See, hes not helping...

Shaggz: shit
Shaggz: talk about what you plan on doing with yourself in the future
Shaggz: what you want and all that
Shaggz: id like to read that
KiLL a h0: okay, you sure?
Shaggz: um... yeah, why not?
KiLL a h0: if you say so, you asked for it :-)

Okay so thats the best we could come up with...its a-ok because it lets me vent and mull-over and thoughtfully regurgitate, and he claims he 'wants' to read it....which probably really means "just shut the hell up and write"...so, it works out.
Hmm, what do i want to do with my life? We'll start career-wise... i had thought i was set on being involed with labratory science and being a med tech of some sort, but i thought wrong because as soon as i looked deeply into it, i instantly really didnt like it. I know i want to be somewhere in the healthcare field...but that narrows it down to about 1,000,000+ possible professions so blah. I planned on going for radiologic technology to perform x-rays yadda yadda and want to specialize in CT scanning (computed tomography) and MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) and what not....so i'm gonna give that a shot...that is, if i dont find something else by the fall, and i'll go from there.
Hrmm....i dont know where I'll end up living....but if i do move away it would be preferably to az or ca....or uh az ;) hehe.
I want at least one kid somewhere down the road maybe...but god knows about that either cause my reproductive system is generally fucked up for various reasons...yummy, huh? ha...so uh i dunno, i'll find out eventually i suppose, and if i cant have a damn kid...then i'll get me a surrogate :)
Relationship/significant other/husband(?) wise? HA!! who knows? who ever knows?
Hrmm what else...uh i dunno...what sums up as my 'life-goals' Is: be 'successful' in whatever i decide to do and, yanno, be happy and...

12/09/01 - Yo.
I've been too much on the ebonics-tip lately. Need to chill on the ghettoness a tad, eh.
So uh lets see...had a pretty fantastic weekend.
Had some kinda relief from some confusion ive been encountering, not all, but a prime issue, if you will...somewhat put into line. So far, so good.
But see, (warning:words of inspiration about to follow) some old lady used to say "When a door closes on one problem, the key is already turning the lock on another". Oh well tho, that was absorbing too much of my thought-process-space and its been largely clarified so...let's drastically change the subject.
I never really had a bike i liked. I had 2 that i can remember...one was gay and the next was gayer. And by gay I mean rainbow-colored. I wasnt much of a tomboy but i liked bikes more along the lines of diamondbacks and mongooses (or mongeese? Uhm, not sure if the plural of goose would apply to the bike manufacturer...) and what not, but got stuck with a purple one - lavender, if you will...and, later, a pink one - magenta, even.

earlier 12/09/01 - Wow.
It snowed eh.
Always beautiful. See i really used to hate snow, i used to suffer from some nature of seasonal depression (according to my insane former-psychologist). I believe it was a highschool thing tho because it really isnt happening this year. What isn't highschool related? Anyway.
So i was thinking. Since im questioning my major and if its really right for me...and 'They' say you should choose your career by doing what you enjoy, doing what comes naturally to you and lets not forget what your just oh-so-smooth at...Im an observer and analyst by nature, its what i do and what i do well, and i must enjoy doing it because im not bored when its happening, which is constantly (even if i do seem bored, im really not ;). I love the medical field and want to be in it, So, whats some good areas that i should check out? Thoughts, suggestions, feelings, opinions, shit-talk? All welcome :) I dont think plain old dr. or nurse are for me, too broad.

12/7/01 - Well well well. Tonight were in for a little treat eh. No bitching, no moaning, no words of wisdom or inspiration just straight up WORDS. Such as Confusion. Frustration. Inspiration. Paranoia. Balls.
I hope you've enjoyed this journey.

12/2/01 - Oooo...sexy sky blue eh well..."(Cough*gag*cough ;)
Good weekend eh, minus the whole godforsaken SHOPPING thing.
Enough with current events.
So, Ya...I have this thing...I think too much and over analyze everything.
Its pretty up there on the self-torture list. Anything that happens to me that I believe to be remotely fantastic gets pushed back into the data-processing section of my brain to be ripped apart, analyzed, torn to shreds, and returned with far too much logic, reason, and battered self-esteem.
See, you get start to desensitize yourself to this kind of crap though, its a part of daily life and after awhile its all
"eh, oh well...what else is new".
I digress, this too shall pass...now
Every time my brain tries to partake in its normal little conditioned-response to think about all the bad shit that can happen and that what im thinking is all wrong about these good prospects, I'm gonna get all risky and 'hit' the override button and move on to the next thought, push that off the desk and just let whatever be...be. Its not a horrible capability to have, Its good in MANY instances, just not these. This is a part of living and learning, experiencing and growing.

