Dear We Want,

Whenever someone tries to pin behavior problems on hyperactivity disorder, it makes me want to throw out my neuroscience degree. ADHD is a cluster of discrete biological and behavioral syndromes, not a catchall for societal frowned-upon actions. A child doesn't "develop" ADHD. She either has it or does not. I am also not in favor of medicating someone into submission like you tried to; that is lazy parenting and creates a drug addict instead of a healthy child.

Your pediatrician is probably correct. This is most likely the normal rebellious attitude of a preteen, albeit a young one. The problems you have with her sleep habits are especially telling. An adolescent trying to sleep at 9:00 P.M. and wake at 6AM would be like your sleeping from 7PM to 4AM. Sleep researchers know that the hours US high schools insist upon are biologically unnatural for teenagers and preteens.

The bad news is that this could last for as long she lives with you. The good news is you may avoid common problems depending on your attitude. She is still your child, but if you choose to disregard her opinion, she will balk and make everyone's life miserable. You said that you've "calmly talked to her." I bet that you sat her down and gave her a lecture, as opposed to letting her express her feelings as well. The best advice I can give you is listen and compromise. Ask her what she thinks and wants, then work with that within your own boundaries. Allow her to go to sleep and wake up a little later. Pick your battles. And as hard as it may be, let her suffer the consequences of her actions.

In extreme cases, your daughter's behavior might be indications of physical or sexual abuse, a bullying student, or drug use. Has she become unsettling secretive about her body? Is school source of terror? Does she write things that are disturbing? Talk discretely to her teachers if you want. Indicate that you are open to discussion and that you do not make judgments that you love her no matter what, and stick to it. Do not search her room or read her diary; that shows you do not respect her privacy and it encourages her to hide even innocuous events.

This is a period of time where your family must learn a new method of interaction. If you treat her with respect and love, you will have an easier time and, usually, a healthy teenager. If you insist on "gaining control," you may succeed in getting that control at the price of a good future relationship. I have always appreciated my parents for letting me choose, even if they didn't like my choice. However, I will never forget that they searched my room and to this day, I do not trust them. In my case, alas, it wasn't youthful rebellion or drug use that caused my behavior. It was clinical depression.

Sincerely,

Veronica

Mike Says...

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