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January 2002 - Leaving this World



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8 Jan 2002 - back home

well i'm back home. toronto was alright, chicago was better. it was good to see bebe, but i'm finding it hard to enjoy anything with my current state of mind. spent new years crying, spent the next day wandering the city in the pleasantry of nothingness. i'm stuck in a rut, but hopefully soon i'll be out. guess we'll see.


9 Jan 2002 - striiiiiiip

- last nite was interesting to say the least. it was johnny wu's birthday, and the group went out to dinner. after that, since john wu has never seen a real naked woman, let alone had a girlfriend, everyone took him to a strip club. and me and nikki and ali went with the guys. interesting experience. but it was fun to hang with the group, and johnny wu seeing nakedness made it all worth it...ha.

- didn't do much today, hung around with ali so me, we made biscuits. we're crazy. i love it. having someone who understands you even when you are freaky is just a real blessing.

- then tonite i went to the rangers game with z. he seemed to enjoy himself, and it was fun to get to hang and talk with him again. we always have such great talks. talked to him about the bebe incident in chicago. its in greater detail in my real journal, but to sum it up, he made me really upset, because he said something about the end of our relationship. a satisfactory explanation later surfaced, but for a while i was just so blindly hurt.

- anyways, enough about that. i'm tired, and going to bed now. later--


10 Jan 2002 - back with the whip - so i guess its back to hanging with whippany. ali and rocco are as close to being together as you can get, and shaun doesn't seem to hate me anymore, so ali and i hung out with him and mike tonight. its not too weird, since we're all older its just kind of like, "yeah, we can be fine with this." i think. but its just kind of odd. especially when i think about the fact that i should probably hate him. for everything, most of all what he did to me this summer. i was talking to seth about it, and he said, that there are just those people sometimes who you need around for certain things, like social connectors of something. and i guess he's one of those. plus, i don't care if this sounds pathetic, i feel cool when i hang out with him and he is a cool person. so i dunno. we played pool and went to the diner. now i am home, and burning some CDs.

- i talked to bebe for like a half an hour last nite after i signed off. it was nice. we just talked about random shit, and what we did the past two days. i had already talked to him earlier today when i called him to discuss "no exit," the play i just finished reading. i love that i can do that. that i now have friends (and boyfriend) who i can just call up to have an intellectual discussion with. brandeis is good for something. :)

- i think that i am looking forward to being back at school, but i'm not sure. there are pros and cons to both. anyways, gonna go now~


11 Jan 2002 - lights camera action

- today i took pictures of ali and nikki with my new camera that i got for hanukkah. i took color pics and black and white pics. we got the color, and they're ok, but i can't wait to see the black and white. bebe called me tonight. we talked for like an hour, and it was good, except one little thing. he said something about being down, and i said thats too bad, and then said "lets talk about happy things." and for some reason he took that as me not wanting to hear about his being down, whereas it was me trying to change the subject, cause usually he doesn't want to talk about whats bothering him. i usually have to coax him into telling me. and i just figured, if he doesn't want to talk about it, than let it be. he'll tell me when he's ready. but i guess he thought i didn't care, and now i feel really bad. - oy...


12 Jan 2002 - shoot pass score

- i had so much fun tonight! ali and i hung out with shaun and colin. we went over shauns house for a while, then to the diner. then everyone came here, and we played video games. ali left at like 12 something, cause she was tired. but shaun and colin stayed until like 3:30. fun times. but i have something to confess. maybe i shouldn't be confessing this where people can read it, but i have to get it out. actually. nevermind. i'm not ready. well then. i guess thats all for now.


