Mr. Wonderful Explains Current Events

1/26/00: AZ AIMS Test Misses
1/23/00: MW vs. String Trimmer
1/22/00: McCaffrey Censor's Networks
1/20/00: Anti-Gunfire Law Works!
1/19/00: Grant Woods & Seton Hall Fire
1/14/00: American Edukation
1/13/00: Clinton Supports Cigar Smoker
1/11/00: Radical Fuller Brush Uniform
1/08/00: Illegal Alien's Cash In @ Court
1/06/00: George Harrison Saved by Knife
1/03/00: Lopez Loves Puffy Violence
1/02/00: Y2K OK So Far
January 26, 2000: Arizona's AIMS Test Misses
Even though 92% of Arizona's high school sophomore's flunked the math portion of the AIMS (must-pass-to-graduate) test given last spring, our Arizona Educrats are not adding to high school math studies. Lisa Graham Keegan Instead they will move math classes that were formerly taught in junior and senior school years into the freshman and sophomore semesters! On another front, the Arizona House of Representatives have exempted the AIMS test results from the Arizona Public Records Law! But, as usual, Mr.Wonderful's column today has another lesson. That lesson is, consider if we were to have 'National Test Standards' issued by our Federal Educrats: Our public school system would respond by teaching exactly what answers are needed to pass the 'National Test.' If Washington's test includes questions on how 'great' F.D.R. was, and how President Lyndon Baines Johnson 'saved' the poor of this country, our children will be taught that Franklin D. was highly esteemed and no 'citizens' opposed his policies and that L.B.J. did indeed save the wretched poor of this country.

January 23, 2000: Mr.Wonderful Conquers The Impossible
string trimmer...doesn't cut string worth a damn!
Of course no one, NO ONE is surprised by our headline. Because Mr.Wonderful daily achieves the impossible. Today Mr.Wonderful performed the task that has been deemed as arcane as uncovering how Egyptian mummification was accomplished, or proving a theory using quantum physics or setting the time on a VCR player. Today Mr.Wonderful, after searching out, discovering, down loading and deciphering the instructions, did successfully install new string on his Weed-Eater trimmer!

January 22, 2000: Barry 'Big Brother' McCaffrey Recants Network Censorship
If this wasn't the end of a lame duck liberal administration (too bad I can’t write 'limp duck') your major media would have never broken this news. Here's the story, or should I say script. I'm sure you've all seen the anti-drug PSA’s (Public Service Announcements) run at night on NBC, ABC, CBS, FOX, and the WB networks. Recall the classic PSA with the girl comparing heroin addiction to destroying a middle class kitchen with a frying pan? (Was it a Cephalon?) Orwell's 1984...must reading In the past, these networks, forced by the holder of their broadcast licenses, i.e. the FCC, would allocate free air time to federally created anti-drug PSA's. The 'free' air time these messages consumed would amount to that much less time the networks could sell to paying advertisers. In any one year, these free PSA's would cost the networks millions of dollars in lost advertising income. That is because if the networks did not run the 'free' PSA's, in their place they could broadcast a paid advertiser's solicitation. What the Office of National Drug Control Policy proposed (and then implemented) to the networks is, "If you let our people review the scripts for your shows,-prior to broadcasting-AND they contain in our opinion, a 'strong enough' anti-drug message, you will not be required to air our free anti-drug PSA’s.” With the federal government reviewing the very words of programs prior to broadcast, this policy is the textbook definition of censorship. If the 1960s strongly anti-drug Nixon administration had implemented this plan, the major media would have exposed it immediately and insisted that the president, Pat, Tricia and the dog, leave the White House the same day! As it is, you will only hear a casual mention of this incident with no explanation as to its actual importance.

January 20th, 2000: Anti-Gunfire Law a Success
Silver AZ Sign Black Powder Gunfire
Arizona's recently enacted 'Shanon's Law,' which terms discharging a firearm into the air in celebration (because fire crackers are illegal in this state) was termed a New Year's Day success. The Phoenix Police Department alone fielded over five hundred calls reporting this new felony crime. The Valley's Gendarmes cuffed and charged one lonely, stupid, individual with this offense. One arrest out of five hundred reported violations of this statue, and in the eyes of the media and Mayor Rimsza we have 'enforcement' success. Are these the same people who want the 'winning' Arizona Cardinals to stay? Is Mr.Wonderful alone in thinking that we have enough laws?

January 19, 2000: Grant Woods Solves Smoldering Issue
General Grant tobacco man
Struggling afternoon talk-show host and daytime former Arizona State Attorney General, Grant Woods, has the solution for the tragic fire that killed three students at New Jersey's Catholic University, Seton Hall. The solution is to retrofit all the older buildings on campus with fire sprinklers. Since the fire was rumored to be caused by a student 'falling asleep' with a lit cigarette, wouldn't it make more sense to ban all smoking in any university building without existing fire sprinklers? That's the problem with 'moderate' Republican's like Grant, they think exactly like liberals. Whenever there is a choice between spending millions of dollars or demanding personal responsibility, they always go for the bucks.

