February 2002 - The Blue Streaks
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1 Feb 2002 - PSU
- am at penn state. hanging with ali, roc, and cory. drinking a bit, went downstairs to visit grant. that was fun. he's a good guy. got a good head on his shoulders. we're going to the frats in like half an hour. ali is drunk. big surprise there. i'm already having a good time, but good time doesn't equal not thinking about brandeis and all its corresponding issues. oh well. hopefully. later.
- i gotta pee right now....why the fuck do i get runbk? doesn't veel any rbetter. alis moletsting rocol. qhty?? i hatet hes eric. gtg...pee////bye...
2 Feb 2002 - still @ PSU
- so i have a very strong inclination to delete that 2nd entry from yesterday, but i won't because i have a policy about never denying (or ignoring) anything in reality. and so since i put that there, its there to stay i suppose. so i am still at penn state. everything sucks. not that being here sucks - i'm having fun, rocco is a good host, and its great to be spending time with my girl ali, but i hoped that coming here would help me get away from it all, but it all just seems to be getting away from me. i can't stop thinking about everything that is wrong right now in my life. eric, shaun, storey, grades, lack of direction, lack of motivation, everything. i feel like its all so shitty and that none of its ever going to get any better. its times like this that sometimes i really just don't want to be alive. and i probably shouldn't be writing this here considering the large readership i have gained in recent months, but i can't help it. this is someplace i use to just get out everything that i'm feeling and thats how it is. i never used to be like this. i mean, the c*ts are one thing, but this total lack of caring, this feeling of what the hell is the point of living if i'm never going to make anything better for anyone else or myself?? its pretty fucking hard to take. and i just want to die. like those summer and winter break nights, where'd i'd just be driving home from someone's house, or some party, or night at the diner, or whatever - and i'd start thinking how easy it'd be to just wrap my car around a tree, or a guardrail, or whatever. or the times that i'd just be sitting in my room at school contemplating what it would be like for my roommate to just come home one night and find me dead. just sitting there in my chair, done. done with life, done with apathy, done with it all. god i can't do this anymore. i can't just live like this - THIS IS NOT LIFE. but i refuse to do that. i know there are some people out there who care. its kind of sad though, that they care only means enough to deter me, and not to make me FEEL any better. i don't even know what the hell i'm saying. i'm not drunk, (since i can still type) but i have been drinking, and maybe thats making me depressed. i don't know. i don't know shit. whatever, i'm pretty sure theres nothing more i can say here that just won't make things worse. i've gotta go.
3 Feb 2002 - song on the radio
9 hours alone in car = lots of thinking time
7 hours in car w/ ali = lots of talking time
8 hours of drunkenness = lots of whining time.
everything looks worse the more introspective you get, so todays a little better, though the 15+ hours of driving i did this weekend did get me to think about a lot. as my policy dictates, the entry from yesterday won't be coming out, but if you know me, please don't worry too much. its not much different from my normal stream of consciousness and you've all seen how much that outwardly affects me (barely at all.) so i'm sorry you had to read it, now please forget it.
ALI ---> if you're reading this, i did have a good time this weekend, and thanks for everything. don't EVER put yourself down as a best friend - you're the best it gets. I LOVE YOU.
4 Feb 2002 - damn damn damn
- so...mysterious health problem number 2 has returned. i ran out in the middle of anthropology today with screaming stomach pains, only to pass out the minute i entered the bathroom, hitting my head on the wall. woke up a minute later, head spinning, stomach shrieking. excellent start to the day. or not. i can't stand this shit. i want to know what the hell is making me hurt like this. this is the THIRD time i have just randomly passed out because of severe stomach pain. they've already ascertained that i am not hypoglycemic, nor diabetic, that i have neither an ulcer, nor gallstones. so what the HELL!?!?! grr. this is not what i needed upon my return to brandeis, especially after the weekend didn't quite meet my expectations. i'm beginning to wonder if there's a mental-physical correlation in terms of illness. the week of worlds (during which i had some real tough times) i got my first and second migraine. as is obvious, i had a terrible weekend (metal wise) and now this comes back. last time it happened i was having a bad few days in school, and the time before that, a bad mroning in shul, which i can't even begin to get into. i'm sure there're more examples if i think hard. or maybe not. maybe i'm just seeing a connection that isn't there. cause its kind of hard to believe that mental anguish could actually CAUSE physical anguish. who knows. all i know is i'm tired of being sick, tired of pills, and medicines, and doctors, and EVERYTHING.
