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November 19, 1998 : Historian, Pulp Zero Countdown, The Phantom Menace... |
Historian
Mike Died. He was stabbed to death in an alleyway. More on this shit soon MOTHERFUCKER@!Welcome To The Clans
Ventrue
Ventrue are old
fashioned and
tradition bound. The
Ventrue are
sophisticated and
genteel. They believe
in good taste above
all else and work
hard to make their
lives comfortable.
They are most
frequently leaders in
the Camarilla and are
some of the most
cautious, honorable,
social and elegant of
Kindred.
Malkavian
Malkavians are
insane, one and all.
From madness,
however, comes
wisdom, and from
wisdom comes
power. The
Malkavians are true
creatures of chaos.
However, the
Malkavians are also
known to be clowns
and pranksters. As
with all things
connected with them,
not everything
makes sense.
Tremere
The members of this clan are
dedicated and extremely well
organized. Others believe
them to be arcane and
untrustworthy. They are
aggressive, highly
intellectual, and manipulative.
They respect only those who
struggle and presevere
despite all odds. The Tremere
believe that they must use
the other clans in order to
prosper. " Be friendly with
them, let them think that we
are one with them, but never
forget that we serve our clan
first and foremost," the
Tremere elders whisper to
their progeny. " If you must
use your friends in service to
the clan, then you know that
your time was not wasted."
Gangrel
The Gangrel are wanderers,
who rarely stay in one place
for any length of time. The
Gangrel are in and of
themselves very capable
shapeshifters, which may
explain their ability to cross
into Lupine territory and wild
areas unmolested.
Toreador
The members of this clan are
known for their hedonism.
Although, that is a
misinterpretation of what
they truly are. They are a
proud and regal Kindred,
highly excitable and
cultivated to expensive
tastes. Yet, hedonism is
going a bit too far... Artists
are always so
misunderstood.
Caitiff
Some kindred do not have a
clan at all, but are of bastard
blood. This sometimes
happens because they were
abandoned by their sire or
that they were Embraced by
an outcast vampire. A
combination of thinness of
blood and lack of social
training has made them
Clanless. This is a fairly
recent phenomenon, and
thus they are disdained by
many of the other Kindred.
Though many Caitiff are
considered to be pariahs or
anarchs, not all of them are
outcasts. Some are accepted
among the Damned, but none
have yet reached an age
where they have achieved
any real potential.
\
Brujah
The Brujah clan is almost
completely composed of
rebels of one kind or
another. They forever
search for the ultimate
expression of their
individuality. They are made
up of punks, skinheads,
bikers, death-rockers, freaks,
socialist and anarchist.
There have also been known
to be extreme left or right
wing politicians included
amongst thier ranks. They
tend to be stubborn, highly
aggressive, ruthless,
sensitive to slights, and
extremely vengeful. They are
the most uncontrollable of
all the Kindred.
Nosferatu
The Nosferatu are the least
human-appearing of all the
clans. They look something
like feral animals. Their smell
and appearance are
revolting - one could even
say monstrous. They have
long bulbous ears,
coarse-skinned skulls
covered with tufts of hair
and elongated faces
splotched with disgusting
warts and lumps. These
being counted as the less
nauseating of their features.
Welcome To The Clans
Ventrue
Ventrue are old
fashioned and
tradition bound. The
Ventrue are
sophisticated and
genteel. They believe
in good taste above
all else and work
hard to make their
lives comfortable
Is it just me or is that counter actually moving? Historian, after weeks of not hearing from him, actually returned. The Viewaskew Timeline Dude reveals where he was at:
"Man, I was running cross-country with my bitch! She's a hooker. She's a hooker with cold hands that grab my co----"
Oh, shit. Sorry. That was the wrong report. Excuse that. Here's the real one:
"Mike,
I just saw the Episode I trailer and am a little to excited to even think
about another film, but I will try and make this a funny enough story for you to
post. BTW, my internet connection has been down the past two days which is why it
took me so long to get back to you, sorry."
The funny enough story he's talking about is his review on Meet Joe Black. If ya want to read it...check out The Film Review.
Pulp Zero Countdown
Mike: This picture has nothing to do with my report.
I just recently received an E-Mail from an anonimous source asking us what the hell is that blurry anouncement at the end of the Index Page. The blurry anouncement is actually a revelation of things to come. Starting January 1st, we're going to be counting down to the big '00 and to the beginning of the next milennium '01. Pulp Zero is going to grow enormously plus we're going to have celebrity guests and sound files in which you can actually hear us all talk instead of reading what we say. It's going to be a fucking blast but that's all I can reveal for the time. Just scroll down the main page and see for yourselves.
The Phantom Menace...
