Chapter LXI

“Wasn’t my fault the power went out,” he defended and crossed his arms over his chest.

“And whose bright idea was it to play video games during a thunderstorm?” Brian asked. Nick offered a look of death and Brian backed off.

“Wasn’t the only thing Nicky was doing,” AJ giggled.

“Oh, I know,” Mary grinned. When the computer had finally loaded, the last web site Nick had visited was displayed on the screen. “Didn’t Alex show you better porn sites, Blondie? I mean, they can be so much better,” she shook her head and giggled.

Nick turned bright red. “I’m going to take a shower.” He stalked up the stairs.

Mary and AJ looked at one another and then to Nick. “Make sure it’s cold!” they called and giggled.

Howie yawned and walked up behind Mary. He wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on the top of her head. “Ready to go home?”

“Doesn’t look like you’ll be getting out of here tonight,” Kevin announced. “Not unless you want to catch pneumonia. It’s pouring.”

“Yeah, why don’t y’all stay here?” Brian offered. Mary and Howie agreed and headed off to bed, followed close behind by AJ, Brian, Jade, and Kevin.

...

It was three in the morning and Mary hadn’t fallen asleep yet. Howie was sleeping soundly, softly snoring every now and then. “Lucky snot,” she silently grumbled. Slipping out of bed, she tiptoed downstairs and turned on the computer. She logged onto her old web site. “Damn, this is old...” Yawning, she opened up the HTML editor and set to work. “HTML never changes...” By dawn, the page was completely redone.

At eight, Kevin woke the Boys for rehearsals. The group stumbled downstairs. “Hey, I’m going to check my mail,” Nick yawned as he walked into the den where the computer was located. He saw Mary and started to laugh. Howie arrived first.

“Hey Nick, you seen Mar...” he cut himself off by laughing. The computer’s screen saver was on and Mary was asleep with her forehead almost on the keyboard. Her fingers were still poised to type and her knee rested against the desk. The rest of the Boys and Jade soon trotted in and all laughed. Finally Mary stirred from her slumber. She rubbed her eyes and watched the screen saver.

“Damn it, I said upload,” she mumbled and jiggled the mouse. The group laughed again. Mary whipped around to see the group staring at her and laughing. “What time is it?”

“Mare,” Howie managed to laugh, “how long have you been down here?”

“I couldn’t fall asleep... Been down here since three...”

Howie looked at the group with him. They understood and returned to the kitchen for breakfast. “Why couldn’t you sleep?” he asked, walking over to her. She shrugged. “What were you working on?”

“My old web page. It blew a goat.” She yawned again. When she was sleepy, Howie noticed that Mary slipped into the mindset of Tainted Love touring Mary.

Howie looked up at the screen. “Diva Spice?”

“Kool beans, yo.”

“How many folks drop by your page?”

“Not many know about it. Some drop by,” she shrugged.

“Teach me and the Boys how to do that sometime?”

“How to do what? HTML?” Howie nodded and smiled.

“If that’s what it’s called.”

“Nuh uh, no way, Howard,” she shook her head. “I had enough trouble teaching myself. You want a web page, I’ll make it for you. I don’t teach.” Howie gave her a pleading puppy dog look. “All right, Howard, I’ll teach you, but the rest of them will have to learn on their own.”

...

Howie had his site up first, being that Mary set it up for him and that she didn’t work any longer. “Gives me something to do,” she shrugged and kept working.

“Want something to drink at least?” Howie asked her since she didn’t want to eat.

“Hot cup of tea?” She turned away from the monitor and realized that this was the first time she had really looked at her husband in days. She had been so wrapped up in HTML for herself and Howie, and Howie was in the studio all day. She nearly gasped at the sight of him.

“What? Something wrong?” He looked himself over and raised his eyebrow in confusion.

She stood and slowly walked towards him. Wrapping her arms around his neck she, “you are the most beautiful man I have ever seen, Howard.” She kissed him softly. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Now he was really confused.

“For loving me. I know it’s not easy to do.”

“I wouldn’t rather be doing anything else.”

Chapter LXII

“Sure, what time?”

“Half hour? I get off of work then and will be right home. Let yourself in.”

“Sounds good, Sam,” she smiled. “I’ll see you then.”

...

“I hope ya don’t mind that a guy from work is comin over for lunch, Mare. Sorry I forgot to tell ya.”

“It’s no problem, Sam. Relax,” she smiled and hoisted herself onto the countertop.

There was a knock at the door and Sam answered it. “Hey Jake, come on in.” The men walked into the kitchen and Mary hopped off the counter. “Mary, this is Jake. Jake, my sister, Mary.”

“You look really familiar...” Mary murmured and shook Jake’s hand. “Did you used to know Chas?”

“That’s where I remember you from,” Jake smiled. “My God, Mary, you’ve only gotten more beautiful since I saw you last.”

“Chas’s funeral... My God, give me a hug,” she smiled and walked towards Jake. The two hugged and the three continued on with their lunch. As it turned out, contrary to what Sam believed, Mary and Jake had been very close when Chas was still alive. She was closer to Jake than she was Josh. “So what are you doing in horticulture, Jake? I thought you liked... like, technical stuff. Electronics?”

“I do, but I need a job to pay the rent until I can find a steady job. I’ve applied for jobs with bands around here but either they’re not on tour now or they don’t need more people.”

