March 2002 - Rain On My Parade
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1 Mar 2002 - more and more uva
- so we stayed at princeton last nite. we're now at uva, and debating with andy is proving a real treat. though he does say "okay" every time he finishes a point. its cute tho. lol. (as mila would say.) no, but for real, things are going really well. we could be 1-2 or 2-1 but we're having good rounds and i'm having a good time debating. a really good time. we got to run his ford case which i love (actually its toby's - ironically enough), and hopefully tomorrow we're looking at a fourth round gov with my icc case. that would be fun. the drive down last nite did prove as interesting as expected, though it was not very fun to find out a few things. not that i care about them being out there. more that now i wonder what the hell is going on with all that. damn. i wish this shit was easier. everything. in any case, so far its a really fun weekend and thats great. just what i need right now. so i guess thats all for now...ciao!
2 Mar 2002 - still at the good ole' uva
- so andy and i just had a rather dissatissfying round with matt and evan from columbia. ugh. no fun. but i feel that i did as well as i could. i was kind of annoyed this morning when we left our place of sleeping (or rather, when I did) because i wished everyone would have stayed together. while there's sense in making sure we're checked in...i dunno... anyways, i am having a pretty happy weekend over all, but i feel a little disappointed at the moment. i think its a combination of the round and other stuff...guy stuff...bleh...
3 Mar 2002 - grr
- why does this always happen to me?? i'll write a really long entry and it will all get deleted. its the worst. to sum it up, debate was good this weekend, or at least the debate part. there were some good conversations on all four of the drives. but one resulted in me kind of feeling the inevitability of certain things that i've been using as displacement lately. i suppose i'm going to just have to find another object. haven't engaged in either form of self destructive behavior for a good week and a half, despite strong urges to smoke this weekend. good stuff. though i'm feeling pretty stressed right now. in other updates, i dunno, i did a little whining about school and stuff. whatever. its all lost somewhere on the big ole world wide web now. oh well. i'm out.
- and one more thing: this page is MUCH too pink for me right now. bleh.
- AHHH. blue. mucho mas preferable.
- so i was playing and i decided to start an online journal on another server. just to see what it would be like. and i'm already learning shit from it. like how to do stuff like links. yay.
4 Mar 2002 - web web web
- so the web page is really coming along. thats exciting. i am typing too loud probably - my roommate and her boy are asleep. but i can't help it. learning html is exciting, and seeing it actualized is even cooler. anyways, its nearly 3am, i'm madd tired, so its off to bed for bethy
5 Mar 2002 - situations
- certain situations cause me worry.
- its amazing sometimes how really little things can set one off. like someone saying "you have an awesome smile" makes one feel worse rather than better, considering the previous source of that comment... {{sigh}} if i had a dollar...
- i should try harder to get good at basketball
- i wish certain things were clearer. some days one thing, other days something else. ride em cowgirl...
6 Mar 2002 - whats the b?
- the latest blog buzzword seems to be passive-agressive-ism. so of course i have to make a valid stretch to include it in today's entry.
- being passively upset at things doesn't necessarily mean one needs or wants to get confrontational. in fact, most of the time they don't, especially when the SOURCE of the harm is something TOTALLY DIFFERENT than that which PROVOKES it. so no worries go out to someone...
- i'm glad i'm getting to hang out with mel, even if its just studying for a midterm. she seems so cool, and i hope we can become better friends.
- the roommate situation is slightly worsening. all i mean by this is that some days the tension in here is so thick you'd think you could whip out a knife, slice it up, and serve it like a birthday cake to hungry kids...
7 Mar 2002 - until
- haven't found it yet...
8 Mar 2002 - haverford
- so here we are...pennsylvania... oh baby. i am excited for this tournament. nikki and i are pumped and ready to rip shit up. we've got good new cases, cute outfits, and ENTHUSIASM!!! this looks like it could be the best tournament in a while.... guess that remains to be seen...
9 Mar 2002 - stuff
favorite new song of the moment: "hotel california" by the eagles...i know for most people thats not new, and maybe ya'll don't like it either, but there's just something about its melancholy tone that i feel very close to, and even if i'm not addicted to cocaine i know the feeling of hopeless addiction...to whatever...