11/26/01 - Okay, so that didnt work out (the whole i-was-gonna-write thing).
Just a suggestion for anyone who has no ill feelings about possible cold weather, the metric system, and french: visit Montreal sometime, its quite fantastic :)
Ideas just arent flowing. My mind has really been elsewhere lately, and if I wrote about that stuff I'd either look like an ass, get myself into trouble or both, so we wont go there just yet.
Have i mentioned yet that i greatly dislike being so guarded with my feelings sometimes?
If I dont do something, say something...ACT on something, i just cope with it and forget about it and usually then come to find out that if I would have just opened my mouth or done what little it took, things would have been just fine and dandy.
I really dislike that...Esteem-building must commence, that or the shutting off of that little negative fucking voice in my head that makes me think of the worst possible outcome on every situation of (emotional) 'importance' that i conjure up...
Life's a bitch with its ups and downs, i already know that, so why am i still so reluctant to come out of this...shell? :( Assistance, please?

11/05/01 - Ive been quite the negligent bitch lately.
Ive just been writing so much in english I that i really dont feel like writing more then necessary.
This daylight savings didnt do shit for me either, been on quite the lovely sleep schedule.
Anywho boys and girls today were gonna talk about....nothing because im too tired. So! Goodnight and Congrats Diamondbacks.
Of course I have a soft spot for my Yanks, but to see a fairly new ball club win a series and be just SO excited about it, total ownage, they really deserved it.
They played one hell of a series eh.

10/29/01 - Havent been writing much lately.
Been busy and tired.
Its been a bitch to even think about something to write about, something to regurgitate thoughts on, but sometimes it just needs to be done.
So, with much time and effort i got pretty creative(desperate) and decided on
The Legalization of Marajuana
(and i dont even smoke anymore, but hey, i have an opinion)

See, i think it should be legalized.
Regardless if its legal or not, mofackas still gonna smoke it, dawg.
And if it was legal, maaaan, the government could like, stock pile and mass-produce and TAX it, maaaan, and they would make ten-million times the amount of money that they now make off of mere fines and bail, maaaan, because they actually lose money jailing marijuana offenders, maaaan, and they overcrowd prisons for nothing, maaaan.

How is alcohol legal and pot isnt? How many people have you heard of high on marijuana killing a family in a car wreck? Being obnoxious and starting a fight at a bar? Being beligerent and beating their wife? None. Because they're too stoned to move, they're too laid back to give a shit about anything but gettin some munchies, maaaan...and do you think that theres really aliens, maaaan? It'd be funny if an Indian ran by naked right now. And, hey, do you....wait, ha ha, I forgot.
The negatives? Nothing that I can think of, especially - again - considering that alcohol is loosely regulated and completely legal yet far, far more dangerous and far less intoxicating.
Lets look at some of the pros and cons and similarites

But hey, im just some kid in New York...what the fuck do i know.

10/25/01 - HAPPY 22nd BERFDAYNESSFIEDNESS JAY!
I havent really had the time, patients or want to write lately.

10/20/01 - I hit a possum.
What the fuck is up with the animals lately?
Why am i hitting them so much? I always did pretty well avioding them.
But now, out of nowhere, theyre all just wanting to die.
Like with Rocky, I was stopped and he ran out of the road,
then I started going again and he decided he wanted to die and ran back into the road.
With the possum i slowed down, and as i slowed down, he did too - he just gradually...stopped...running.
Im not going to kill myself for these animals but i love the fuckers...
Little, Big. Cute, Ugly. Poisonus...uhmm.
Ok, just stop with the suicidal bit, creatures of the wild. That's all I ask.

10/19/01 - Ed's note: If entry seems incohearant and/or told in the 3rd person, its now 4:44am and i slept about 4 hours last night. Match. Point.

Holy shit. Have you ever just had one of those rollercoaster (and I don't mean bi-polar) days that top off a week filled with wierd shit? You probably have, so you can probably understand...well, today was one of those days.