17 Jan 2002 - well fucking shit

- where do i start? i guess here's a good a spot as any. eric broke up with me 2 nights ago. (on the 15th.) i've been feeling as though something was wrong ever since we had that mini-argument about the "assuming we don't get married" comment. so he said that my coming there kind of just solidified some of the inherent differences in our personalities that make a relationship not the best. the example he gave? ludicrous. because of the fact that i was able to sit and have a nice long conversation with his parents the first night i was there, he realized how extroverted i was, and that bothered him. what?? how ridiculous is that. he said that extroversion was not something he would consciously look for in a significant other, but then i wonder - how was he ever interested in me in the first place?? i don't know, it was all very confusing. i mean he said that his mind wasn't 100% made up, that he wanted us to stop dating, but in my mind he was sure enough. cause after a conversation like that, of course things are never going to be the same. so basically he gave me no choice and then said, "what do you think" and expected me to make the call. so i, being the sacrificer as always, made it easy for him and said, that i'd rather deal with all the hurt at once than over and over. so its over. no more bebe and bebe. nothing.

- so that night i spent an hour on the phone at ali's crying my eyes out, and my heart out.

- then ali and nikki took me out for a big fatty dessert.

- so what we were supposed to do tuesday night we ended up doing last night. we drank at my house - me ali nikki colin mike and shaun. and i got ridiculously drunk. obviously trying to drink away the pain. and i also hooked up with shaun. another move to forget about eric i guess. i was drunk at the time. and i think it was also to sort of prove to myself that he was an asshole for no reason this summer. and to prove that SOMEONE still found me attractive - in some way. i needed that.

- well tomorrow its off to dartmouth. and thats that. till later then~


18 Jan 2002 - dartmouth part 1

- so this is hard. definitely. i see him, and i am getting along with him. and i don't know if thats what i want. cause in one way it makes me want to be able to be close to him. but in some other way, it just makes me realize it could be good to be seperate. for me...

- despite the eric hardness, there is good at this tournament. i just took a long walk with nikki and realized we have a ton in common. well, except, i don't exactly feel her on the god thing. i know i have searched for that kind of connection in the past, but religion just hasn't come through for me the way i wished it would. but we do have a lot in common in terms of boys and such, and life, and meaning (or lack thereof...)

- the badness - sara and i won last round, but i don't think we deserved it. oh well. i guess thats all the news from dartmouth for now. i think i will be doing a lot of updates, since theres internet access right outside GA. woohoo. how nice. all for now --

- so...more to tell. grr, only 2 hours have passed since last update and i fear i am messing up the eric situation royally. at first i thought i was being too cool towards him, but now i fear i am acting too buddy buddy. but during dinner i was sitting by myself and toby came over to talk, and i just had to look at eric and laugh. and it was funny, but after 3rd round, i was really friendly with him about the round he just had, and i really don't want to screw up. see i don't even know what i want, let alone what he wants - i guess thats why i have all the vascillation and unsureness. like i'm NOT trying to get him back - thats for certain. number one because i know it won't work, and number two because i don't think i could handle it - knowing that he had problems with the inherent conflicts in out personalities. who knows... i think sara and i might be 2 up 1 down, which would be a pretty good place to be right now. we hit storey and greg's trash from 2nd round - the infamous FORDHAM A - john whitehouse and a not normal partner. and we ran the scarlet letter case, the one where the judge is reverend dimmsdale and we tell him to confess. hopefully we won - i gave my best speech of the tourney - an MG no less.

- just looking at this entry i realize i am as much back in the debate swing as i ever was, and no matter what happens, during college, debate will have to be a part of my life. i just love it too much to give it up for anything. i was worried about this tourney, seeing as how it has been 2 months since i last debated, and at that point i was in a serious slump - having not placed at any tournament since harvard, back in october or whatever. but i guess its just too much in me to have a two month break have much of an effect.

- too bad i can't debate as my job in life...

