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2 Dec 2001 - Lotsa Stuff
- well i was writing a really long winded entry last nite when bebe deleted it by accident. so i guess i'll just sum it up: MIT didn't go as well as i would have liked, i realized my relief from the big D was only temporary (why don't i ever think of that first?), i have tons of work to do but i am trying not to let it stress me, and bebe is finally better.
- on that note, however, i have some other news... things are going well - i think. we had a great night last night, like really great. we went out with his friends, and i am getting along ok with them, which is good - makes things less awkward for me (not that they ever really are...ha). and after we came back and went to bed. there good as well. but this morning he got upset and i know not what about. and the worst is that it happened while we were together in bed, and so i am afraid that i did something to upset him. he says he doesn't think so. damn. a NO would have been better. but thats not the most of my concern. the most of my concern is that clearly SOMETHING is bothering him. and i just wish i could do more to help. on a better note though, when we finally got up at like 3, we had a really fun lunch together.
- my journalism paper is still due on friday, and i still haven't started. darn. just can't motivate myself. besides that i have the most splitting headache today. oh well.
- ahh, one last thing. the conflict i felt at williams/smith and talked about with "craaaaazy" has sort of resurfaced. not nearly as strong, yet still there. i can't figure out why. i have not one other wish than what i have. but yet, i just desire to be a damsel in shining armour. its disturbing. i understand the why - it is certainly a deserved feeling - but i can't understand why it is there NOW. "craaaazy" seems to think that to a certain degree those things never go away. i think that its because i never get anything back from it that it still plagues me - and maybe if i did... but who knows. its not a huge deal, and now that the tourney is over, i'm not really thinking about it anymore. so thats that.
- not feeling so great... head is aching, nose is stuffy as hell. think i am going to get to bed madd early tonite. maybe then i'll feel better.
- i wish college wasn't so boring
-
The Other Girl
i hate that she hates me.
i wish she would give me a chance.
she can pretend all she wants to him that she doesn't hate me.
i am not a hateful person.
i hate that she never says hello when she sees me.
i hate that she tries as hard as possible not to make eye contact with me.
i hate that she tries not to even look at me.
i hate that if her eyes actually do happen to fall my way, if i am in any way shape or form touching him, within them i can see blazing lightning.
i hate that she hates me.
i wish that she'd give me a chance.
3 Dec 2001 - todo es bueno
- well i am in a good mood today. still having crappy health, but in the grand scheme of things thats not important. friends issues are resolving themselves nicely. and i am feeling lucky to be here. thats a good thing. things are good with bebe. the journalism paper is still looming in the future, but i don't think i REALLY need to start worrying till wednesday. not much else to say about today. maybe i'll have more later. till then ~ adios!
5 Dec 2001 - stuff
- grrr
- i just deleted this entry as i was working on it
- thats annoying
- had kind of a bad nite last nite
- talking about it always helps
- but i worry
- a ton
- that he is more frustrated than he lets on
- i don't want this to end
- ever
- but if it does, i certainly don't want it to be over that
- i'd be scarred for life
- i wish i could read minds
- "always have to steal my kisses from you"
- how not coincidental that that should come on
- i can't wait for school to be over
- not that i don't like it
- i'm just bored with what i am learning
- and i am eager to get away for a bit
- hoping that certain situations will be different when i return
- this is the longest "one week" friendship fluctuation i've ever experienced
- damn it
- i hate drugs
- they're the cause of my isolation
- why can't they see how bad that makes me feel?
- are they really friends?
- i can count on some of them
- i think
- i hope
- you know whats a good song?
- crush with eyeliner, by REM
- rem REMinds me of bebe
- maybe he'll want to get off campus tonite
- i should ask him
- i don't want to smother him
- thats another topic for another day, though.....
- well, i think that thats about enough ramblings for one day, so for now, this is college frosh Tatum - SIGNING OFF!!!!!
6 Dec 2001 - better...sort of...well
god.
broken.
two times broken.
feet.
red.
sleeves.
innundate.
blood.
pain.
~glinting in the moonlight~
pain
blood
innundate
sleeves
red
feet
two times broken
broken
god!!
hate lying.
- wasn't even thinking today. had a great nite last nite. but now i go to write. and i think. and i can't stop.