We start off getting up late
("Tash, are you supposed to be up"? "HOLY SHIT, YES...THANK YOU!")
and having to rush to get ready for work. When we go to get in the shower, we astonishingly
discover the water has a strange reddish-brown tint.
We DONT like this.
Although we do know this is normal
- sudden pressure changes, especially from fire hydrants being used, can cause mineral sediments in flow into cold water pipes,
we still dont like this.
We take the damn shower anywho. Its not hurting anything except maybe our mental well-being temporarily, and possibly adding a mineral-deposit to our outer shell.
So...no iron supplement today?
Moving on.
We make it to work in time, starving and scared to
eat because of the possibility it could ruin our day by making us sick due to current health conditions/afflictions.
So, we dont eat, but we do okay. Besides being tired as
shit from lack of sleep and having your stomach
continuously try to digest itself, things are okay.
Now we find whats "next" on the list of things we fuck up at work.
Theyre minor things, but they can cause some unforseen inconveniences and, just generally fuck things up.
("Tasha, i have something to show you" "Oh shit, what'd I do?" [Leigh/boss pulls out a call sheet here] "Did you forget to do something when Dr. Blah's office called to cancel their training 2 weeks ago?" "Uh, oh yeah - i forgot to tell you...Dr. Blah's office cancelled their training, wow..I'm smooth. If you just go ahead and bitch slap me i promise i'll never forget again, mommie dearest" [Leigh/Boss laughs here] "No, its minor stuff Tasha, but the trainers [explanation of what happens to the trainers here], just remember next time." "Okay, i still think you should smack me though, my mind could obviously use a boost".)
But, still...things are okay were just reminded to
REMEMBER!
that, or take some memory-boosting herbal suppliments
(which we dont like, so well have to start remembering).
Things are still okay, but gradually getting nuttier...especially with the lack of food/sleep/mental well-being
. So work is in actuality short, but its lasting
an eternity and with every minute that clock goes forward, it seems to jump back 2.
But, the work week eventually comes to an end and we head home. We get stuck beind frustrating drivers but
we dont let it bother us too much. Besides being so tired, and starving
(bad mix, no food=no energy and no sleep=tired w/ no energy...)
were on our way home on a friday afternoon, no rush to be anywhere so we dont let the annoying drivers get to us too much right now. We get home and
continue to starve because theres nothing in the house that you can eat because the head of the household,
your sworn caregiver, your loving, sometimes forgetful mother, knowing our ailment, continues to
"forget" that we cant eat like we used to. Which, hey, we all forget things sometimes. But we have a breakdown and
cry like a bitch about it for a minute, probably due to nutritional deprevation, then
glance at ourself in the mirror and laugh at how stupid the faces we make when we cry are.
We go have some oh-so-delicious-nutritious-sodium-packed-Oodles-of-Noodles and calm down. Later on,
we go grocery shopping and get some food thats "ok" for us.
We go home and eat some of it. We then witness and get into some arguments with fellow household members.
But, things still seem okay. We go for a ride with a dear friend,
("Should I keep going?" "Ya, why not" "Where should we go" "I dont care, anywhere" "Then lets go back, waayyy back...back to the sentra days" [insert laughter here])
wander about, talk...have a good time, reminisce, laugh...things are good.
We get lost, we realize were turning around in the driveway to a pet cemetary/crematory,
and one of us saw the movie for the first time last night, which of course
freaks us out.
[grind gears shoving into reverse a little too fast to remove selves from driveway]
We disperse from the area quickly...and stay lost.
The roads are endlessly windy
("They really used their heads naming this Winding Hills Road eh?" "Tell me about it, I think I'm gonna puke")
and are kind of neauseating. Probably from such speeds? 30? You're insane!
We pass someone we know, were sure of this because we actually checked with the person
("I actually thought of you but wasnt sure" "Ya - that was me, Jay")
it makes us do a double take and kinda suprises us
("Whoa, dude...was that Jay?" "I dont think so Tash, were in the middle of nowhere, what the hell are the odds of that happening?")
We look back, we look forward again and were going too fast, we crest a hill
that turns in obscene ways and
hit the brakes too hard.
("Tash... Slow down" [i hit the breaks a litttlllle too hard here] "No! I didnt mean that fast!" [tires screaching here] "huh?" [insert laughter and relief here] "Youre okay right? Im sorry dude, that was yanno, not expected..." "hahahaha Im fine...relax")
The tires lock up but we get control just fine and laugh at the whole situation.
Things are still fine and good.
We come home and find that someone has mistaken mischief night by
just a tad
("Tash, my windshield isnt just wet, and neither is your mothers...or some of the neighbors" "Huh?" "Eggs..."
...and has thrown some eggs on, stuck new maxi-pads to, and
sprayed some shaving cream on neighborhood cars(the eggs are on windshields only, no harm done).
We look into it, do some "detective" work (better defined as passively stalking) and find out it isnt who we suspected,
and nothing is actually damaged, just severely disrespected.
Things are still okay.

We have had one wierd day with twists and turns, literally.
So we have actually, in good logic, accomplished alot.
We learned to accept things as they come, to remember not to assume, that even if mistakes are made it isn't the end of...anything...and
no matter what the ups and downs are, things will usually turn out okay.
A-O-Fucking-Kay!