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TG4B
A Journal
OCT 20I hurt so bad. So scared and tired.
OCT 21
My ankle KILLS!!!! I can hardly walk. Buffy saved us all–as usual!–but everybody is afraid now. There were so many demons! If we weren't in a car I think some of us would be dead. When the demon dragged me out of the car into the woods I thought I was gonna die. TG4B TG4B
OCT 22
It's hard to walk, but I'm healing. Nobody has figured out what's up yet, which is frightening. Giles should have some book with all the answers by now, right?
OCT 23
Can't sleep so I'll write in my journal. Giles thinks someone real strong is plotting to kill my sister or something. They already got to Faith in prison and just about killed her! Something real bad is happening. If Buffy dies again I don't want to be alive. I still feel that like it was yesterday. I'm so afraid. I don't even care about the big math test tomorrc~-
OCT 29
I can't believe it. I'm home again and Buffy is alive! But now nobody knows where she is. She saved me and attacked Faith and then she just never followed us back. Willow and Tara are so good to me. They're scared for Buffy too. Why isn't she here??
This has been the most awful week of my life. I didn't think I'd ever get away from Faith. And the prison still thinks Faith is there, sick in bed!
OCT 30
My sister is back!!! but she's a mess. She held me and hugged me for a long time and then we all went with her to the emergency room. Her leg is broken pretty bad. Nobody is talking about what happened to her. Or to me. Good. I don't want to talk about Faith did.
OCT 31
Happy Halloween. Not. Willow is real worried about me but I can't even talk to her. She said I should write it all down, just for me at least. I guess I will, but I'll hide my journal good. I don't even go to school anymore, they think Buffy and me are on a trip. I just sit in this shabby motel all day doing my homework and playing cards with Willow and Tara. They're great, but we've all been so scared for so long.
It's hardly a week since Faith kidnapped me but it seems like last year. Buffy tried to stop her, and the last I saw was a bunch of vampires all over. Then Buffy never came to rescue me for days. I thought she was dead! I love you Buffy.
Faith tied me up in some old place in the middle of nowhere. There were demons everywhere but she sent most of them away, and they followed her orders. I am so scared of her. She is so evil and crazy. I cried a lot and then I couldn't cry anymore.
She brought an old woman in, or some kind of creature. I felt like I knew her but I didn't know from where, and she had no face at all! Not like a blank face, but like you couldn't look at her, or you could but you couldn't see her. I can't explain it but it was scary. And her voice was a real scary demon voice. The old woman laughed when she saw me, and I thought I knew the laugh but I know I never heard that scary voice before. She did some kind of spell with big candles that had weird green flames. Faith stayed away but I was tied up and at the end she put the candles on me. I had to hold still so they wouldn't tip over and burn me. Then there was a weird sound and the candles burned really fast down to nothing and they were gone. Not even wax left. I felt like throwing up and I was dizzy for hours, maybe even a whole day.
Faith was alone with me when I woke up. I was tied to some big crate, piled with dirty rags and cloths to make a kind of bed. They smelled like chemicals. My legs were tied at the corners and my arms were together over my head pretty tight. The crate had something heavy inside, cause it didn't even budge when I shook it. Faith gave me water and food but she had a really scary smile and she scared me how she was looking at me. She is so crazy.
"You're gonna make me strong, brat!" she said. "Stronger than B ever dreamed of!" She took out a knife and I thought she was going to kill me, for some awful spell. She cut my arms free but she was so strong she held my wrists tight with one hand. She pulled me way forward, with my head over my knees. It hurt like hell. She stuck her knife inside the back of my jeans, it was really cold. She cut the jeans, not me, right down the middle. She ripped them open in back and said I had a cute butt. Then she tied me back down like before.
She undid the fly of my jeans and then ripped hard and they came in two. She pulled both legs down and smiled at me even scarier than before. I felt so helpless. She put her hand on me. Between my legs.
She ripped my panties away and then
She did stuff
NOV 1
It's so hard to write about what Faith did to me. I hate her. She touched me between my legs. And sort of kissed me there. It was so gross. I started to feel weird down there–like sometimes I make happen in the shower or under the covers–only it didn't feel good this time. But I did open up a little there and wet stuff started to come out and Faith liked licking it. After a while she kind of got mad, I don't know why. She stretched me apart and licked my middle part really hard. I don't even like writing the words for things like that. Licking me that way felt even weirder. It was partly good I guess but I wanted her to stop.
She jumped up really mad before long. She rubbed my chest a little but I made a face and she actually stopped. She stomped away, kicking some stuff, and opened the door to leave. Then she slammed it and came back over and grabbed my face between her hands and got up real close. I could tell she was totally psycho. Her breath smelled like my fingers after I touch between my legs. I didn't know if she would kiss me or strangle me!
She was so mad she was hissing. "You have to come!" She kept saying it. "I will MAKE you come!" She wasn't making any sense. She went back to kissing between my legs, and digging at my middle part with her tongue. Then she did that with her fingers, and it hurt. I was closing up down there and she gave up. She threw a lamp at the wall on her way out.
