Mr. Wonderful Current Events,Page

Mr. Wonderful Explains Current Events

3/27/00: Oscar 2000 Tears
3/24/00: Hillary High
3/22/00: Cybill Shepherd, Slut?
3/19/00: EPA Attacks SUV's
3/18/00: JFK Jr. Pays For Piper
03/15/00: YOU Need Mass Transit If:
March 27, 2000: Mr.Wonderful Weeps

As many of you know, Mr.Wonderful is also an actor. Last night, at a business related get-together Mr.Wonderful, along with other scions of society, watched Oscar's 2000. Attempting to staunch my tears, I almost bit my tonge in half. The hardest part, with my teeth tearing at my taste buds, my eyes shimmering with joy, was when Angelina Jolie, daughter of actor Jon Voight, was making her acceptance speech. MS.Wonderful as White Rabbit 1993You may not know that Mr. Wonderful also has an incredibly talented actress daughter ... need I write more about big dreams? (Ok, snap out of it M.W.!) What in the hell was Hilary Swank talking about when she spurted, "We've come a long way!" Say what? And then she added "I pray for the day we celebrate our diversity." Such wisdom from a Gen-Xer. Gosh. While I don't intend to see "Boy's Don't Cry" (I can't handle males beating up on females, a cat-fight yes, boy-girl, no) I do understand it was the cinematic story of a girl who dressed, acted and was accepted as a boy. That's diversity? I guess I'm old fashioned, I would term that perversity. ("Not that I might not enjoy it," he said, with a perverse smile.) And then she got the crap beat out of her ... any male who hasn't had the stuffings beat out of him? Hey, gals who want to be guys, that's one of the prices to pay. But wait until you get BPH and have to crawl out of bed five times a night to squeeze and tremble for a mere dribble in the darkness.

March 24, 2000: Shocking Photo of Hillary

Yes, Mr. Wonderful, through his less than savory connections has obtained an exclusive photo of Hillary Clinton, Madeline Albright and Janet Reno on the town and higher than kites!

March 22, 2000: Cybill Shepherd's Sloppy Seconds

1940s Threesome

Oh gawd! Here we go again. In excerpts from Cybill Shepherd's new book she describes "Having all the pleasure points being attended to simultaneously ..." In other words "A Threesome!" I remember when women were discreet, when it was a sign of self control and moral goodness for woman to limit the number of cars parked in her garage; especially at the same time. Many women become mothers. Lady's, wouldn't you love to overhear your child saying, "Yeah, that's my mom. She can do two guys at once." For such a beautiful, and I thought sophisticated, and accomplished actress like Cybill Shepherd to publish behavior that Larry Flynt would be proud of blows me away. I guess I'm behind the times in the sexual self-revelation rampage I'm witnessing. No wonder the liberal Hollywood Elite have no qualms with our President's privates palpitating Lewinsky's uvula in the lavatory of the Oval Office.

March 19, 2000: Government Attacks Manufacturer's of SUV's and Trucks

gasoline canlimousine

The EPA Pollution gods are concerned that even though modern passenger trucks and SUV's pollute no more than passenger cars, because they deliver less miles per gallon, hence burning more fuel to cover the same distance as cars, they are deemed to 'pollute more.' Of course the EPA could attempt to clean up the Government's own USPS. They operate 202,503 vehicles that average 9.9 miles per gallon on the 115 million gallons of fuel they slurp up a year. All to deliver mail at the speed of syrup. So why isn't the EPA pained with the pangs of Postal Pollution? The same reason that Gore can comfortably stretch out his long limbs in spacious but, gas guzzling Suburbans, armored limousines and blithely barnstorm the nation in seventy gallon per hour gulping jumbo-jets. Don't you see? The federal government actually isn't concerned with pollution, or gun control, or education or health care or smoking or high fat foods. They are concerned with one thing: Absolute control of your life.

March 18, 2000: Plummeting Piper Costs Kennedy's Cash

The July 16, 1999 crash of JFK Jr's Piper Saratoga II was judged to be pilot error by the NTSB. Rumors are, that Junior's sister, Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg (who didn't trust Uncle Ted's driving or Jr.'s flying) has offered the Bessette family, whose two daughter's perished in the crash, $10 million. Damn! The Kennedy Clan may have run out of luck, but they sure haven't run out of money. See my original report here.

March 15, 2000: Mr.Wonderful Recants Mass Transit Judgment
Street Train
Mr.Wonderful, after venturing out into the fearful afternoon Phoenix traffic, has decided that T2000 isn't so terrible. As a matter of fact he feels the city should legislate the below driver's to be mandated to traveling our city streets only if confined to a T2000 bus or street train:

    You are hereby confined to traveling on T2000 if you:

  • Are too busy to use turn signals.
  • Drive while concentrating on your cell phone conversation and consider scraping the pin-stripping off cars in adjacent lanes, "Not a big deal."
  • Base your financial future on the daily price of a gallon of gasoline.

  • Believe that if you are in a hurry it is okay to run red lights.
  • Are the turtle who is stationed to plod along in front of Mr.Wonderful every time I drive somewhere.
  • When turning your Ford Festiva right or left feel the necessity to swing across all available lanes.
  • Think the green arrows at intersections are near misses by Native American's.
  • Have a limited income, and believe it is okay to drive your vehicle until it chugs to a smoldering halt during rush hour at 35th Avenue, Grand Avenue and Indian School Road.
  • Allow your feral children to roam through your vehicle as if it were a McDonald's Playhouse as you blithely careen down the asphalt.
  • Believe that there really is such a thing as a front wheel drive 'sports car.'

  • Only slow for stop signs because they are on a corner and you must reduce your speed to make the turn.
  • Believe that the best auto insurance is also the cheapest.
  • Believe that posted freeway speed limits are only for flatbed tractor trailers moving ICBM silos.

  • Don't understand that when the left turn arrow goes away you can no longer blissfully sail through intersections while slurping your 132 ounce Big Gulp® and gripping a Krispy Kreme® donut.

  • Slow to 1 MPH in your four-wheel drive $45,000 SUV, when traversing parking lot speed bumps.
  • Are so important that at the grocery store you pull up, get out and park in the red zone.
  • Regularly drive the wrong way in parking lots.
  • Take up two or more parking spaces, hoping to avoid door dings (but not key scratches) on your new 2000 Crapmobile.
  • Desire to impress everyone with your 'wealth' but still have your luxury car registered in Oregon!

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