“Like what bands?”

“You’ll laugh, but I was hoping to get hired by Backstreet Boys’ management.” Mary giggled. “Told ya,” Jake shook his head.

“It’s not that,” she giggled again.

“Yeah, Mary’s married to a Backstreet Boy,” Sam continued.

“Now that’s something I didn’t expect,” Jake shook his head again. “I could have sworn that once you got away from Thom that you’d end up marrying Josh.”

“Josh has changed,” Mary sighed. “Changed bad...”

“And what happened with Thom?”

“Hung himself in his jail cell. He killed Victoria.”

“I heard about that. Just as long as he didn’t hurt you. Then I would have killed him.”

Mary sighed and looked at the clock on the wall. “Well, I have to run. Howard and the Boys will be home for lunch at our place today. I’ll put in a good word for ya, Jake.”

...

“So how was lunch with your brother today?” Howie asked and hugged Mary closer to him. He built a fire in the fireplace and laid pillows on the floor for them to lay on.

“Good,” Mary smiled. “One of his friends from work had lunch with us. Turns out I used to know him back when Chas was alive. By the way, are there any openings for technical folks on the next tour?”

“Not for you, you’re our medic. And by then, maybe you’ll be a Mommy.”

“Not for me, Howard, for Jake. He may be older than me, but I still watch out for him sometimes.”

“I’ll see what I can do. I’ll put in a good word for him.”

...

Mary went for lunch at Sam’s daily. Jake joined them most days. “Mare, I’m worried about Josh.”

Mary cringed. “Why?” She almost regretted asking that question.

“He comes in late a lot, usually drunk. He’s being real secretive, too. And there’s been money missing from my wallet on some days.”

She turned to Jake, knowing he hung out with Josh on numerous occasions. “You know anything?”

“Nothing,” he shrugged. “I haven’t talked to him in a few days.”

The phone rang and Sam jumped to answer it. “Hello?” He paused. “Yeah, hang on. Mare, it’s for you,” he said as he tossed the phone in her direction. “It’s Howard.”

“Hey sweetie,” she smiled.

“Hey doll face. I have good news for ya to pass on.”

“Really? What?”

“I’ve been talking to management about Jake.”

“And...?”

“And they want him in here at five tonight.”

“Oh my God,” she squealed. “Hang on, let me tell him,” she giggled and covered the mouthpiece. “Jake, ya have an interview tonight, five o’clock.”

“Oh shit, I have to get ready...” he mumbled and walked towards the door. “Sam, tell them I’m taking the afternoon off. Something about bad food or something.”

“Be back here at 4:30 Jake, I’ll help ya.”

“Will do, see ya then,” he rushed out the door.

“He’ll be there, Howard.”

“Good, good. Can’t wait to meet him.”

“You’ll be there?”

“Yeah, working though. Stop in by me?”

“Of course, Howard.”

...

“Jake, calm down, you’ll do fine,” Mary coaxed. The two were waiting in the office of the tour manager.

Suddenly, the door opened. “Mary, nice to see you,” the man smiled. Mary stood and shook his hand.

“You too, Sir.”

“And you must be Jake. I’m Ed Swanson, Backstreet Boys Tour Manager. Nice to meet you,” he paused and shook Jake’s hand.

“You too, Sir, it’s an honor.”

The man smiled and walked around his desk and sat down. Mary and Jake also sat, facing him. “I’m sure Mary has told you about what your job would be since she did most of it on our last tour.”

“Yes, Sir, she has and let me say that what I would be doing is almost exactly what I trained for in college.”

...

A half hour later, Jake and Mary emerged from the office and set off to find the Boys’ studio. She knocked on the door and walked into the room. “Hey Boys,” she smiled.

“Hey doll face,” Howie smiled and kissed her gently. “Oh, right, you must be Jake,” he paused and extended his hand. “I’m Howie, Mary’s husband.”

“I’ve heard a lot about you. You’re a lucky man,” Jake smiled.

“You’re getting the Brown Nose Award today Jake,” Mary snickered and stuck out her tongue at him. “Oh yeah, Jake, this is AJ, Kevin, Brian, and Nick,” she introduced, pointing to each of the Boys. “Guys, this is one of my oldest and best friends, Jake.”

“So how’d the interview go?” Howie asked, genuinely interested.

Mary smiled at Jake and turned to Howie. “I have a new trainee,” she smiled proudly.

The Boys congratulated him and AJ stepped forward. “Jake, this is your mission, should you choose to accept it. The tour departs in one week, first stop is Tallahassee. This leg of the tour will last two months. Fortunately, we got a six month break, but you have to start fresh. Fortunately, it’s only three months if you do hate the mission. You shall do everything Mary tells you to do under penalty of her death stare. She is also our medic but will be a good trainer for the jobs you will do.”

Jake laughed. “I accept.”

Chapter LXIII

The walkie-talkie buzzed with people relaying commands or questions. “Hey Mike, did you see Mary this morning? She was supposed to be here a few hours ago with a new trainee.”

“Nope John, didn’t see her. Bone said something about her not feeling well.”

“Okay, let me know when ya see her. Gotta start working with this new guy.”

“What’s his name?”

“Jake, I think. He’s some friend of hers. I guess they’re pretty close. Swanson said he went to school for the electrical stuff and looked to be pretty good.”

