Mr. Wonderful Explains Current Events

12/03/99: Judson School Sold
11/24/99: Scandal & Suicide at Hillsdale
11/15/99: NTSB Dumb & Dumber
11/11/99: Hull & Haute Monde
11/09/99: MW Grills Pilot
11/08/99: Grant Woods Saves Thousands
10/31/00: 217 Die in EgyptAir Crash
December 3, 1999: Judson School Campus Sold !
Tower Filled with Drachma's
Mr.Wonderful has learned today that Paradise Valley's Landmark Judson School campus has been sold, to a land developer, for a rumored $17 million. Stephen On Horse Naturally, this is the school that educated, Stephen, Mr.Wonderful's oldest son. This school proved a wonderful place for Stephen to be educated. Too late, Mr.Wonderful discovered that Judson Boarding School was the place that wealthy and trendy parents from Japan to Iran sent their kids to be raised by strangers. As a matter of fact, Stephen became good friends with John Browning III, descendant of the inventor of the model 1911 Browning automatic pistol.

November 24th, 1999: Scandal - Suicide at Hillsdale College !
Authors, George Roche & Lissa Roche man handling his trout
Today in the postal mail, Mr. Wonderful opened the November 9th, 1999, resignation letter from Dr. George Roche, President of Hillsdale College. His letter intones, "I am nearly 65 years of age and have no wish to continue." Rumors are that Dr. Roche, for the past eighteen years had been carrying on an affair with frequent traveling companion and right hand 'man,' Lissa Roche. Unfortunately Lissa Roche was not his wife, she was his son's wife! Lissa Roche, confessed the affair to her husband and then to confirm it, fatally shot herself in the head. How very sad. And how sad it is that a great intellect and Christian man like Dr. Roche could not keep his trouser trout reeled in. I understand that the other Mrs. Roche kept throwing it back in.

November 15th, 1999: NTSB Dumb and Dumbfounded
Jim Hall,NTSB
Jim Hall, chairman of the NTSB, read a statement on the investigation of EgyptAir Flight 990 which revealed nothing. He then fielded questions and answered each by referring back to his previous statement. This is your federal government at work. Dip-shit national news commentators are inferring from Mr. Hall's statement that the FBI will soon take over the case. Hell, the FBI already has over 250 agents on the case. According to MW's exclusive sources, the Boeing company, using sophisticated data gleaned from the recovered data recorder, is intending to run simulations, at its Washington manufacturing plant, of the EgyptAir's 767 flight's drop from 33,000 feet to 16,000 feet and then its' rise again to 24,000 feet and its' final fall.
EgyptAir Wings of Wax Here is what Mr. Wonderful has uncovered so far:
While cruising at level flight, the 767 was taken off "auto-pilot." Eight seconds later the plane dove at an angle reminiscent of a WWII German Stuka dive-bomber. The descent was caused by intentionally reducing throttles to the 767's two engines. The airliner reached 770 MPH and, similar to when a car hits a dip in the road, the passengers experienced 8 seconds of weightlessness. At the bottom of the dive, the horizontal flaps (the elevators) on the 767's tail, which help control the plane's ascension or descension, were set so one was up and the other was down. Obviously not a sensible position for a 'Jumbo-Jet' diving at almost thirteen miles per second. Shortly thereafter, the "run"/"cutoff" switch in the cockpit was switched to "cutoff." Mrs.Wonderful ponders whether or not the EqyptAir pilots were attempting to dodge a heat-seeking missile.
Click here for explanation and diagrams of how the ELEVATORS work

November 11th, 1999: Hull & Haute Monde Study on Stadium
A.S.U.Sun Devil Stadium
Earlier this week, lame-duke Arizona Governor Jane Hull, aka, Governor Tootsie, and Arizona cognoscenti, confabulated schemes for either building a new stadium or massively revamping the existing Sun Devil Stadium. Of course, they mulled over the notion of doing this with tax dollars collected from all Arizonan's (even illegal aliens, who are known to prefer soccer.) These notions were being discussed in order to entice lame-duck Arizona Cardinal's owner, Bill Bidwell, not to relocate his loser team to Haiti. Why are government collected tax dollars routinely considered as a legitimate source of funding for these professional sports businesses, their multi-millionaire owners and players?
November 9th, 1999: Mr.Wonderful Grills Jumbo Pilot
Boeing 747-400
This afternoon, Mr. Wonderful interviewed a Boeing 'Jumbo-Jet' pilot. This pilot revealed that the EgyptAir 767 Flight 990, probably had a thrust reverser come on. He stated that this would cause the aircraft to instantly begin a barrel roll, and while the 'event' is recoverable, it probably happened so quickly that the pilots could not respond swiftly enough to avert disaster.
November 8th, 1999: Grant Woods Saves 100,000 Lives
closet liberal Grant Woods 1-800-578-7453 B&W's Funny Phone Message! This afternoon while shilling for the movie, The Insider, former Arizona Attorney General and struggling talk-show host, Grant Woods, accused tobacco company executives, at Brown and Williamson of lying in court and that lying resulted "... in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people." The 'lying' Grant referred to was the denial by Brown and Williamson executives that nicotine was addictive. Think a moment with me now. For decades people considering smoking have known that inhaling the products of burning tobacco could cause cancer, heart disease, stroke and emphysema. And yet they started smoking in droves ... and in Dodges, and in Chevy's. Does anyone imagine that if these same people were aware, prior to lighting up their first cigarette, that smoking was also addictive, they would have not still begun the deadly habit?

October 31th, 1999: 217 Die in EgyptAir 767 Crash
EgyptAir Barf-bag Boeing 767 This morning, EgyptAir Flight 990 plunged into the Atlantic Ocean, 60 miles south of Nantucket. According to Mr. Wonderful's anonymous sources the stricken plane was falling at a rate of 2,098,800 fps or 350 mph. The 350 mph rate is essentially equal to a free-fall, indicating that the aircraft was not under a 'controlled' descent. The F.B.I. promises to thoroughly investigate the incident and discover if criminal activity was involved.

exclusive MW Photo Flight 800 According to James Sanders, author of The Downing of TWA Flight 800, over one hundred witnesses interviewed by the F.B.I. in that disaster, stated that they witnessed a "streak of light" beginning at the horizon and terminating with an explosion higher up in the atmosphere. The F.B.I. discarded these eye witness testimonies and blamed the TWA Flight 800 destruction on the incredibly improbable hypothesis that a fuel tank exploded. Is this EgyptAir calamity, a manufactured crash, by persons unknown, to 'prove' that Boeing 'Jumbo Jets' do indeed experience fuel tank explosions? Stay tuned ...

To Previous Page
To Prior Page
To Next Page
To Next Page