Friends are suppose to be forever right? Well not in this weeks advice! Two Gen ‘Xers find themselves in friendship limbo and Mike and Veronica offers them each sound advice on how to recover and move on.
Do you need some advice? Think that Veronica and Mike could help you see both sides of
your situation? If so, you may send Veronica and Mike an email here.
I think I'm too newly married to have a definitive answer for you, but I've definitely observed cases where people lose contact with their friends once the relationships pick up. It's not exclusive to married people or to people in serious relationships, but when it does happen, it can be downright depressing.
I think some people and couples definitely look to isolate when they get serious. We've all known people who made us feel as if they couldn't wait to meet their mate because it meant they'd never have to talk to us again. Personally, I think that's pretty unhealthy, and that it reveals a certain lack of self-worth that is getting validated by this relationship, and so people want to put all their energy into it. In some cases, I guess, it could really be that the value of the relationship outweighs the friendships to these people, but it's hard to know because they become so isolated.
I think the healthiest couples are those that still look to get together with their friends, when they first get married and well after that. Friends play such an important role in our lives, and I think that those people that give them up are making a big sacrifice. Sometimes it's simply that time becomes a lot scarcer – your family commitments might be doubled, your responsibilities are increased, and we all just seem to have less time available as we get older. So it takes a real effort as we get older, but it's one that's well worth making.
As life changes other challenges present themselves and our focus and/or direction takes a complete turn down another road. We relocate. We take jobs. We hang out with other couples. These aren't good reasons to completely lose touch with friends or outgrown them, but somehow the competition for our time becomes much stiffer. Finally, I think only a very small group of people are really good at or willing to do what it takes to keep in touch, despite having more ways than ever to communicate with each other.
My advice, is to let your friends know how much they mean to you, and that it's important that you can keep in touch with each other. The reality is that you might have to modify your expectations - whereas you used to talk to your friends daily, you might have to settle for more like once a month. If your expectations are higher than those of your friends, you might be setting yourself up for some disappointment. We all grow up and grow older in different ways, and while I'm with you as far as keeping in touch, some friends are better at it than others. With some of my friends, I don't expect to hear from them much, but instead I focus on chances we can talk together (i.e., via some group emails) or get together for a weekend, etc. You might find that you have to work harder to keep in touch, but perhaps you're the glue that can keep some of your friends together.
Veronica Says...
Dear Shivering:
Sincerely,
Mike