“How could Swanson tell?”

“He helped wire his house, I guess. Said he looked familiar. Ah well, I gotta get back to work. Let me know when she shows up.”

Mary giggled and pushed a button. “10-4 Rubber Ducky, the Diva has landed.”

“Well good morning, Mary,” Mike called.

“Thanks thanks. Listen, I got Jake here and he’s ready to work. Where are we needed?”

“Stage,” John answered.

“10-4, we’re on our way.”

...

Hours later, Mary and Jake went on break. “I’m going to run to the bathroom,” Jake said and walked back to the bus.

Mary nodded and picked up her phone. After dialing a few numbers, the other line rang and someone answered. “Hey Sam, just wanted to check in,” she smiled.

“Mary I hear from you more when you’re on the road than when you’re a mile away,” Sam smiled.

“Kool beans, Sam. Just wanted to let ya know we got here and that Jake’s surviving his first day on the job.”

“Sounds good. Listen, I gotta get back to work. I’ll be home in a few hours. Give me a call back?”

“Will do, Sam. Love ya.”

“Love ya too.”

Mary shut off the phone and turned to see Jake walking towards her. Suddenly, a call came over the walkie-talkie. “Mike to Diva, Mike to Diva. Emergency!”

“Yeah Mike?”

“AJ was practicing on stage and he pulled something again.”

“I’ll be right there,” Mary grumbled and began to walk. Jake followed close behind in case he was needed somewhere.

...

An hour before the show, a call came over the walkie-talkie. “Mary, ya have a phone call.”

“Can ya patch it through? Alex is being really annoying about this pulled muscle and I have to work on him.”

“Sure thing.”

A moment later, Sam’s voice was heard over the small radio. “Mary?”

“Yeah Sam, I’m here. What’s up?”

“Mary, something’s happened with Josh...”

“Josh? Sam, what happened? What’s all that noise?”

“Listen Mare, ya gotta come home. Josh OD’d while I was at work. We’re at Orlando General in the ICU. He’s not looking too good, Mare...”

“Shit,” she muttered. “Alex, bandage your own muscle. Jake, you’re coming with me.” She stood and ran to the door, pulling Jake behind her with one hand, and with the other, talking into the radio. “Family emergency. If anyone has a car they wouldn’t mind losing for a few days, I’d really appreciate it.”

“Take mine, Mary. Keys are on the bus,” Mike responded.

“Thanks Mike. Jake’s coming with me. This is the Diva, out.” She tossed the radio on the bus and took the keys. Finding Mike’s Jeep, she climbed in with Jake and the two sped off for Orlando.

...

In the car, Mary fished around, looking for Mike’s cigarettes. “I haven’t smoked in two years and now I’m so worried that I’m starting again...” she muttered after seeing Jake’s confused expression. “Shit, I forgot to tell Howard. Could ya hand me my phone?” Jake did so and Mary dialed Howie’s cell phone.

“D here,” he smiled.

“Howard? Howard, Josh OD’d and I have to go home... I’m so sorry I left you like that.”

“What? He OD’d? Oh God... Is Jake with you?”

“Yeah, he’s coming with me.”

“Just... Just be careful, okay? I want to know how he’s doing, too. Once ya find anything out, call me?”

“Howard, you have a show tonight.”

“This is important, they can call me offstage for a few minutes.”

“Okay, Howard. I love you.”

“Love you too, Mary.”

...

The ride back to Orlando was long, quiet, and tiresome. Mary and Jake arrived in the hospital parking lot about 8:00 that night and immediately set off towards the elevators and up to the sixth floor, holding onto one another’s hands the entire time. Outside the closed doors for the ICU, visitors were instructed to dial a number on the phone on the wall for clearance. Mary picked up the receiver and dialed the number. “ICU, this is Mandy, how may I help you?”

“Hi, could we come in and see Joshua Briar?”

“How many, please?”

“There’s two of us.”

“Hang on.” The line was muted. “What relation are the two of you to Mr. Briar?”

“I’m, uhm, his sister, and his brother’s here too.”

“All right, you can come in.”

“Sister and brother?” Jake asked curiously and wrapped his arm around Mary’s waist.

“They wouldn’t have let us in otherwise,” she whispered. “We’re the only family he’s got anyways.” They walked into the ICU and looked for Josh’s room. When they found it, they slipped in slowly. “Josh...” Josh lay in the bed, motionless, unconscious. Machines were hooked up to him, beeping mercilessly. Tubes were attached to his nose and mouth. Mary cried silently as she slipped from Jake and made her way over to his bed. She picked up his hand and held it tightly, crying. “Oh, God, Josh... I’m so sorry... Please come back to us... Josh I love you so much, you have to come back to me...”

Sam returned from getting a drink and found Mary and Jake on either side of the bed, holding Josh’s hands. Immediately, he came up behind Mary and wrapped his arms around her, trying to comfort her. “Don’t worry, Mare. He’ll pull through this.”

“I was so mean to him... If he dies I don’t know what I’d do...”

“It’s mean to say this, but he deserved that, you and I both know he did.”

“But I was so mean to him,” she sobbed.

...

At 8:30 the three had to leave the ICU for closing so the patients could rest. “You’ll stay with her tonight?” Sam asked Josh as Mary climbed into the borrowed Jeep. “I would but I have to go into work early tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I’ll stay with her. You coming back tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I’ll be here right after work. You?”

