyone asked me and especially his mom thanked me for doing this. Now it looks like that i became some kind of a star for them and this is like big news for the whole family and i might meet the father soon. God, it dose make me want to laugh at life. I came here and showered and had some food and i have no idea what happened but i just fell asleep. I was soo tired and i couldn't even fight it off so i slept for three hours and woke up nice an fresh. I called home and arranged for dinner and i went over there where mom was setting and looking really great thank god for that. i checked her blood sugar records for the past tow days and it has been great. On the way back this morning we stopped at the sweets factory so i bought five jars and one of them i gave it to my cousin who in return had some gifts for me he brought back from India when he went with his father for the eye operation. I was so happy to have that. last week i was reading my horoscope and it said that i will get on Monday sum of money worth almost 60000 and i got a gift which in turns to me is more valuable than 6000. This is all i want to know is that someone is thinking of me and it makes me feel good. really is that all we need? to know that someone out there think of us and loves us? if it mad me feel good then yeah why not. I do feel a bit on the down side but i am not going to write about it as i am not sure of what to say. I'll just go to sleep and hopefully the morning will clear it away.
August 27, 2003
Sad, sadder and saddest. When is enough is enough? I spent the first part of my twenties searching for the one who will share my life, and when I found her , I spent the second half trying to get her but i failed. So what is next? should i go on and look again? should I just go back to her and try to work things out? should i just forget everything about women and try and occupy myself with anything? The problem is that I go out and i see people together and that is when it hits me so badly of how or what I have done so far in my life. absolutely NOTHING. I see myself staring at couples talking or walking and holding hands and i just start day dreaming that i am that person and my love is next to me and we are living like any normal couples , no worries and no fears. I keep thinking of how those couples love each other from the way they look at each other and hold hands smiling happily. what have I done wrong? How come i am not there? why don't I have a life? Can you hear me calling? where are you? why does it have to end this way? ... and yet silence is all that is left to hear. At some point I had a clear vision of how i want my future to be , but now everything is a mess. I don't know of what i am doing and where i am heading. so much confused feeling sand so much emotions running inside me that i am so afraid to make any decision. leave school? stay at school? leave work? stay at work? run away? kill myself? start a nuclear war? blow out the day lights out of all parents? fly away and see my love and talk to her? maybe become a monk and live on mountain somewhere? join some kind of organization and go and help people somewhere in Africa or other parts of the world? maybe that would make me feel that i have done something with my miserable life. at some points i started wishing that i was a cold hearted human with no feelings or emotions. maybe that would have been much better. i could go on with my life with no fears of anything but i am not. I am someone who is still in love with someone . I am someone who still finds it hard to accept that i lost her. not see her again? not listen to her voice anymore? not hear her laughter? not be by her side? not look into her eyes? not touch her cute small hands? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..IMPOSSIBLE. I wish this nightmare ends, I WISH , I WISH , I WISH.......
August 29, 2003
Well, Back to normal mood and i am so glad and feeling quite relaxed. yesterday I thought of having a good afternoon. I was at home for lunch and watching the comedy movie ( murder by death) and by 4:00 i came back here. Now a days i find it very relaxing to set and listen to Islamic lectures and really it widens my eyes on so many things and makes me more comfortable with my problems. I only started to listen to one when the phone rang and it was my family wanting to go and visit my brother's in-laws and visit the new baby Ibrahim. I took them there and after dropping them i went to a mall near by and waited for my friend who came about an hour and a half later. during that time i went to a coffee shop just facing the escalator and sat drinking some lemonade. During that time i watched people come and go up and down in and out. it was really a nice enjoyable time. There were girls after boys and boys after girls, there were guys walking together (some holding hands ..eeee) and also girls walking and laughing so much , there were couples old and young , some with their kids again old and young. it was such a sight . I kept looking at their faces and trying to guess from their expression of what they are thinking. Many of them are there to walk around and not shop. others are there for some coffee and maybe a movie. the poor shops over there are buying and selling from each other i guess. it seems that the purpose of the malls in here is for a nice walk only. With heat wave outside , it is normal . But to me the funny thing about it is that , what is the purpose of all of this? got nothing to do lets walk in the mall. or let us window shop. or let us set somewhere and watch people as i was doing. Anyway later on my friend came and we had some drinks and then went for dinner in the same place. while we were having dinner my phone rang and it was my brother's father -in-law who was waiting for me for dinner. i had a tough time to convince him to have it and not wait for me. in a way it was rude to do so, but i didn't want to set there all alone with him as i am not a good speaker and i don't have anything to say. In the end i had to go and set with them for a while and that was when i first go to hold my new nephew. A tiny piece of meat i would say, no bones yet. He was sleeping so beautifully and i kept staring at him . i wished he would open his eyes. I thought maybe in few months he would start calling me uncle. The other nephew was also there running havoc all around and every now and then he would call on me to clap pr wanting me to answer him and any sort of way and the father-in-law was very surprised and he doesn't mention his father's name like he does to mine. I told him that in the future this new nephew would do the same. It was so lovely. a single baby gathered two families around. He must be blessed but i couldn't help just wonder what has the future in store for him. I hope all well and i hope i am a life to see that. after all, i am the Uncle and i have to spoil them. I love babies, i love babies to death so before i start in another mood let me run off and go to sleep. and for all babies out there, my prayers are for all of you. LOVE YOU ALL.
August 30, 2003 
Finally, the vacation has ended and back to work tomorrow. Really a bit of mixed feelings about it as I don't want to go back but I am anxious to see what has happened during my absence. I know there have been quite few changes and most of it has been very pleasant for a lot of people but I am not sure of how long will it lasts and what other changes will be made and most of all how will it effect me and my position. Because of the situation of my parents, I am hesitating so much in moving to another city for work but somehow I made up my mind last Tuesday and I got all my papers and resume ready to go and apply but then again I hesitated about it. We have something called (khirah) which is like asking Allah to choose. It can be done with prayer or even asking someone Sheikhs ( Muslim scholars) to do it . I found a place on the net that day and I tired it and my answer was to wait. So as I asked Allah to choose for me I will just follow cause I do feel relaxed with the decision and I guess I will continue my school as long as I am here until further notice or till the end of this year maybe. There has been so much on my mind today especially about the other job my friend wanting me to do and he did ask me if I am willing to leave my job if he will give me a higher salary which is something to consider but for the time being it will be big no. Somehow i see myself Turning to be like my father. All he does it set alone most of the time and think and god knows about what and now i see myself doing the same thing. I HATE IT. Its very strange how the pleasures of life are all around and it's like a magnet that keeps attracting anyone as everyone has some kind of a problem and with a little bit of this or that problems can be solved even thought it is wrong. My friend gets pissed of with me when i talk to him about right and wrong and I have to admit that some times i hate myself for thinking like that but this is what i was taught. This of my after life before this life. I am trying not do wrong , trying to better myself and somehow a lot of people think that this is strange or queer thinking. all of this has made me set on one side and the others on one side. I have a friend who keeps asking me to take him to bars or discos and when i refuse he keeps saying that we are young and we should enjoy our lives and what i am doing is depressing myself more and more and i should be more opened to life and experience. I wish i can make him see how wrong he is about life and experience but somehow is very right about depression. I don't do much here and i don't go out much . A while ago i was talking to another friend who was thinking of working for 18 hours a day and somehow the idea has gotten into my head . What am i doing here but sleeping and watching TV so instead why not work? work at night or after school , so it will be work in the morning , school then another work. who knows , that could be the answer, but what kind of work?????????....... anyway, i guess as usual , I will have to wait and see what will turn up in the coming few months and who knows......
