Dear Independent Lady,

Whether or not you decide to accept your fiancé's proposal depends on how he asked you. If he said that you must quit your job once you are married, dump him. If this man will absolutely not let you work, he will most likely try to limit other aspects of your life in the future. His refusal to let you work could be the beginning of an emotionally abusive marriage, since one of the hallmarks of an abusive relationship is control.

On the other hand, if your fiancé merely requested or suggested that you leave your job once you two have married, you should first try to discern his motives. It sounds like your fiancé doesn't know you very well, especially if you truly love your job. His asking you to stop doing something you enjoy may signal that he doesn't love or respect the things that make you happy, which may be a warning sign for later problems. Does he honestly believe that having a career is so odious that he wants to save you the trouble? Does he want to control your source of income and activities so you will be dependant on him? Does he want you to quit your job so that you can raise a family in the traditional manner?

Your background suggests that your ability to fend for yourself is paramount. Getting married and quitting your job does not negate your capacity to handle your own finances or a crisis situation. If you were to leave your job, you and your husband should have a joint bank account so that you won't have to ask him for a stipend or allowance. All large purchases, such as a house, should be made in both of your names. You could also maintain your own, separate, savings, investments, property, etc. so that if you needed to administer a crisis, you wouldn't have to depend on his monetary whims.

I sense that you probably have some trust issues. You feel uncomfortable being financially, and probably emotionally, beholden to anyone else. Your job makes you feel secure and confident, but it could also be a barrier keeping you from fully opening yourself to your fiancé. You do not need to be strong and independent all the time.

What it boils down to is your happiness. Would you be happy staying at home as a full time mother or volunteering? If you can see yourself being content in that situation, by all means accept his proposal, alerting him to the possibility of your working again some day. If you would go insane without getting a steady paycheck, try convincing him that work is an integral part of who you are. If he can accept a working wife, go for it; if he can't, he isn't worth your time.

Good Luck,

Veronica

Mike Says...

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