“We’ll probably come in as soon as we can. Maybe I can get her to take something to sleep.”

“Just watch out for her. You know how she gets when she’s upset.”

The ride from the hospital was quiet. Mary sobbed quietly as she lit up another cigarette and pulled into the driveway to her home. “You’ll stay with me tonight, right?”

Jake took Mary’s hand in his. “You know I will.”

...

Around 3 AM, Mary and Jake were still awake, talking. The futon couch on one side of the living room was their landing spot as soon as they came into the house. “What did Sam mean in the hospital? That he deserved it?”

Mary bowed her head in sadness and shame. “He told Howard that I slept with him and that I was going back to him.”

“Did you?”

“Not since Howard and I have been married,” she whispered.

“You slept with him while you were with Howard?”

“We were on tour... We drank a lot... Did a lot of drugs... I don’t know, but I stopped everything and not long after that, Howard proposed to me.”

“Did Howard believe Josh?”

“At first he did. We had an awful fight about it and I ran out of here and confronted Josh. Then we had an awful fight and I smacked in across the face and cussed him out. And then I left... I haven’t spoken to him, let alone look at him, since then...”

“When was this?”

“Last Halloween.”

Jake sighed and opened his arms. “Come here.” Mary nodded and moved into his open arms, wrapping her own around him. He gently kissed the top of her head. “You know everything will be OK, Mare. Things happen for a reason. We just don’t know what it is most of the time.” She nodded and wiped her remaining tears on his shoulder. “The bad shit has to happen sometimes for the other times to seem decent.”

“But the bad shit always happens to me...”

Jake sighed again. “Just relax, sweetheart. Things will get better, I promise. You should try to get some sleep.”

“Will you stay with me?”

“I’ll stay, I promise.” He kissed the top of her head again and pulled her into his arms tighter. The two fell asleep not much later, tired from the days events.

...

By morning, the two were snuggled very tightly. Mary’s makeup was smeared down her face and Jake’s shoulder length red hair was matted down and sticking out everywhere. “How are ya feeling today?”

“Good,” Mary nodded. “A lot better, actually. Thanks for listening to me last night. And for staying the night. And for letting me cry all over you, and drool on you in my sleep...”

“What did I tell you at Chas’s funeral?" he asked, interrupting. "I told you I’d always be here for you no matter what.”

Chapter LXIV

“Where is she now?”

“Showering. She really gave me a scare. I gave her a shot of blackberry brandy and that seemed to calm her a little.”

“Have you been staying there with her?”

“Yeah, I know how Mary can get when things are like this. I love her and trust her but I don’t know what she’d do to herself.” He sighed. “I know what she’s capable of doing to herself. I wouldn’t trust her enough to leave her here alone.”

Howie sighed. “Thanks a lot for staying with her, Jake. I know I don’t know you very well, but I see how you two are together. She trusts you. Thanks.”

“It’s no problem Howard.”

“Who ya talkin to?” Mary asked as she walked down the stairs.

“Howard. Feeling better?”

“Much,” she smiled. “Can I talk to him?”

“Sure,” he smiled in return. “Hey Howard, Mary just got outta the shower. It’s been good talkin to ya. Here she is.”

“You too Jake.”

“Hey honey,” Mary smiled into the phone. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too sweetheart. How are you doing?”

“Peachy keen, jelly bean.”

“And Josh?”

Mary’s mood instantly changed from happiness to one of sorrow. “Is still in ICU.”

“Don’t worry, Mare, everything will turn out fine. Oh, AJ says hi and that we gotta go to rehearsals. I love you, Mare.”

“Love you too Howard.”

...

The next day, Jake resumed working around the neighborhood on electronics jobs. Mary stayed home in hopes of decorating the house and working on the Boys’ web pages. When Jake returned home, Mary was nearly beating the computer in frustration. He walked up behind her and rested his hands on her shoulders. “Rough day at the office?”

Mary jumped. “Goddammit Jake don’t do that,” she muttered. “And you have no idea. Damn computer. Blondie must have gotten on here when I wasn’t watching him.”

Jake laughed and kissed the top of her head. “What do you say we have some fun tonight?”

Mary turned to look at him. “And do what?”

“Resurrect the old Mary,” he smiled. “Just like the old times. We can rent a few movies and get drunk off our asses.”

Mary smiled. “Just like old times. Like with Chas.”

“Then it’s settled. We leave in five minutes?”

"Sounds good.”

...

This continued all weekend. Jake went to work during the days, leaving Mary alone in the house. To keep from thinking too much, she picked up her old guitar, dusted it off, and sat at the kitchen counter. “I haven’t played this in ages...” she murmured to herself. She felt the music inside of her, in her heart, working its way to her fingers, but nothing would come out when she struck the strings. Frustrated, she turned on the radio moments later and heard the song she had been thinking about, the song that was perfect for Josh--the song she needed to sing him.

...

Jake returned to the house that night to stay with Mary. Instead, he found a note.
“Jake-
Went to hospital to be with Josh. Bored out of my mind and I need to see him. I’ll be back sometime tonight.
Love, Mary”
Jake shrugged his shoulder and listened to the messages on the answering machine. “Hey sweetie, hey Jake, it’s Howard... I’m just calling to check up on you two and see how everyone else is doing. Guess no one’s around... Give me a call back later sweetie, love ya.”