- well, from dartmouth, thats all for now, its off to the notorious debate party~~


19 Jan 2002 - dartmouth part 2

- so...lots to tell today. got drunk as fuck last nite. almost hooked up with dave schoonover. he had his arm around me and was kissing my neck. instead, i got all depressed drunk and spent an hour crying....EVERYWHERE. in nikki's lap, in front of storey and emily, in front of eric, in the tournament directors room, etc. so i don't know what the hell thats about. i guess it all just hit me at once - all the eric stuff. i cried a lot with nikki and crack after i got home from the party too. it was pretty bad. plus the tournament is going shitty. i thought we were 2-1 going into today, and then i was SURE that we won fourth round. but somehow, the people we were hitting i thought were doing shittily. yet 5th round we had the TD as our judge. but then they ran this case about sierra lionne - which i know nothing about, and probably didn't even spell right - and i'm sure we got raped. sara on the other hand, thinks we did well, but that can't be. i was totally grasping at straws.

- anyways, there's someone waiting to use the computer, so i gotta get going, though i'm sure there'll be more to tell later.

- for now, from dartmouth~~

- so...my final update from dartmouth. i ended up doing much better than i thought. 4th novice speaker and sara and i were 17th team. things are weird though. with eric and with the smith thing, as i am starting to refer to it as. its easier than calling it "that-thing-i-talked-to-craaaaaazy-nikki-about-at-smith." she seems to thing that "smith" is feeling something similar to the way that i feel, but i don't know. i don't think i'd ever be able to talk about it with "smith" because i couldn't stand knowing that i did something to push someone i care about away. well anyways, dartmouth is turning out ok after all. i guess thats all for now...


21 Jan 2002 - sick and sad

- i'm sick. blistering cough racks my lungs. head weighs five hundred pounds. ani difranco emerges from the speakers. snows falling in an angry storm. today i'm a little angsty. i wish that everything was easier. yes yes i know thats an idle wish - and that its selfish, and that nothing will ever change unless i do it myself, but some days you just get damn tired of trying. of trying to do everything. or anything. heres a good song for you.

Buildings And Bridges
- Ani DiFranco

Buildings and bridges
are made to bend in the wind
to withstand the world,
that's what it takes
All that steel and stone
is no match for the air, my friend
what doesn't bend breaks
what doesn't bend breaks
we are made to bleed
and scab and heal and bleed again
and turn every scar into a joke
we are made to fight
and fuck and talk and fight again
and sit around and laugh until we choke
sit around and laugh until we choke
I don't know who you were expecting
probably some bitch who does not budge
with eyes the size of snow
I may get pissed off sometimes
but you seem like the type to hold a grudge
and in the end, I just let go...
Buildings and bridges
are made to bend in the wind
to withstand the world,
that's what it takes
All that steel and stone
is no match for the air, my friend
what doesn't bend breaks
what doesn't bend breaks



22 Jan 2002 - lots of mep mep mep

- so wow...i have inordinate amounts of time today, to do whatever i want. and somehow theres not much i want to do. this no tuesday friday classes thing is going to be interesting.

- so i hung out with nikki, drew, and rob last night. it was interesting, and it was fun. but i'm left wondering if they all really want me to hang out with them as much as i do. well, i don't doubt that nikki and i are friends now, but i hope i'm not pushing myself on anyone. i feel that way about a lot of people on debate. like i'd really like to be good friends with them, and sometimes i feel like i can, but then other times i just feel like a tag-along nuissance. so i don't know. i guess its all part of this fluctuating, adjusting, lifestyle college tends to force one to lead.

- an interesting mix i am listening to this afternoon:

1 lucious jackson, ladyfingers 2 311, beautiful disaster 3 beck, tropicalia 4 dispatch, bats in the belfry 5 garbage, when i grow up 6 guster, mona lisa 7 linkin park, papercut 8 our lady peace, clumsy 9 neutral milk hotel, in an aeroplane over the sea 10 sublime, doin time 11 presidents of the us, lump 12 portishead, sour times 13 counting crows, round here