- three hour classes. hm. hmmmm. somewhere towards the end i got too antsy to listen, and somebody gave me a good idea for a poem
- i love my sister. she's the best.
5 Feb 2002 - dirty laundry
- there's no better way to say this, sorry : DISAPPOINTMENT SUCKS.
- did something brave today and called someone whom i haven't talked to in a long time. left a voice mail (how appropro.) hoping i'll get a call back. think that might help me settle mentally a bit. maybe i'm wrong. worth a try.
- lots of dirty laundry seems to be hanging around. i should take care of that.
- i've never really considered "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet" to be a dubious statement. today i think maybe it is.
- i should never listen to this american beauty soundtrack. maybe the world wouldn't seem like such a bleak place then. although that, too, is dubious.
- fun dinner. strange debate. today is full of parodoxes.
6 Feb 2002 - why?????
- life is just a series of infinitely frustrating events. why are some people so perfect? crying. i don't even understand why i'm upset. i should be thrilled. someone's reaching out. so why is it so hard? maybe its because they're reaching out with a hand that i can't quite reach. i can't decide if its better or worse. i'm sick of crying. i'm sick of everything. i have to get out of here... and people are going to read this, and thats not going to be good, but you know what else i'm sick of?? pretending. i can't do it. i'm not strong enough anymore...
- so i went. and i drove. and i sat. and i thought. and stuff. and i decided - it is better. of course its better. one dilemma isn't a valid reason to discount one of the most amazing connections i've ever found. i've been given an opportunity to have something cool, and it'd be stupid to pass that up. but it involved me admitting some things to myself. and so what else could i do. but admit. and deal. at least there is a product of these admissions, and here: Dead Inside
- i think this has gotta go down as one of the most bizarre days in history. exercise in the morning, weird times in class, unexpected emails, an utter lack of food (yay!), interesting basketball folk, little bitta stalking (right, lydia?), and a SUPER bizzare phone call. but a good one. though it somewhat makes everything more complicated. such is the story of my life. {{sigh}} well, at least complicated = interesting. and hopefully this weekend holds the prospect of much fun, both through debate with jeff, and clubbing with crack. hehe. alright, time for bed. i'm freaking tired.
7 Feb 2002 - stuff
- you.....back frm cracks hsuye,. hers a qutoe i founds that i like..
"Anything less than mad passionate extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life and love shouldn't be one of them."
hjaahaha....control c, control v.
nite nite
8 Feb 2002 - exciting stuff
- crack and i think we could be all the way up, after today!! thats an exciting prospect. and lots of party plans are in the works for tonight. the bar, the stoning of crack & jordan, and then hopefully a little ravin' for me and crack. fun times. gonna take off now.
- grr, no clubbin, but thats ok. i still had fun hanging with crack & segal while they got ridiculously stoned - that is, of course, till i got all thinking and stuff, and got a little sad. but i shook it off, and string raved some. don't feel much better though. oh well. nite.