This exites me more than a pair of wet panties. The Phantom Menace trailer is out and crowds galore are even cheering at the lightsabers flashing on the screen. Here's a re-cap of the trailer which you can actually catch in theaters on Friday.
The trailer is over two minutes long but it seems to reveal alot about the film but in fact, it doesn't. It's just like The Phantom Menace poster with Anakin walking in the middle of Tattoine?
It's going to be an adventure movie just like A New Hope. The scenes quickly making a rapid collage and all the madness contained in it makes you drool and reserve your tickets for that May opening weekend.
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November 16, 1998 : Bad Luck, KROQ, Alex's dad Visits... |
Bad Luck
It's been a long-ass week here at Pulp Zero. Everyone's been sick and I've been throbing with head aches like a bitch! As promised, here is what happened to each of us on the 13th of Friday.
Alex- Wishing he had died in the early morning, Alex splooged (cumed) all over himself at school after wacking at 13:00 PM in the afternoon?!?.
Chris- A black cat crossed his path and he fucked it, he now has herpes.
Deez- Deez fell asleep on the bus and wound up in San Francisco where the gay people raped him after he broke a mirror with his ass.
Historian- He was not available at the time. He fell over a crack.
Dad- He attempted to walk over a ladder but instead he fell down and broke his back after opening a Playboy covered umbrella indoors.
And me, well I stayed home and looked at Dad's umbrella all day.
KROQ
Mike: These two men attempted to rape a five year old girl but accidentally missed and boinked each other. This picture was taken before the event. The lights went out afterwards.
If you live in Southern California and listen to 106.7 The World Famous KROQ, you know that all the KROQ Joq's (Including Adam and Dr.Drew from Loveline) were signing the 1999 KROQ Calendar at the Blockbuster Music in Huntington Beach. Deez and I had the oppurtunity to meet the band members of Zebreahead. I spoke with Adam and stood face-to-knee (not that shit you fucking perv!) with Dr.Drew and they signed my calendar. Deez will soon have scanned pics of all the bands in the calendar including KoRn, Smashing Pumpkins, Nirvana, and Bush. Catch Adam and Dr.Drew on Loveline on MTV Weeknights from 12:00 to 1:00 A.M.
Alex's dad Visits...
Today, Alex's dad made a visit to Marakataleia (a infamous strip-bar/family restaurant) and as you can see from this picture he was getting head and smoking a joint at the same time. Gee, Alex's dad is the greatest low-life in the world. Though I've never met his dad, he does look familiar.
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November 13, 1998 : NewsAskew, Friday the 13th, I Still Know... |
NewsAskew
Holy fucking shit! There, I said it. On NewsAskew, our website was mentioned. I am fucking exited as a bitch with a vibrator that someone recognized us. That kicks fucking ass. Here's what the newsbite said :
Finally today, a couple guys named Mike and Alex have stuck up a View Askew/Jay & Bob dedicated site chock, great
for newcomes to the Askewniverse but also cool to read for us veterans, too. Check it out HERE.
Hey, it was short but at least it was something.
Friday The 13th
If ya haven't checked a calander yet, take notice that today is Friday the 13th. For all of you small groups of Pulp Zero fans out there, tommorow we'll bring a report of what happens to us today on the day fo Friday the 13th. If we live.
I Still Know
I Still Know, the sequel to I Know What You Did Last Summer hit selected theaters today. To read Alex's fake-ass review on the film, be sure to check out The Film Review. I'm out.
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November 12, 1998 : Good News, Bad News, KoRn, and a Picture. |
This is Mike, giving you all the news circulating my crotch area.
Bad News
With Bad News first, we are sadly announcing the departure of Mr.Raugh, your 4:20 news reporter. Mr.Raugh was a hard-worknig bastard who's family life conflicted with his 'fun' at Pulp Zero. Mr.Raugh wil surely be missed.
Rick Steer, over stupidity and laziness, was fired from Pulp Zero yesterday. Steer's work at Pulp Zero was never released and his Crappy Music Update was never complete. Fuck Steer.
On that note, we're looking for new members to join the ranks of Pulp Zero. Let us know if you're interested.
Good News
With the loss of Mr.Raugh and Rick Steer, we're proud to present to you Deez who in return is Steer's replacement on The Crappy Music Update. Deez' crazy humour and fat-ass tactics are taking over the humour on the page. Deez will be giving you out reviews on the latest albums hitting stores, give you song interpretations, and perverted trivia.
On the other side of that, we're also proud to bring you KuntRag Chris who will also be in charge of the music department. Chris will get in-depth comical looks on single bands like KoRn, Nirvana, Circle Jerks, and more.
