Monstervision's Joe Bob Briggs Looks At
Chained Heat 2 (1993)
Kinky prison warden Brigitte Nielsen is reprimanded for being out of uniform
"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
I've decided I like this guy Fabio.
You know, the guy with the giant breasts and the Apache Indian hair-do. The guy whose every word is the equivalent of "duh." The guy who writes romance novels by dictating his "feelings" into a tape recorder and makes CD's where he breathes heavy a lot so that women can fantasize that he's breathing right directly onto their quivering flesh.
This guy is great. As far as I can tell, we've finally found the male equivalent to Bo Derek. And what's REALLY great about it is that women are reacting to Fabio that same way men are ACCUSED of reacting to Bo.
You know how women always say, "You guys are sooooo immature. All you care about is a woman's body. You're SO EASILY MANIPULATED."
And now we have absolute final proof that women act EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.
How many magazine covers has this guy been on? Nineteen thousand? How many times has he shaken that billowy mane into the lens of a camera? How many articles have been written about the time he spends in the gym, taking care of his rippling deltoids? How many TV shows has he gone on to talk about his goal of "bringing more lawv and romawnce into the society"? How many times has he stuffed himself into a Speedo swimsuit for his demanding Method-acting role on "Acapulco H.E.A.T."?
And the women go CRAZY for him.
You probly saw the talk show where Sally Kirkland sat next to him on a couch and screamed out "I'm having an orgasm!" You've probly seen the interviews with the professional women in Armani dresses talking about how Fabio is "a wonderful romantic dream made flesh."
You know what'll happen next?
Women will start following him down the street, screaming stuff like, "Hey, Hot Pants, I've got what you need right HERE!"
A casting director will offer him a part if he'll just SLIP INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
An older woman will start sending gifts to his house, and tell him that she'd like to pay for his movie debut.
In other words, everything that men do to deserve their sleazy reputation will be repeated thousands of times as Fabio is ogled, harassed, and treated like a sex object.
I like this.
We can learn something here.
And just when I thought we were losing, too.
Speaking of incredible talent from the Pia Zadora School of Dramatic Art, Brigitte Nielsen is back! And they may have found the PERFECT role for her. Ten years ago, the great Sybil Danning, ripaway bra queen of the seventies and eighties, starred in the immortal women-in-cages classic, Chained Heat. And now, the Sybil Danning of the nineties stars in "Chained Heat 2" . . . Brigitte! Her hair is cropped, her abs are toned, her thunder thighs are rippling beneath her Dacron bodystocking, and she has this mean whiskey-voiced laugh that begs to be slapped. Who better to be the evil, kinky warden of the meanest women's prison in Czechoslovakia?
This is my kinda sequel. They made the exact same movie, but with a LONGER shower scene. It starts off with innocent little Kimberley Kates being framed for coke possession and arrested at the train station. If you're asking WHY she's arrested, you obviously haven't seen enough bimbos-in-cages. Because if she's not arrested for doing nothing at all, WE HAVE NO MOVIE.
Next thing, she's sentenced to 10 years hard labor by the evil Czechoslovakian judge.
Next, she gets tossed into the musky cattle pen of a prison where Brigitte rules with the help of her sadistic lesbo lover, Jana Svandova, who likes to go into the ward at night, order inmates to strip off their clothes, and go into the secret cocaine-preparation room, where they stuff coke in bags while sitting around in the buff.
Meanwhile, Kimberley's sister, Kari Whitman, is wandering around the streets of Prague, getting molested by weirdbeard goons, demanding information from the geekazoid American ambassador, and hanging around with a Czechoslovakian actor named Marek Vasut whose accent is so thick they keep yelling at each other out of sheer frustration.
Pretty soon we've got ALL the women-in-cages elements: white slavery, kinky S&M, kinky B&D, and the rare disgusting kinky M&Ms, shower scenes, catfights, hash-smoking, illegal casino gambling with women as the prizes, snuff films, and, of course, women who are abused, humiliated, tortured, bought, sold, sent to "The Box," and--worst of all--HOSED DOWN, until the last five minutes of the movie when they start a riot and break out and save the world for feminism.
They've done it again.
Twenty-four dead bodies.
One motor vehicle chase, with two crashes.
Coat hook through the neck.
One riot, with bazookas, grenades, machine guns.
One guy actually crushed to death by a bimbo dogpile.
