Mood: don't ask
Topic: Reflections
The road to hell is paved with good intentions, otherwise known as the art of self shafting. As if getting shafted is not good enough, there is a further step called self shafting. I guess as I get older, I lose my sense of form (as I would call it) when it comes to communicating with a girl. Desperation? Admittedly, maybe... Lack of energy? Possibly... Resigned to paying my dues to God? Ah yes, most definitely. I suppose I am just human aren't I? God probably debilitated me in my abilities once he had fulfilled his end of the bargain. Jeez, payment's a bitch but I'll pay up (man of honour, that's why God agreed to the bargain. he wouldn't have agreed to most of you sods out there..). But then again, me being myself, am stalling and like I mentioned, still being human. I suppose one of God's most consistent tests is the test of faith - putting one's aspirations at peril or temptation (hey God's capable of that too - he taught the devil that trait). And, good Lord, I'm faltering here. But I guess the silver linings in this are these: 1) I was never denied the chance and taste of glory landing or going out with some of the best women and 2) I'm screwing up not because I never had it, but because I have been stripped of my prowess. Think of 2) as a sort of passage prepping me for the payment of my dues. The long road to cleansing and giving back is going to be a rough one but I guess I'll get used to it..
The series of double whammies (screw up on second chances) has been phenomenal in the last couple of years. Put the three possibilities mentioned above and there you go, the main reason for screwing up. I only think after I say or write. Sometimes, it just never occurs to me to say the right thing. The world is made in such a way that it is never about the best intentions but the phrasing of those intentions. The good news is that I'm reaching a point where I don't care. Now it is at a point where I almost don't care. Almost. Hence the problem. The bloopers are hilarious but they somewhat still hurt knowing I used to be able to do better.
Doesn't help that I'm quite broke too at the moment and I'm going to leave for a better place. It'll be a quiet goodbye. Not quite the stylish ending that I was looking forward to (one last visit to the museum, to SMU, to some estates and finally the grave of my best friend) before sriding off into the lovely sunset to elysium. I will have my elysium. Just not tomorrow. Not yet but hopefully. But lovely or not, the sun has set for my abilities and all that's left is for it to set on the time I have left.