- [3am] a new enigma in my life. thats what mep house is. presents a plethora of new opportunities, yet also a total lack of opportunity. i went to the debate meeting tonite, and afterwards played more basketball with nikki, andy, greg, and russ. we played with some random people who were in the gym. i feel like i'm already getting better (marginally, obviously - but hey, one step at a time.) after that drew, greg, russ, and i went to friendlys, then to mep house, and just hung out for a while. thats the first time i've ever done that before. just hung out with them like that. we watched basketball and chilled and stuff, which was fun, but it also was, i don't know, i can't quite place it, sad i guess. in some weird, fucked up way. anyways, i've got my first classes tomorrow, so i should be getting off to bed. [its three AM, i must be lonely...how ironic...] i've added some new links to the left. 'nite


23 Jan 2002 - no title

- wow...my stream of consciousness is definitely taking me places i don't want to go today

- so...flippin...thats whats going on with me today. i played more bball with the debaters, and for no reason just flipped out towards the end. everything is just weighing hard on my mind - "smith", eric, the friends (or lack thereof). but still i really hate it when i just totally lose control of myself like that. after the game i ran outside (after a hurried goodbye) to get fresh air, and just started crying. as everyone was driving away, the only thing i could think of was "don't leave me alone tonight." i knew something bad would happen. so i ran down and asked andy for a ride, and somehow ended up at mep house again. plus 2 more - storey and emily. and bernbaum too, as he was in on tonites game. weirdness. feeling so much like i'm being held underwater. i just want to be straight up with everyone, but its like i have this feeling that things will only be ruined if thats what i do. i want to tell people how i feel, but as soon as the chance seems to emerge, i hesitate (as i feel i should) and its gone. well, i shouldn't be antisocial anymore. so i'll get off russ' computer, and get back to the tv. yee-ha.

- you know what i hate more than most things in the world? feeling stupid. so making smart friends has its perks and its negatives. still at mep house. its one thirty in the morning. we're playing trivial pursuit. or at least i was, till i forfeited and let the smart people continue on with the game. well, this is why i'm at college. to learn and to be smart. and thats what i'm doing, bit by bit, day by day.


24 Jan 2002 - one down, 2 to go

- so...i got back from mep house like an hour and a half ago, around 2:15, and eric was online. i imed him and we talked a bit. and he just seemed down so i asked him if everything was ok, and he said "i don't know", so i said, "do you want to talk," and he goes, "thats not fair" (as in not fair to me.) so instead of answering him i put on a pertinent away message, "its a beautiful night...'by the ponds by the ponds' ... if a certain someone gets off his worry horse, thats where i'll be..." so i went out to the ponds. it was always a place we could talk before. so i waited.

- and he came.

- and we talked. and i feel better about a lot of things. it turns out he's been reading this (which i kind of wished he would) and knows everything - what i've done, how i felt, how i now feel (more or less) - everything. and i feel happy. happy knowing that he got to see my gut reactions to things, stuff i can't (and haven't) been able to say before. and last night i got out something that i have been needing to tell him for a long time - about how i always feared i cared more for him than he did for me. thats not to say i thought he didn't care - i knew he did. a lot. but i always wanted to be that step ahead which i was too afraid to take. and i think (i hope) that he understood what i was trying to tell him last night - that in some sort of way i loved him. that i always wanted to be saying "i love you" instead of "you're the best" or "you're so cute" or whatever the phrase of the week was. i think he's a great person, and he has a good heart. and now that we've had a talk about things, i'm eager to try to keep that great person a part of my life. to think of it as keeping "a great person" in my life, as opposed to keeping "eric" in my life is good, because it sets up the mindset of a friendship based on fun times, as opposed to companionship. i think we'd make really good friends. at this point i'm feeling confident enough that i just might be able to pull it off. i'm also pretty confident that he feels the same way. and for that i am glad. because it'd be a sad waste of time, if we were to be closed off to each other, after a lot of fun times.

- so thats that.

- "its four AM, i must be happy..."

- shitty round tonight. not what alan and i needed to whip ourselves into shape for amherst. not that it matters. maybe i should try to win the bet. it would prove i'm good at something, even if it is self destructive behavior. i hate these up and downs. its like my heads riding a damn roller coaster. earlier today i was on top of the world. now i'm just looking up, at the immense, black, sky.