...so haverford kind of turned out to be "busted" (as those weird APDA people would say) for me and nikki. we debated well but got shitty speaks and didn't break. i don't care too much though, i feel like we did well together. its a shame neither of us really loves LO-ing, otherwise i'd say we'd make a good partnership next year. i just don't want to break out of PM-MO ing. i tried LOing again this weekend, and it was a freaking disaster. statute of limitations. something i believe was on russ' list of stock cases we should know how to opp, but oh well. i'm a fool some rounds, and so it goes.
...i'm a fool in a few other ways too. i should learn to talk less when drinking. i CANNOT believe i shared something so private with someone so...random? or maybe the word i was looking for was "annoying-as-hell." i should just learn to answer "Nothing" sincerely when someone says "What's wrong?" grr....
...one last thought before i go to read. when someone actually seems to think that they don't exist, my thought is that its not really possible to think that. and this isn't meant to offend those i know who believe it, its just that to me the concept of one seemingly believing without doubt that they as a person, entity, being, whatever, DON'T EXIST - it just doesn't seem possible. to me it seems much more likely that that's something that people convince themselves to think when they aren't comfortable with the idea of having to consider the concept of "me." though its an interesting concept. i'll need to think about it a little more before i can fully expound what i think.
10 Mar 2002 - 3 AM again...
- its sad that sometimes we spend so much of our lives feeling bad about the things that happen. but its great when we can go to those few great friends who make it better. you know who you are...and thanks...
- some days the world just seems so unjust...
- I TAKE IT BACK!!!!! I GOT A SINGLE IN NORTH!!!!!! HOW AWESOME IS THAT????? WOOHOOO!!!!!
11 Mar 2002 - ali!
- so many good things today. a little difficulty, but mostly good stuff. i'll take it. I <3 ali. I <3 nik. I <3 class. i don't mind anthro midterms. i don't even REALLY mind roommate conflicts.
just keep telling myself...SINGLE IN NORTH! SINGLE IN NORTH! SINGLE IN NORTH!
12 Mar 2002 - round and round we go
- judged an interesting round tonight....russ greg justin and harrison.
- hope we didn't embarrass rob too much
- other than the tiny midday slump, today was pretty alright. good stuff. alright is good.
13 Mar 2002 - thoughts
- do you ever wonder what it is that makes you get up to leave the room the exact moment someone is coming through the door?
- or why when we prepare ourselves to see someone they're not there, and then we see them when we least expect it?
- or why it is that sometimes when you're thinking of calling someone you know the phone rings?
- i sometimes wonder when things like that happen. i wonder if we're all just pawns on some supernatural being's chessboard. i wonder to what extent i chose what i do. i wonder why it is that sometimes we all do things, and then sit back and wonder why. i find it an interesting possibility that we're moved around to the amusement of someone else. kind of a scary idea, but also a cool one.
- just my thoughts for the moment...
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- dear readers - this may be the most exciting piece of information i have to share in a long time:
............i think i have made my peace with love.
............or at least one love in particular.
............and if thats true, which it seems to be, its the best thing ever.
14 Mar 2002 - garbage
- the trash is overflowing...maybe i should do something about that.
- damn...i had miami all the way to the third round. crap. at least tulsa won. small victory. :-) 5 for 7 so far today...9 to go...
- its hard to articulate exactly how i feel right now, but here it goes. i feel hurt. really hurt. no. that sounds too childish. though it seems appropro when i consider the great well of sadness tapped tonight that opens all too frequently. & when fucking mean are the only words that come to mind concerning some people. it seems as though people who have no other way of communicating use OVERT signals instead of words. pathetic. and obnoxious. but i suppose my main gripe of the evening, if i can demean it enough to call it a gripe, is the same thing which always makes me sad if i think about it too long - which is the possibility of never really being loved. or more importantly - of never having someone care as much for me as i care for them. i love my family. and they love me. and i love my best friends. and they love me. but anyone else i have ever loved hasn't quite loved me in the same way, or in some cases at all. now that doesn't mean that anyone i have (or do RIGHT NOW) care about is automatically someone i love. not true. but in the relationships i have had where i've loved someone its always been really hard for me, because i never really felt the same coming back to me. i always felt as though i cared about my significant other a little (or a lot) more than they did for me. i'm sure sometimes it could have been that they didn't know how to show it, or sometimes that they did and i just didn't see it - but i really also believe that i haven't found the person who is meant for me. and i think thats my challenge - to find someone who puts in as much and who LOVES AS DEEPLY. because to me love is something where you are willing to DO - to sacrifice for the person you care about, to give and give until you can't give anymore, and to expect the same from your love. and when its just not there its pretty hard to ignore. and i don't know what it is that makes it so hard for some people to care. i guess its just that they don't want to, or that they're afraid, or that they want to but they just can't. whatever it is, i always seem to find them, and they it. but i want that to be over. i want to have someone love me. because i am getting pretty damn tired....and HOPELESS. because even though there are people in my life who care about me, and even love me, in some ways - its just not the same as having anything but romantic love. because there's nothing like it in the world. nothing. it has brought people some of the best joys ever. but when its only one sided, it also brings some of the greatest hurts in the world too. and i don't know how much more hurt i can take.
