Mr. Wonderful Explains Current Events

12/30/99: National Guard Call Up
12/27/99: Heavy Push for Light Rail
12/22/99: Hi-Explosives Stolen, Drake,AZ
12/21/99: K-Mart's Big Beaver
12/20/99: Y2K Fears Drain Currency
12/17/99: G.Woods vs. GMC Truck
12/13/99: Sun's Danny Ainge Quits
12/11/00: Gay Sex-Torture-Murder Ignored
12/05/00: Mars Polar Lander Vanishes
December 30, 1999: National Guard Soldiers Leave for Armory
National Guard Troops National Guard Soldier
Mr.Wonderful was astonished this afternoon to see a neighbor, in this area of $400,000 plus homes, dressed in his Army fatigues, leaving for his National Guard assigned stationing. Do you imagine our government, either State or Federal, has extreme concerns that are not being aired, concerning this Friday's date change?
December 27, 1999: Phoenix Govt. Heavy Push for Light Rail
Portlands Light-Train
I see that the City of Phoenix and City of Tempe leaders are beginning the push, again, for tax dollar powered light rail to service their respective downtowns. Do you know why governments get so excited about light rail, despite the $54 million average cost per mile? There are three reasons. Number one, Government absolutely wants to limit exactly where you can travel to. And you thought that they were only concerned with lowering pollution. For example, there were cities in the U.S.S.R. that only high government officials and the citizens of those cities ever knew existed. (Of course, many of those 'citizens' we would label as concentration camp prisoners.) The second reason is that government never relocates, so permanent, unmoveable, neighborhood scarring, incredibly expensive rails only make sense. New!Phx.Federal Bldg.& U.S.CourthouseGovernment grows like a cancer tumor staying where it begins. All of Phoenix City Government is headquartered within meters of where it was eighty years ago. If I still lived in the house I was born in on McDowell Road and 32nd Street, I'd be living in fear behind bars on my windows, my doors and my dog house. Of course, there would also be a topless bar in my front yard. The third reason that governments love light rail is that they get more of the money you've earned, spend it the way the see fit, and leave you poorer with less money to purchase that evil SUV. Read Another Ranting Fit Here
December 22, 1999: 1000lbs. High Explosives Stolen
Man & Fuse
FBI, ATF and State law enforcement still have not located the 750lbs. of fuel soaked ammonium nitrate, blasting caps and 250lbs of dynamite stolen from a Drake, Arizona mining site. According to Mr.Wonderful's sources, this single December 13th, 1999 theft was as a large amount that is normally stolen in Arizona during an entire year. I loved the Phoenix based news reader when she trilled, "...this was one-sixth as much explosives as Timothy McVey used." Duh!
December 21, 1999: K-Mart Corporate Offices on Big Beaver Road!
A Beaver Good Looking Rosie
Nothing earth-shattering today, but are K-Mart's corporate offices located on 'Big Beaver Road' in honor of their biggest shill, Rosie "I'm a Marxist" O'Donnell?

December 20, 1999: Y2K Drains Banks of Currency !
Ye Olde C Note Undocumented Y2K Meteor
Through his exclusive sources, Mr. Wonderful has learned that north Phoenix bank's coffers are being emptied of currency faster than Monica emptied Bill Clinton. Interviewing a confidential source in the banking industry, Mr. Wonderful uncovered the fact, that a single teller handed out more than $60,000 in cash today. And that that particular branch location ran out of $50 and $100 bills! Running out of cash may not be that unusual except that these bank branches typically keep hundreds of thousands of dollars vaulted in order to cash the payroll checks of the thousands of undocumented aliens that wash our SUV's, mow our Kentucky Blue Grass winter-lawns, and work in our E-Coli infested fast food industry.

December 17, 1999: Grant Woods Rejoices In Law Firm's Win
 Chevy Truck, More Expensive Next Year
Grant Woods, struggling radio entertainer in Phoenix, celebrated the win of $4.2+ million by a team of lawyers he was familiar with. It seems, a senior citizen, made destitute by high taxation, stopped her Chevrolet Sierra pickup truck to collect a couple of chairs someone else had thrown out. Her lawyers claimed that she put her truck's gear selector into 'PARK', but clearly did not set the parking brake or turn the ignition off. Ticket to Riches?Right! This resulted in the gear selector slipping out of 'PARK', into 'REVERSE' with the truck backing over her, crushing her to death. In the old days, this would have been just another unfortunate accident caused by carelessness (carelessness inflamed by the 'something for nothing' notion that has replaced the 'Judeo-Christian Work Ethic.') However in today's world, lawyers see it as a means to finance their sorely needed summer getaway in Vail, Colorado. And juror's see it as their chance to someday win the 'Legal Lucky Lawyer Lottery.'

December 13, 1999: Phoenix Sun's Coach Ainge Quits !
Jerry the C, King of Phoenix Millionaire & Good Father of Six
Phoenix Sun's basketball coach Danny Ainge quits unexpectedly this week. He gives family concerns, and his six children as his reason ... blah, blah, blah. Who cares! If these sports fanatics who have memorized the shoe size of every left handed center since Lou Al Cinder would show one-half that enthusiasm for their own job, their own business, their own profession, their own life, their own family, they would live far richer lives than these millionaire sports figures. Get a life guys, you are no longer teenagers, playing on the varsity and working part-time at the Northern Drive-In.

December 11, 1999: Homosexual Sex-Torture & Murder Of 13 Year Old Ignored
The Media Couldn't Ignore Andrew
On September 26th, 1999 Davis Don Carpenter and Joshua Macave Brown in a homosexual rape torture tryst murdered thirteen year old Jesse Dirkhising. They are charged with capital murder and six counts of rape. The death penalty for each is a possibility. Mr. Carpenter and Mr. Brown are both male homosexuals. If they had been Christians and they committed these acts using an 'assualt' rifle, while smoking unfiltered Camel cigarettes, the smallest detail of their heinous sex-crime-murder would have been battered into every Americans' consciousness by our Marxist-Socialist cadre of 'news readers.' As it is, since Mr.Brown and Mr. Carpenter were male homosexuals, a protected class according NBC, ABC, CBS and their competitors,' this awful crime went virtually unnoticed and unannounced. Don't believe me? Visit your favorite search engine and enter the unusual name 'D i r k h i s i n g' and note how many references appear. The non-coverage of this sick, sex-crime-murder, simply because it involved gay perpetrators, exposes the selective attention the major media employs to parade its warped view of this country and the world. Visit the Washington Times Weekly Edition dated November 29-December 5, 1999 for the disgusting details."Find Another Column Here"

December 5, 1999: Polar Lander Backer's Frozen
Polar Crasher I Salute Art Bell
At NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory long faces are the reign. It seems these scientists have heard nothing from their fabled Mars Polar Lander, propelled by 165 million dollars of U.S. Taxpayer's money. In September of this year, after the Mars Climate Orbiter burnt up in the Red Planet's thin atmosphere, which was quite a feat in itself, at a cost of 125 million taxpayer dollars, J.P.L. scientists are now rapidly propelling out their resumes. Taking the blame for these failures are "shortcuts, too few people working on the projects, and overworked, under-trained employees." Hell guys! That's the way it's been since day one in the private sector. And if we lost $290 million dollars inside of eighty days, heads would be rolling and projects would be terminated! NOTE: Without the Mars Polar Lander's surface tests, we may never know if ant-lions exist in the soil of our closest neighbor.

To Prior Page
To Prior Page
To next Page
To Next Page