- i don't know why i am seemingly trying so hard to push him away. i broke my promise, i look for misunderstandings, i tell him things that i know will make him think that i am strange. i need to stop, but i can't stop myself. its like i think he's too good for me, but because he is actually with me the only way i can convince myself i do deserve him is to test him in every way possible. but i don't want to do that. why can't i just have a normal relationship for once in my fucking life????? this boy is GREAT. i like him sooo much. i don't think i've ever felt so compatable with someone before. excerpt from 11/13 REAL journal entry:
- "I feel as though my relationship with Bebe is ill-fated. Even though I have never felt such strong companionship with anyone. We love the same music (for the most part :-) ), we ike to have discussions, we agree or feel similarly on many issues, if we don't agree we see the other's point of view, we enjoy sports, we write poetry, we love history, we love to help others learn (anything), we appreciate good lyrics, and good freinds, we have similar (yet also very different) views of god, we're both jewish, we're both curious, we both love waking up next to each other, we often are thinking the same thing and if one doesn't say it the other does, we do the same ridiculous mannerisms, we clap our hands at the same jokes, we both love to be silly, we both understand that there are times to be serious, we know the value of confrontation, we know the value of being a respectable person, we know ARE good people, and most importantly, we LIKE TO HAVE FUN, and with each other! Yet despite all these wonderful things about us that just pop into my head every time I see him, I also can't help thinking how I want it to last. And thats where the problem comes. I'm only 18 years old, I still have potentially 7 1/2 years more of education ahead of me, just as he could have 6 1/2. And so I realize the chances of us staying together are not great. Who knows. I just don't know if 6 hours or six days or even six months from now that either of us will want a committment (with ANYONE.) And so I think about the unavoidable future. I'll have to come head to head with it eventually."
- And maybe thats why I am always doing something to push him away from me. Maybe its because I know I am going to get hurt sooner or later, so it may as well be sooner rather than later. I don't know. I just know that there is something seriously wrong with me right now. And I really just want it to go away....
- help me.....
7 Dec 2001 - to sylvia
to sylvia
"to the person in the bell jar,
blank and stopped as a dead baby,
the world itself is the bad dream..."
just want to be free,
at least sylvia understood me.
i liken it more to a scarf
black in its opaqueness
descends around me
covers my ears and eyes
and brings only vagueness
idleness and despair.
can't hear can't see
can't live can't be
"i cry, you cry, we cry"
looking through bleary eyes
up to the dark sky
least erykah's got feelings like mine.
she's feelin the highs
she's feelin the lows
the instability grows.
one moment sound on the ground
and then the next caught in a vortex
storm tosses me around
the way back home
may never be found
"Muero porque no muero"
I die because I do not die.
Santo Juan sabe estoy huero.
Saint John knows that hollow am I.
The void pulls from inside
chords are struck within my heart
hard hitting as the mallet
which strikes the piano's dead strings
produces an ethereal sound
notes that float away
...but I want to float away too
10 Dec 2001 - absence of profundity
- so this dang server was updating all day yesterday, and part of the day before and i haven't gotten to write in a loooong time. so stuff has been alright. i wrote "to sylvia" on friday to make myself feel better and it really worked. i might have said this already but i always remember too late how much better i feel after i write. went to boston on friday w/ alan, then to FA, and then got drunk - too drunk. saturday spent some quality time off campus w/ bebe. that was nice. got 12 hours of sleep last night. ludicrous. at least i'm not tired. anyways, not much to say today. maybe more later ~
- absence of profundity. thats just what there's been lately. not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
- still estranged from JLI, she really isn't making any effort to include me in any way. it still hurts, but much of my hurt has manifested into anger. i don't want to act on that, so for now i am hanging back. i know friendships this year are supposed to be wavering and inconsistent, but it hurts when the vascilation stops on one side for TOO long. oh well.
- relations with bebe are normal - or as normal as they get. i still think i have found the bad egg. and i am REALLY disappointed that thats where it seems to be. i have never had a problem in that aspect of my relationships before. and it just sucks. i just feel so close to him all the time, but then i act unexpectedly, and i always seem to screw something up.
- its a scary thing when you are actually able to stare your immature qualities in the face. i was kind of in denial about mine's existance until certain events sunday and yesterday, but its kind of hard to ignore them after i acted so thoughtlessly in the considerate friend department. fucking shit.
- so the obsession is held at bay...for the moment...most likely for always, though its weird to think of it like that...
11 Dec 2001 - worlds crap
- so...three hours of worlds crap. and thats all i have to say about THAT one. well, maybe not. i am worried about it. not actively, but passively. i really don't think that i know enough about ANYTHING to judge worlds rounds. i am starting to realize what an uneducated person i am. i mean, i know stupid crap like vocabulary and algebra and some history. but what do i really know?? what can i tell you about what is GOING ON in the world? and why its like that? NOT MUCH. wow, maybe i am starting to side with the side that puts down the SATS, even if i did get a good score. cause i don't know shit - and right about now i am feeling comparitively pretty stupid. anyways, i gots work to do, yo! (hahahahahaha) till tomorrow~
12 Dec 2001 - hunger
- the more you feed a hunger, the worse it gets...