She came back the next day for more of the same. She said, in a low scary voice, "You will make me strong whether you come or not, brat. But this is gonna take a lot longer if you don't, and I will make you very, very sorry!" "Where do you want me to come?" I asked. Which was stupid, my friends don't talk that way but I still know it's some sex thing. She gave me a weird look and slapped me. She cut off the rest of my clothes. Then she took out some metal thing that buzzed and I thought she would torture me. She pushed it hard against my middle part and held it there for a long time, looking at me. It vibrated me. It hurt a little, and felt good a little, but it wasn't as gross as being kissed down there by her. Then she put the thing inside me. That hurt a LOT. After a while she threw the thing away and broke it, and took a deep breath like she was gonna explode. She went back to kissing me down there. I felt her spit getting inside me and I almost got sick.
She did that every day, for hours, and after a while she wasn't mad as much anymore–whatever she wanted it must have been working. She never untied me for one second, and a demon stood outside the door at all times. She made me go to the bathroom right where I lay, and then she cleaned me up and put down more rags. She didn't feed me much, and I was so worn out and hungry, sometimes I fell asleep while she was doing stuff to me. She said "See how strong you make me?" and she crushed a concrete slab in her hands, laughing. "Strong enough to kill Buffy finally!"
I was afraid Buffy was dead when she didn't come for me. Now I knew Faith had killed her. I cried again for the first time in days. I cried cried cried cried cried. Faith laughed at me.
I cried myself to sleep, and when I woke up in the night I cried some more in the dark. Suddenly I felt Faith's hand on my mouth, stopping my breath. I could see her looming over me and I wondered what was next. What's weird was I could hear her crying a little too.
But it wasn't Faith! I heard Buffy's whisper, crying and telling me to be quiet while she got me loose. She was alive! I REALLY felt like crying then, but I stayed quiet. TG4B!!
Faith caught us anyway, and Buffy lunged at her and pushed her out of the room. But Tara and Willow were there in the dark too, and they wrapped some of the rags around me and took me out. Tara's car and Buffy's car were both parked around the corner. As we drove off I could hear a terrible fight going on. I thought I heard Buffy scream.
NOV 2
Anyway, Buffy didn't come back for a long time. Willow and Tara held me tight and let me sleep, but they wanted to know what Faith had done to me and I didn't want to tell them. I was so scared, I thought Faith was killing Buffy! With strength she got from me somehow!
Buffy came back but she had her leg broke. I know she was scared because Faith was so strong, but she didn't say anything about it until we were alone the next day. She asked me the same stuff Willow and Tara asked and I still said I couldn't remember. But Buffy took my hand and said she needed to know or we could all be in very bad trouble. She said Faith was really strong now, and it must be something to do with me being the K(oops, promised I would never write it). She promised she wouldn't tell anyone else what I told her. I didn't want to say that kind of thing out loud, even with my sister, but Faith had hurt her so bad, I was afraid for her. So I told her everything. About the spell with the candles, and the stuff Faith did to me. I could hardly say the words, I felt so ashamed somehow. Buffy broke down crying, and then she got very quiet and very angry. I knew she was weaker than Faith but I thought that Buffy's enemies ought to be real scared when Buffy gets like that.
We've been hiding from Faith in this motel for a couple days now, and my sister has been very quiet and sorta intense. She's been at Giles' place reading all kinds of things, and borrowing books from Willow but she won't say why. I think she found out more about what Faith did to me. I'm scared. She won't tell anyone what is going on though, and she is really stressed out.
NOV 3
Buffy and I had a weird talk alone today. Buffy said she thinks she knows how to beat Faith, and maybe even whoever Faith is working for. But it would be really really hard. And she would need my help, and it would be really really hard for me too. We would be getting involved with magic, and without Willow and Tara to help us. I said I would do anything. It would be nice to be the one everyone else was depending on, for a change. Buffy sat beside me on the bed, held my hand, and tried to explain. But she kept stopping like she had to tell me stuff she didn't want to.
Buffy told me that what Faith did to me was a little bit like what people do to each other when they love each other. I did not get that at all. OK, sex stuff. But sex stuff is supposed to feel good. Not that I would know, but it feels good when I touch myself in the shower that way. What Faith did felt more bad than good. Buffy said I was raped by Faith. I didn't get that either, but she was sure doing gross things to me down there. Buffy said that kissing someone down there can feel really good for both people if they love each other. She said Willow and Tara do that. Yuck! That freaked me out big time. I knew they had sex–kinda hard not to hear them–and I was glad for them. But I thought it was by touching each other, like I touch myself in the shower. Buffy said she had even tried that kind of kissing between the legs herself a little, but not very much because she had never really been in love with a woman. I was blushing and didn't know what to say. It was all really weird. I wonder if she used to do that kind of kissing with Willow ever.
Then Buffy explained that there is an ancient tradition of dark magic that uses sex to get power over people, or to take power from them. Or even kill them. She said there are hundreds of different spells that work that way, and a powerful witch or demon can sleep with a normal human and get stronger powers for a while that way. I don't think she meant just sleep, though! So maybe, with just the right spell, a Slayer could do the same thing. And the spells are way more effective if the victim isn't just a human. If the victim is a powerful magical creature. Like me, Buffy said! I kinda laughed, nobody ever called me that before. Opening the gates that let Hell out counts as power, I guess!
