Hey, Joe Bob Briggs, and tonight we have the movie that catapulted "Spin City's" Barry Bostwick and the gorgeous Kim Delaney from "NYPD Blue" into television stardom. I'm talking about, of course -- the actor's dream -- "Project Metalbeast."
You know, I have this friend named Earl who always tells me "Never date an actress, Joe Bob." And I LIKE actresses. I really do. I mean, I REALLY like actresses. So I say, "Why shouldn't I date actresses?" And he says, "Because they're selfish. They're only concerned with their own career. They're fruitcakes. They're worryin about parts all the time. They're flighty. They're fickle. Just take my word for it, Joe Bob. Actresses -- uh-uh. No way. Don't do it."
And then I have this other friend named Frankie who tells me, "Don't get involved with divorced women, Joe Bob." And I tell him, "But I'm a divorced MAN." And he says, "It doesn't matter, Joe Bob. Divorced man, he forgets everthing that happened to him in the last bad marriage he was in. Divorced WOMAN, she remembers ever dang thing the guy did to her, and then as soon as you do somethin even slightly RESEMBLIN what the other guy did to her, she nukes you. Stay away from em, Joe Bob. They're mad, they're crazed, they're bitchy. Underneath they're simmerin with the idea that all men are JERKS. And it's just a matter of time till YOU are a jerk."
And so I start thinkin to myself, "Shoot, maybe he's right." I even have a friend named Bobby who says, "If you really wanna be happy, Joe Bob, only date international women. Especially the ones that just got off the boat. The ones hangin around the bars TRYING to meet American men. They're gonna compare you to some drunk unemployed weasel named Raoul in the old country, and they'll think you're a KING. You're exotic. Try the ones from the Third World -- Sri Lanka, Brazil, places like that. Also, they never get fat."
But what I don't understand is, how come everybody else knows all these rules and I've never heard ANY of em? Where do you go to learn this stuff? I know there's a school somewhere, because at least ten different people have recited to me the "Never date an actress" speech. I've also heard "Never date a woman with children," "Never date a woman who likes to talk on the phone more than five minutes at a time," and "Never date a woman with artificial hooters." Personally, I don't mind stunt breasts, as long as they're done in good taste, but the idea is that a woman who would actually go to a doctor's office and say, "Here, saw away on my chest for a while," is gonna be tough to deal with when you get down to the nitty gritty. I don't know about that. I don't know about any of it.
Anyhow, speaking of actresses, divorced women with children, and so forth -- we got that very thing tonight -- it's Kim Delaney! And Kim is in the middle of her experiments with synthetic tin-foil skin when Barry Bostwick gives her a cadaver to experiment on -- a cadaver with werewolf blood in it, brought in specially from Hungary by the CIA for the use of creating superior combat agents. Don't worry, you get most of this right up front. We'll do the drive-in totals later. Check it out, and I'll be here with you.
[fading] Kim Delaney, former teenage covergirl. That's one of the rules, right? Never date a model. Who makes these rules? They need to be revised. Actually, I agree with that one. Unless it's a nude model. Topless dancer, great marriage material.
"If you inject this into a human,
their blood will putrefy into pus, their body will swell up like a
balloon, accompanied by vomiting and fever, and resulting in a horrifying
death." Yeah, can't wait for that scene. But it's worth it, right? Cause
the guy who just shot hisself up with the werewolf blood will be a new
kind of warrior -- with the instincts of an animal, and the brain of a
man. "I'm going to live forever!" Is there a rule somewhere that says
werewolves live forever? Do werewolves get old, lose their fur and lie
around chewin their butts after a certain amount of time? I'll have to
look into that. Here's those drive-in totals.
We have:
Nine dead bodies.
One reanimated body.
Two dead beasts.
One fuzzy wangdoodle.
Gooey arm
covered in worms.
Multiple werewolf attacks.
Needle to the inner thigh.
Stomach-ripping.
Steel rod through the foot.
Torpedo through the leg.
Exploding beast.
Werewolf-cam.
Gratuitous chef.
Bazooka fu.
Two and a half
stars. Okay, commercials and then back to the flick.
[fading] That's Barry Bostwick, of course, as Colonel Miller. On the very popular "Spin City" these days, playing the idiot mayor. Did you notice the guy with the burr haircut, who injects himself with the serum, sometimes they call him Fowler, and sometimes they call him Butler? See, that's what happens when you don't use pink paper when you make your script changes, right guys? The writer goes, I think Butler is a better name for this character, but you forget to tell half the cast. Hey, we're all human -- it can happen.