25 Jan 2002 - untitled

- its all over...


26 Jan 2002 - i'm a fool

- another day, another tear, another nail in the coffin.

- i'm a fool. i've proved it to anyone now who might possibly care to know. especially debaters. i hate myself. i always mess everything up.

- two things of significance.

---- 1.) tonight with the car. i'm an idiot, and i bet crack thinks so now too. and other notable persona remaining unnamed...
---- 2.) last night i cried on eric's shoulder. and then i cried alone. tonight i cannot look at his face. and now i can't look at my own face.

- here's a song for you.

"here with me" ----- dido

I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
And I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory
Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me
I don't want to call my friends
They might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that's been
Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me

- late tonight i did one of the most daring things in my life to date. i hope all goes well...


27 Jan 2002 - today

- there are birds chirping outside this morning. i think thats the most refreshing thing i've heard in a long time

- heard from an old friend today. thats a real nice feeling. when someone who you thought had stopped thinking of you reaches out and lets you know they're still there, its so touching.

- had the last talk with eric for a while tonight, and thus this is my final update for january 27th. i will leave you with one thought - "there's got to be a light at the end of this tunnel...its just too far to see now."


28 Jan 2002 - less talking more something

- i am so scared

- i guess there wasn't so much to be scared about. there's a lot upon which i have to reflect, but now doesn't seem to be quite the time. so i will leave you with a poem. one of my personal favorites, written 28 Sept 2001, but all of a sudden pertinent again. here.


29 Jan 2002 - life

- today is a genuinely nice day. and i feel kind of happy to be alive...albeit alone...but kind of happy.

- "Wow...those were some good summers." what the hell does that mean? and why the hell do i want to know so bad?

- lost secretary to sara in elections. what could i have done wrong? i suppose its not worth worrying over, but i'm really sincerely disappointed. though i did comment to alan before the vote that'd i was sure her presidency loss (& senior year) might cause me problems. who knows if that was it though. spent some good times at mep house after that. the lets-pretend-everything-is-normal plan seems to be working alright...and i'm satisfied.




30 Jan 2002 - supa-blockbusta-day

- "i have supa-blockbusta-colon! get out!!!" (first thing i thought of this morning...but now its off to class)

- added nikki's (nikki p.) link to the left (LOVE YOU HUN!!!) figured i should post the new debate offices in here for posterity.

- president : jeff "crack" nelson
- vice prez : rob greenberg
- secretary : sara spurling
- treasurer : nikki hay
- publicity : alan "little brother" tannenwald
- head coach : greg wilson
- asst coach : russ gooberman
- co TDs : g men, rob greenberg and kevin grinberg
- captain : greg schwartz

- sometimes you have tough times sticking to plans you don't really like. (the i-can't-be-friends-with-you plan, not the lets-pretend-everything-is-normal plan. two VERY different things.)

- everything is NOT NORMAL. in fact, everything SUCKS. but I AM a good girl. i am trying DAMN HARD to be a good girl. because there are people out there who love me for WHO I AM. and it is for THOSE PEOPLE that i take care of myself. i HURT. and i GO ON.

heres a song for you.


31 Jan 2002 - hofstra

- well...i'm finally away from brandeis. i'm hoping that this will help. though i was talking to miriam today, and decided that even if i may have hurt someone last night, i needed that. for me. i was just plain tired of being nice, and pretending i was fine. because i'm not. and i needed him to know that right now, i REALLY DO hate how he has made me feel. and that i REALLY DO think that this was so unfair. and that i REALLY DON'T understand a word of explanation i've heard. so i needed to be honest, with him, and with myself. and now that i've got some time away, i hope i can start to feel a little better.

- another thing about last night that i decided: i'm not so sure its a great idea to use one problem as a solution to another. i don't really want to get in the habit of relying on something like that...










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