...

The Boys just finished rehearsals for another show in another city and piled back into the bus. “Food!” Nick exclaimed and ran to the kitchen. Ten pizza boxes were stacked high and he couldn’t resist. AJ, Kevin, and Brian joined him but Howie stood back. He grabbed a bottle of water and retreated to the back of the bus. Here, an entertainment system was set up along with two couches. He closed the door, picked a couch and sprawled out, just to think. It wasn’t too long before there was a knock at the door. “D, you in there man?”

“Yeah, I’m in here, Nick. Come on in.” He sighed deeply. There was no privacy or room for a person to be alone when you’re crowded onto a bus with four other guys.

“What’s up?” Nick asked, his mouth full of pizza.

“That’s disgusting. And nothing. Nothing’s up.”

“You sure? You’ve been tryin to get away from everyone all day. Wanna talk about it?”

“Nick I’m OK, trust me on this one. I’ve just been thinking.” Nick’s mouth contorted into a confused pout. “About Mary,” Howie continued. Nick nodded, smiled, and continued chewing.

“How is she? We haven’t seen her in a while.”

“You know as well as I do,” he sighed. Once again, he was greeted with a look of confusion. “I don’t know, Nick. I don’t know how she is.”

“What about that Josh guy?”

“He’s still in the hospital, as far as I know.”

“And Jake? Is he gunna come back to work?”

“He’s staying with her. He knows her better than I do and doesn’t want to leave her alone.”

“He’s bothering her?”

“No, Nick, he doesn’t want her to be by herself.”

“Why not?”

“He said something the other day about knowing how she can be when she’s upset and depressed.”

...

At the hospital, Mary sat at Josh’s bedside. When she spoke to him, it was in a voice just above a whisper. “I heard a song on the radio today and I thought you might remember it. It was from when you did this the last time, I sang it to you when you were in the hospital, remember? Heh, how could you remember it, you have no idea what I’m talking about probably.” She sighed and picked up the acoustic guitar she brought along and started to play softly.

“I knew that this moment would come in time
That I'd have to let go and watch you fly
I know you're coming back so why am I dying inside
Are you searching for words that you can't find
Trying to hide your emotions but eyes don't lie
Guess there's no easy way to say goodbye

“I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that someday you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping for someday

“Don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say
I don't want to let you leave this way
I want you to know that I stand right by your side

“And I know this may be
The very last time that we see each other cry
But whatever happens know that I'll...

“I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday
You'll come back to me
I'll be praying for whatever it's worth
Believing that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping for someday...

“I know this may be
The very last time that we see each other cry
But whatever happens know that I'll...

“I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday
You'll come back to me
I'll be praying for whatever it's worth
Believing that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping for someday

“Waiting for someday
Believing in someday
Praying for someday, I'll be...
Longing for someday
Clinging to someday
Cherishing someday, I'll be...
Thinking of someday
Dreaming of someday
Wishing for someday, I'll be...
Living for someday
Counting on someday
Knowing that one day...

“I will see you...”*

She finished the song and looked at Josh expectantly. The last time he was in the hospital for this very same thing, he opened his eyes when she finished the same song. “Guess you don’t remember it, huh?” She sighed and put the guitar down.

“Excuse me, Dr. Goode, but visiting hours are over,” a nurse said as she poked her head into the room.

Mary sighed again. “Thanks. Hey, you remember me?”

“Of course I do, Doctor. You treated me in the ER a few years ago. You made me want to become a nurse. I wanted to help people the way you helped me.”

“That’s sweet,” she smiled and stood. “What’s your name, Hun?”

“I’m Marie,” she smiled in return. “Listen, my break is coming up in a few minutes, would you like to get a cup of coffee? You look pretty ragged.”

“Sure, that would be nice. Just give me a few minutes?”

“Sure, Doc. I’ll meet you in the cafeteria.” Marie turned and left Mary to be alone with Josh. She softly stepped towards his bedside and picked up his hand.

“Oh Josh, I hope you can pull through this again... I hope I can too...” She bent down and kissed his forehead. “I love you so much, honey. I’ll be back tomorrow.” With that, she picked up her guitar and left the room.

...

“I heard you singing in your friend’s room up there. You sounded great,” Marie smiled over the coffees. “What made you pick that song?”

“I sang it to him the last time he was in the hospital. He opened his eyes after I sang it the first time. It didn’t work tonight.”

“The last time?”

“He tried to kill himself... oh God... maybe three years ago? Or is it four now? I have no concept of time anymore, with Howard on tour and this whole Josh thing...”

“Howard? Who’s he?”

“My husband,” Mary smiled. “He and his band are on tour right now. I was the medic for them until Josh came into the hospital. Oh God I hope he pulls through this,” she sighed.

“Are you related to him or something?”

“We used to date and then things got really messy and I married Howard. Josh and me... We butted heads a lot the past few months.”

Marie nodded. “Hey Doc? Can I ask ya a question?”

“Sure, what is it?”

“Why’d you quit your job here? I mean, you were the best doctor they’ve had here in a long time. You’re the best doctor I’ve ever had.”

