How to do a date, Vanessa style:
Topic: Empty Fridge Light
Make sure you're hungover and knackered, from spending the last few days shitfaced.
Say so, it's bound to pep up the conversation. In fact, make it your opening line.
On the way to the date, wreck your car in the middle of a four lane pile up on the North Circular.
Spend a few hours looking winsomely pathetic at the side of a virtual motorway, for the delight of eight million blokes in white vans, it'll make you smell delightful.
Don't take anything for your cold or for your hayfever, so then the stink of the traffic can work its way through your allergy list and fight to come out on top.
When your eyes start streaming tears, make sure you don't have time to find a toilet to repair the make up streaming with it.
Snot drooling unbidden out of your nose is so a good look. Don't pack a hanky.
Greet your date with a look of alarm and the words "oh shit". You'll make an instant impression.
Wearing size fourteen flip flops stolen from Havaianas' Brazilian builder is so a good look. No, you don't need to get rid of that dead skin. Make a feature of it by spreading your pinkies up across the railings of the theatre, as if you're a chav at the movies.
You can't do better on a first date than pick the most pretentious show you've ever heard of, then sit there quacking affectedly about Dario Fo, William Burroughs, expressionism. Everybody loves a big head.
Belch loudly during the sad bits.
Remember to say at the interval how much you like Elton John, for that low brow touch.
Show her all your pictures of France. No, a hundred and thirty isn't too many. Don't worry that they're mostly all close ups of Pernod.
After, act masterful and sweep her off in a taxi to a Hoxton niterie where the mullets come thick and fast, and the DJ pratting about makes it too hard to hear what she's saying.
That way she won't notice so much when you go on and on about Big Brother. (Do remember to say 'Oh, no, I don't watch the programme'.)
It's okay if you drop a really stinky fart in the pub, then claim it by dashing out for a protracted toilet break. Sure, she'll think it was that gay guy next to you.
Then take her outside to explain the freemason symbols on the local church and tell her about that summer you spent taking photos of remnants of Jewish communities in the East End. Ward off the dangers of sounding interesting by pointing out that you did in fact forget to take a camera.
Get lost on the way to the tube, like a true local.
When asking directions, your mastery of East End geography will be complete if every time you say 'what up there?', you shoot your pointy arm out into a passersby's eye.
Doing it repeatedly to see if you might be cursed is perhaps not your best move, although you may have in fact been vindicated when your finger connected with an eyeball every single time.
If she invites you back, say 'nahhhh', and proceed to spout on about your million cats. Nothing's sexier.
Best Blo'te of the Day So Far: Reckless Writer
"I don't want to go into the touchy, weight issue territory but I just want to confirm my hypothesis about human behavior. I really wonder why I find fat men excruciatingly adorable but can't say the same thing about fat women? Fat men compensate for their chubbiness by being sweet and humorous. Fat women on the other hand compensate for the extra lipid by throwing their weight around by being arrogant bitches."