Day the First: A Dinner
On the first day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
A Partridge in a Pear Tree.“We’ll have the partridge in pear, please,” said Will Darcy, and looked at his cousin’s date for confirmation.
Elizabeth Bennet nodded and smiled.
“Unusual, but I’m sure it will very good,” said Richard Fitzwilliam, and smiled at his date.
“I’ll have some pea soup,” screeched Darcy’s date, Caroline Bingley.
“Pea soup?”
“It’s good for the bowels, and partridge sounds very fattening.”
“Yeah, but pea soup makes you…”
Darcy Looked at his cousin.
“Thank you, Richard, will you take care of the wine?”
Some time went by with Darcy staring at his cousin’s date, his cousin’s date staring at the large aquarium that was the main feature of the restaurant, Richard staring at the wine list, and Caroline staring at herself in a pocket mirror.
Suddenly, Elizabeth waved the waiter over.“I’m sorry,” she smiled apologetically at the waiter, a young man; he smiled right back at her, making Darcy very jealous. “I’m afraid the Shui is all mixed up.”
“The… Sushi?” said the waiter, confused.
“No, the Shui, as in Feng Shui. The… Cosmic karma, the feel of the room, it’s all wrong.”
“Really?” said the young man, hanging on to her every word now.
Darcy leaned over to his cousin.
“I think the waiter’s flirting with your date,” he mumbled. Richard looked up.
“Sorry, Darcy, what’d you say? How about a Merlot?”
“Sure, fine, whatever,” said Darcy, as if the stupid wine mattered when the woman he had to marry and have children with and grow old with and plant biological carrots with and raise happy cows with, or whatever she wanted to raise, sheep was fine too, even bloody chickens, but that woman was going out with his cousin and Caroline Bingley had her hand on his thigh.
He swatted at her hand, twish!, she gasped, “ouff!”, Elizabeth kept talking to the waiter, the waiter kept smiling at Elizabeth, Richard was buried in the wine list.“Or… A Chateaux La Chapelle, maybe… Or..:”
When they left the restaurant, Elizabeth had convinced the Maitre d’ that he had too many fish, and also where to place the stones to get the vibrations correct. The whole staff wanted to take their leave of her, they were enchanted with her, and Darcy would have hovered protectively over her if it wasn’t that he had to take Caroline home. It appeared she had some kind of bowel constipation.
Later, he phoned Richard, to snoop.
“So… Did you have a good time then?”
“Really, Darcy, the wine… We should have had the ‘79, not the ’82! What a mistake. Ruined my evening completely. That and Caroline – really you should have her see a dietician.”
“And Elizabeth…?”
“Who? Oh, yes, she agreed with me about the ’79. Well, good night Darcy, I have an early morning!”
Click.
Day the Second: A Walk
On the second day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Two Turtle Doves.“Look, Will! Doves!”
He didn’t want to look at doves, he wanted to look at the curl that had escaped her hair bun and alluringly caressed her neck.
But of course he looked. Two fat grey pigeons waddled across the path in front of them, ordinary Hyde Park pigeons that had Big Macs for breakfast, courtesy of the tourists.
Elizabeth searched her pockets.“I’m sure I have some bread here somewhere…”
She pulled up a hankie, her keys, several scraps of paper, a corkscrew, two Blue - wing ribbons, matches, and a sandwich.
“Coochie – coochie – coo, come here little birdie – wirdies…” She held out the sandwich, and the fat birds waddled towards them. Then a phone rang. Darcy hauled up his, but it was dead.
“I think it must be yours,” he told Elizabeth.
“Oh? Do I have one?” she said, and stood up. “Well where would it be if I did have one…?”
“In your other pocket? Here, let me…”
He stepped close to her, breathing in her herbal shampoo and the smell of Woman, not the perfumed and powdered and pampered Caroline – smell but a whole other kind. Gently, he put his hand in her pocket and found the phone. He put it to her ear, as he had a feeling she’d hold it upside – down…
They could both hear the devastated weeping woman who was calling, but only Elizabeth knew at once what was up.“Hold on Jane, I’m coming!” she cried out, and in a flash she handed him the sandwich, told him sternly to feed the poor starving birds, said her sister had boyfriend – trouble again, and was off.
