-excerpted from Ripley's Book Of
Absolutely True, Totally Useless Facts
(Harper, Roe, Wade; 1984)
- Russell
Hoffmeier of
Nutbush,
Wisconsin,
suffered the
Biggest Acne Outburst In One Day: a whopping
sixty pimples and nineteen blackheads! These
blemishes appeared throughout a Saturday in 1963
after he ate nothing but chocolate and potato chips
and refused to wash, even after an afternoon of
olive oil wrestling!
- Leroy Mason of Ossining, New York became
the first Teenager To Admit He Never Masturbated! A close
inspection of Mason's palms, genitals, and secret magazine stack in
the woods revealed that the boy had no normal sexual interest
whatsoever! However, Mason later testified in court that he had
several intense orgasms after murdering most of the neighbors on his
block.
- Claire Chapman of Surrey, England holds the title for Teenager
Never Exposed To Drinking, Drugs, or Illicit Substances.
Wabash's formative years (1952-1959) were spent inside an 8' by 12'
black box designed by psychologist B.F. Skinner. While she had
many friends during this period, most were either imaginary or
shaped like dust bunnies. Though Wabash never turned to drugs or to
drink during her life, she did harbor an addiction to strong electrical
currents.
- Peter Weiner-Dickballs of Edmonton, Alberta,
is the Most Ridiculed Teen, with an incredible
23,789 recorded cases of mental and physical
abuse. Amazingly, none of these incidents had to
do with Weiner-Dickballs' unusual name, but
rather because he was a cripple!
- Susan B. McGinty of Belfast, Ireland, is far
and away the Teen With The Widest Ass. It
measured almost 6' in diameter in the summer of
1972. Despite what some would call a debilitating
handicap, McGinty proved very popular with the
boys and went on to pose for the Irish version of
Playboy magazine ("Father O'Malley's Catholic Follies").
- Luigi Pantolillio of Naples, Italy, is the amazing Teen To Never
Be Refused For A Date. Pantolillio, an exceptionally handsome
young man during his peak years (1878-1880) asked out one hundred
eleven women, and all said yes almost immediately! But even with
these romantic successes, Pantolillio was terribly insecure. He only
found true carnal happiness later in life, with a long black leather belt
named "Susan". He was survived by 436 children, none of whom he
had ever met.
- Heidi Olafson of Holland, Amsterdam, won fame as the Least
Rebellious Teenager In History. During her teen years
(1922-1929), she was kind to her siblings, listened to teachers and
parents, and never lied to anyone. Olafson rarely spoke, which
unfortunately led to her parents mistaking her for a bookcase
(1927-1928). She went on to live a long and healthy life, even
burning her bra as a senior citizen during the turbulent 1960s! It was
later discovered, however, to be the result of a gas fire and not a
political act.
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