CRYSTAL LAKE, Florida -- Jason Voorhees filed suit with this week against State Farm insurance company, citing that their "outrageous" quote for life insurance has made it so it is impossible to acquire. Voorhees believes he is a good risk, given his consistent track record for cheating death. Even when he does die, Voorhees points out in his suit, he has the ability to "possess an unsuspecting virgin". State Farm defends their quote based on the facts that Voorhees has been drowned, thrown through a window, speared, hung from a barn, electrocuted, axed in the back, dragged, smashed in the face with a TV, drowned again, possessed, pushed through a metal grating, slashed up with razor, knifed, shot in head, had both arms broken, burned, was impaled on a barbecue skewer, severed with a machete, run over by a van, and crushed....as well as his family history of heart disease.

NAPLES, Florida -- A local boy, who's name is being withheld for this article, was allegedly molested by what he described as a "great pumpkin". This awful tragedy could have been avoided had it not been for the fact that his parents, Geraldine and Owen Van Patten, left the boy alone outside for hours. Apparantly the Van Pattens have a history of leaving their 2 children unattended. The parents have been brought into custody, and the two children have been placed into the care of the State of Florida, where they will likely be given to the first crack-ho lucky enough to be standing around.

VAN NUYS, California -- Tom Grant, 29, of Van Nuys, California, has recently discoverd that he has been possessed by the demonic soul of child killer Frederick, "Freddy", Krueger. Grant immediately turned himself into authorities after a brief stop at the Old Navy to purchase himself a nice, long sleeved, striped shirt. Grant told reporters in a sworn statement that his revelation came to pass after an unfortunate incident involving ass wiping, and a handful of knives. Authorities believe Grant is full of boo-hockey, but agreed to burn him alive in a school furnace just in case.

This letter was submitted by "Sprngsummer44"
in response to nothing in particular

"iam from nyc. and i like to fine job and apt. in miami kan you tell me hao i prishiet ."

sher I hav jub 4 u u ken bee mi koppee editur ok? u ned a plase 2 liv 2 huh. i fine u nise plase, peepil jest muved this hows her frum upnarth...it feechurs a battumlis pit frum hel and bleading wals and it wil kil u and i wil laf. Hop this tell u hao ...i prishiet yur leter.