Has it been that long?
I guess there's nothing exciting to write about these days, ever since I quit my job and moved to Los Angeles, CA. I used to write about work, but now that I'm unemployed I'd probably be writing only about chain smoking, playing video games, and reading borrowed books. All my stuff is in storage, and I do pull ups everyday. I imagine myself as Robert Deniro in Cape Fear without the tatoos.

Skinhead Dream



I was sitting in some remotely familiar living room with my mom and sister. We were expecting a gardner or worker to come to the house. My mom had just hung up the phone with my dad and looking rather worried she said that the gardner was a "nazi." The curtains were drawn and we could see the stranger's silhoette wandering around. My mom finally let him in. He was fat, curly hair looking kid with a flannel. We complimented a German cross pin I wore on my sweater and I thanked him. We began to talk about his beliefs, and while my sister grew feriously angry, I was calm and patient. As we talked, the nazi gardner morphed into one of my half chinese half cauasian cousins, Jason. While he was washing dishes, my questions about his chinese mother, who died (in real life) of bone marrow cancer, and his chinese wife who in the dream divorced him, he began to weep. His bitterness and hatred began to make sense and I awoke.

Dream
I finally had a dream last night. It's been a while.

Conan O'brien had just opened a Sharkworld. I was sitting in the audience that had a clear glass tube on the ceiling. Everytime he introduced a type of shark, there would be a musical introduction followed by an amplified "thrashing noise." The sharks I remember being seen were Thresher sharks and Killer whales. He mentioned that killer whales were very smart and that the handlers had to change something every so often so that they wouldn't figure out how to escape. At the end of the introduction, the lights came on and we were all standing on a ledge. There was green water separating us from the park, and Conan O'brien invited us to jump in... a type of dare. It was sort of an illusion that sharks were in there, but the water was murky and green. Some black dude jumped in and jumped out to the entrance. More and more people started to do it as well. Finally, I believe I was the last one, I jumped and made it to the entrance as well. [Alarm buzzes].

Awkward Work Party
This is my ode to the super awkward work party! 7 people sitting around a little conference table. Everyone at my work started talking about rockclimbing, parachuting, and stocks.. subjects of which I least like to talk about. Helicopter this, rock climbing that... kill me now. We then did the token "gift exchange," where we open our presents and then guess who got it for us. Not only do I dislike being the spotlight of attention, but having to guess who got me this "Swiss Army Knife." Yeah, I got a Swiss Army Knife, which my boss got for me. I wonder if she thought I was an exboy scout or something. Actually, I was a Cub Scout briefly until I got kicked out for "forging" my handbook. whatever. Now that I've got this Swiss Army knife I can feel like a true camper/boy scout. Okay, I'm rambling again.

Conversations with Mother
My mother called me the other day to wish me a happy Thanksgiving. As it were the topic of how we spent our past Thanksgivings came up. Oh yes, there was the Thanksgiving 2 years ago I spent at my mother's friend's house, a rich family whose son and daughter went to my high school. While I didn't really know Lambert, yes that's his name, he made quite a reputation for himself in middle school by moonwalking his way into people's hearts. He was always into karate, bodybuilding, dancing, and Michael Jackson. We had little in common, except the bodybuilding. If you don't understand that joke, then stop reading. Back to my conversation with my mother. Here's how it went:

Mom: That reminds me. You should give Lambert a call.
Me: Why? I hardly know him.
Mom: Because ... he's retarded.
Me: (Laughing) He's not retarded.
Mom: No, he is ... he's got a learning disability.
Me: Mom, just because he's got a learning disability doesn't make him retarded. What learning disability does he have then?
Mom: (pause) He just doesn't get it.
Me: (Laughing) Okay, okay I'll call him.
Mom: It's not funny.

Wow, I guess I have a lot of retarded friends I need to start calling. You better watch out.