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Jana Svandova, as the nasty lesbo guard who correctly pronounces at least half her English dialogue and says "I HATE junkies, especially the innocent ones" and
"You're nothing but a piece of meat" and
"I TOLD YOU! I GOT CARRIED AVAY!";
David Buonantony, as the prison's pet transvestite painter, Bobo;
Marek Vasut, as the Czechoslovakian weenie who wants revenge against the people who sold his sister into porno-film slavery, for saying "She turned up on a slab at the morgue, raped and tortured";
Lloyd Simandl, the director, for not being afraid to make the unpopular artistic choice and copy the first movie;
and, of course, Brigitte, for saying "Dance for me, bitch!"
Joe Bob says check it out.
JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS
Republican Alert! The Route 35 Drive-In in Hazlet, N.J., the last drive-in in the state of New Jersey, on 65 forested acres, with 1,350 parking spaces, shut down after 35 years because it was betrayed by its own owners: they applied for shopping-mall zoning, and vow they'll replace it with a 12-screen "3,000-seat indoor theater." (We'll believe it when we see it.) New Jersey is the birthplace of the drive-in (the first drive-in was in Camden, N.J., in 1933), and now they're all gone. The Route 35 was originally called the Loews 35 Drive-In when it opened in July 1956. The very first customers were Marie and Frank Artelli and their four daughters, and Marie and Frank returned for the last night of operation. For the record, the final show was the 1956 Jayne Mansfield classic, "The Girl Can't Help It," and the 1958 Vincent Price version of "The Fly," with all proceeds benefitting Raritan High School. One week before it closed, Lawrence Dayan proposed marriage to his girlfriend, Celia Esses, by getting the Route 35 management to put his face up on the screen before the movie with a title that said "Lawrence's Features," followed by a short film of Lawrence saying "Will you marry me, Celia?" She screamed out "Yes!" amid a chorus of car horns. "It was the most wonderful moment in my life," she said.
Linda McDaniel of Trainer, Pa., Dan Cziraky of Newark, John Orndorff of Boothwyn, Pa., Sean Baker of Branchburg, N.J., Marvin Silbermintz of Fairlawn, N.J., Dave & Amy Fenwick of Ocean Township, N.J., F. Paul Wilson of Brick Town, N.J., Gerald Tallon of "somewhere in Jersey," Dave Tait of Ramsey, N.J., Graham G. Dodds of Berkeley, Calif., Thomas W. McGarry of Castro Valley, Calif., Mark Coleman of Honolulu, James McC. Yeager of Bethesda, Md., Greg & Jeri Nikiel of Chantilly, Va., Roy Scherer of Richmond, Va., Phil Frankenfeld of Chicago, Al Vincent of Arlington, Tex., Chris Barry of Red Bank, N.J., John Cantilli of Cranford, N.J., Mike Norton of Pekin, Ill., Bob Hall of Carlisle, Pa., Dave Barry of South San Francisco, Richard M. Hewitt of Dallas, Cheri Leone of Lakewood, N.J., Robert W. Hampton of Oakton, Va., Vicky Bowles of Boca Raton, Fla., Kelly Schab of Beverly, N.J., Lawrence K. Connell of Milwaukee, Lyn Venable of Walnut Creek, Calif., Bill Kobasz of New York, Dalton Featherston of Dayton, N.J., Michael D. Brand of Quakertown, N.J., Joe R. Lansdale of Nacogdoches, Tex., Sean J. O'Leary of Hazlet, Stephen Johnston of Lisle, Ill., Elliot Cantsin of North Merrick, N.Y., and Ron Rooks, who is #59535 in the Alcorn County Jail in Corinth, Miss., all remind us that, without eternal vigilance, it could happen here.
To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and a copy of Joe Bob's world-famous newsletter, "The Joe Bob Report," write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is always open: 214-368-2310.
How would you rate the two films mentioned in this article? ["Nurse Nancy" and "Catalina Five-O Tiger Shark"] Are they worth Pee Wee being escorted out of the local theater by the local constabulary and whining, "Gosh, mister. You guys don't let me have any fun. Ha-Ha!"?
With informed resignation,
Philip J. Frankenfeld
Contrary to popular belief, Pee Wee was NOT watching "Nurse Nancy" when arrested, but the neglected but actually better made "Catalina Five-O Tiger Shark." Everyone who's been renting "Nurse Nancy" and going, "I don't get it," should be watching the far superior "Five-O," especially the semi-famous squid scene.
It has come to my attention that Warlock missed out on some key prizes in your latest review of the past year. This greatly concerns me. I did not spend many long and boring research hours traipsing through New England with the writer (a certain Mr. Twohy) of the aforementioned project just for fun. How many people do you know that would sleep in a Saab just for the pleasure of visiting Salem's finest graveyards at midnight? That is just one of many sacrifices that were endured to bring such a fine project to the big outdoor screen in your neck of the woods. Heck, we even did the Salem Witch Museum. What a THRILL that was. Oh boy.