15 Mar 2002 - middlebury today
- hope all will go well. am really excited to debate with stor, but also nervous as hell. i am really worried that in some way i'll be letting the team down if we don't do well. and i also don't want to let storey down. i don't want to be one on a list of failed weekends...
- so stuffs goin alright. stor and i are either 2-1 or 3-0 we think and either way i think we're fine so thats good. its been cool to debate with him. as cool as i hoped and more. he's just so smart its ridiculous. i hope someday i can be as good/successful a debater as him. had a little bit of sad tonight dealing with one certain unnamed boy, but se la vie, oui?
16 Mar 2002 - from middlebury (not your traitor) with love
- well....tourney's done. stor and i broke. when they announced it there was more common relief than i've ever felt before. unfortunately we got punted to by greg and russ in quarters. its unfortunate because i know they wanted to debate, and because i feel just a teensy weensy little bit delegitimized in getting to semis. but whatever. not going to think about it. we also broke two other teams - sara and chetan (YAY - FINALLY!!!) and bernbaum and greg schwartz (WOOHOO!). unfortunately they both lost in quarters. so that left stor and me debating marty roth and nico cornell (from harvard) in semis. we ran go to canada or deal with the legal system. they picked canada - we clearly beat them - and we lost on a 2-1 decision. it was not so bad at first, but the more i thought about it the more i wonder how the hell we possibly could have lost. they hit dom and em in finals and were rightly smushed, but it still sucks that storey and i lost. it would have been so amazing to be in a final round (though the semis house was just as large). and that alone was pretty freaking cool too. i felt so great debating in front of the whole team - it gave me such confidence. and i felt like i gave my best two speeches of the tournament. so if winning in outrounds is no different than winning in inrounds (and i gave my best 2 speeches) then why the hell didn't we win?? kind of dissolusioning. whatever. overall, it was still an amazing weekend. it really makes me wish i was born a few years earlier, and maybe i could have debated more with storey. its really sad to think of how close we all are to the years end. i'm going to be really sad to see him go. he's been a lot to me this year - debate wise and otherwise. kind of like a mentor, a friend, an idol, :) and a big brother all rolled into one. {{sigh}} debate next year is going to be really different i feel. but i suppose we'll see. in any case, i'm still glad its a part of my life....
17 Mar 2002 - stuff
- so much for my peace with love.
- ever wish you could tell what people were thinking? i wished that a lot this weekend.
18 Mar 2002 - arghhhhh
- that was a shitty poem. i musta been silly to put it in.
- anyways, so i took this philosophy test and it told me that I am: 100% Bentham, 94% Kant, and 91% Mill. i wish i knew enough about philosophy to know what that meant. {{sigh}} well, guess its off to classes...woohoo...
- i'm feeling bored with life again today...
- damn! a three hour class discussion on rights! i'll take that!
19 Mar 2002 - peeps
- i'm not in the mood to deal with people today. they frustrate me...
- new color scheme? what do you guys think? feel free to comment...
- someone wanted to hybrid with me!! and it wasn't tub! i'm flattered!
- tuesdays suck so bad. i always have this lonely feeling when there's nothing to do.
20 Mar 2002 - late
- its actually quite zen to have the sun be rising just as you're going to bed. makes one feel a little more in touch with the world somehow...
- someone very special once told me how much they loved that i always saw the deeper meaning behind things. i thought about that today. i don't want to lose that desire, and at the moment it's a little clouded. something to work on getting back...
- my heart feels broken. some days i wonder if it will ever work again...
21 Mar 2002 - hope
- TODAYS QUESTION: can there be action without thought?
- MY ANSWER: No. When there is action w/o thought it is REACTION. Actions are completed when there's prior thought.
- INTERESTED? Ask me more.
