A Little Fine Tuning
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Green Day - American Idiot
Wow, these emoticons are gay beyond all belief. It's almost insane...So much stupid stuff on the internet now a days (wow, overused phrase...?)

See, this is why I should train my ranting skills up. Apparently, the only person who reads this is Max. The reason for this is probably that I don't actually tell people about this blog if they don't find it on their own. And even then, some people don't become regular readers. So, it seems I am not putting out (heh) high enough quality content for these people who couldn't think up the things I type here if they were continually bludgeoned with a large, metallic object. Which wouldn't be a bad idea. Maybe a car fender, with duct tape around the thin, handle type, part so you wouldn't get cut or anything while the bludgeoning commenced. And all the while, I would be typing down crap that no one reads just for the sake of ranting.

Anyway, before I get carried away (which I either did, or soon would have), I'm going to do what I normally do, but this time, with more thought and possibly even gusto. Yes, I will most definitely use those words in this rant. I am pretty tired and may not have the greatest ranting capabilities, but I'll put forth the maximum effort allocated to me being an ass and possible entertain you.

Sexual Innuendo: An awesome tool, or just blatant cheap laugh machine?
I, personally, think both, but that's just my opinion. As is everything else I say/type in this blog. Yet, I still have people (maybe 2!) who read this and (very likely) agree with at least some of it, thusly spreading my opinions on to other people. Ah, the power of subliminal advertising. My plan in the next part of this rant is to do what I would normally do, but also add subliminal things to make you want something. If I do it correctly, it will be great, otherwise, it'll be a complete waste of time. Either way, I win.

So, on with the rant.
The world needs a lot of things. And the most needed thing of all is to build a massive building, around 100-150 stories high made of heavy duty steel (because dirt is heavy) and fill each story with a plantation. This would have to happen after we create a powerful enough spacecraft to go to jupiter or some other planet with insane amounts of hydrogen so we would have enough to easily soak them in it instead of soil. Not sure if this would be required (or possible without destroying the crops), but I'm sure something awesome would result. Anyway, put nutrients and whatever else the plants need into the hydrogen they are soaking in. Then, once all of the food was produced, we'd be able to sell it at low low prices and make lots of money and solve world hunger and whatever other awesome things would result.
Anyway, That's about all the rant I have. And I'm going to, once this rant is over, use what Max does as my ending thing. Just substitute my name and another phrase. It's sad to think that I actually typed this. Especially without any credible information. If I were forced to create a 'works cited' page for this I'd be screwed. In fact, here you go.

**Works Cited**

Rodriguez, Charlie, "The World Is An Oyster, Suck It Up", 6-14-99, p.28

Jeff, Screamin', "Trials And Tribulations Of A Stunt Diving Salesman: An Autobiography", 2-28-01, p.44

**

I'm Josh Allison, welcome to my nightmare.

Random Acts of Espionage
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Puddle of Mudd - Away From Me
The above icon represents not my mood, but the fact that quizzical is a great word.

Anyway, before the rant, I'll tell you why yesterday was awesome. It won't take long. I swear.

Yesterday, I went to a concert at the fair (the only real reason ever to go to the fair). It featured Puddle of Mudd, Nickelback, and a band I had never heard of called Finger 11. What was best, was our seats. Fourth row, center.

See, that wasn't even a waste of your time. Oh wait...wasn't that just me somewhat bragging? Nah...couldn't be.

Well, on to the rant which somewhat pertains to the title of this entry. What this country needs is a slow but sure progression into massive amounts of random espionage. what I mean by this is that the U.S. should send people to spy on randomly chosen places using what I'd like to call (if I ever invent it) the "random places to be espionage...d.. generator". This program/gigantically awesome machine (yet to be decided) would pick a random country other than the U.S. and print out a paper telling who and what the espionage would be.

Example:

Random Places to be Espionage...d.. v.3.4

Where: Uruguay
What: Espionage (the informative kind)
Who: Guy at the concert last night who could have made me laugh for about an hour if he would have passed out from screaming so much (hereafter known as Screamin Jeff the Spectacular Stunt Diving Salesman.
When: Once Screamin Jeff stops screaming enough to tell him about it.

