Monstervision Host Segments for

House 4: Home Deadly Home (1991)

"House IV" Intro

"I'm Joe Bob Briggs, and we've got the disgusting "House IV" coming up. And since it's officially Valentine's Day for movie numero two-o, we have the sensitive romantic tale "Hidden II," about an alien cop who drags his love-interest around while he chases an alien criminal around a disco.

House 4 pictureBut to reflect our first flick, tonight's theme is "The Joys of Home Ownership." Which leads me to my first topic: Have you ever met a person who can CHOOSE where he wants to live? I don't mean he chooses a house. I mean he goes out thinking: "You know what? I wanna study every single city in America--or even the world--and decide which one is PERFECT for my personal lifestyle." He doesn't get transferred there for a job. He doesn't start a business there. He doesn't have any family there. He just wants to LIVE there--to surround himself with something he can soak up into his bones to make himself feel better.

I meet these people all the time. Most of em are rich people, cause that's the only kind of person who's not tied down in some way. They're sick of living on the Upper East Side of New York, or in Beverly Hills, or in the Highland Park section of Dallas, and so they get out the old Rand-McNally and start searching for . . . I'm not exactly sure WHAT they're searching for. One thing they want is Scenery. They like Landscapes out their windows. They like the high mountain desert around Sedona, Arizona, or Santa Fe, New Mexico. They like Jackson Hole, Wyoming. They like Florida, but only the obscure parts, on the Gulf side, where they can build a house that has an unobstructed view of the ocean.

The next thing they want is a picturesque little town, the kind that's filled up with artists and boutique owners. It doesn't matter whether the artists and boutique owners ever sell anything. What matters is that the 1890s gas lamps and the crooked, winding cobbled streets are kept in good repair. It's something for the newcomer to look at, not to use. And they want Land. They're always attracted to the kinds of places where you can get a thousand acres for a hunnerd bucks an acre, you have creeks on your property, and you back up against a national park.

They want a House, of course. The House has to be perfect. It has to have a 360-degree view of the valley, the mountain, the cascades, the game farm or whatever else there is to see out there. It has to be a totally self-contained pod, with rooms for the kids, rooms for the wife, rooms for the little business he continues to dabble in, game rooms, home entertainment rooms, all kinds of rooms. And then there are a few things they don't want. They don't want interstate highways. They don't want fast-food chains. They don't want a Wal-Mart shopping center. And they don't want neighbors. They've searched the world over for the town that's unspoiled, untroubled, a clean oasis in a crumbling world. But they're NOT SO SURE about the people who have been there a hundred years, preserving the place. Those people occasionally think: "You know, we're tired of the winding two-lane road. Maybe we WOULD like an interstate around here." But those people are not what the newcomer came for. He came for the afternoon view and the double martini in front of the fireplace. But I diverge. It's time for "House IV"--and what happened to House 3, I missed "House 3," I'm supposed to be the expert and they keep sneakin these things by me. Anyhow, "House IV" is about this woman who goes to live in an old house with her handicapped daughter after her husband gets killed in a car wreck, but it's that same house from the first movie where there's reality warps everywhere and bloody faucets and talking pizzas that vomit goo all over your face. There's a coupla of great grossout scenes in this thing, but I don't want to give em away, so let's do the drive-in totals. We have:

Three dead bodies.
Two breasts, cut right out.
Exploding car.
Exploding flashlight.
Bed stabbing.
Pizza stabbing.
Bloody shower.
Midget mucus-sucking.
Paraplegic stair-rolling.
Eyeball poking.
Crispy William Katt.
Doggie-lamp Fu.
Mucus Fu.
Three and a half stars. Check it out, and later on the TNT Mail Girl will join me while I answer your real estate questions.

[fading] I'm all studied up. I read "Real Estate for Dummies." Took the test, got a D-plus. Where I come from, that's still passing."


"House IV" Commercial Break #1

"Whoa, how NASTY was that charred up body? I don't know what kinda life-support they have at that hospital, but it must be pretty dang good to keep THAT burnt piece of toast alive. I've seen healthier tidbits at the bottom of my oven. Anyway, I figured out what the heck happened to "House 3." "House 3" wasn't supposed to be a sequel to "House 2," but the European distributors thought that it would make more money if they called it "House 3." In America, though, they called it "The Horror Show." But then when they made the fourth one, which IS a sequel to the first one--kinda--they couldn't call it "House 3" cause there was already a "House 3" in Europe. So then they put out the third one on video as "House 3: The Horror Show." All clear? See, William Katt--who's done some great flicks, like Carrie, "Big Wednesday," "Problem Child 3" . . . actually, scratch that last one. Not a great flick. Anyhow, William Katt was in the first House. Except he was married to Kay Lenz and had a little boy. And now he's married to Terri Treas and has a 12-year-old daughter. But besides that--this IS a sequel. Okay, you know what? None of this makes sense, does it? Let's just roll the flick.