13 Dec 2001 - SO MUCH so little
- started a resolution last nite in bed: EAT LESS, FATTY! i did it before, i can do it again.
did good today ---> 50 calorie cup of soup (GOOD), 2 slices of pizza (BAD), tiny bowl of non fat frozen yogurt (GOOD)
- not bad for a whole day. as long as i don't eat anything in this next 4 hours, i'll be fine.
- political theory final tomorrow. been studying for several hours. feel pretty well prepared. school is easy. its life thats hard.
- bebe and i are good. i think. everything seems alright. we studied together last nite and got pizza at like 1 in the morning which was fun. (but i think thats what spawned the fat contemplation in bed last nite). but its fine, i will just start eating less and eventually i'll start looking human again.
- hope i can see bebe again today, but he's always so busy. busy or not, he always makes time for me though. i'd just really like to sleep in someone's arms tonite...
- i knew i couldn't do it. i fucked up already. not even a day and i am already fucking up. i just ate an entire hershey's chocolate bar. its all her fault. fucking bitch. i don't see why she can't just ask me. maybe I wanted to go too dammit! why the hell has she got to be so fucking immature?!?!?! its so blatant, so fucking blatant. she makes me feel like a worthless piece. i hate it. i don't deserve to be demeaned by someone like her. she's not worth my aggravation. bitch. whatever. so i fucked it up. i guess i am destined to stay a fat ugly girl for life. whatever. its not worth worrying about. or trying to change. i am a piece - i think that now, and its all her fault.
14 Dec 2001 - happy
- i am so happy today. life is good for a while. i will revel in that
- stuff is good. had lots of fun times tonite - hung with debaters, secret santa with hall, chillin in bebe's suite. want to sleep over, hope its ok with him. he's sitting on his bed right now, but he's not reading this thank goodness. wrote a poem here a couple nites ago - wanna put it in... here...
15 Dec 2001 - hanukkah stuff
- exchanged hanukkah presents with bebe today. he seemed to be appreciative of the cake CD and the black dog. he got me a really cute teddy bear from build a bear, and when you squeeze its paw it says, "hello, bef. give me a hug" in eric's voice. so thats fun - it will be nice to have it over break, if i miss him i can just listen to the bear. after that i slept over. we had a good night. communication is improving though still not ideal... anyways, thats about all for now - - take care, and goodnight...
17 Dec 2001 - fucker!!!
this fucking piece of crap!!!! such a perfect metaphor for how i am feeling right now!!! write a huge ass entry all about how i am feeling right now, and why i think that is so, and what happens?? i write the last word and all of a sudden what do i see on the page but, "PAGE EXPIRED". fucking assholes. whatever. i can't take this fucking shit. more american beauty sounds for me. woohoo. FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!
18 Dec 2001 - home
- such a weird sensation to be home. but first let me tell what happened before i went home. had the most amazing night ever with bebe last night. everything was perfect. P-E-R-F-E-C-T. just in case you missed it the first time. we talked for awhile - had a great discussion about politics (a little less than sunday though). y mas que no voy a decir. finally went to bed at little after six. but slept better than ever - in his arms all night. such a lovely feeling to wake up next to him. and he told me that he would miss me. i needed to hear that. then i took my journalism final - not so bad a'tall. then ate dunch with bebe, and he came over and hung out till i left. the goodbye was fine, much better than i expected. especially because we've been having such a nice couple of days. he's the best. honestly. so now, back to home. it was a good drive - pretty quick, no traffic. i like josh bart more than i thought. he's quite tolerable - even fairly entertaining at times. i've spent the past hour and a half or so talking to seth about music. started with a discussion about all the cool bands i had been discovering (or being shown (BEBE!!)) at college. was good to be bonding with him again. its just a little odd, because i feel like our relationship has changed so much in the past few months, and a TON in the context of the past two years. so much has happened since then. i'm such a different person in so many ways, yet it many ways i'm much too the same. i can't wait till ali comes home, tho i am sure that will be odd too. i feel that dichotomy of new me and old me sometimes and it scares me, because i wonder which one is really which, and sometimes think maybe i am confused. anyways, thats about all for now, i really should get some rest. nite~~
20 Dec 2001 - sooooo
not much to say today. ran some errands yesterday and early today. hung out with zeshan, annie, and loughlin tonite and that was fun. gonna go now.