"You'll be indestructible, and under my control." This flick is just making up rules as it goes along, isn't it? How is Butler's body gonna be in Barry Bostwick's control? Is there some kinda remote control mechanism on CIA werewolf warriors? Kim Delaney has joined the picture -- that's good news. Kim made "Project Metalbeast" right before she got the part in "NYPD Blue." So this was obviously the key turning point in her career. Barry Bostwick, too -- he got "Spin City" right after this. He was a big hit in the original production of "Grease" on Broadway, and then, of course, in the mega-cult smash, The Rocky Horror Picture Show back in 1975, and then he just couldn't get his career on track. Spent years doing B-movies and made-for-the-Lifetime-Network flicks. And then there was "Project Metalbeast," Barry Bostwick's big break-through role that caused everyone to notice him again. All right, roll the ads and let's get back to it.
[fading] What are we goin for here? Skin of steel, right? Steel skin attached to frozen cadavers for ill-defined military uses. Is that what's happening here? Well, that's as close as I can come at this point.
So Debbie the researcher finds a tiny speck of dirt and traces it to the Danube River near Budapest. What a genius that Debbie is. But where'd they get that guy who plays the General? Is that the wimpiest General you've ever seen? They obviously spent all their money on Kim Delaney and Barry Bostwick, and had to hire out of the acting schools for that one. Okay, so Butler is alive -- that was pretty good scene, with the blood rising up out of the bullet holes. Very "E.R." That followed the complicated "I can't believe we had peanut butter and jelly for dinner" time-lapse. Whoa, were they trying to save money with THIS one? All right, let's continue, after the ads.
[fading] South African actress Musetta Vander as Debbie, the sexy lab whiz and dirt clod expert. Don't you love the way Kim Delaney stands up to the evil CIA guy? "That's immoral, Colonel."
Am I wrong, or is there a little subtext action going on between Kim Delaney and Musetta Vander? Never mind, the high sheriffs don't like me to talk about that stuff. Hey, how come in movies, when somebody's working on a computer, the computer screen never looks like a real computer screen? You guys ever notice that? It always looks like what the 1970s version of what we thought computer screens would look like in the future, you know what I'm talking about? Hey, speaking of computers, lemme give out the "MonsterVision" website address. It's tnt.turner.com/joebob. And while I'm at it, my e-mail address is joebob@turner.com, if you want to write in. Okay, I don't wanna hold up this great movie, so let's do get the ads out of the way and continue with "Project Metalbeast."
[fading] I should give the snail mail address, too. Care of TNT, 1010 Techwood Drive, Atlanta, Georgia 30318. Why was Barry Bostwick suddenly sympathetic to the reanimated guy? "Can't you give him a painkiller?" Wasn't he torturing him about five minutes before that? That's why he peed on that guy's shoes.
[fading] Barry Bostwick bonds with the barbecued beast. You like that alliteration? It does look barbecued, doesn't it? That skin doesn't look particularly hard to me, though. They need to pop back onto the grill for a few more minutes, get it REALLY crusty.
[fading] How come Roger couldn't just stab the hypodermic in the beast's FACE? I was lookin at AT LEAST three, four square inches of human skin. You guys know who plays the beast, right? Kane Hodder! Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th parts seven through nine. Also played the human pizza in House 4, remember when we showed that here? Kane is a Hollywood stuntman who specializes in deformed, hirsute monster killers. Go Kane!
Anyhoo, you know what's on "MonsterVision" next week, is The Dead Zone, Stephen King meets David Cronenberg meets Christopher Walken. Good flick, so check it out.
That's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that when you do a good deed, get a receipt . . . in case heaven is the like IRS.
You guys hear about Jerry, the guy who's hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie? He's especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos. After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. The producer tells him that the music was for a porno flick that would be out in a month, and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it. A month later, Jerry goes to the theatre, with his collar up and a pair of glasses on. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seemed to be disguised and hiding.
The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever . . . group sex, S&M, things I can't even mention on TNT, and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with everybody in flick. Jerry is embarrassed, and turns to the old couple and whispers, "I'm only here for the music." The woman turns to Jerry and whispers back, "That's okay, we're just here to see our dog."
Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.
[fading] What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.
What has four legs and one ear? Mike Tyson's pit bull.
What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker? "Hop in."