Monstervision's Joe Bob Briggs Looks At

Chained Heat






These bimbos-behind-bars people are definitely maturing as artists

"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for 6/??/83
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas

Remember the guy last year who wanted to show Wanda his hotel room in Italy, and she went with him and showed up a week later with enough jack to change Le Coiffure to Le Bodine and hire Vida to do manicures only? She found the sucker again this year. Touched him for another few hundred, got him to spring for a Frog ticket, told her he'd build Institut de Beaute Bodine on the side of the highway. Probly took her back to Italy, too, and he'll regret it the rest of his life. I never met Maurice but I imagine he was fairly normal and decent, for a Frog anyway, before all this happened, but he don't have a prayer now.

It was so depressing that I needed a good women-in-cages flick to give me some perspective on real life. Of course, most of you maniac turkeys already know what I'm talking about because you were all acting like gorillas last weekend at the Astro D.I. We're talking lust. We're talking perversion. We're talking male guards in a female prison.
We're talking best Bimbos Behind Bars of 1983.
We're talking "Chained Heat."
"Chained Heat," of course, is Part 2 of the serious documentary study of our nation's prisons that began with "The Concrete Jungle," currently No. 2 on the Joe Bob Briggs Best of '83 Drive-in Movie rankings. The same turkeys made this one, only instead of Jill St. John as the crooked prison officer, they got Stella Stevens. And instead of Tracy Bregman as the little lambchop that gets put through a commercial Osterizer, they got Ms. Exorcist herself, Linda Blair.

You turkeys know how I feel about sequels, and the reason Halloween III was a ripoff and Friday the 13th Part 3 was such a great flick. If you know what you're doing, the sequel can be exactly the same movie as the first one. That's what we got here. It starts out with Linda Blair going to prison for no reason at all. She really wanted to be an interior decorator, but then she killed this guy in a car accident, but it wasn't her fault, but it doesn't matter because they pack her off to the Crossbar Hotel. Okay, then we got the Good Friend (poufy brunette named Sharon Hughes, about a 6 on a 10 scale) and the Evil Friend (Sybil Danning, a blonde fox, as the white gang leader). Then we got the black gang leader, Tamara Dobson. In this version she's a graduate of Vassar. We got the warden, John Vernon, who likes to take jailhouse bimbos to his hot tub and entertain, if you know what I mean and I think you do. We got the S & M freak guard, Henry Silva, who does pimp and drug work.

This one has some plot, but it doesn't get in the way. These bimbos-behind-bars people are definitely maturing as artists. "The Concrete Jungle" had less than 10 breasts. This time we got 33 complete breasts without any body-stocking fakes.
One shower scene.
Three rapes.
One bimbo neck impaled on a wire.
Two strippers doing their stuff.
One transvestite wrassling scene.
Minimum of lesbo stuff.
Two brawls, one black- one-white, with plenty of gouging, hair-pulling, knees in embarrassing places.
Pretty good hot-tub murder.
Nine corpses.
No motor vehicle chases.
Another death-in-the-john scene.
Moderate kung fu.
Heads do not roll.
Academy Award nominations for Stella Stevens, Sybil Danning, director Paul Nicolas, Henry Silva as the geek sadist prison guard.
I would've ranked this one higher, because I was expecting some pickets from the feminine movement, but I haven't heard a peep out of those bimbos. So, three and a half stars, and it goes to No. 7 on the Best of '83 list, right behind "10 to Midnight," the best Chuck Bronson-sweeps-the-scum-off-the-street flick of the year, and just ahead of "The House on Sorority Row," about a psycho who makes meat salad out of college girls.

Joe Bob says check it out.
*
A lot of you asphalt-brains asked me about "King Frat," but everybody who knows their outdoor flicks would know that this is a 1979 drive-in classic that they just brought back for a little trip down memory lane. "King Frat" ranks as the finest "Animal House" ripoff ever made without John Vernon. It's so disgusting that I can't tell *any* of it in the paper, but if you rearrange two letters in the title you get the general idea of what 80 percent of the jokes are about. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.
Hang in there.
© 1984 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved

For more of Joe Bob's pre-TNT reviews in Grapevine, Texas, go to his Drive-In Reviews Archive over yonder at www.Joe Bob Briggs.com

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