Mary bowed her head, looking for words. Finally she looked up. “I treated a little girl right around the time I met Howard,” she started. “She was so beautiful, I loved her so much. After she died, I couldn’t handle working in the hospital anymore.”

“Was she your first patient that died?”

“No, sadly. Howard’s sister died of lupus about a year before that. I helped to treat her. She was like a sister to me. And then Howard said they needed a medic on their tour...”

“So you quit to go on tour with him?”

“That’s not the main reason.”

“Then what is?”

Mary sighed. It wasn’t that she was sick of this girl’s line of questions, she was just frustrated with everything. She understood this girl, though, because she was the same way when she came to the hospital. “I was sick of seeing the people I love die.”

“Oh...” Both were silent for a few moments. “Do you have any pictures of Howard?”

“Yeah, I do,” Mary smiled and dug into her wallet. “This was at New Year’s this past year.”

“Wow, he’s good lookin... Hey wait... He looks familiar... Isn’t he a Backstreet Boy?”

“That he is,” Mary smirked. “Are you a fan?”

“Not really, but my little sister loves them to death. Especially Nick. She wants to marry him.”

Mary laughed. “If she had to spend as much time with him as I’ve had to, that opinion would change quick. Between the constant eating and the whining and the computer problems... It’s a wonder that boy hasn’t knocked himself out yet.” Mary laughed. Marie looked at her in confusion. “He’s a good kid, though.” She took a sip of her coffee and glanced at her watch. “Christ, I gotta get home, my friend is probably worried to death about me. It was nice to meet you.”

“Good seeing you too, Doc.”

*Blessid Union of Souls, “Standing at the Edge of the Earth.”

Chapter LXV

For days, Howie tried to get a hold of Mary or Jake. For days, there was no answer. There was no answer to the messages left on the machine at the house. Sam was no where to be found. Mary’s cell phone provided no answer. So Howie paced and bus, thinking. He paced backstage at the concerts, thinking. After a week and a half without talking to Mary, the Boys had a break in their touring. Collectively, they decided to return to Orlando. Collectively, they went to Howie and Mary’s house. Collectively, they found no one home. Being their first night home, the Boys decided to do their own thing, mostly visit their parents. After dinner at his parents’ house, Howie returned to the house he shared with his wife. The kitchen light was on and there was movement inside. With a sigh of relief, Howie shut off his car, took the keys, locked the door, and approached the house. To his surprise, the door was unlocked. The opened the door and stepped inside. “Mare? Honey, I’m home,” he called. He heard a soft, muffled sob coming from the kitchen. “Mare? Is that you?” He dropped his bag to the floor, slipped off his jacket and shoes, and wandered towards the kitchen. Here he found a sight he never wished to see. Mary, Jake, and Sam were sitting around the kitchen table. Mary was in tears. “Hey guys... What happened?” Mary saw Howie, stood, and ran from the room. Jake cussed under his breath and ran after her. “What did I say?”

“Things have been really rough on her lately,” Sam answered simply. He took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket along with his lighter, took one out, lit it, and replaced both. The ash tray in front of him was filled with cigarette butts, three different brands.

“But what happened?”

Sam took a long drag and paused to think of the right words to say. “Josh started looking bad a few days ago. The press picked up on that Mary wasn’t at your concerts and that she had been seen in and around the hospital, they killed her reputation.” He stood, walked to the counter, picked up a five inch stack of newspapers and placed them in front of Howie.

“So she was in the hospital visiting a sick friend, what’s so wrong with that?”

“A nurse talked to the papers. Told them Mary dated Josh and was feeling guilty over this whole ordeal. Now everyone thinks she was having an affair with him. Like I said, they killed her reputation.” Sam took another drag. “But that’s not the whole story. She hasn’t been feeling great the past few weeks, either...”

...

Around midnight, Howie found Mary out on the back porch smoking. “Hey honey,” he smiled.

“Hi.”

“When did you start smoking?”

“Why the FUCK can’t I do ANYTHING right by ANYONE these days?” she hissed, stomped out the cigarette, and went back inside. Howie stood, frozen, and watched Mary walk from him. He was completely bewildered. Jake noticed his situation.

“I know it’s sorta late, but I wouldn’t ask her about what has happened the past few days or why she’s smoking again... It’s kinda like pouring salt on an open wound.” The two jumped at the sound of a door slam upstairs. “Looks like you’ll be bunking on the futon with me tonight.”

Howie just shook his head. “Why can’t I even talk to my wife? Why won’t anyone tell me what has happened?”

“Sam felt it would be best if she told you. Something about closure.”

“Closure? For what? No, no, nevermind. Listen, if Mary wants to talk, tell her I’m staying over at the old house. I have to talk to the guys.” Howie pushed past Jake and stopped at the front door where he put on his shoes and grabbed his jacket, keys, and bag.

“See ya in the morning,” Jake called. Howie was already gone.

...

“She was what?” Brian asked in disbelief.

“She was smoking... apparently she ‘started again’ like Jake says. Then she cussed me out, ran upstairs, and locked herself in our bedroom.”

“But why... how... what happened while we were gone?” AJ asked.

“Sam showed me some newspapers. Mary was in the hospital a lot visiting Josh and one of the nurses talked to the papers, saying how they used to date. The press turned it around completely and is saying she’s having an affair with Josh.”

Kevin sighed. “Do you think she is?”

“No I don’t.”

