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They Nest: USA Original Crap

USA Original Crap


2000, Dir. Ellory Elkayem

Starring:
Thomas Calabro, Dean Stockwell

RATING

How the hell did this crap pull a 3.8?!?!?!?!?

Roughly translated into English, "USA Original Movie" means "This will suck". Their latest offering, "They Nest", is no exception. Set in Maine and striving for the creepy, isolated feel of Stephen King's "Storm of the Century", "They Nest" tells of a Maine island's struggle against an infestation of exotic cockroaches with strange nesting habits. A vacationing city doctor and the daughter of the proprietor of the town store try to convince the populace (roughly 2 dozen) of the menace to no avail, and make a miraculous escape. We are then treated to the typical "Three Months Later" happy ending with the ominous note at the end. There are many meaningless subplots including the usual outsider vs. locals, boring romance, and recovering alcoholism. The bugs are your average CGI. One plus - the scene where the roaches chase a hamster through its maze was hilarious. I can only hope that the creators of this movie weren't seriously trying to create suspense with it.

I'm not going to give this a blow by blow account, I'll just raise some points.

1. Since this is basically "Storm of the Century" with bugs instead of Satan, is the species name "Cerberus" supposed to lead us to believe that these are roaches from Hell?

2. Why is the outsider in these cases always a doctor?

3. Why is there always an old fool in these stories, and why does he never die?

4. Throughout the movie, the bugs either sting and kill, or overwhelm and nest. How do the two infested victims at the end not know what's happening to them?

5. Does every barn in Maine have a cavernous lower level with bales of hay, a car, and horses that you can only reach by falling though the rotting floor boards on the ground level?

6. Why do random people in this town have access to the Sheriff's office and keys to the cell?

7. Lastly, in an explosion that causes a ball of flame big enough to kill the entire swarm, how is it possible that the only thing that doesn't burn is the wooden rowboat that the protagonists are hiding under? Especially when it was just rowed through gasoline?

These are just a few examples of the nonsensical ludicrousness that is the USA Original Movie. Crap exists in many forms, children, not just in boxes in dark corners of video stores. It also has many outlets, for it has the minds of TV executives under its insidious sway. Be warned that crap film wants to get into your life, it wants to make you feel the pain that is "They Nest", "The Expendables", or anything starring Hulk Hogan and Carl Weathers. I can only do so much to protect you kids. Your remotes are beyond my control. I beg you, use them wisely.