Yep, it would be the greatest. Slowly go from once every month to once or twice a day. The other countries would just get used to it.

That's my idea people, get used to it.

Ranting is.....
Today, I had nothing to rant about, except that I finally got done with drivers ed, but that's about me isn't it? And for everyone who reads this (max), they know that this space is 90% devoted to annoyances and possible restitutions I should be payed for my greatness, and the other 10% is for other miscellaneous crap. This 'crap' consists mostly of crappy rants and me talking about things...

Well...

Okay, right now, on to the rant. What will it be about? Ranting. I am going to rant about ranting. Won't this be fun? Yes, I think it will.

Alright, some people can't rant. Those people need to be named. So, Max can go ahead and do the honors if he so wishes, because aside from his rantings (which are good), I don't read other blogs due to the utterly overwhelming amounts of crap. Seriously, just look at the poorly thought out demographic text (no picture....sorta defeats the prupose) I just made up.

My Blog of Rants:
Crap level: 10% or less
Awesome level: 90% or more

Other peoples rantings:
Crap level: 100%
Awesome level: 2%

Yes, for those of you who DID get an elementary education, that does equal out to more than 100%.
"But why, Josh? You're always on the ball! ROFL!" -- Mandy Lu Thorley
Well, I'll tell you, random person I just made up. See, I used the extra 2% to describe the endless ranting possibilities they give me. I mean, if I just read one of them, I would have weeks of great ranting content. But, I'm assuming that by reading all of this annoyingly stupid crap, I would slowly rid myself of my diamond edged wit. So, by not reading them, and thusly keeping my wit at it's current status, I will always give you seemingly interesting content.

So, it's that time again. Here's your thought.
"There's a large amount of annoying blogs on the internet, so get wise, and keep your eyes on the lookout for crap when you see it."

Time is for cooking and old people.....and cooking old people
When did people begin to use time as a measurement of more than how long something happens and age?

(note the awesome thesis statement)

It occurred to me earlier today that everyone seems to think that if you have more time in which to do something, you will be better skilled at it. Now, see, this makes no sense. Not just to me, but I'm pretty sure most of the people I know will agree when I say that time is almost the smallest part in the metaphorical elixir of skilledness (pro.: skill-ed-ness, enunciate my new words correctly, people). Where most of your skill comes from is practice and having more attention span (and possibly depth perception) than a fourth grader on a mixture of crack and ridilin, all washed down with three gallons of Kool-Aid (the kind with extra sugar you mix in yourself). Also, you can't be an old person. Old people mock my theory with those annoying phrases "I'm not old, I just have a lot of experience". Yes, a lot of experience...being old and cenile. Old people are somewhat annoying, but I have to say, some are pretty cool. One example: old people who don't care about being "old and nice and not swearing" around kids. The only good kind of old person is gonna talk about what their friends and them did as kids without dulling down their language.

Well, back to my argument. Now, I didn't say that time didn't have ANYTHING to do with skill. Just that it is a small part of it. And the only reason it is even part of it, is that without time, there would be no frame within which to put the practice. The depth perception and attention, however, cannot really be practiced. For those of you who don't know why these are not skills you can practice, here's your answer. First of all, for the depth perception, you would have to practice judging distance. And we all know that it's funny to mess with people. One example being to put a small, well printed, replica of what they are supposed to judge the distance of. Then, after they guess a large distance, walk three feet and pick it up, then give them a nice hearty laugh. As for attention span...they would probably forget what they were trying to practice and go eat some food. That's what I would do. It would be fun.

Okay, now, on to the real reason I wrote this. Earlier today, I realized that I have to hold my instructional permit for a full 6 months, no matter how much experience I have behind the wheel. No matter how much of a better driver I am than the majority of licensed Iowans. No matter how great I am in general, I still have to hold it 6 months. So, on Tuesday of next week, I will have every requirement except for time. I will have the skill, possibly even better skill than the driving instructors, but no license. And even when November 18th comes around, I will only have my intermediate license. That, I have to hold an entire year. A year of no driving past 12:30 pm and before 5:30 am. It actually isn't that bad, and I should stop whining. But, I did put forth a pretty good argument about it, now didn't I?

