"Buying the Farm"

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to
a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line
the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. "Those hives are
pretty close to the road", he said.
The farmer explained that the bees just make honey and
have never stung anyone. The buyer felt unsure about the
sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree,
naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the
farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay
the farmer double the price. The farmer agreed and tied
the now naked man to the tree. The next morning the farmer
saw the man leaning over and very pale. "Oh no, the farmer
thought, he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!
"As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked
where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.
"No, no, I'm okay, "gasped the naked man, "I'll pay you
double for the farm, but doesn't that damn calf have a
mother?"

Rating 1-10: 10 being best. 7

"The Gift"

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right 
note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom
and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of 
panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got
the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the
contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart 
with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for
your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, 
but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were 
hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really
smart.

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to 
see you again.

"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them
away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. 
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing."

Rating 1-10: 10 being best. 9

A Visit To The Doctor"

A couple, aged 65 and 67, went to the doctor's
office. The doctor asked them, "What can I do
for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse?"

The doctor looked confused but agreed. When the
couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is 
nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." 
And he charged them $20.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple
would make an appointment, have intercourse,
pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, 
"Please explain, just exactly what are you trying
to find out?"

The old man responded, "We're not trying to find out
anything. She is married, and we can't go to her house.
I am married, and we can't go to my house. The 
Sheraton Hotel charges $52.00 and The Hilton Hotel
charges $37.00. We do it here for $20.00, and I get
$18.00 back from the insurance company for a visit 
to the doctor's office.

Rating:7

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree
in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him
was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went
back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's
house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and
proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man
asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you
happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep!  One time one of
my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We
all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed.  "Can you think of
anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people
happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my
neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big
posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took
her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything
ever happened around here that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a
few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got
lost once."

rating: 7

Blonde Joke

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

rating 6