A reader's boyfriend is looking for love in all the wrong places, including her closets. Mike advises her to do some straightening up - of her boyfriend - or to consider cleaning house. While Veronica examines " is reading your partner's email acceptable" concerning this same reader. Also, when someone in a relationship asks for romance, what should you do? Can Veronica and Mike help a reader whose wife has challenged him to understand what romance is all about? Can they help the reader to re-discover his inner-Romeo before Juliet has to spell it out for him?
Do you need some advice? Think that Veronica and Mike could help you see both sides of
your situation? If so, you may send Veronica and Mike an email here. I wish you had told me how long this guy has been your boyfriend, or how strongly you feel about him, because, frankly, his behavior bothers me, and I'd like to put it in some context. If this is a longstanding relationship with long-term potential, then I'll advise you to consider if some things might be worked out. If this is a relatively new boyfriend intent on violating your privacy, then my advice is simple: send Snoop Dog back out into the neighborhood.
I don't feel that on any level his poking around your closets and house is ok. Your email account? That's just plain wrong. Furthermore, his guilty-until-proven innocent attitude demonstrates a distrust and accusatory stance that can't be good for your relationship. As far as the keys to your house, that should be a mutual decision that occurs if and when you both think the time is right. The fact that he requested it of you (and you're uncomfortable with it) gives me further distrust of his motives. You're right to find his behavior troubling, because it is.
So I have to ask, is there any reason that he's so suspicious? Have you given him any reason not to trust you? Has he told you why he feels the need to snoop around? If you are guilty of nothing more than receiving mail with your married name on it, then he's way out of bounds, and I think you'd do best to cut ties with him. If he can't be trusted, then there's no solid foundation to your relationship, even if you've got a history with each other. The trust that any relationship needs to work seems to be missing here in a very basic way. His insecurity, jealousy and distrust are serious personal issues and you're better off not being with this man while he works those out. In fact, losing a relationship with you might be good for him, in that it might force him to deal with these behaviors.
If the relationship is more serious, though, and his behavior is sudden, you may have some issues to talk through. Perhaps as the relationship has gone on, he has become more insecure as he feels his vulnerability increase. Or perhaps you've inadvertently done something that's caused him to think something's going on. I still don't think what he's doing o.k., but if this isn't the kind of behavior you have come to expect out of him, then maybe you need to talk and see what's going on here. All couples face trust issues at some point, and it could be that an extended conversation with everything out on the table – and new behavior agreements - is what you need. If he maintains that he has a right to search through your stuff and only a guilty person has something to hide, let him know you've made an interesting discovery yourself: he's not someone worth spending any more time with.
Veronica Says...
Dear Noseying Around:
Sincerely,
Mike
