Mr. Wonderful Explains Current Events

10/25/99: Payne Stewart Makes 1-Hole
10/14/99: MW Phone Polled
10/11/99: Steve Benson, A Cop?
10/05/99: Victoria's Witness
10/05/99: D-Back's Meet Mets
10/04/99: NSA's Backdoor to Windows?
09/30/99: Adult Game Playing Illiterates
09/27/00: Hillary's Jewish Relative
09/26/00: AWA and Why Colangelo is Rich
09/23/00: Grand Jury Calls MW
October 25th, 1999: Payne Stewart Dies in Lear Jet Crash
Lear Jet color blind 
Payne Stewart Payne Stewart and five others died today in the crash of a private Lear Jet after it flew on autopilot for four hours, finally running out of fuel and burrowing itself at 600 mph into the South Dakota landscape. Mr. Wonderful, being raised in a golfing family, has a hypothesis on what may have caused the crash. I suspect that Payne was allowed access into the cockpit and quickly talked both pilots into somnolence recalling, stroke by stroke, every golf game he had ever played.

October 14, 1999: Mr. Wonderful Phone Polled!
survey clipboard Mr.Wonderful, world renowned egghead, is surveyed by the left-leaning Phoenix, Arizona based Behavior Research Center. M.W. gave President Clinton a "poor", Senator McCain a "good", and "excellents" to both Senator Jon Kyl and Congressman John Shadegg. M.W. says not only "no" but "hell no!" to Bill Bradely's national health insurance for kids, more gun laws and stricter emission controls for autos.

October 11, 1999: Cartoonist Steve Benson A Cop
Ezra Taft Benson Arizona Republic world renowned satirical cartoonist, grandson of deceased LDS leader Ezra Taft Benson, reveals on the Boze and Company radio program this morning that he is a police officer in one of the Valley of the Sun's cities. Benson answers citizens questions with, "Do I have to draw you a picture?"
October 5, 1999: Victoria Jackson of SNL Fame Witnesses
Mancow Show 103.9FM Victoria Jackson appearing on the totally sleazy Mancow Radio Show today, when informed by 'Meatloaf' and the 'Mancow' that they no longer attended church because of all the "hypocrisy" replied, "Well, we're all sinners, and that's why Christ died on the cross." Way to go Victoria !

October 5, 1999: Arizona Diamondback's Face New York Mets
100 mph balls! Former circus-star, now 54 million-dollar-man, Randy Johnson will be hurling tonight against the salt-water guzzling New York Met's. The price for seats that can see the field using only a ten-power binocular are well over $100 each. Per game. While at the BOB, take a gander at the seats down the third base line, near home plate. Stop when you see the 'Jimmy Carter' $mile on Jerry's face. (Mr. Wonderful, meanwhile, will be pursuing his dream, by continuing to train as an actor at The Herberger Theater Center tonight. "Come on! Leave me one friggin' parking space, guys!")

October 4, 1999: NSA Backdoor to Window's O.S.?
NSA's Back Door Ok, I admit this is a little late, but with the WACO investigation revealing what lying, murdering S.O.B.'s we have in our federal government, this item becomes pertinent. The New York Times reported that a Canadian cryptographer analyzing a piece of Microsoft software discovered an element labeled, "NSAKey." Andrew Fernandes reveals that this key (backdoor) would allow any government agency to load 'security software,' with extreme ease, onto any machine running Microsoft Windows. What is 'security software?' Anything the feds label, 'security software.' Of course, the 'Illiterates'(see below) remain unconcerned. Now, where is my CD from Red Hat?

September 30, 1999: Illiterates
nerds playing Starcraft, Brood War With nothing happening today, other than a Japanese nuclear fuel processing plant spill, an earthquake in Mexico, mosquitoes spreading encephalitis, "dogs and cats living together," I was struck by the fact that so many adults play video/computer games. In 1980, I got burnt-out on Matell-Avision inside of a month. In 1995 I beat Wolfenstien, killed Hitler and was once again burnt out. Basically, in fifteen years, nothing had changed. Video games/Computer games are a way to waste what little precious time we have on Earth. Why do so many adults play video games? Because they are illiterates! They can't read. They can't put thoughts together. They don't comprehend the magnificent gift we have been given just being born in these United States. Someone said, "A man who does not read, is no better off than a man who cannot read."

September 27, 1999: Hillary Rodham Clinton's Jewish Relative Found
See Hillary's Closest Jewish ancestor
and does anyone know anything about those shiny black Suburbans with the antenna arrays and dark 'limo-tint' on the windows seen occasionally tailing Mr.Wonderful around Scottsdale?

September 26, 1999: Arizona Republic Reveals Colangelo Sweetheart Deal!
Bike Path closed America West Arena's commissions to Premier advertising, negotiated by Jerry 'Lord-of-Phoenix' Colangelo, are far too generous. Compared to another city's stadium, which had also contracted with the Premier advertising agency, A.W.A.'s commission percentage to Premier was 60% higher, with a dollar goal for actual advertising income set 36% lower. The City of Phoenix, with a $102 million investment in the America West Arena, through 1998, received less income than Premier did. In other words, the citizen's of Phoenix, who invested 102,000,000 tax dollars building the stadium, received less income than an advertising agency with a zero dollar investment. This kind of horse-shit happens when a city joins in financing a public arena. Mayor Rimsza is more concerned with re-zoning his street, permitting a guard gate on the road to his new mountain-side home while our Town Council is too busy making certain every major Phoenix street gets narrowed by painting a bike lane on each side, to notice these obvious anomalies. Horse-shit!

September 23, 1999: MW Called To Appear in Federal Grand Jury!
If I Had a Hammer, I'd Hammer in the Morning... Yes, MW received a summons for United States District Court, as a 'potential JUROR! Right! I've been called for potential jury duty before and the only people selected were ancient females, retired males, government employees (of any age) and Jerry Springer fans and guests. What a joke! It is so sad that these classifications of individuals are making the decision in so many court cases. These are the morons who assign judgments of billions of dollars for the loss of one nondescript person's life who maybe in his or her entire lifetime might have been worth a million dollars, only if winning the Powerball Lottery the night before.
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