|
POST MORTEM
|
|
|
|
CHRIS BLACKBURN (d. 2004) our favorite fat man was clearly heading for disaster when he appeared on NBC's The Biggest Loser. A few months and more than a hundred pounds later, we didn't have a single serviceable fat joke left. Chris was shot, and poisoned, and stabbed, and drowned.
ASHLEY GROSS (d. 2006) our youngest member sadly
became a casualty of youth...she was playing on a swing set, became
entangled in the chains and sadly, was totally consumed by an angry
crowd of toddlers who wanted to swing. JAMES HOLLAND (d. 2003) left us for New York City, he dreamed of an acting career that would "show us all!" However, his acting work only led to a job driving a cab where he was shot in the back of the head for $14.25. DARREN JUDY (d. 2004) was struck and killed when a lighting instrument fell on his head. Prior to this "accident," Darren was appearing under the stage name "Judy Darren" in a controversial all male production of The Trojan Women. EMILY KAROL (d. 2005) was done in by a flock of seagulls (not the group). BILL LIZOR (d. 2001) sank into a deep depression following the death of his beloved goldfish, Sammie, and has not returned any of our calls. JOHN LOCKE (d. 2007) married tragically. ZOE LUDSKI (d. 2002) left the group to join a society dedicated to protecting the rights of the Native American tribes of the mid-west when she was burned to death while attempting to create the perfect s'more. DAVID MANSPEAKER (d.2003) fell on a bullet, nine times. ALICIA MRACHKO (d. 2007) is currently only living for her children, which is hardly living at all. CAITLIN REXRODE (d. 2003) was shot by a jealous lover when it was revealed that Caitlin never really liked sweet potatoes in the first place. DAYA RICE (d. 2001) was accidently poisoned by a caterer who didn't know she was allergic to peanuts, and meat, and dairy, and chocolate, and gluten. What tempted her to eat the chocolate peanut butter cake with bacon ice cream in the first place is anyone's guess. ERICA
SCANLON (d. 2001) was part of our original company
before leaving us to return home and become Miss New Jersey. We
understand that she was recently married (to New Jersey's king, we
assume). The cause of Erica's death is unknown, and her body has never
been recovered.
DOUG SECKMAN (d. 2003) is survived by 4 puppies, 3 kittens, 17 salamanders and a goat named Charmaine. He is missed by all. MICHAEL SNIFFEN (d. 2001) passed away following a long illness. Learning that athlete's foot could be fatal was crucial information that came too late. VINCE TRIMBOLI (d. 2006) dazzled audiences until he completely lost his ability to speak in English. Vince is now heading our sister murder company in Taiwan. LYDIA WAGNER (d. 2004) was crushed under the weight of responsibility. JOHN WALTZ (d. 2004) was stabbed 22 times with a variety of kitchen and gardening implements. 22 different men and women are currently serving prison terms for the crime.
|