And who do you know that would go out of their way to tape "Warlock" just to catch some reviewer's comments, then miss them. Did I set the tape wrong? All I got was the damn movie. I wanted the nasty steel-teethed bites that came beforehand . . .
If these comments do exist on tape, I would gladly free up some pocket change for a copy of them.
Paul B. Florance
Seal Beach, Calif.
Where were you, bud?
Not only did you get nominations, you got a four-star review.
Warlock was on my cable show three times, and I didn't make a single joke about it.
I LOVE IT.
All right J.B. "Homeboy" Briggs:
Here it is Monday and Geraldo "Chair in the Face" Rivera is on. He has as guest stars the all-female rock band "Cycle Sluts from Hell." I'm sure these bimbos will win beaucoup Grammies. Yeah, right.
I know this sounds like a broken record, Joe Bob, but I'm laid off again. The economy and the steel industry sucks.
So I watch "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" and the dizzy blond aerobics fitness gal, Denise Austin. Maybe those two will have an affair, and the offspring would be like Frankie Avalon with Downs Syndrome.
I just recently watched "Amityville '92." It seemed sort of tame compared to the others, but the hot love scene at the start was a rush.
So there it is, podunk. Keep up the good work stepping on the bleeding hearts and liberal toes.
So you're just sitting around watching TV all day, huh?
What's wrong with you?
Haven't you ever heard of BEER?
Dear Joe Bob--
Thanks for the years of entertainment. I know I've been lax and haven't written since 1986, but I had to tell you the free Terminator sticker you sent me that year I sold this year for $25!
You're the greatest! Keep it up!
I'm glad to hear that I've become a clearinghouse for memorabilia and collectibles.
My only consolation is that next year someone will be selling it for FIFTY bucks, and we'll BOTH feel stupid.
Dear Joe Bob,
Since my letter in response to a recent column of yours about AIDS and the slowness of the medical community in dealing with it was published in "Pitch," one of the papers that carries your articles, I thought you might be interested in seeing it. In shortening it (and I do tend to be "wordy" as you can tell from the foregoing sentence!) the editor distorted it a bit. I had said that because each new case requires large sums for care and treatment that might otherwise be spent on research for a cure, one's chances of getting a cure would be better if he didn't pass the virus on. The editor left out the part about the costs. [It has now also been reported, in April of 2003, that a SARS researcher has been diagnosed with SARS].
Would you care to see my organization's report, AIDS: Accidental Epidemic? Whether or not you agree with its premise, it would give you something new to write on concerning AIDS, and there's information about condoms which you might not have seen. Plus some suggestions on how the epidemic could be halted. And a lot about viruses, too, that you may not know.
[Attached letter from "Pitch": Was Polio whipped in 10 years (as Joe Bob Briggs said in his column)? FDR came down with it in 1921. My brother had it in 1930. And it had been known for centuries before that. But it wasn't until 1954 that Jonas Salk developed his vaccine against. (My son, Michael, then eight years old, was among the volunteers in the testing.) But it was a vaccine, not a cure. Keep that in mind. A vaccine can stop an epidemic; it doesn't cure someone who already has the disease. Polio is still not curable, just preventable.
Viruses are notably difficult to defeat. One's immune system either fights them off or it doesn't. Those who recover are generally (though not always) immune to further attacks from the same virus. Currently, the same as in the past, viral epidemics can only be stopped in one of two ways: Not passing it on, or making a vaccine against it.
Ten years ago the AIDS epidemic, just beginning in this country, could have been halted in its tracks when the mode of transmission was discovered. Viruses--all of them--have Achilles heels, in a sense. In order to survive, they have to find new, susceptible hosts. Stop the passage; you stop the virus. Your chances of having a cure will be better if you don't give the virus to someone else. Period.]
Director, Population Renewal Office
Kansas City, Mo.
I didn't mean that polio didn't EXIST before 1950. I just meant that, after the government got INTERESTED in it (which was when a massive number of children started getting it), we whipped polio in ten years. AIDS has been massive for a long time, but we don't have the same level of commitment.
By the way, AIDS, too, existed long before 1983. They think they have a case now from the early sixties.
© 1993 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved
Chained Heat (1983)
These bimbos-behind-bars people are definitely maturing as artists
"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
Remember the guy last year who wanted to show Wanda his hotel room in
Italy, and she went with him and showed up a week later with
enough jack to change Le Coiffure to Le Bodine and hire Vida to
do manicures only? She found the sucker again this year.