“That’s all that matters, then. We’ll be home for two weeks. Give her time to cool off from whatever happened. You know Mary best. She’ll come to you when she wants to talk but not sooner.”

...

Howie returned to his house the next day, bag in hand. "Hey Howard," Jake greeted softly when he opened the door.

"Hey... Is Mary around?"

"Yeah, but she's finally asleep... I wouldn't bother her."

"Alright," Howie nodded and made his way into the house. Just as Jake said, Mary was asleep on the futon in the living room. "Didn't get much sleep last night?"

"We pounded on her door for nearly two hours after you left. Finally she came out and she was only crying and crying... Sam and I stayed up with her just in case."

"Where is he?"

"Went home about an hour ago. He needed sleep too, and some quiet."

"That's understandable. I guess I caused quite a commotion when I returned. I thought she'd be happy to see me."

"There's just a lot going through her head right now. When she gets through it, I'm sure she'll be happy."

"Well, I guess I'll head upstairs and get unpacked some.”

"How long will you be home?"

"We have two weeks.”

Jake nodded. "Listen, when Mare gets up, she might be talkin kinda weird... she usually does when she's this upset. I don't know all that she's told you about how her life used to be, but she might talk about that some. I'm sure that if she hasn't told you... it’ll come out."

"Uhm... OK..." Howie nodded. He didn't like the way 'it'll all come out' sounded. A look of confusion was plastered across his face. "I'll just be goin I guess..." He picked up his bag and headed for the stairs. "Let me know when she gets up?"

"Will do, Howard."

...

Upstairs, Howie found a pile of journals scattered on the bed. Still confused from Jake's ramblings, he picked one up.

06 May 1995
Dear Journal,
These past few days have been rough. Christine's really sick again. I don't know what to do. Josh has helped me take care of her just like he should and Chas has been a huge support. Sam is still gone and maybe my worries about him have something to do with why she's sick. I don't know what to do anymore... I can’t find Jake anywhere. If it weren't for the hospital, Christine wouldn't have any of the medications she does. Luckily my health plan covers her completely...”

"Who's Christine?" he mumbled to himself, confused. He then heard voices from downstairs and went to see what was happening. Sam had returned. Mary was awake and was apparently willing to speak to her husband. They walked into the kitchen with Jake close behind. Mary stood near the sink, Howie next to the table, and Sam leaned against the doorframe. Jake laid down on the futon in hopes of getting sleep. “What happened, Mare? That’s all I want to know.” After Jake and the journal, he was hoping Mary would tell him more information than he probably wanted to know.

“What didn’t happen?” she retorted, sarcasm dripping from her voice.

“I just want to know the basics. I don’t care about the smoking. I don’t care about the papers. All I want to know is what happened.”

With Mary’s current state of mind, his questions angered her further. “You want to know what happened? Let me tell you what happened. Apparently I’m having an affair with a dead guy and I’m also carrying his child. How’s that for the basics?”

“A dead guy? Wait, Josh is dead?”

“Josh is FUCKING dead! The hospital released him last week and... and....” she began to cry again. She dug through her pockets and fished out a cigarette and her lighter. She lit it and inhaled deeply. Tears poured from her eyes.

“Josh killed himself yesterday,” Sam offered.

Howie’s mind was now whirling. He turned to Sam, “Josh is dead...” and then back to Mary, “Carrying his baby?”

“Yeah, before you read it in the papers, I’m pregnant, Howard. Never a better time, huh?”

“Pregnant? We’re pregnant? We’re having a baby?”

“No, I’m pregnant. I’m FUCKING pregnant; yes, that means I’m having a baby.”

“A baby...” he whispered and smiled to himself. He looked up at Mary, snatched the cigarette from her hand, and tossed it in the sink. “If you’re pregnant, you’re not smoking anymore. No child of mine is going to be addicted to nicotine.”

“You’re right on one point,” Mary scoffed and reached for another cigarette. “It is no child of yours.” She lit it and took a drag.

“What?” Howie asked in disbelief.

Mary’s disposition softened but she was still crying. “I was nearly two months pregnant. I miscarried.”

“Miscarried? How?”

“Stress. That’s what my doc says.”

Howie sighed and mustered up some courage from deep inside himself. "I found some of your journals on the bed upstairs. I know you'll be mad but I had to know what was wrong. Mary, who's Christine?"

Sam spoke up. “You never told him?”

“How the hell am I supposed to explain that, Sam?”

“Explain what?” Now Howie was is a state miles past Confusion. He looked back and forth between Sam and Mary. Upon hearing the commotion, Jake came into the kitchen.

“What happened?”

“Mary never told Howard about Christine.”

“Oh dear God,” Jake sighed and put his hands to his forehead out of frustration.

“Will someone please tell me what’s going on?” Howie cried. Mary sighed and dug through the stack of newspapers that was still sitting on the table. She came upon one and handed it to her husband.

“Christine was your baby? Why didn’t you ever tell me about her?”

“I was going to tell you, but then you met the father and I didn’t know how you’d handle that.”

“Who’s the father?”

“Josh,” Jake sighed.

“The two of you had a baby?”

“Don’t say it like it was such a bad thing, Howard. Christine was my life,” Mary tried to explain.

“When were you going to tell me?”

“I was hoping I wouldn’t have to.”

“But I told you everything, Mare... You couldn’t tell me you had a baby by him?”