- ali's coming this weekend. hoping i'll regain some sanity by then. Dubious.
22 Mar 2002 - no debate?!?!
- so it feels soooo weird to not be debating this weekend. i haven't had a week off of debate (by choice) this semester. i got cut from yale, but other than that its been debate every weekend. two things could happen - i could have a nice relaxing weekend, or my mind could atrophy and i could become a bumbling idiot. we'll see. i miss nikki already. and i feel bad that i was kind of offputting when she left. {{sigh}} well, hopefully she, stor, dom, and em should have a fun weekend.
23 Mar 2002 - ali time
- ali's here!!! i'm so excited!! we went into boston today with alan and it was a lot of fun. despite the cold and the long wait we kept ourselves entertained. its sooooo good to see her. i missed her lots. and she's improved my mood so much just by being here. i was in a really bad mood before she got here and i was afraid i was going to show her a bad time. but its been really good. hopefully there'll be something going on tonite so that she and i can party a bit, but who knows...
24 Mar 2002 - blah
- so last nite was kind of boring and i feel bad, but ali still seemed to have fun anyways, i hope...
- went to see mike's play today. its strange how seeing someone in a different context can change the way you view them.
- so wow, crazy reports from fairfield and swat. apparantly random cornell novices broke at fairfield and didn't stay, and nikki and harrison broke at swat. second weekend that the two tourneys we went to have been polar opposites. anyhow, don't want to write long since ali's here, so all for now.
25 Mar 2002 - some stuff
- everyday i lose a little more faith in the intellectual capabilities of the people at my school - and people in general. i intend to start an "Idiot Daily Quote." todays winner? "yo, steph, why are there so many dorks everywhere?" uttered as i sit a table away from her in the cafeteria - alone...reading...by myself...god forbid. {{sigh}}
- my life is a sad sad thing. don't you hate when you reach an absolute threshold of recognition with someone? like you wake up one day and they can walk right by you and not see you? that, dear readers, is a sad sad thing.
- i hate beautiful girls. nikki's got it right --> they should have just made everyone ugly. that would have been better for those of us who think we are.
- don't do this to me. plase don't do this to me. its the worst possible thing that could happen with all this. worst. especially if its her. because it would prove its possible. possible for anyone but me. anyone but me.
- so i'm feeling something kinda weird today. can't seem to stop listening to fun ghetto rap. why is nikki inside my damn mind? why am i even thinking about this? its the last thing in the world that i would be expecting to be thinking about. random. it could just be a freak accident tho. guess i'll see.
26 Mar 2002 - bleh
- fun times with ali today. especially the conversation about sex. its always fun to be girlie and its hard when there's guys hanging around.
- hate boys. all of them. fuckers.
- wise and otherwise is fun, but i wish that everyone was as into the games as me. though some people are and that in itself is dismaying.
- open the well a little further please...
27 Mar 2002 - wednesdays
- stuck in the middle of the week, these days are often not exciting. though i'm going home tonite which should be nice. i think its really what i need right now. a lot. a whole lot. lunch with mel yesterday which i forgot to write about was really great. i like talking to her and i'm glad we're friends. hoping the drive to jersey today will be chaos free - what with my deathstar breaks and all... oy...
28 Mar 2002 - home
good to be here.
thats all i have to say about that one.
29 Mar 2002 - blogs
- the only problem with cryptic passive-agressive blogs is that you can never be 100% sure who exactly the blog is speaking about. sometimes you can, but othertimes you are left wondering.
- adali today. hoping it will be fun. nikki and i prepped a ton. i think we can handle it. i feel it "in my chi" as eric would say. wonder how he's doing... {{sigh}}
(a bit of non-cryptic entry for you there)
- crack wants mindless entertainment. i want to BE mindless some days.
- i am in love with two people. and they are both breaking my heart. one i feel does it cause he wants to (not to be mean, but he wants to do the actions which cause my sadness) and one does it cause he has to. or maybe its a little of both. either way, its so hard to just be.
30 Mar 2002 - princeton princeton
- so whatever. nikki and i are hoping we went 4-1. as long as we beat bender and his non-existing-mg partner. even so its dubious if we have the speaks to break. it was still a fun tournament tho. so whatever.
31 Mar 2002 - blah
- blah party last nite. blah day today. blah blah blah. i hate boys. (sorry for this petty whiny entry, i'm just having a petty whiny day.)
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