Dear Independent Lady,

In the most progressive social movement our generation has witnessed, women have gained the freedom and encouragement (and have utilized it) to pursue opportunities formerly only part of a man's world. We men, however, haven't received much instruction on how to deal with changes to the social dynamic that has existed since we left the caves (for those of us who have left the caves).

I think your fiancé's stance reflects this lack of adaptation, but I'm sure he's no cave dweller. Some women might paint him as an unenlightened oppressor straight out of Archie Bunker, but I don't think your fiancé is necessarily a bad guy. I know guys just like him, who want to provide for the family and have a wife that can care for children. Underneath that very traditionalist view is, I think, an important statement; a valuing of the role of an at-home mother in the family structure. As guys, we're taught to be providers, and having a wife at home caring for our family while we win the bread is how we're told things should be. Being a stay-at-home mom is also coming back into vogue, as a lot of couples have realized their kids are being raised by strangers. However, there's still a lot of role ambiguity when careers are in question.

I think your letter reflects some of the gender role ambiguity, as well. You've made clear the importance you place on independence, pulling your own weight and financial self-reliance. You've also added that you like the idea of making your mark in the business world. In short, you seem very driven, with a work ethic to be proud of. On the other hand, you wonder if you should consider his "offer" and settle for a different environment. Start a family? Volunteer work? Your description of these alternative seems uninspired, and tells me you're struggling to understand how this arrangement might work for you, if at all.

Staying at home and out of the office doesn't sound like what you want. Rather, it sounds like you're mulling over an offer that you're getting the hard sell on. You're at a critical juncture in this relationship, and the worst thing could be for either of you to make big compromises you'll regret. Does a relationship need compromises? Of course. However, wanting to work and pull your own weight is part of who you are, and leaving what you love because someone else asked you to is no small favor. Having someone change who you are and muzzle your ambitions can be a recipe for a bitter spouse. It's great that your collective financial situation allows you freedom to choose, but all the money in the world won't make you happy if it's not what you want. Stand your ground and make sure he wants to marry who you are, not who he wants you to be. That won't be easy while you're planning a wedding, but it's an environment he should get used to.

Good Luck,

Mike

Veronica Says...

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