9 Feb 2002 - a lot to do
- best car ride EVER
-so maybe he's right...maybe happiness is too much of an expectation. maybe it shouldn't be ones only goal in life. maybe all this time that i've just been wishing to be happy i've just been setting myself up to be let down. i see the lives of those around me - those my age, those older than me, even those younger. everyones got some kind of hurt in their lives. some people have a lot. some people not so much. but it seems like it could easily be true, that those who are truly happy - are just closing their eyes to the world. "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil." maybe its just not possible. and maybe it shouldn't be. no one wants to live in a world thats been constructed for them. unless we really FEEL - all that is good and bad - maybe we won't ever live. and i want to live. i guess more than i want to be happy, i just want to feel alive. and to feel like i have purpose. and i guess with that i just have to accept that there are going to be unhappinesses. and i know i've skirted this realization before, but i've always been blocked with "well thats sounds like an ok plan, as long as its mostly happy, and not so much sad. but right now i have a lot of sad, so i guess it doesn't work." well now maybe i'm thinking a little bit more of some people are going to have a lot of hurt and some people aren't, but either way, you just kind of have to take what life doles out to you. and if for me, thats sadness a lot, i'll just have to search that much harder for the things and moments that bring me happiness. but not for eternal happiness. cause if i search for that, i'll just be let down. and worse yet - I MAY NEVER REALLY LIVE. he also says other things, that for him, part of all that equation is trying to help other people with their sadness. i think thats an awesome goal. and its so admirable. but for me - i guess i'm just going to first choke down the idea of coming to grips with my own sadness first. i don't know quite how long it will take, but i'm going to try. and then i'll start on the world. but for now - my own mind's a pretty decent goal.
10 Feb 2002 - wonder
- i'm inclined to wonder where the smile on my face today comes from
11 Feb 2002 - snow, damn damn snow
- i hate this weather. i wish it were 70 degrees (or even 80 degrees) ALL THE TIME. cold sucks. i hate being cold. one thing brian and i have in common - he's a chef, i'm just a whiner. don't know why i thought of that now. but hey, whatever. off to class in this evil evil snowstorm.
- i was thinking of not going to class today because of how dreary it was outside, but something made me get up and go anyway. and the more i think about it the more i think its because going to school is what i have to do. for now, its effectively my job. and whats the point of my parents paying for my education if all i'm going to do is not go to class. i'd be a very selfish person if that were the case.
- i'm really beginning to like this routine i'm falling into. certain people are proving even more fun and amazing as each day passes.
- my households class is rampant with stereotypes.
- i should just stop talking. forever. i'd keep myself out of a lot of trouble. yep. definitely keep digging a hole, every word a shovelfull.
- nicotine = not my friend. why i can't realize this is beyond me.
- god...help me...please...
- too late i guess....its all too easy...
- so some ideas are better than others. i called the "less-recent" him tonight. thought i was maybe ready to talk. either that, or so agonized by the pain of the other that i felt maybe i could alleviate one by another. either way - it didn't work. he said something pretty mean, about the night i got mad, and after that, all attempts at conversation just felt forced and wrong. and not only that, if he was able to say something mean about that night, it pretty much means i was right in my diagnosis of him not being upset. i don't believe he's ever going to be upset. so i guess its back to silence again. till whenever. ::sigh::
12 Feb 2002 - stupid fool
- i feel like such an ass. every time i am given something good i do something to screw it up. i could have done irrevocable damage last night. i wonder if its because of me. i wonder if i should have said anything at all. i wonder if i have garnered an unshakable disapproval. i wonder if i have lost everything i have gained in the recent past. i wonder if i'm forever lowered in other's eyes.
- nikki, as always, you're the highlight of my day...
- time for the midday slump
- right about debate predictions. good round at least.
- fun times at the crack house
13 Feb 2002 - no more classes
- i have absolutely no desire to go to class today. i'm so anticipating the break next week you can't even believe. i think its good - the way i'll be spending break - i hope. first i've got debate @ BU (good), then my sister will be here for two days (good), then i'm going to see ali for 3 days (good), then i will come back to brandeis for the rest of break (dubious). so i guess we'll see. maybe by the time i get back to brandeis i will be in a good enough mood that it won't matter. but we'll see. for now, its off to class - ARGH!
- despite a lackluster start of the day, this afternoon made up for it. some good classes, easy spanish test, writitng a good case (finally!) and having a good talk w/ rota. all's well, i'd say, and thats nice!