Here it is. Your thought. Well....Mine...
"If someone ever pays you back more than five dollars, and gives you change...I advise one thing. Throw a couple dollars at them and pick up as much as you can. It's fun, and usually only costs a dollar or two. That'll teach them to pay you in change, now, won't it?"

Good Music And Somewhat Easy Cash
Well, the title is a little backward, but anyway, it still says basically what I wanted it to. Why don't I just change it, you ask? I feel that would take a lot of extra clicking and/or over usage of the backspace key. And, back by popular demand, my theory is that everything has a span of life. So, thusly, I had better not use the key too much or that lifespan may shrink by a noticable .0001 %. And, frankly, people, I don't want to chance this.

Tehn my psots migt look likee thisi. amd that wouldtn be goodd would it??

Anyway, amongst that overly blatant mocking of anyone who was wondering the aforementioned thing, I noticed that I havent actually explained anything that my title said. A whole two things that could easily be explained, were not within the first paragraph. Wow. That is all I have to say about that. Just wow.

Well, on to why good music and somewhat easy cash is awesome. Oh, I'm figuring that most of you know why, but for those of you who don't, here's a quote for you.

"Here, have a ticket for one free punch to the face, redeemable the next time you see me."

Well, anyway, good music is awesome because....well....it always is. But it's much better when you listen to it after making $50. Much much better. And the somewhat easy cash is awesome because it was somewhat easy to get.

Well, that wasn't very informative, now was it?

Nothing to rant about...
Well, I have nothing extremely useful to rant about today...Maybe, if I thought enough, I'd think of something. Hmm....I've got it. I'll rant about how great it would be to see a penguin taking drivers ed.

So, here goes nothing.

It would be really, really great. And funny, because the instructor would be a foreign penguin and not speak the same language. Plus, the penguin taking the class would have to take notes on types of ice in the way and stuff. Wait, that wasn't a good topic at all...Eh, screw it.

So, until next time, How great would it be to see triumph the insult comic dog....in general? Super awesome, thats how great.

Wow, I am really pushing it with all of this non-hilarious stuff. I need sleep. But, later.

Brainstorm...Ahhh......smooth, smooth brainstorm
Ok, seeing that it is 3 am and all, I'm going to try and do a freeform blog entry. It may seem crappy at first, but hey, I have to be up in 5 and a half hours. Which is always fun. Once this entry is done, I'm guessing it will be about quarter to four. Leaving me with 4:45 left. What to rant about. Well, always when freeform doing something, you need to do a brief and quite fast brainstorm. Just to be sure that you get ideas that are decently generalized and easy to write about.

:: boom :: Brainstorm :: thunder ::

1. global warming: what a crock
2. bill clinton: what a whore
3. monica lewinsky: queen of whores
4. Jak and Daxter: why i still hate this game
5. job hunting: where did i put my shotgun?
6. interviews for jobs: yes, i am in fact awesome
7. telemarketers: please wait while we redirect you to hold
8. why 7 items is a bad amount for a list: i hate the number 7

Well, that seems like a good list. Which to pick though. Ahh, yes. I have chosen.

Job Hunting: Where Did I Put My Shotgun?

Well, actually, I just liked this title. But, then again, I did choose it, so I may as well rant.
Yes, jobhunting is a very annoying thing to me and most other people. Number one, it's hellaciously awkward/nerveracking during interviews, number two, a majority of it is a waste of time, and number three, why are applications so boring and useless?
Well, first of all, when people ask you what position you applied for, and you say customer service, that means basically anywhere and if an opening is available, they won't hire you. If you say the position you are looking for is "Anywhere is fine", they won't hire you. If you are perfect for the job, and apply, they won't hire you. The only way to even get an interview is put forth EXTRA effort and call them asking if anyone has seen their application. Then, you have a better chance of getting an interview. But then, the hiring can't be un-discriminant(if there is such a word). Even if it says in the fine print that there will be no discrimination. Only if there was no interview process, and the applications were more extensive would it not have any possibility whatsoever. But, I lept off track there for a minute. I swear, it will probably happen again.

