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Story Jokes 4
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A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that he's
downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father is curious so he
wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's walking down the steps
he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a
nail into the wall.
He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with
your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"
His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these
chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock."
His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son,
give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen."
His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not.''
The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the
garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his
father where his Volkswagen was.
His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. The Mercedes is
from your mother."
Rating: 7
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse
was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
Rating: 6
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the
yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He
says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then
proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little
boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another
five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five
dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your
Grandma."
Rating: 7
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when
a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat,
pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be
reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting
honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the
occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could
give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on
some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as
the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell
is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the
little bastard!."
Rating: 6
To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The
following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because
6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in
the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had
to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt
you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to
improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get
more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the
sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil
it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was,
"Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing
around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can
work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife
Rating: 9
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