“Hey, it was her fault as much as it was his. Don’t point the finger,” Jake defended his late friend. The two continued to bicker. Once again, Sam left. Tears silently fell down Mary’s cheeks. She looked up at the wall calendar.

“Jake, do you even know what day it is?”

“What does that matter?”

“Christine died today.” Suddenly all the color drained from her face and she collapsed to the floor. Both men rushed to her side. Howie, being her husband, won out, picked her up, and carried her back into the living room. Jake brought a cold washcloth from the kitchen. He placed it on Mary’s forehead and motioned for Howie to follow him back into the kitchen. Both sat at the kitchen table.

“I told you she’d tell you somehow.”

“But why not before? A baby’s a big deal.”

“She was afraid you wouldn’t let her see Josh anymore. She was afraid you’d look down on her. Mary doesn’t have high self-esteem, Howard, I’m sure you’ve picked up on that by now.”

He shook his head. “She was always so outgoing... I never knew...” He sighed. “I don’t know anything about her, do I?”

“Her life started when she met you. Those were her words.”

“But what was so wrong with her life? I mean, yeah, Chas is gone, her parents disowned her...”

“Her parents didn’t disown her, Howard,” Jake interrupted. “They were murdered right in front of her.”

“Murdered?”

“She blocked it out of her mind. No one was ever caught because she can’t remember who did it. Someone broke into Mary’s room one night, cut her up pretty bad, knocked her out, and when her parents came in to see what had happened he killed them. Mary was just coming back around. She saw him kill her parents. That’s why she became a doctor. She wanted to help people the way she couldn’t help her parents.” He sighed deeply. “They were stabbed repeatedly. She watched them bleed to death. I was the first one who got there... Chas and Sam were at work and they called me to have me go check on her. There was no answer at the house when they called and they were getting worried. So I went to check things out. By the time I got there they were dead and Mary had passed out again. She never really wanted to be a doctor, she only wanted to help people. Her parents wanted her to be a doctor and I guess their deaths pushed her into it.”

Howie sighed. “But what was all of that about Chas and Sam and Josh being such bad kids that her parents disowned?”

“Oh, they were bad, but not disowned. They were in the bad crowd for a long time. After their parents died, things just got worse. Josh disappeared. Not long after, Christine was born, Chas died, Sam ran away, and Thom forced Mary into marrying him. I was working construction in Tallahassee; I couldn’t be here but I wanted to be. Christine wasn’t my baby but I promised Mary I’d take care of her. My name was on her birth certificate. I loved both of them with all my heart.” He sighed deeply. “My baby died today.”

“From what?”

“She was really sick with something... the doctor’s don’t know what. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her.” He stood and reached for his wallet in his back pocket. He sat back down, pulled out an old, worn picture and slid it across the table. “That’s my baby. She died when she was eight months old.”

Howie picked up the photograph and scanned it carefully, burning the image into his mind. “She was beautiful,” he whispered.

“She had Mary’s eyes and smile... Josh’s nose and hair,” he smiled. The baby in the picture had golden blond hair and sparkling blue eyes. “Mary sent me this two weeks before Chris died. She wrote a long letter about how sick she was and Mare felt so helpless... I don’t think she knows I even received this picture.”

“How long were they together?”

“Two years, off and on. The other asshole was there too. He didn’t make the situation any better. They were broken up but he wouldn’t leave her alone.”

“Thom, right?”

“Yeah... They were broken up when they hooked up but Thom wouldn’t take that as an answer. I left for Tallahassee and Thom forced Mary into the marriage. He insisted I was no good and that they’d put his name on the birth certificate. That never worked out, thankfully. She’s had a really rough time in her life.”

“What happened after Christine died?”

Jake sighed. “That’s when things just began to get worse...”

...

Mary woke an hour later and stumbled into the kitchen. Howie and Jake were still sitting at the table talking. “Mary, you alright?” Jake asked.

“Feeling better.”

“I’ll leave you two alone for a little bit.” He stood and left the room. Mary took his seat across the table from Howie. She opened her mouth to speak when Howie cut her off.

“You don’t need to say a word... Jake told me everything.”

“Oh...”

“And I’m so proud of you, Mary.”

“Proud?”

“You’re so strong. I didn’t have any idea what you’ve been through. I have a whole new respect for you.”

“You’re not ashamed of me?”

“Never. I will never be ashamed of you. I love you, Mary.”

“I love you too,” she whispered. “I’m sorry I’ve been so awful. You just came home. I should be happy.”

“I understand. You’ve been through a lot here without me this past month.” Mary nodded. “When did he die?”

“Yesterday.”

“Is he already buried?”

“No, tomorrow I have to scout for a burial plot. Sometime next week. No wake. He didn’t want one. And no funeral. Sam, Jake, and I are his only family.” She decided to change the subject. “How long will you be home?”

“Two weeks. We needed some time off. Looks like I couldn’t have picked a better time. Want to get out of here for a little while?”

“And go where?”

“The rest of the guys are home, we could go over there.”

“Is that where you spent last night?”

“I’ll always have a bed there,” he smiled and stood. She stood also and ran into his arms.

“I’ve missed you so much, Howard.”

“I’ve missed you too, honey. I’ve missed you too.”

* Lyrics to “Yesterday” by The Beatles