The damn pigeons bit him twice.
Day the Third: A Hen
On the third day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Three French Hens.“We’ll have the Coq – Au – Vin, please,” said Richard. “But I want to know what sort of wine it is.”
Elizabeth looked up.
“Oh! I have something for you, Will!” She started to search through her pockets.
“For me?” said Darcy, feeling happy. Well, he was still having dinner with his cousin’s date. And his cousin. But Caroline Bingley wasn’t here… and Elizabeth ‘had’ something for him!
“I was sure… I must have… No, here it is!” She brandished a wrinkled note in her hand. “I thought of you the minute I read this!”
She handed him the note. I read:
Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices? She started to hum the tune, a little off – key, staring out the restaurant window.
I've heard them calling my name
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm s'posed to be
Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me*“And will you make sure the ’89 is chilled this time?” said Richard.
* The Rainbow Connection – The Muppets Movie Soundtrack (Kermit)
Day the Fourth: A Clock
On the fourth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Four Calling Birds“I’m going away over Christmas,” said Richard. “To Switzerland.”
“Really?” said Darcy, not paying attention.
“Thought I’d get Elizabeth one of those darned clocks… You know, Cuckoo – clocks, handmade.”
“To Elizabeth? A clock?”
She doesn’t need something telling her what time it is, she has her own time. And how she puts up with you I don’t know, you pedant!
Well, it wasn’t Richard’s fault he’d found the future Mrs. Darcy before Darcy could rope her in, catch her, rescue her, fall in love with her… Marry her, marry her, marry her.
So I’m obsessed. Sue me.“You don’t think I should?” asked Richard. “I should get her some chocolate? A Swiss Army Knife?”
“I’m sure a clock will be fine… Maybe you should get her four, though.”
”Four?”
“Well, you know… Feng Shui, and… eh, harmony? Balance?”
“Elizabeth’s into that? I hadn’t noticed… All right, four clocks it is then.”
So Richard is going to be in Switzerland… All’s fair in love and war, right?
Day the Fifth: A lot of Rings
On the fifth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Five Gold Rings.“So… Do you like diamonds?”
Elizabeth pursed her lips, and looked down at the numerous rings glittering on a blue velvet cushion.
“Diamonds do give out lots of Positive Energy…”
“But do you like them?”
She looked at him, smiling.
“Dear Will, does it matter really? The question here is, does Caroline like diamonds?”
He groaned, inside. What a class – A stupid idea to tell her he was buying something for Caroline. In fact, he wanted to know what Elizabeth liked, and get her ring – size. For future reference, of course. Future being a week away. He had to woo and win this woman before Richard returned, loaded with Shui and clocks and Swiss jewellery. Yeah.
“… Doesn’t every woman…?” a little desperate.
She shrugged.
“I guess. Me, I like plain gold. Stones are for rooms, not hands. But that’s just my opinion.”
He’d stopped listening.
“Excuse me? Yes, I’d like the plain gold one there, please. The expensive one, yes.”
“Will! Maybe Caroline likes diamonds! And she wasn’t wearing any gold when I met her, she was wearing a lot of silver!”
“Uhh… Well, maybe. But I’ll, eh, get it anyway, you know, never know who you’re going to run into, some woman… You know, keep it in case… Actually, I’ll take a few of those, in case… I’ll take five, yes. Yes five. Really, you’d think he’d be happy selling five engagement rings at the same time…”
So now he had five gold rings and Elizabeth thought he was a nutcase. A rich nutcase, sure, but then she didn’t care about his money.
Day the Sixth: A Stuffed Goose
On the sixth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Six Geese-a-Laying.“Louisa says I’ll have to prepare the goose,” said a depressed Charles Bingley.
“It’s not very hard,” said Elizabeth. “The tough part is killing it in a non – violent way. I’ll give you a copy of The Pacifist Butcher’s Cookbook, that’ll help.”
Darcy and Bingley stared at her.
“And,” a slow smile lightened Elizabeth’s pretty, angelic, wonderful face, “I can introduce you to my sister Jane. She’s a great cook, and she just dumped her last boyfriend!”