[fading] All that, and I didn't even get to cover any real estate questions. Okay, next break we get Rusty out here and I give you tips on home ownership. And as you can see, I AM an expert. Since I've owned it, this trailer has appreciated by . . . tens of dollars."


"House IV" Commercial Break #2

"Was that blood coming out of that faucet, or used motor oil, or what? Terri Treas is living in a house that heals wounds and gives you nightmares of your crispy husband. I would NOT wanna live there. Unless the TNT Mail Girl is living there, then say the word. And speaking of whom [enters], Rusty's here to help me with tonight's special feature. I'm calling it "Ask Joe Bob," and I'll be fielding the real estate questions you guys have written in.

MAIL GIRL: You sure you know what you're doing?

Heck, yeah, I know what I'm doing. I spent the whole day yesterday studying up for this.

MAIL GIRL: Oh, the whole day, huh?

Well, my whole lunch hour.

MAIL GIRL: Even better.

Actually, I concentrated on the meal first, but THEN I studied for the rest of the time. You look nice tonight.

MAIL GIRL: Don't try and change the subject. A lot of people wrote in with real estate questions.

Why don't you read the questions, and I'll answer them.

MAIL GIRL: All right. This one's from Mark Crupi of Boston, Massachusetts. He asks, "Dear Joe Bob, What's the deal? How come you can pay a monthly mortgage for 20 years and still have only ten bucks equity in the house?"

Okay, I know the answer to that. See, Mark, when you write the check each month to the loan company, you're paying off the interest first, and THEN you're paying off what's known as "the principal." They could just say "the house," but they like to use fancy words like "the principal" instead. Anyhow, that's why, if you buy a house that cost a hunnerd grand, after five years of handing over every penny of your hard-earned cash, you still owe 99 grand. Here's my advice: Get outta Boston, bud. You can buy a 3-bedroom, 1-bath down in, say, Pittsboro, Mississippi for less than you can buy a car in Boston. Course, I hope you know how to farm catfish, cause that's pretty much the only industry down there. All right, back to the movie. More questions at the next break.

[fading] I did pretty good, huh?
MAIL GIRL: Real good.
Maybe some week we can do "Ask Joe Bob" about Fashion.
MAIL GIRL: Maybe you should quit while you're ahead.
You don't like this shirt, do you?"


"House IV" Commercial Break #3

"I told you there was a talking pizza in this flick. The pizza face was played by the great actor and stuntman Kane Hodder, who "MonsterVision" fans should know as Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th parts 7, 8 and 9. In fact, the "House" movies were produced by Sean Cunningham, who directed the first, the original, "Friday the 13th" flick, and produced a couple of the other ones. And, of course, that's Denny Dillon from "Dream On" as Verna Klump. She was the only one in that show who never took her top off. And I'm certainly not complaining. Anyhoo, it's "The Joys of Home Ownership Night," and I'm answering your questions about real estate. Rusty, why don't you read me another one.

MAIL GIRL: Okay. This one's from Phil Oppenheim in Coatesville, Pennsylvania. "Dear Joe Bob, We're adding a new family room onto the back of the house. The only problem is, the neighbors are being a real pain in the butt, complaining that our window is gonna jut up six inches from THEIR window. What should I do?"

Oh, that's an easy one. Three words, Phil: Two-Way Mirror. You make YOUR window out of that glass that you can see OUT of, but they can't see INTO. In fact, now that I think about it, if they have a giant mirror right outside their window, their living room will appear larger. And they'll only thank you for that. Thanks for writing in. Back to "House IV."

[fading] MAIL GIRL: Don't you think they should put their window on the SIDE of the family room?

And give the neighbors a big ole WALL to stare at? That's not very thoughtful."


"House IV" Commercial Break #4

"Your husband's spirit is trapped between two worlds, because he DIED AT THE HANDS OF ANOTHER. More tea?" I like this movie. The director's name is Lewis Abernathy. He directed "House IV," co-wrote "DeepStar Six" for Sean Cunningham, and his only other credit is . . . Titanic. As an ACTOR. The guy's acted in ONE movie, and it's "Titanic." Played someone named Lewis Bodine, which is, of course, a tribute by James Cameron to my fourth ex-wife Wanda Bodine. Anyway, Lewis Abernathy got 13th billing out of about 97 thousand, so he must've had a decent part. But it's "Ask Joe Bob" about Home Ownership Night, and we have lots of questions from our viewers. Okay, Rusty, shoot.

MAIL GIRL: All right, this one is from Jeff Stafford of Wapanucka, Oklahoma. "Dear Joe Bob, I've had my home on the market for six months now, and we haven't gotten a single offer. Why won't my house sell?"

