The Most Annoying, Alarming and Appalling People, Places and Things in London and the Nation
Topic: Empty Fridge Light
Infighters, bitchers and troll-baiters. Okay, it's a release every now and then, but if you're slagging things down all the time, then you need to check yourself, get some psychological help from somewhere.
Shit drivers: culprits in Leiston, Suffolk; Blackheath, London; Sydenham, Sarf East London. Those pretty flashy things on the side of the car? They're mirrors. Those twinkly fairy lights on the other cars? They're signals and it's the damn law that you use them.
London Magazine Editors. For the madness of plastico fantastico
celebrity culture. Hey, let's take a bunch of overpaid self obsessed
over achievers whose worst fear is that they have no innate talent and are
valued for their looks alone, then stick them on the front of every magazine
in a bathing suit with none of the usual blatant airbrushing. That'll do
wonders for our eat-till-you-feel-better, bitching-helps-me-forget-my-woes,
never-judge-myself-harshly-when-judging-everyone-else-is-so-easy populace to
feel the self esteem they need to not buy shit mags, not buy
fad diets they won't stick to, and not walk around secretly hating
themself. Have you ever met a woman who doesn't secretly hate her body
in some way? Have you ever met a bloke (who's not BB5 Jason) who
doesn't fear he folds the flab just where he wants muscle? Isn't that just
a peachy culture in which to start publishing banner headlines like 'Best
and Worst Beach Bodies 2004'?
The weird thing is, if you look at a spread of these Sleb-Bitch-Mags, you
see the same outfits / bodies appearing on one mag's 'Best Dressed' page,
and another one's 'Most Mingin'. Yep, they're quite quite sure that we are
That Stupid as to swallow it.
Every single person who's ever been responsible at a senior managerial level for the crap that is our transportation system. Especially Mister Norris.
The London Eye. You order tickets in advance, queue for thirty six
years, to get into a pod half the size of a London single decker bus,
equally as crowded, and moving almost as slowly. If it's moving. Is it
moving? I can never tell if the thing's broken down or not. Why is it
such brilliant engineering? It's only pods on a ferris wheel, it's nothing
particularly new. If the same engineers could work out a decent checking in
system at Heathrow we'd improve the lot of twice as many tourists and
locals. That I'd call engineering. There's no view as such, because it's
uniquely situated in a spot where there's nothing in the distance to see.
They should have put it up on Hampstead Heath or somewhere with a vista.
The single positive redeeming feature is when it's lit up in blue, it looks
pretty from across the other side of the Thames. Which is the only place
you see it from, because wandering along the South Bank is just unpleasant.
But fuckit, we could light up any old building along the Thames in
blue. I vote Buck House, and the Lords. It'd be descriptive, at least.
The Nanny State. For a gazillion reasons. Look at the news, there's
practically a new reason everyday. Today's reason is their attempt to force
through a ban on smacking children, only just reduced to a compromise by the
Lords. Because that will stop child abusers, won't it? We all know they're
exactly the sort of person to worry if an action's illegal before
carrying it out. (Pity the same aversion to perpetuating a culture of
violence didn't apply in Iraq, huh?)
The state has no reason to criminalise activities when it is patently to
no effect. I almost imagine them sitting around the focus group
doughnuts, responding to a rise in the city's murder rates, and plotting how
they'll be seen to act strongly and decisively, by outlawing murder.
Ahem!
Even worse, the wankers who've moved seamlessly between politics and
entertainment. And then back again! I mean you, Portillo, Kilroy-Silk,
Widdecombe. Can they not at least pretend there's a difference?
The topic of getting away with murder reminds me: Shirley Porter. Nuff
said.
In fact, I'd like a few artists and writers on that list. Damien Hirst, Charles Saatchi, Richard Rogers, Germaine Grrrrrreer, Tom Stoppard, Harold Pinter, trading on past glories the lot of them. They're no more active artist than the personality-free jobbing radio DJs who plague the airwaves. But DJ's at least are moronic and talentless, they have somewhat more of an excuse. Add to that the partisan, nepotistic biased load of luvvies who run the Booker, Turner and Orange Prizes.
And why not the vacuous attends-the-opening-of-an-envelope-debutante-detritus that clogs up the more boring London clubs and means the floor's crowded with rich wankers who can't dance? Put every model, ever on that list, then top it with Sadie Frost and Sienna Miller. Snorting coke in a miniskirt is not a career.
The gayers. Okay so at one point in the eighties and nineties, gay
culture was interesting, invigorating, loud, reinventing itself, ahead of
the crowd. Now we're the most repressive group in society bar none
(middle england: never despair! vote us! vote the gayers! we want to
marry, join the army and become a priest!)
Our music's shit, we have
no decent politics left to speak of, we fail to stand up for any other
minority group because it just doesn't mesh with our citizenly rights to
snort cappucino, leer at McFly, gossip in an infantile fashion about
Franz Ferdinand and mad musical old biddies who are probably incontinent by
now. We (we the gayers) have too much money to fritter it away on
pretending we're still seventeen and the extra twenty years don't show. We
don't have children, we don't have pregnant partners, we don't have
commitments. We're potentially a massive, untapped economic force for
change. And what do we do with it? Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and
late night cloney bars that straights queue to 'patronise' because the drugs
are better. Do we mind if they give the snogging couple dirty looks? No,
take the money, quip a few one liners, lust after the ones who look like
they might be brutal. Pathetic.
The scene sucks. It sucks because the gayers suck.
I leave the obvious one liner open to you for completion.
Finally, a pertinent reprise:
Infighters, bitchers and troll-baiters. Okay, it's a release every
now and then, but if you're slagging things down all the time, then
you need to check yourself, get some psychological help from somewhere.
I'm off to follow my own advice.
Best Blo'te of the Day So Far: Exhibit 5a
"Ah yes, there is really nothing sweeter than coming into the office after a long weekend. If by sweeter you mean sucktastic, of course. I've never understood the logic of making your employees work the day after a long weekend. You should never have to work the day after you have more than one consecutive day off. Think about that for just a second and you'll see the brillance of my plan."
Updated: Tuesday, 6 July 2004 9:15 PM BST
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