- too good to be true. found out something tonight that really sucks. i feel concurrently legitimized and deligitimized. honesty can lead people to some interesting places. but i feel so...empty. like on the one hand it totally takes the special out of things, but on the other hand there still is that which can't be conveyed through any kind of words and that i was right to some extent. but again, on the first hand there is the fact that it just that much further proves the inevitability, and that i've been making a fool of myself all along. i don't know what to think. or to feel. i can't change how i feel, but all i want to do is run away. its not like its something that i had ruled out - i did know it was a possibility - but it leaves me here questioning a million and one things. motivation. sincerity. true opinions. my own sanity. i don't know. she had to. that too was inevitable. but i can't believe that concurrently one could feel that way, and the next consider it out there. maybe its a sign. maybe i should never have started. maybe i should have continued on silently. and miserably. cause i can tell you one thing - i don't feel much improved at this juncture. maybe it doesn't mean i shouldn't have said anything, but rather that now is a good time to back off. to let the river flow its course. to walk away, if you will....
14 Feb 2002 - vday
- ugh...valentines day...UGH
- some people are just the best. love ya nik
- olmanda is the CUTEST WOMAN EVER!
- its nice to think one might have made a new friend.
- THIS LOTTERY SHIT SUCKS ASS. MY FRIENDS SUCK ASS. EVERYTHING SUCKS ASS.
- 2 things i should stop listening to: american beauty soundtrack, and counting crows in general.
- goo debate tonight. VERY good debate. and i LO'ed!!!! not so terrible. in fact, eric, jon, curve, and chetan all thought it was good. hm.
- so maybe housing won't be as much of a disaster as i thought. some people are really amazing. one in particular who is willing to leave a good situation to keep me from getting screwed. geniuine niceness like that is rare. so we'll see how it develops. {{{crossed fingers}}}
15 Feb 2002 - ss
- feeling self sufficient today. got my oil changed this morning - all by myself. then found out i have approximately 340 dollars of repair needed on my car. woohoo. it is getting ridiculously large amounts of use this year, what with debate & all. speaking of which, TODAY IS BU!!!! fun times await, i hope...
- debate is going alright...greg and i are hopefully 2-1. that'd be nice, but it means we'd have to work our asses of to get up there tomorrow. dubious. but still i'm having fun. but now, its off to the CRACK HOUSE!!!! :-) paaaaaarrtty!!!
16 Feb 2002 - uuuuugh
- oh man oh man oh man. that was certainly a party... keep your fingers crossed for me.
- greg and i actually were 1-2 after last night. se la vie. as for other stuff, you can uncross your fingers now, and give me a look of pity.
- the play with aunt marlene and rachel was good. gotta sleep. after all, i am on only 3 hours of sleep....
17 Feb 2002 - tourney stats
- well 20th team and 9th novice speaker wouldn't be so bad if josh bender and dave schoonover hadn't BOTH made the top 15 varsity speakers. dang. oh well. i don't get uptight about things like NOTY so much because i care - more because it really seems to help with getting clout concerning things like judging . and its nice to get a little respect from other varsity debaters every once in a while. though i suppose what else helps them is that they're two of the biggest schmoozers i know. {{ sigh }}
- "if i seem superhuman then i've been misunderstood...misunderstood..." - dream theater
18 Feb 2002 - home again
- got home last nite. chilled with ali. its not her fault that she talks about rocco so much. i like rocco, and i'm happy for her, and i understand why she wants to talk about it. she's in a very happy relationship. but its just really hard to take all that happiness when my own life in that regard is so bleak.
19 Feb 2002 - good talks good times
- life is good.
- how quickly things change. every time i hear my brother play piano its like a harping reminder of my perpetual failures. my painfully eeked out melodies pale in comparison to the beautiful notes that flow from the keys he touches. sometimes i feel as though i will never find my talent. if i even have one.
- i'm so amused. odd little quiz -
20 Feb 2002 - fun times
- last nite with rachel (& peter) was great. longish car rides are always conducive to serious talks. and i guess thats a talk i've been needing to have with rach for a long time.
- so who knows what on earth the plan is tonite?!?! i guess i'll have to play it by ear, though my heart is trying hard to have a say...
- grim day on the road: saw 2 funeral processions, 1 terrible accident, and had several encounters with "THAT DRIVER" as storey so appropriately put it. the last hour or so picked up, however, when renditions of "vogue" and "express yourself" could be heard up and down the mass pike. :-)
- CAN SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS THIS COMPUTER CRAP PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY MY FONT KEEPS GETTING SMALLER & SMALLER??? I'M SO CONFUSED, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX IT!
