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This one is a genuine hoot. It was an actual 
letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by 
the Michigan Department of Environmental
Quality, State of Michigan.
Wait till you read this guy's response.......but 
read the letter before you get to the response........
***************************
Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, 
Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of 
Environmental Quality that there has been recent 
unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel 
of property. You have been certified as the legal 
landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris 
dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A 
permit must be issued prior to the start of this type 
of activity. A review of the Department's files shows 
that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the
Department has determined that this activity is in 
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of 
the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection 
Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of 
the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, 
causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. 
We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous 
and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore 
orders you to cease and desist all activities at this 
location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the 
dams from the stream channel. All restoration work 
shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been 
completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be 
scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this 
request or any further unauthorized activity on the 
site may result in this case being referred for elevated 
enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full 
cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact 
me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely, David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management 
Division

This is the actual response sent back........

Dear Mr. Price,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County.
Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed 
to me to respond to.
First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner 
and/or Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. 
I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in 
the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and 
maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet 
stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their 
dam project, I think they would be highly offended  that 
you call their skillful use of natures building materials 
"debris."
I would like to challenge your department to attempt 
to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place 
you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way 
you could ever match their dam skills, their dam 
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their 
dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are 
aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior 
to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to
discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) 
do you require all beavers throughout this State to 
conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular 
beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I 
request completed copies of all those other applicable 
beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps 
we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, 
Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public 
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 
of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't 
the beavers entitled to legal representation? The 
Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and 
are unable to pay for said representation - so the 
State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. 
The Department's dam concern that either one or 
both of the dams failed during a recent rain event 
causing flooding is proof that this is a natural 
occurrence, which the Department is required to 
protect.
In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond 
Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling 
their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to 
a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - 
but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did 
not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being
unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have 
a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the 
sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows 
downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to 
live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural 
Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its
name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers)
 and the environment (Beavers' Dams.).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this 
dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement 
action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring 
Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there 
will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass 
them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to 
a real environmental quality (health) problem in the 
area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in 
our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting 
the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you 
are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! 
(The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and 
being unable to contact you on your dam answering 
machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten