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Disclaimer: A.A. Milne created them, Disney bought them, and none of them would approve of what I'm doing with them. But I'm not making a profit, so they probably won't sue me. If they do, I'll just claim insanity. I mean, I must be nuts to come up with this, huh?

Notes: Obviously caused by a fit of temporary insanity. Blame this (or credit it to) yahoogroups' screw up that prevented me from posting for two days. Feedback withdrawal has some nasty side effects.

     Teddybear's Picnic     

It was a Lovely Day in the Hundred Akre Wood (and yes, We know that it should be spelled a-c-r-e, but Christopher Robin is a wee bit dyslexic, and we haven't the heart to tell him). Winnie-the-Pooh had decided that it was just perfect for a Teddybear's Picnic. "And being as I am a Teddybear, it would seem only right if I went on a Picnic. This is clear, even to one such as myself, who has Very Little Brains."

So the chubby, tubby, stuffed-with-fluff little ursine had invited his friends to a lovely picnic. Rabbit was coming, of course, and Piglet. Tigger was coming, too. Eeyore could not come, and that was Too Bad, because he was a gloomy old thing, and could have used some cheering up. But the nice Man In A White Coat had said that he simply could not go out alone while he was under a Suicide Watch.

Owl could not come because, well, DUH! he was an Owl, and they would not be going out into the Hundred Akre Woods at night. Pooh's head MIGHT be stuffed with fluff, but he was not stupid enough to risk getting torn to bits by a Ferocious Heffalump. Kanga could not come, she said, because Roo's Ritalin had not Kicked In, and she had pouch cramps because of the Moon (though how this could be, Pooh had No Idea, and she said she would explain when he was Older), and she was too pooped to hop.

Still, the four friends thought that they could have a Very Nice Picnic indeed. They all brought food, except Tigger, who brought Himself, and Pooh brought a Comfy Old Blanket to spread on the ground.

They set out the food Most Carefully. There was, of course, a great pot of Hunny. Rabbit, oddly enough, had brought carrots. Piglet, in an attempt to live up to his name, and also to try to be not so much The Smallest Animal In The Hundred Akre Wood, had brought a shirt load of food. Pooh knew this because, if he held his shirt like a basket, the food would have quite overflowed it.

Piglet had brought sandwiches, sardines, fruit, cookies, cake, pretzles, potato salad, corn chips, Slim Jims, barbequed ribs (which gave Pooh Quite A Turn, and caused him to Wonder about Piglet), Pop Tarts (but they made the Tarts go home, because they were not Those Kind of Animals) and a large bucket of swill. Well, he WAS a pig, after all.

The four friends ate and ate and ate, till their little tummies looked like they would burst. If any of them had actually had bellybuttons, they would have been turned into outies, they were so full.

After the meal, Tigger (feeling Very Bouncy Indeed) wanted to play Hide-and-Seek. Pooh and Rabbit moaned and groaned, and said they were Too Full To Move. Piglet, who was Ever Obliging, agreed to play. Tigger sent him off into the Hundred Akre Woods to hide, while he covereh his eyes with his paws and counted to One Hundred. "One, two, three. seven-teen, thirty-something, over-the-hill, ninety-eleven, One Hundred!" he declared, and Bounced Off, pig hunting.

After awhile Rabbit told Pooh he had to answer a Call of Nature. This seemed Very Odd to Pooh, as he had not heard anyone calling, much less Nature. But Rabbit was a Friend, and so he Said Nothing. As Rabbit went off into the bushes, Winnie found himself watching his cute little cotton tail as it bobbed along. Goodness thought Pooh. I don't think I ever noticied that little pink eye beneath Rabbit's tail. I thought only white bunnies had pink eyes. And I do believe he Winked At Me. This gave Winnie-the- Pooh a great deal to think about while Rabbit was gone.

It wasn't long before Rabbit Returned (not to be confused with a John Updike novel). He was Most Distressed, waving his arms and hopping up and down in a way that made his tail bounce Most Charmingly. "Pooh! Pooh!"

"How Very Rude." scolded Pooh. "What have I said that you didn't like?"

"No, Pooh, your name, you Brainless Bear! You must Come Quickly! Tigger is eating Piglet!"

"What Nonsense," pooh poohed Pooh. Here The Author ducks many flying objects, then continues The Story. "While Tigger is Full of Energy and Obnoxious Exuberance, he is Hardly Dangerous."

"Oh no? Come see!"

Rabbit led Pooh through The Hundred Akre Wood to a Very Secluded Spot. There they peeked through the trees. Sure enough, Tigger was eating Piglet. The little pink porker lay on the ground, moaning and squealing helplessly while the Ferocious Beast devoured him. But the more Tigger ate, the MORE of Piglet there seemed to be!

Goodness! thought Pooh. I never knew what he was hiding beneath that Baggy Old Striped Jumper.

"Oh, dear! Oh, dear!" wailed Rabbit. "Whatever shall we do?"

"Leave quietly," advised Pooh. "I don't think they're interested in threesies or foursies."

"What ever do you mean, Pooh? How can we abandon poor Piglet to such a horror?"

"Poor Piglet seems to be Perfectly Happy right now," Pooh observed. "While I am feeling Distinctly Bothered. Hot and Bothered, to be exact."

"Oh dear! Now he's singing!" Rabbit was horrified.

Tigger had stopped eating Piglet and was now pouncing on him. He was singing, "The most wonderful thing about Tiggers, is Tiggers are wonderful things! We never forget to bring Rubbers. Our Butt never loses it's Spring..."

Piglet's chubby pink legs were up in the air, kicking wildly over Tigger's shoulders while the orange-and-black beast Bounced and Bounced and Bounced. "Oh Tigger!" he squealed. "You must come from Green Bay, because you are certainly a Packer!"

Pooh tugged Rabbit away from the Oddly Fascinating Spectacle (not to be confused with Oddly Fascinating Spectacles, which belong to Elton John). "Come on, Rabbit. They're only having Sex."

"What do you mean?" whined Rabbit. "He was Eating Him!"

"And Very Nice it was, I'm sure. Though I myself always prefer my pork with a hunny glaze."

"And he Bounced on him!"

"And Bouncing can be Very Fun, also."

"How do you know?"

"Shall we just say that I sleep with Christopher Robin every night, my fluff wasn't ALWAYS this tightly packed, and it is way past time for the boy to find a Girlfriend. Now, come along, Rabbit. I think there is still some Hunny left in the pot, and I can show you what I mean about being eaten. Then I can show you about bouncing, and I promise you, my Spring really deserves to be Capitalized..."

The End

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