Thanksgiving Layoffs
Well I know it has been a long time since I have made an entry in this blog. That's because I've been updating my myspace.com blog. Sorry, sorry. Today, they laid off the typist at work. Apparently, she has been telling too much information about herself to the management, causing them to doubt her mental stability. First of all, she complained about taking her anti-depressant with her nitrous. Then, she filed for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy. And finally, she divulged the color of her diarrhea to all the employees over speaker phone. All this compounded with the lack of work is the cause of her lay off. The whole thing was unfortunate and sad. They had a private meeting with her and then stood over her desk while she packed up. I believe this is to deter her from stealing or going ballistic. Strangely enough, the office manager told me this privileged information the day before, but told me to act surprised and not to tell anyone about our clandestine meeting. All morning I pretended and handed her work as if she was to return on Monday, knowing that she was going to get the fuckin' axe. It sucked. Dramatic irony of sorts.

and Stuff
This week is passing by like the bubonic plague. Last night, I went to my old friend's BFA show at San Jose State. He had some photos put up with masking tape frames, which a twitchy someone said, "I like your frames, at least they are affordable." Later, my roommate and I dropped off his girlfriend's broken tv at San Jose City College, where my other roommate has an electronics course and is going to work on it. I started reading A Fan's Notes by Exley until I couldn't stay awake any longer. Later that night, I had a dream I was a camouflaging dragon man of some sort that my father was chasing around. He was afraid I was going to hurt his kid, but I was actually trying to help him. Anyway, I hid underneath this drawer and he obviously found me. We struggled and fought. I hit him in the stomach and monkey tossed him. Then, due to my dragon abilities I jumped over something. Anyhow, he tried to also and landed on some carpet. His leg was broken and he was screaming. I quickly jumped down and was cradling him crying. Then I woke up around 3:23 am. I finally fell asleep later around 5 am.

Lunch Break
I've been using my lunch break to take photos for my Saturday class. I set up my tripod and stuff and snap off a few before my 1/2 hour is up. Yesterday was sunny. Today is cloudy. Work is lousy.

Life
Here's is your life.

You wake up at 7:10 am M thru F. You hop in the shower and when you're done, you walk over to the kitchen in your short to boil some water. You head back into the bathroom and wash your face and then shave. You get out. Go to your room. It's 7:25. You put on your clothes that you've already picked out the night before. By the time you are done dressing, your water is boiling. You go to the kitchen and take out the French Press and make yourself a cup of coffee, black. You head back to your room. It's 7:45. You check out some of your favorite website stuff and wait til it's 7:55. You go to the kitchen and grab your lunch, which you put in a plastic Safeway bag, and get in the car. You start your car and get your CD player ready. You get out of your car to wipe off Sex Me which was fingered in dust on your rear view mirror. You pull out and head for work. It takes you 30 minutes and you sit in traffic in the same places. You even notice the same cars on the expressway, the lady who always comes her hair and puts on makeup while tailgating the car in front. When you get to your work, you see that stupid yellow sport car behind you. You smile because you always beat them to work, even though you don't know who they are. You work for 8hrs and sometimes 9 without overtime pay and a 10 minute lunch. You can't sit down for 30 minutes. You leave work and get home 1/2 later. When you are at home, you try to watch tv and read. You make some microwavable dinner and then take a shit. You have a beer and call it a night. You go to sleep early, but wake up in the middle of the night with back pain. You have to sleep on the floor. You wake up and it starts all over again. This is your life. No, wait ... this is mine.

Chinese
I get depressed that I can't read, write, or speak Chinese very well. I'm trying to read my old exercise books and practice, but it sad how much I don't remember. I don't even know a Chinese speaking person my own age! While it doesn't seem like a big deal to English speakers, for me it does feel strange, even though I've studied and spoken English now a majority of my life. Often times, I overhear people speaking in Chinese - words and phrases ebbing in and out of my comprehension - and long to speak to them in a language that actually feels closer to me than English. I'm not sure if that even makes sense, but if I hear my mom tell me something in Chinese it'll make me laugh and tremble inside in a way that is different if it was told to me in English. When I do encounter other Chinese people or situations in which I could speak to other Chinese people, I shy away and excuse myself because my Chinese is so bad, but inside I'm dying to speak to them as long as they don't laugh. It's an embarassing experience - forgetting words and not knowing how your accent sounds. Do I sound so idiotic? Or is my Chinese the same as when I was a child?