- some interesting talks tonite with jmoney, tho i hope he keeps his word to me better than to maia.
- so no yale for me. :-( though it does mean there could be some interesting shit going down this weekend at hartford. guess we'll see. hehe
21 Feb 2002 - wtf
- did you ever just have one of those days that started out so perfect, and then just got worse and worse? yeah...
- wish i didn't live my life in the third person sometimes...
22 Feb 2002 - hartford u
- so...two in one nite...guess that makes some kinda record or something... ali and nik would be proud. or something. mike & shaun are smoking pot in the bathroom. i don't know what my deal is right now. i've got a lot of conflicting emotions right now. on the way down here i was thinking a lot about my present situations. i don't know whats going on. maybe i said or did something wrong. maybe i did nothing at all. maybe thats my problem. maybe i have no problem. maybe i have a lot of problems. who knows. maybe i'll never know. who knows. later
23 Feb 2002 - yale part 1.25
back at yale. no break for stor & drew. its too bad, though i can't be vigilantly upset since i wasn't there for all that led up to it. bernbaum & eric did well too i think. hwitty and jmoney made it into novice semis, but they lost pretty clearly. i could barely restrain myself i wanted to be debating so badly. mila's coming in tonite and that should be fun. made steps to correct that which has been bothering me for 2 weeks. we'll see what happens.
24 Feb 2002 - mila
- mila's here...she got here last nite. i picked her up @ the airport & then we came back to brandeis and chilled. she met nikki, which is good. i'm glad cause nikki is fast becoming my closest friend here at school (excluding my quasi-little bro of course...) its eerie how she has this ability to read my mind before i can. anyways...mila & i are going into boston now.
- feeling sleepy. long good day. boston, basketball, banter with my fellow debators. coming off these few good days i'm hoping that any situations i'm dealing with will soon be resolved. tdays will tell...
25 Feb 2002 - some stuff
- day starts out alright. some good classes. fun lunch. alright to be back. hopefully mila's having a good time.
- asking me to not overanalyze is like asking the grass not to be green in the middle of spring.
26 Feb 2002 - tuesdays gone
- speechless...don't quite know what to say about today. ever have days like that? that are just so unremarkable that you can't quite figure out something to say? thats today. so i guess i won't try. nite.
27 Feb 2002 - remarkable?
- maybe its not so much that those days are unremarkable but rather that they're not ABLE to be remarked upon...
28 Feb 2002 - UVA!!!!
- mila's gone. had a good time, and it was really nice of her to visit. however, playing hostess does get a teensy bit tiring. also its really odd to have someone that you are friends with from such a different time and place in your life meet your friends now. its like a forum for clashing of the new world and the old. it really made me think a lot about my life before brandeis, and the ways in which it is both the same and so very different.
- also her presence brought back some thoughts about yaara naturally. thats something i haven't spent time thinking about in quite a while. i still feel a lot of conflict about that all. it was such a bizzare way to spend senior year of high school. and it makes me think a lot...about my own mind and where it's been going so far this year. school has really done some interesting things to me. some days i feel so incredibly different, yet many days i feel like college has done nothing to change me for the better. i don't really know. in more ways than i can count this year has been nothing like what i expected. so it will be interesting to look back upon all this with a removed perspective this summer.
- ahh. this summer - thats another thing. i don't know what on earth to do about that. cause i know ali and nikki will kill me if i don't come home. and plus i also kind of promised myself i would go home. yet staying also means some interesting opportunities. to grow perhaps? yet i don't want to miss out on all the reflection time i will gain when i get away from brandeis for a while. maybe then again its not so good to spend so much time reflecting on a year which has been so incredibly introspective. who knows. so thats that for now i guess.
- so i have high hopes for this weekend. it'll be a much needed get away. i think debating with bragin will be fun, and who knows? maybe even quite successful.... but i don't want to jinx anything. if nothing else i hope for some good times and talks with the companions who are coming. though i could see bad manifestations looking at the past few days, i'm hoping that won't be an issue. one hour and counting - better pack...
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