Secondly, and finally for the sake of time, I will do a short rant on global warming. Global warming is a giant crock. It should be tossed out like other ideas of unintelligence. Didn't anyone notice that the 'holes' in the atmosphere were spreading out slowly in those picture they were showing? I am thinking this is to compensate for the lackk of atmosphere in the 'holes'. It seems a whole lot like diffusion to me.

Well, I'm done ranting. Hope I didn't horrifically change your life. Or do I?

Final thought: When exactly did being a complete and total idiot make you think you could criticize awesome people in chatrooms? The awesome ones will always win any and all arguments. Such as myself.

Orange Clockwork? Wait....
Well well well. That time again my little droogies. For those of you who haven't seen "A Clockwork Orange", the phrase 'little droogies' pretty much means friends. So, for those who haven't seen the movie, and hencely, don't know what little droogies are, you should definately go out and spend the dollar to rent it. You most likely won't like it, due to the immense british nature of it, but hey, past the british speech, it's got an awesome plot.

Beyond this point, I have no further to go, so, this will be all for now. And for anyone who feels angry because they went out and rented the movie, only to find that it was the worst piece of cinema they had ever seen...Send me hatemail, and I'll be sure to reply with comments on any spelling or punctuation errors, or even quite possibly, your views in general, by making fun of you and most likely the rest of your family.

Such an awesome movie. Here's a quote.
"And now you see, our humble narrator is being brainwashed."

No Car For You
Why is it that people in general, don't know how to drive? To me, it doesn't seem like a difficult task, but to other people, it's like trying to perform a vasectomy on an un-sedated wrestler. It's almost impossible to think that these people can even put the key in the ignition, let alone start the car.

I'd tell you why they annoy me so bad, but see...Well, nevermind, I'll tell you.

It's because I am a better driver than most people on the road. And I only have my permit. And, to add to their humility, well, not humility, because they have none. But, further pushing toward my point, I only have around 5 hours of total driving experience. The people I'm talking about have had years, and they STILL ride their brake because they don't know how to drive without using both feet. But, hey, it's not my car that will need brake changes 5 or 6 times more often than a normally driven car, now is it? Yet, they still bug me. This isn't the only reason though. The people who ride their brake are also the people who turn on their turn signal as close to their turning point as humanly possible, sometimes even in mid-turn. But, I, as the driver with only my permit, have to keep cool, and make sure not to crash into them doing 40 while blaring my music. I can keep my driving composure while blaring music.

Actually, it's not just the drivers that bug me. Anyone who interferes with me having a good joyride, basically, gets the "I hate you" award. Anyone who wins this award gets a ticket from me, good for one (or more) free punch(es) to the face. Redeemable at the point I give them it. But, beyond these annoyances, are some people who don't irritate me. These are the ones that if I am going the speed limit, will drive around, instead of being complete a-holes and tailgating. And for those who do that, I'm not ever in a hurry, so, I'll slow down for them. It's always a great way to almost physically force them to drive around. And if they don't, it's their choice.

Well, that's enough rant for today. Leaving you with a thought.

Next time you see an annoying kid staring at you that JUST WON'T STOP, be like the ninjas before you and dropkick them in the face.

Ridin along in my automobile...well, sorta
Today was good. In fact, I may even go to the extent as to say it was awesome. But, let me start at the beginning. Also, in shorthand.

Woke up,
Listened to radio,
Ate pizza,
Randy showed up with Lance,
Played pool,
Picked up Tyler,
Saw creepy kid next door who wouldn't STOP STARING,
Stared back,
Randy freaked him out,
Went to Lances Dads garage thing,
Played pool and arcade games,
Awesome,
Went to O'Reilly's and got fuse for Tylers car,
Went to change fuse,
Wrong fuse,
Returned fuse and got right one...that was right next to the wrong one,
Fixed Tylers car,
Sharp turns,
Dropped Lance off at his grandmas...I think,
Joyride,
Went to my house,
PS2, pool table, guitar, pizza,
Joyride,
Came back home,
People left.

And, therefore, today was great. And basically finished around 8-ish with all that.
Once I got home, watched this funny 'This Land' flash animation with G.W. and John Kerry. It was great. Thats all for now.

And always, I AM the voice inside your head. Shut up! No, you shut up.