Buffy said that the spell Faith's demon did made it so Faith's slayer powers could use some of the magic from me being the (you know what). One good thing, though, at least it didn't hurt me. Except for how Faith did it of course. By raping me. Usually these spells are done by tricking the person into wanting to have sex. That makes a very powerful spell. But Faith couldn't very well do that with me.
Buffy said the way the spell probably worked was by making me feel good. She asked if it felt partly good what Faith did. No way! It was awful! But in the end I admitted that it also felt a little good sometimes, in a weird way. She asked if my lips got wet, and pointed under my skirt. I blushed and nodded. Buffy guessed that Faith licked the wetness, which was true too. With a male victim, she said, there are ways to collect things from him to complete the spell quickly, but it's harder to do that kind of spell on a woman.
Then Buffy asked if I ever touched myself. Well, she said the real word so I will too. She asked if I masturbated. I was getting really embarrassed and I got up. But Buffy still had my hand. She said she masturbated. She said most people did and there was nothing wrong with it, and that Mom would have said the same thing. She asked me again and I admitted I did, in the shower sometimes. I admitted it felt good like what Faith did to me, only without the bad. Buffy asked me if Faith did any chants or spells each time she visited me. No, I told her, just the big spell at the beginning. "Good," Buffy said, "that means we won't have to try casting dangerous spells ourselves. We can just use what she did."
Then Buffy took a deep breath and said she was pretty sure she could get stronger Slayer powers from me if she masturbated me. That REALLY freaked me out. I could tell it was freaking her out just as much. She said it wasn't right for sisters to do things like that together. We love each other, but not like Tara and Willow. But she said we weren't exactly sisters, we were the Slayer and the (you know what). Well that made me sad because I just want to be me and not think about the truth, that I'm not her sister at all. But Buffy said if we could face this together we might defeat a very great evil that nothing else could stop. I couldn't think of a thing to say, I just stared. Buffy's eyes were watering and she was blushing worse than me. She said we should think about it and she ran out.
NOV 4
I didn't sleep much last night, and I don't think Buffy did either. We hardly spoke in the morning until after breakfast (stale motel doughnuts–again). "We should... um... do it..." I finally said. Buffy didn't look at me for a long time. Then she did, and she wasn't crying but she looked so sad. She sat on the bed with me and held me for a long time and said everything would be OK.
"Now?" she asked after a while. My heart started to beat like crazy. I nodded but I wanted to be a million miles away. "This has to be a secret from everyone," she said. "They won't understand." I nodded. Buffy unzipped my pants, still holding me to her shoulder. She started to slip her hand down inside the front of my panties, but then she pulled away. "I can't do it," she said. "It's so wrong...."
"I know," I told her. "I can't do it either." But I took her hand and put it between my legs. Outside the panties though.
She was so gentle and sweet how she touched me. It had nothing to do with what Faith did. I shuddered as she moved her finger over the fabric where my lips met. After a while I started to open up and my panties got a little wet. It started to feel a little good, but weird too, and I was kind of ashamed. Buffy gave me a little kiss on the cheek and told me again that everything would be OK. We both had tears in our eyes.
Buffy moved her fingers in different ways. This must be how she masturbates, I thought. I closed my eyes, rested my face against her neck, and tried to just let it feel good. It got very wet down there, it made little wet sounds. I always do it in the shower, I didn't know so much wet came from inside me!
After a while Buffy took her hand away. I opened my eyes. She had her fingers near her mouth, and the tips were wet. She looked at me quickly and then down at the ground. "It will work better this way," she said, real quiet. She closed her eyes and slowly licked her fingers. She paused, and sighed slightly, and I was sure I could actually feel energy flowing into her. Without opening her eyes she lowered her hand to my panties again.
But I put my own hand down there, inside my panties, and touched myself. My eyes widened. I had never been so open and wet down there before. Buffy's hand over mine, outside my underwear, felt nice. She pushed my fingers deeper into me.
I pulled my hand out and slowly raised it to my sister's mouth. Her eyes never opened but she felt me touch her lips. She licked my fingers, and sucked them clean, while rubbing me again down below. For just a moment it felt so good I forgot to feel ashamed. Then Buffy stopped, squeezed my shoulders, and zipped my jeans up again. "Is it working," I asked? "Yes," she whispered. "It's already working."
I felt very important–even a little happy for the first time in a while. I also felt like I always feel after I touch myself in the shower. Like there's something I need and I don't know what it is.
Continue to Part Two of three.
Buffy took off my pants and underpants completely today, and I lay down on the bed. She said that was more like what real lovers would do. I felt like I was at the doctor, with my knees open. It was so embarrassing, I could just die. Buffy kneeled down between my legs. "Don't look," I told her, "it's gross." She smiled. "No, it's not gross at all," she said. "It is very beautiful and someday you will be in love and someone else will tell you the same thing." I smiled back a little. I hope so.
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