Touched him for another few hundred, got him to spring for a
Frog ticket, told her he'd build Institut de Beaute Bodine on the
side of the highway. Probly took her back to Italy, too, and
he'll regret it the rest of his life. I never met Maurice but I
imagine he was fairly normal and decent, for a Frog anyway,
before all this happened, but he don't have a prayer now.
It was so depressing that I needed a good women-in-cages
flick to give me some perspective on real life. Of course, most
of you maniac turkeys already know what I'm talking about because
you were all acting like gorillas last weekend at the Astro D.I.
We're talking lust. We're talking perversion. We're talking
male guards in a female prison.
We're talking best Bimbos Behind Bars of 1983.
We're talking "Chained Heat."
"Chained Heat," of course, is Part 2 of the serious
documentary study of our nation's prisons that began with "The
Concrete Jungle," currently No. 2 on the Joe Bob Briggs Best of
'83 Drive-in Movie rankings. The same turkeys made this one,
only instead of Jill St. John as the crooked prison officer, they
got Stella Stevens. And instead of Tracy Bregman as the little lambchop that gets put through a commercial Osterizer, they got
Ms. Exorcist herself, Linda Blair.
You turkeys know how I feel about sequels, and the reason Halloween III was a ripoff and Friday the 13th Part 3 was such a
great flick. If you know what you're doing, the sequel can be
exactly the same movie as the first one. That's what we got
here. It starts out with Linda Blair going to prison for no
reason at all. She really wanted to be an interior decorator,
but then she killed this guy in a car accident, but it wasn't her
fault, but it doesn't matter because they pack her off to the
Crossbar Hotel. Okay, then we got the Good Friend (poufy
brunette named Sharon Hughes, about a 6 on a 10 scale) and the
Evil Friend (Sybil Danning, a blonde fox, as the white gang
leader). Then we got the black gang leader, Tamara Dobson. In
this version she's a graduate of Vassar. We got the warden, John
Vernon, who likes to take jailhouse bimbos to his hot tub and
entertain, if you know what I mean and I think you do. We got
the S & M freak guard, Henry Silva, who does pimp and drug work.
This one has some plot, but it doesn't get in the way.
These bimbos-behind-bars people are definitely maturing as
artists. "The Concrete Jungle" had less than 10 breasts. This
time we got 33 complete breasts without any body-stocking fakes.
One shower scene.
One bimbo neck impaled on a
Two strippers doing their stuff.
Minimum of lesbo stuff.
Two brawls, one black-
one-white, with plenty of gouging, hair-pulling, knees in
Pretty good hot-tub murder.
No motor vehicle chases.
Another death-in-the-john scene.
Moderate kung fu.
Heads do not roll.
Academy Award nominations for Stella Stevens, Sybil Danning,
director Paul Nicolas, Henry Silva as the geek sadist prison
I would've ranked this one higher, because I was
expecting some pickets from the feminine movement, but I haven't
heard a peep out of those bimbos. So, three and a half stars,
and it goes to No. 7 on the Best of '83 list, right behind "10 to
Midnight," the best Chuck Bronson-sweeps-the-scum-off-the-street
flick of the year, and just ahead of "The House on Sorority Row,"
about a psycho who makes meat salad out of college girls.
Joe Bob says check it out.
A lot of you asphalt-brains asked me about "King Frat," but
everybody who knows their outdoor flicks would know that this is
a 1979 drive-in classic that they just brought back for a little
trip down memory lane. "King Frat" ranks as the finest "Animal
House" ripoff ever made without John Vernon. It's so disgusting that I can't tell
*any* of it in the paper, but if you rearrange two letters in the
title you get the general idea of what 80 percent of the jokes
are about. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.
Hang in there.
© 1984 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved
For more of Joe Bob's pre-TNT reviews in Grapevine, Texas, go to his Drive-In Reviews Archive over yonder at www.Joe Bob Briggs.com
All I wanted was a girl with great figure. In high school, I dated a girl with great figure, but there was no passion.
So, I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency and she cried all the time.
So, I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything.
So, I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She was directionless. So, I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her.
But, she was so ambitious that she soon divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now, all I want is a girl with great figure.
The Drive-In will never die!
Want a second opinion? Leonard Maltin says of Chained Heat, "...strictly for the grind-house crowd on 42nd Street." What more could you ask for?
Elvis has left the building, and he took Joe Bob with him.