21 Dec 2001 - windless
- hey...sorry about last nights pitiful energy, i just ran outta steam. went to a mini high school get together today. saw two of my old teachers, from sophmore year, two of my all time favorites i think. it was nice, but it kind of felt stupid at the same time - like why i am i back at high school if i don't really belong, you know? to boot, two people commented today that i seemed like i was "sad" or "not in the best mood ever." that didn't make me very happy considering that i thought i was on the upshot right now. and i know that i shouldn't let other people's opinions convince me of how i'm feeling, its just that i wonder if i put out a negative feeling now, what the hell i was putting out two weeks ago. scary.
- anyhow, alisson came home today. was good to see her. just a teensy bit anticlimactic i suppose. i was looking for some huge rush of emotion, but it just felt like all the other times i have come home from somewhere else to find her, just as usual. not that her usual state is a bad state - just that sometimes it feels like nothing has changed, kind of in a weird way. maybe i am too introspective. maybe thats my problem. like maybe if i just ignored myself a little more often i'd be a happier person. who knows..
- i told zeshan yesterday about "the mistake." he understood. but i think it may have upset him a little. it was so great to see him. i'm always able to be so frank and honest with him, and that is a quality that so few people seem to possess - that total approachableness. in any case, i told him what bebe thought, about how i should talk to someone. and then i told him that i didn't really want to. and he said, "why, cause you would have to admit to yourself that there's something wrong?" and i guess he's right. i guess thats part of it. plus i really don't see how talking to a psychologist is going to help me - probably everything they know about me i already know about myself. plus, if you try to say that it just helps to get it all out to someone - i DO that. ALREADY. and it doesn't help at all. sometimes it even makes it worse. i mean i guess every once in a while it feels good to vent, but most of the time whats bothering me is much bigger than any little venting session can express.
- i should stop this. the more i think about the possibility of something being seriously wrong with me the worse i feel. but if i ignore feeling bad, that doesn't help either. everything that causes feelings in me just builds up when i ignore it, until there is too much for me to deal with anymore, and it all comes spilling out like a broken dam. i dunno.
- i stayed up late last night and watched TV. and the last thing i watched was this old episode of family ties, where michael fox cheats on his girlfriend and then consults the old philosophers to figure out what to do - freud, shakespeare, and some existential philosopher - jeanpaul somebody-or-other. and the reason the existentialist is lying around is cause his sister is reading it for english. and one of the subplots of the episode is that because of that, his sister has decided theres no real meaning to life, so why should she do anything, or try to get pleasure from anything. i'm thinking about that now. ali and nikki want to go out tonight. but if they think that i am acting like i'm sad, than whats the point of me going, really? i'll just be a downer. i may as well stay home.
- AH, but i just thought of something. if i stay home then i will be creating a self fulfilling prophecy - others tell me i am sad so i tell myself that i must be sad, and therefore become sad. NO. not today for me! i should really turn off this damn american beauty soundtrack.
- all4now...
23 Dec 2001 - nonpassover
- ali slept over last nite. we watched shrek at her house before we came here. it was cute. this morning i made matzo meal pancakes for breakfast. yum. i love having passover food when its not passover. i got some cleaning and organizing done in my room, and i am working on a really cool background for a collage (for whom, i do not yet know). then i went over alis to dye her hair, came home, and showered, cause aaron was coming. OH, and we did hanukkah presents tonight. i got the COOLEST hanukkah present E-V-E-R. i finally got a camera!!!!! i am so excited. its a nikon, but its got 8 focus settings - 7 of which are various automatic ones that you can set for effects, and the eighth of which is manual. and its the kind you can buy all different lenses and flashes for. i am looking forward immensely to learning how to use it. i've always loved photography. maybe i can take a course at school. hmmm. anyways, after hanukkah stuff with the fam, i stayed up and messed around for the camera for a while. now i'm writing here, and then i am going to bed. oh, and i got to talk to bebe for 5 minutes or so today, which was nice. its good that he seems to be having a good break. as am i. A4N.
24 Dec 2001 - christmas eve
i'm scaring myself again. had a good day. hung out with the fam, played taboo, went over ali's, hung with her and nik, all fun stuff. but then when i was driving home tonite the only things that were running through my head were ways that people kill themselves, and how interesting it might be to just wrap that ole intrepid around a tree. i just started bawling on the way home. it was ludicrous. if theres one reason in the whole world that i am looking forward to going back to brandeis, its for the ability to go talk to the psychologist. not that my opinions on them have changed or anything, but maybe he'll refer me to a shrink who'll give me some fucking prozac or something. this fucking sucks...
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