KoRn
 Recently, KoRn revealed that they have an upcoming concert for next year that will blow your mind off when you realize who the touring band will be. This is what David and Munky from KoRn revealed:
"Currently we're planning another US tour for March/April next year, and if it all works out, the band we're going out with is gonna surprise everyone. It's going to be a huge arena size show. The other acts' still a secret, but there's gonna be a lot of surprised people - that's all I can say right now!"
From the sound of things, the tours gonna rock. KoRn's next single will be "Freak on a Leash".
The Picture
While surfing on the web I confronted this picture. Could someone explain what this picture means? And if it's a new sport...
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November 8, 1998 : Redrum New Form... |
Ok, no biggie. I promise that this will be the first of three last Redrum reports. Have a great weekend.
Redrum Returns?
Redrum production may have been canceled for now but sources say that the the script is not dead. Mike, Alex, Rick, and the rest of the 'Redrum Cast' are re-uniting for one last shot at presenting their Redrum story. Here's Rick to give you the info. on the 4:20.
"Ok. Filming was canceled. Everything Redrum is dead. Thing is, the script isn't. We're all re-uniting to give you Pulp Zero fans a chance to really learn how to live the story. We've comed up with a clever plan...The Scipt (which will be available through Pulp Zero Merchandising), will have an audio companion. Think of it as a 'soundtrack'. On the audio, the whole script and characters will be voiced by all the cast members of the film in their respective roles. The narrator of the whole Redrum story will give very descriptive details of what the characters are doing. When someone gets stabbed you'll hear a stabbing sound in the background. Music will be played in the background, etc. It's going to be a very 'War of the Worlds' type thing. Like a radio broadcast so realistic that It'll kick fucking ass!."
It's a clever idea but if it'll work and sell...only time can tell. Just stay tuned 'till then. I'm going to go take a shit.
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November 5, 1998 : Redrum Canceled!!!... |
Pulp Zero List
All production on Redrum has been canceled. Mike, himself, decided to cancel the film and end it to it all. Here's my response to when I asked him 'Why?'
"It's just that I am too busy to be worring about a film right now. Other things got involved to make me take the decision of canceling the film. One, Bad acting. These people sucked at what they were doing and didn't take it seriously. Two, the production was bullshit. We had turned from a great motion picture reel camera to a fucking cam corder. The film looked like fucking crap! And three, I believe that within time, Pulp Zero can somehow raise the money for the film's cheap budget. Maybe, some day, the film will appear in a theater. Till then, it'll be available to read over the website and I'll figure out who is interest to buy the film."
Here's to hoping his dream comes true.
On other news look around the website for hidden words such as these. See, highlight shit like this and the messages will reveal hidden crap to win Pulp Zero prizes! Ok, that's all my news for today.
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November 3, 1998 : Pulp Zero Mailing List.... |
Pulp Zero List
Great fucking news. You guys want to interract with us? Well, click on the link above and join the Pulp Zero mailing list. This mailing list will constantly rotate with a new host every two weeks. The first host will be Mike, then Alex, then me, etc. Topics will range from Jay and Silent Bob, to Pulp Zero, to whatever the hell you feel like talking about. This makes me hornier than a rabid dog, whatever that means.f
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October 26, 1998 : November... #2... |
November
The end of Halloween and the first of the month. Starting tomorrow, our updates will live true to their names. Get your presedential knee pads also tomorrow but for $19.99 no tax included.
Please send us your EMAILS questions and letters. If this website doesn't attract at least 200 new signers by the end of this month, the site will be canceled and erased from all existence. Please tell others about it.
By the end of this month, Redrum will be wrapped, merchandises will be available through the site, and Alex will finally find the perfect inflateable doll...so until then I remain.
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October 26, 1998 : Announcement By Mike... #2... |
Tip Bits Off The Tip of My Dick
Mike: I am sorry to inform you that Mr. Raugh is not available today. He is out on a gang-fucking spree. Well, first things first. People are wild about the Redrum film. Period. No exclamation. Just a period. Those of you sending us rumors about the film switching into a zombie splasher film at the end, are defenitely fucking wrong...I think. If you're in the Orange County Area which we dubb SinnersBeach, we will be filming at the Orange Circle this Thursday from 4 till 9. On Friday you can see the cast at the Century Cinedome 11 for they will showing a special screening of the original Night of The Living Dead. Then finally, we'll also film a scene Saturday night at The Lab: Anti Mall in Costa Mesa. Be there and you'll get lucky.
The fun and the true purpose of Pulp Zero begins next week. Alex and I will return to page with parodies and shit of current news topics. Mr. Raugh will continue to be your bi-daily reporter as well as the pain in your anus that he is. So, if you haven't read all the past news reports below, I suggest you do. Cum Monday, all will be erased. Valla con Dios.
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THE 4:20 NEWS 