Elizabeth smiled like the proverbial cat that had gotten into the cream. Slowly, Charles’ face began to mirror hers.
Darcy felt very depressed.
Day the Seventh: A Swan Lake
On the seventh day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Seven Swans-a-Swimming.Richard’s batteries were low, and the connection flaky.
“So I… no cuckoo – clocks except… Maybe if I bought her… And a swan, right?”
“Richard! You’re breaking up! I can’t hear you! What swan?”
“Swan… Swan Lake, I said…”
“Ballet? What has that got to do with anything?”
“Isn’t… Paris…”
“Paris? Richard, for the last time, go find a stable phone and call back!”
And then, all of a sudden, the static cleared and Richard’s voice, clear and more beautiful than it had ever been, as he half – spoke, half – sung:
‘Cos everytime I seem to fall in love
Crash! Boom! Bang!
I find the heart but then I hit the wall
Crash! Boom! Bang!*Oh! My! God! Richard was going to propose to Elizabeth!
* Crash! Boom! Bang! – Roxette
Day the Eight: A Cow
On the eighth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Eight Maids-a-Milking.“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian”. – Dennis Wholey
“So… I’m the owner and President of two large corporations.”
“Good for you, Will.”
“I have a huge country estate, called Pemberley, you’d like it.”
“I’m sure I would.”
“We’ve been doing it the Eco – way for years, now, at Pemberley, but the harvest is a bit on the thin side.”
“Well, Mother Nature is a… fickle ruler,” said Elizabeth and smiled.
“I thought you might like to know.”
“Sure, Will, I like listening to you. Oh, do you know what time Richard’s plane will land?”
Doh.
Day the Ninth: A Waltz
On the ninth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Nine Ladies Dancing.“Will, you dance very well! Why, when I’m in your arms…” She took a deep breath, started over. “What I’m trying to say, is, Will, there is no one else… Will? Will?”
I held you for a moment in my hands
The moment with you slipped away like sand
Through my fingers now
In front of me a choice I have to make
To carry on or simply fade away
I lose you either way
I'd like to say that it was easy
It was hard
To say goodbye
I thought that I would die*“What? I’m sorry Caroline, I didn’t hear you.”
The orange in Caroline’s dress reminded him of Elizabeth’s smile. Odd.* Stronger Now – Warrant
Day the Tenth: A Return
On the tenth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Ten Lords-a-Leaping.She’s never on time; she likes seventies clothes; her hair is a mess; she has a BA in Folk Arts (of all things!); she likes smelly animals; her sister is a cry – baby; her mother is a gold – digger; she talks like a child; she can’t drive a car; she’s dating my cousin; she’s marrying my cousin; my cousin is a bore; I love her I love her I love her…
The phone rang.
“It’s me, Richard! I’m on my way home, with a very special surprise!”
Gaaaahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!The phone rang.
“It’s me, Caroline! I thought we could spend Christmas, New Year’s, and all the days in between together!”
Gaaaahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!The phone rang.
“It’s me, Charles! I love Elizabeth’s sister Jane! I’m going to spend my life with her!”
Gaaaahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!The phone rang.
“This is Will’s answering machine. I’m not in today. Beep.”
“Oh, okay. This is Elizabeth. I meant to ask you to come for a walk, but I understand that you are busy. Bye.”Click.
“Noooo!!!!!!!!!! Elizabeth, wait…!”
Gaaaahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Day the Eleventh: A Day of Defeat
On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Eleven Pipers Piping.“So what you are saying is that you can’t see me tonight because Will Darcy is ill?”
“I’m so sorry, Jane, I can’t help it, I mean, I threw water on him, I slapped him… I told him we had a date, but he’s not… responding. He just… lies there.”
“Typical male. I’m sure his stock portfolio sank or something. So I’m supposed to sit there with your sisters while you have a Boy’s Night Out?”
“I don’t think he’ll be going out, Jane. He’s like a… vegetable.”
“Well, I don’t care. Charles Bingley, now you are in Trouble.”
