WORK PLACE     NOTICES

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

DRESS CODE 
It is advised that you come to work dressed 
according to your salary. If we see you wearing 
$350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci 
Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and
therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress 
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money 
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and 
therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
in-between, you are right where you need to be 
and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as 
proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, 
you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. 
They are called Saturday & Sunday. 

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing 
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. 
Every effort should be made to have non-employees 
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where 
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to 
allow you to work through your lunch hour and 
subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. 
There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. 
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the 
toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open 
and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, 
your picture will be posted on the company bulletin 
board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need 
to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal 
size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced 
meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 
minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to 
drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here 
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, 
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, 
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, 
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, 
and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE MANAGEMENT