January 14, 2000: Good News about American Education ... Not
Teacher & Chalk Board The American Youth Policy Forum, undoubtedly founded by a former NEA teacher, is "spreading the good news about public education in America." For the most part, this is crap! At Mr.Wonderful's daughters highly rated secondary school (highest SAT/ACT scores in Arizona) there was more educational effort placed on "cultural differences," "homophobia," the work of "Amnesty International," and how horrible cigarette smoking is, than on academic studies. CHS Alumni:Click to see her & friends CHS Mascot Parents! Pick up and read about American History in your child's high school text book. Compare the history you lived versus the negative left-leaning lies you leave on the pages. Even when an 'open-campus' policy results in the death of several students, today's campuses continue to stress student freedoms. Mr.Wonderful was also shocked when he attended, at the school, a student written and performed skit whose subject was menstruation and the stains it can leave on a pair of Guess? jeans! My wife's experience at Grand Canyon University, at that time Grand Canyon College, as she was preparing to become a educator, was that the majority (51%) of the "teacher candidates" were some of the dullest and dumbest individuals on the campus. This perception was reinforced several years ago when the State of Arizona proposed that all state certified teachers pass a test, probably multiple choice, that was set at the assumed knowledge level of an Arizona eleven year old. The teacher's and their union protested so voraciously that the State hastily dropped the proposal.

January 13, 2000 : Evil Administration Supports Cigar Smoker
Ceegar Smokin' Communist Castro k.d.Reno
Doesn't it just figure that this Clinton Administration, the one that can't stop the 35,000 illegal aliens streaming across the Arizona border every month CAN find the time and the resources to insist that a lone, mother less, child must be returned to Castro's Communist Cuba? This is a truly evil executive branch, with its Attorney General gayly attired in a gun belt notched by the scores of children it murdered at Waco, Texas.

January 11, 2000: Fuller Brush Introduces New Uniform
21st Century Fuller Brush Head-Dress
Fuller Brush Company debutes their uniforms for the 21st Century. The venerable door-to-door sales business has decided that if their sales force dresses in this manner, the harried housewife peering through her peep-hole, seeing the easily recognizable head-dress will more readily open her door and her purse to the company.

January 8, 2000: Illegal's Cash-In In Court
EEOC & NLRB Whipping Boy Strummin' Amigos
Mr.Wonderful read with dismay that nine illegal immigrant housekeepers were awarded $8,000 each because a Holiday Inn Express had supposedly fired them for organizing a union. While it is clearly unlawful for Holiday Inn to knowingly hire illegals, I find it despicable that these individuals, here illegally, will receive, after the bus-bench lawyers take their 40% slice, whatever remains. Had they attempted to form a union in Mexico they would have been 'knee-capped' or murdered. In the Estados Unidos our own N.L.R.B. rewards them and sends them back to Mexico as (peso) billionaires. Economic conditions will never improve in Mexico as long as their citizens can easily flee to the U.S. to find their fortune. The United States, where hundreds of thousands of free citizens have perished founding, defending and maintaining our Constitution.

January 6, 2000: Knife Spares George Harrison !
Castle 'o Harrison
Steve Wilson in today's Arizona Republic claims that due to Britain's strict gun laws George Harrison's life was spared by Michael Abram, a 'lesser-armed' knife-wielding assailant. George Harrison I ask Mr. Wilson, if British Gun Laws make London life so secure, why does Mr. Harrison live in a faraway manse surrounded by fortifications gilded with razor-wire, monitored by 24-hour surveillance cameras, and patrolled by potentially lethal guard dogs? Rather than credit British gun laws with saving Harrison's life I would credit the fact that Mr.Abram did not use a knife with a blade just two inches longer. Mr.Wilson compares the probable damage of bullet holes versus stab wounds, naively assuming bullets would have more likely resulted in death than a slashing knife. (Don't query the deceased Ron Goldman or Mrs.Simpson about that Steve.) Mr.Wonderful's neighbor, who several years ago was shot nine times, lived and still has not returned my Husqvarna chain saw demonstrates that naivete. The 'lax' seventeen thousand gun laws of these former British Colonies are one reason that the Labor Department and the NAZI-templated Occupational Safety & Health Agency withdrew proposed regulation of firearm owning Americans who tele-commute and work from home.

January 3, 2000: Lopez Attracted to Puffy Violence
Jen Leaving NYC Cop Station Entering MW's Limo Puffy Combs Entering Police Station
Mr.Wonderful can no longer hide what he knows to be true. Latino women, like the full-figured, gorgeous Ms. Lopez are attracted to violent men. This is because the 'Latin Culture' is steeped in violence. I'll always remember the five, U.S. born, Hispanic-Americans whom I worked with. Their age range was from the early sixties to the early twenties. We got around to talking about stab wounds (I was kidding, they weren't) and I was shocked when I was told by four of these men that they had been stabbed at least once during their lifetime's. These guys were not criminals and to my knowledge had never been to jail, well, for more than overnight, that is. This is one example of what the much heralded 'multi-culturalism' is bringing to our already violence-prone society. More violence.

January 2, 2000: Y2K OK So Far
"I Am a Happy Chillen'" "Happy Happy Joy Joy" "I Am Happy Rupin" "Another Friggin' Day @ the Office!" "Art Bell, You Dolt!" "What do I do with all this stuff?"
Mr.Wonderful was not the only person happy to see that nothing horrible happened as the civilized world entered the 21st Century. I was in rustic Morristown, Arizona at the turn of the millennium so it was difficult to discern if anything devastating was occurring. Turned out there was a blaze in a wash near my mother-in-law's house and three fire engine tankers were filling up with water fifteen yards away.
"Bang!" "Not AC/DC, Just DC" Glug Chevron Gasoline, The Best! "Rat-A-Tat-Tat!" Bzzz-Bzzz-Bzzz! "Blub, Gurgle, Splurt !"
Mr.Wonderful did make a few minor purchases prior to 2000. Those being: batteries (which I stock anyway) bottled water (in sport bottles we drink anyway) twenty-four cans of SlimFast (we're starting a diet anyway) 30.06 and 40S&W ammo (which you never can have enough of) and ten gallons of gasoline (for my two motorcycles, which I can pour into the tanks of my fleet of vehicles anyway.) I feel sorry for those folks who made extensive and expensive preparations!

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