“Oh, Jane…”
Never before had he realised his ceiling was so ugly. Never before had he been looking this closely at his ceiling. Never before had a woman so callously broken his heart, surgically removed it without anaesthesia and then stepped n it. Not to mention his cousin, what ever happened to Family Loyalty he’d like to know, to waltz in and steal the only woman who’d made an impression on Will Darcy, rich, neat, collected. Darcy, the Business Barracuda. Darcy the Shark.
What a choice of wedding presents he had…
Maybe he’d send them his heart, with a dagger through it. Yeah. Or his left eye, like some latter – day Odin. Yeah. Or that really ugly vase his Aunt Catherine had sent him – the one with the nude Sphinxes. Yeah.The phone rang. Charles answered.
“Oh, hello! Yeah, yes, oh, really? Well congratulations! When…? I see… Yeah. Anyway… I don’t know if he can talk right now… Hang on.”
“Will? It’s Richard, he wants to speak with you.”
“He does, does he? Well, I might as well speak with him… Maybe he feels better if he gets to twist the knife a little harder.”
Charles looked at him oddly.
“Maybe you shouldn’t…”
“Give me the phone! Richard? Darcy here.”
“Darcy! I’m engaged! To be married!”
“So I gather. Well, my heartfelt congratulations.”
“Thank you! Why, she’s wonderful, you’ll see, you’ll get along just fine…”
“Oh, I know, I know. Listen Richard, I’ve got to go now…” Go kill myself.
“Go? But don’t you want to talk to Heidi?”
“No I don’t want to talk to Heidi…! Heidi?”
“Heidi, the woman I met in Switzerland and intend to marry!”
“The woman you…!”
Be Still My Heart, be still my heart, bestillmyheart, bestillmyheart, bestillmyheartbestillmyheartbestillmyheartbestillmyheartbestillmyheart!!!!!!!!!!
“Charles, I’m leaving! You tell Richard!”
Day the Twelvth: A Park
On the twelvth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Twelve Drummers Drumming.He found Elizabeth in Hyde Park, feeding fat pigeons, fat swans, fat song – birds, fat geese, a lot of fat hens, and a very plump Partridge.
It had to be Christmas, or the birds wouldn’t all be there…“Elizabeth!”
She turned, and brightened when she saw him.
“Will! Are you here to help me feed the birds?”
He stared at her.
“I… Yes. Yes, I’m here to help you feed the birds, my… My dearest, loveliest Elizabeth.”
“Thank you, my dearest, loveliest Will.”
“In fact, I would like to help you feed the birds for the rest of our lives, Elizabeth… If you’ll have me, that is?”
“Oh, of course, Will, just dragging all the seed from my flat is hard work. I’d love some help.”
They fed the birds in silence, together.
The Author starts to edge away from the couple, standing close together while the first snow of Christmas Eve begin to fall on them, the birds around their feet… Sorry? What? I’m not finished? You think that was too… subtle?
Well, I kinda like it, actually.
But you are lucky, because Will Darcy is JUST LIKE YOU GUYS. Subtle ain’t his middle name. So:After feeding the birds, Will threw away the sack, Elizabeth said tss – tss think about the environment, and picked it up and folded it and put it in her pocket. Then Will said:
“Richard is going to marry a Swiss girl he met, her name is Heidi.”
“Oh! How nice for him!” said Elizabeth happily.
“You don’t mind?”
“Mind? No!”
“I though once… You two were in love.”
“Me and Richard? Oh, no.”
“I was terribly jealous, you know.”
“You shouldn’t have been.”
“Elizabeth… Dare I hope…?”
He looked into her eyes, and found his answer.
Slowly, their lips met and they kissed and kissed and all was right in the world and Elizabeth Bennet became the first woman ever with five identical engagement rings and she wore them all.On the twelvth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Twelve Drummers Drumming,
Eleven Pipers Piping,
Ten Lords-a-Leaping,
Nine Ladies Dancing,
Eight Maids-a-Milking,
Seven Swans-a-Swimming,
Six Geese-a-Laying,
Five Gold Rings,
Four Calling Birds,
Three French Hens,
Two Turtle Doves
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree.FINIS
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