Well, Jeff, in the real estate binness, we have what's called a "punch list." This is a list of all the things in your house that could put off potential buyers. For example, a cat box. You may be used to it, but those litter boxes can stink worse than an outhouse in July. In fact, when my friend Steve got divorced, he was ordered to sell his house and give half the money to his ex-wife. So what he did was, he got a couple of cats, didn't change the box for about six months, and THEN put the house on the market. No one would go NEAR that place. Another thing that might be on your "punch list" is, say, boudoir shots of your wife hangin on the walls. We don't wanna see boudoir shots of your wife, okay? Make the place decent. And here's another reason your house may not be selling. Kenny G has a $25 million dollar home on the market in Seattle that won't sell. Why? Because he's Kenny G. Who wants to live in Kenny G's house, you know what I'm saying? Anyhow, those are my suggestions. Thanks for writin in. Let's get back to the flick.

[fading] You know whose house I WOULD wanna live in.

MAIL GIRL: Whose?

Lorenzo Lamas is selling his house in El Lay.

MAIL GIRL: Well, I can see why I'd wanna live in Lorenzo Lamas' house, but why would YOU?

Three words: Shauna Sand-Lamas.

MAIL GIRL: His wife.

Playboy playmate, May 1996. Oh, to sleep in her boudoir . . .

MAIL GIRL: You're sick, you know that?

You think I'M sick, wait'll you see the next part of the movie."


"House IV" Commercial Break #5

"I'd like to congratulate Mark Gash for a great job as Grosso the evil toxic-waste midget--a very disgusting performance. Thank you, Mark. For you music afficionados, I THINK he was listening to Mozart's "Concerto de Grosso," but I'm not claiming to be a musical expert. I'm claiming to be a real estate expert. And we have time for a couple more of your questions. Go ahead, Rusty, Ask Joe Bob.

MAIL GIRL: This is from Amy Walters of Bakersfield, California. "Dear Joe Bob, My husband and six kids and I just moved into a new apartment. The lease says we're responsible for damage, but not for 'normal wear-and-tear.' What's the difference?"

Okay, Amy, here's the basic difference. "Normal wear-and-tear" is gradual; "damage" is sudden. Anything that happens in one fell swoop that you don't fix, you have to pay for. On the other hand, if your kids GRADUALLY color on all the walls, you're okay. If the dog SLOWLY chews up the carpet, you're fine. And tell your husband if he's gonna track mud in the house, to do it EVERY DAY. And by the way, renting is fine. Not everybody's ready to buy. You've heard of Fred Sands--big real estate mogul, offices all over the planet? Fred leases. A $30,000-a-month penthouse, but that's beside the point. Anyhoo, thanks for writin in. Back to the flick.

[fading] By the way, Rusty, do you own or rent?

MAIL GIRL: Well, neither, really.

What do you mean "neither"?

MAIL GIRL: I guess you could say I house-sit.

You "house-sit"? For who?

MAIL GIRL: A friend.

Aaaaaah, I get it.

MAIL GIRL: It's not like that. It's just dinner once or twice a month.

Mm hm.

MAIL GIRL: It is!

Right."


"House IV" Commercial Break #6

"Terri Treas had some big hair in some of those last scenes. I knew she was playin a Texas gal when I saw that hair of hers when she woke up. Texas gals like to get their hair up so big they can't fit into elevators. Anyhow, Terri Treas is one of the stars of the Alien Nation shows on TV, but she cut her teeth on good ole Roger Corman movies--the killer cockroach movie "The Nest," "Deathstalker III," "Frankenstein Unbound." Not the most famous ones, but she can still be awful proud of herself to be among Corman alums.

We have time for one more real estate question from our viewers. What have you got, Rusty?

MAIL GIRL: I've got one from Greg Pincus of Waylyn, South Carolina. "Dear Joe Bob, Do I really need Homeowners Insurance?"

Greg, Greg, Greg. Let me tell you a little story. My friend Eugene Bidwell out in East Texas built himself a house. The house had a driveway. The driveway got a little crack in it. The little yard monster from next door decides to come sellin her little Girl Scout cookies, walks up the driveway, gets her foot stuck in the crack, smacks her head on the concrete, she's in a coma. If Eugene didn't have Homeowner's Insurance, guess what little brat he's supportin for the rest of her unpleasant life? YES, you need Homeowners Insurance, okay? Don't make me tell you this again.

Well, that's all the time we have for questions, cause we got the supernatural conclusion to "House IV" comin up. Rusty, thanks for your help.

MAIL GIRL: No problem.

Any time you want to go house hunting, you let me know. I'd be happy to show you some property. Discuss negative amortization. Do a shared-equity transaction.

MAIL GIRL: Maybe some other time. [getting up]

I have a very low teaser rate.

MAIL GIRL: [exiting] I bet you do.

It's so hard to drum up new clients."


"House IV" Outro

"All right, I didn't understand one thing at the end of that movie. I HATE it when I can't figure em out. Am I the only one that thinks about this stuff? The kooky housekeeper--at the end she turns out to be an FBI agent, and THEN she turns into William Katt, right? Does this mean that all through the whole movie, William Katt was in the house in kooky housekeeper form? Or did he just go into her body for no reason? If somebody knows the answer to this, please write in and let me know."

"House 4" is available on video

Tonight's host segments continue on The Hidden 2

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