A reader's boyfriend is looking for love in all the wrong places, including her closets. Mike advises her to do some straightening up - of her boyfriend - or to consider cleaning house. While Veronica examines " is reading your partner's email acceptable" concerning this same reader. Also, when someone in a relationship asks for romance, what should you do? Can Veronica and Mike help a reader whose wife has challenged him to understand what romance is all about? Can they help the reader to re-discover his inner-Romeo before Juliet has to spell it out for him?
Do you need some advice? Think that Veronica and Mike could help you see both sides of
your situation? If so, you may send Veronica and Mike an email here.
Your wife is lucky to have a partner who is considerate and thoughtful enough to ask for assistance in fulfilling her needs. I think that if you take that level of attentiveness and translate it into action, you will be able to make her and yourself very happy. I must add, shame on her for giving you that "If you don't know what it is, I won't tell you" line. When women do that, it shows that they are putting you through some sort of emotional test, which is never warranted.
The dictionary definitions of romance included acting in a loving manner and wooing a mate. How general can you get? At its core romance is really just paying attention to what your partner wants and needs every day, not just on special days. When a woman asks for romance, she is really asking for more consistent attention from you. As a woman, I feel that romance is responding and stimulating all the senses of your partner in pleasing ways without expecting some sort of payback, that you do these wonderful things because you love her and want her to be happy.
Women in general are more sensual and subtle creatures. We respond better to coaxing rather than shouting, gentility rather than force. This doesn't mean we are all mushpots, but it does mean that we enjoy finesse. Romance is the ability to offer your woman different experiences without her asking for them and without clobbering her over the head with all of them at once.
Physical romance includes gifts and bodily affection. This sort of romance isn't just the traditional red roses, bubble baths, and chocolate that the media fixates on. What you do depends on what your wife enjoys. Does she collect painted bottles? Occasionally surprise her with one. Does she adore orchids? Send her some on random days of the week. You could make a ritual of a small but significant gift every Wednesday night, for example. It doesn't have to be extravagant or flashy; you just have to show that you thought of her specifically when you bought it. Take her for dinner or cook for her unexpectedly. Arrange to go dancing or on a short cruise; whatever you know she likes. When you are making love, try new techniques. Spend a whole hour very slowly arousing her and listening/feeling her responses. Again, it doesn't have to be spectacular, but it should be intimate.
Emotional romance is the "I love you" stuff. Telling her you love her is one thing, but showing it every day is another. Try commenting on the care she takes when she dresses for work. Notice when she has had a hard day and offer to take some of the chores. Be specific when you tell her that she makes you happy. If every day you can make her aware of how special she is and how much you love her, either by actions or by words, you have achieved romance.
Mike Says... ~~~~~
Dear Clueless,
Sincerely,
Veronica
Veronica Gross is a 23 year old graduate student, pursing a degree in Neuroscience. Her many loves include playing oboe, crocheting, writing fiction, and telling people exactly what they should do to be happy with their lives.
